Traumatized from watching my wife labour

[zekavica]

@indigostarfire I’m sorry you and your wife had such a traumatic time. Men can get also get postnatal depression so I recommend you talk to a professional to help you process this. Lots of good suggestions on her, wishing you all the best with bub

 

[ronnieg]

@indigostarfire Absolutely, it's entirely valid to feel shaken by witnessing such an intense, painful event involving a loved one. The impact isn't just physical; it resonates on a deeply emotional level, too. Remember, it’s not just about enduring the moment but recognizing how it echoes within you afterward. Acknowledging this can be the first step towards healing, for both you and your family.

 

[djjoel]

@indigostarfire I’ve been through labor 3 times (with epidural, with forceps/not working epidural, and with no epidural or meds) and i can definitely say it’s incredibly painful and you cannot control how your body responds. Fortunately mine were fast and furious of maybe 4 hours but my husband expressed the helpless feeling of not being able to make the pain better. But him (you for your wife) just being there helps. Don’t be annoyed with her for pushing back against an epidural because you are honestly kinda out of your senses at that point with pain. I would definitely talk to your wife and maybe a therapist if it is still traumatic for you. I’m a week out from my third and still have daily conversations with my husband about the experience and pain. It helps to talk but i also think a woman’s mind forgets easier as a protective mechanism. And as her partner you don’t have that luxury so talk to someone!

 

[shieldmaiden]

@indigostarfire If I stuck to my birth plan, I would’ve had a painless birth like my first pregnancy. But noooooo the midwife couldn’t find my vein so the epidural got ruled out and I had to do it unmedicated. I was soooo not prepared for it. Thank GOD the entire process in the hospital only lasted 2 hours. I was so weak.

Oddly, I totally forgot how painful it was. My baby is 2 months old and I’m already ready to get the next pregnancy over with.

I can say though, watching my husband through the haze of pain, was really worrying. He’s not usually easily rattled and he remained calm for my sake but I could really tell that he was worried. He was gripping my hands harder than I was gripping his! At one point, he got ahold of my head and had his hands clamped down on both my ears and I had to yell at him to let go so I can hear the midwife talk me through the transition.

Jesus

To quote my husband, “I felt like the supporting character in a horror movie.”

To this day, he still talks about the amount of blood that came from me. I, personally, wasn’t traumatized by the birth understanding that this is just a natural part of life but I didn’t SEE me go through it. I wasn’t the helpless one watching what looks like buckets of blood leave your partner’s body.

If I were you, I would at least try to talk it out with your wife, a trust friend or a therapist. All your fears, worries, ignorance, etc. and fill in some holes or fix some misconceptions.

I’m glad that husbands do see how hard pregnancy/ the birth is. It rights a balance of sorts—if you didn’t think we needed your help healing postpartum, now you do.

 

[dark_night]

@indigostarfire You definitely need therapy. Sounds like PTSD, and it never gets better on its own.

 

[sarahend]

@indigostarfire 9cm for 8 hours? How is that even possible the doctors sound awful. You sound like an amazing support system for you’re wife and shes lucky to have you! I went through a traumatizing birth so i totally understand the feelings involved.

You should seek therapy it may help you!

 

[indigostarfire]

@sarahend There was no dr, it was a midwive and a student midwive. The main one kept saying your almost ready to push, your in the transition, your almost there. They said the same agrovating things for 8hours, Ithe cervical lop issue and the babies position issue wasn't noticed untill the end but I don't understand how they didn't see that that wasn't normal and to keep repeating the same false hope that she was at the worst part and is close to pushing. To me it was obvious something was wrong, but I was the bad guy for suggesting that even though I was right in the end.

 

[sarahend]

@indigostarfire Not only were you correct but omg!!!!!! You trying to advocate for you’re wife and child that must have been horrific wtf is wrong with them im so sorry you all had to go thru that at a time thats supposed to be special ! Your an amazing father and husband ! They need to be fired asap or re trained because that is not ok. Bad guy ? Never ! Praying for you all and i hope you can overcome this ordeal, best of luck to you all

 

[sandalman10]

@indigostarfire Oh no I’m so sorry that she endured this and that you had to helplessly watch. I wish I could convince everyone that there are no extra points or bonuses for enduring unnecessary pain. Pain management is so incredibly necessary for a healthy birth process. Some births are clearly far more painful than others, so not everyone needs pain management, but there’s no extra benefit to refusing it when it’s so bad that you would prefer death.

I’m glad it all ended well. I hope that you and your wife are able to access counseling for the trauma, so that if you choose to have another, there won’t be a fear associated with the next delivery.

 

[hades]

@indigostarfire I wish she had just taken the epidural when she got to the hospital. I was set to give birth at a birth center but got emergency induced due to low amniotic fluid. After 8cm it becomes excruciating and if you aren’t progressing fast through that pain then you have to work with your body. I’m sorry you had to see that. Imo she should’ve just given in sooner because all the extra pain/stress was unnecessary and irresponsible. I know the medical route is scary because of the interventions but this granola home birth stuff isn’t for everyone and you can really put your life or your baby’s life in danger by being so against interventions. You have to zig a little, zag a little.

 

[patersonchristian]

@indigostarfire Definitely talk to a therapist. You need to process this, and you don’t have the tools to do it alone.

She’s also likely in need of individual counselling. Traumatic births are hard. My first had a lot of similarities (but wasn’t the same), and it took a long time to work through my complicated feelings about it.

At some point, you’ll also likely want to do couples counselling for why you kept pushing an epidural at her when she’d firmly made it clear it was a last resort for her. I’m unsurprised you were kicked out of the room, and it’s likely she’s got frustration or resentment towards you for that (if she can remember in the haze of her pain and labor). Likewise, your inability to understand why she’d choose the path she did is creating complicated feelings that also need to be sorted, and it’s best to do that with a professional’s support so you don’t unintentionally hurt each other.

Congratulations on your healthy baby!

 

[tfran]

@patersonchristian

you’ll also likely want to do couples counselling for why you kept pushing an epidural at her when she’d firmly made it clear it was a last resort for her

Well considering she refused one because she thought it would paralyze the baby, which is objectively false, yeah they’ll probably need to sort some things out.

 

[tonipraise]

@tfran He said he might be wrong but that was his understanding. Not that’s exactly what she said. This post sounds a lot like a man who didn’t take the time to understand his partners plans and was uninvolved in the entire process.

 

[indigostarfire]

@tonipraise Not at all, we went to birthing classes together and everything I knew her plans and when somone is begging for somone to kill them because they would rather die than go on in labor, I would say the last resort epidural that was discussed would be a viable option.

She was really into watching natural birth med free videos on ticktock that I didn't see that contained disinformation.

 

[tonipraise]

@indigostarfire I had 2 medication and intervention free births and have done a LOT of research on birthing. Did she discuss with you what your roll would be during birth? Because that is a vital part of coping with having that kind of birth. People are accusing your wife all over this thread of not understanding the risk/benefit of an epidural. It was her choice whether or not to get one. Personally, there would not be a circumstance where I would get an epidural. I explained it higher in this thread. I’d opt for a c section before I got one.

Many women scream stuff like that in transition. There’s definitely ways to cope that don’t include that.

How does SHE feel about her birth? Is she traumatized?

 

[paulpablo]

@indigostarfire wow i was stuck at 9cm for 4 hours for the same reason, i can’t even imagine double that time!!! im so sorry to you both. my husband was traumatized too but he’s over it now, beck to normal lol