Traumatized from watching my wife labour

@tfran Don’t forget lack of research. It takes a 5 min Google to fact check something and/or follow up with your doctor. If your doctor said something that doesn’t agree with what you read, ask another doctor.
 
@indigostarfire And this is why I forced my husband to take a birthing class with me. We both need to know what to expect. because of the class I’m far more confident that he will stay calm which will help me relax as much as possible.
 
@antiheteronormativity We went to birthing class for 2 months once a week. It didn't prepare either of us one bit. Weirdly the birthing instructor lady didn't mention the risks of the epideral. She just explained how it works and what was in it.
 
@indigostarfire i just gave birth 12 days ago.

first, i want to echo what others have said about therapy. contrary to what some may believe, the non-birthing parent of a newborn baby can also develop postpartum depression and it's super important to monitor for that and address any issues that arise.

next, touching on birth plans. i had a birth plan, like many women. but i know that in medical circumstances, you can never anticipate how it will play out and you need to be flexible. i had been in labor for 25 hours and progressed to 7cm (took 6 hours on Pitocin to get there from 5cm after they broke my water the second time) - i know that's not nearly as long of a timeline as your wife went through - and i was SO adamant going into it that the only thing i wouldn't do was the epidural, but i was crying through every contraction. i was wrong. and that was okay.

after they placed my epidural (max. 30 minutes), it took another hour and a half to progress to 9.5cm. another half hour and we were at 10cm, i pushed for an hour and our little lady was here. if i had not gotten the epidural, i probably would not have gotten to that point in another 12 hours.

i respect your wife very much for her insistence on the epidural issue. when i was making my decision - which i felt VERY guilty for originally - my doctors were sure to explain that it's not about you being strong, it's about bringing your baby home. don't force yourself to suffer for your pride. I'm not sure exactly what your wife's internal reasoning was, but i think she had every opportunity presented to ease her suffering and help labor progress quicker by releasing the tension in her body (much like i did) and chose not to. as someone who was also very opposed to the epidural initially, i don't think that was the right decision on her part, but that's just my opinion. i was in labor for a total of 28 hours (which again, i realize is far less time than your wife, but i think that should emphasize my point even more - that forcing yourself through such intense pain for a reason nobody else understands for SO LONG is incredibly flawed - but again, just my opinion), and i couldn't imagine how it would have gone if i had continued to refuse the epidural. i think your wife was wrong to extend a traumatic event like that for herself AND you for an incomprehensible reason.
 
@indigostarfire I’ll just add epidurals aren’t the be all and end all.

Others have pointed out the risks and that they can lead to a cascade of interventions but also, they can fail. I had 2 and neither worked.
 
@indigostarfire OP that sounds awful. I had a 45 hr labor and delivery, without an epidural, and my husband also has expressed to me that it was awful to watch me push for 4.5 hours. I was not screaming and I was fully dilated, but I did have moments that I wanted to give up and it was hard for him to see me go through the experience. If it's possible for you to get therapy you may want to consider that. Men are impacted by pregnancy and labor/delivery too, not just women.
 
@indigostarfire My god. This is like a cautionary tale against all the absolute bizarre "natural" birth propaganda that gets propagated all over social media. The most natural way to give birth would have 10% of women dying. Just do what's safe for christ sake.
 
@indigostarfire I’m really surprised people want at home births, more power to you, cause I could not imagine, but as a FTD watching my wife go through labor was hard, there was nothing for me to really do except fetch ice water. Hope things get better for you and your family
 
@overcomer2 Lots can go wrong, what if mom needs emergency c section? Baby gets stuck ? Heavy amounts of blood loss ? I’m not bashing anyone who does at home births, it’s just sounds scary
 
@codylnrd homebirth mom here! i’m sure it varies by location, but in my state midwives are legally required to carry basically a mini hospital room with them. Resuscitation equipment for mom and baby, meds for hemorrhage (pitocin, TXA, one other one i can’t remember!), IV fluids, catheters, etc. and there are strict criteria for when to transfer to hospital (ex- so many hours after water breaking without labor starting, fetal heart rate dropping, certain amount of blood loss) before it becomes a life or death situation.

There are extremely strict rules for who can eval qualify for a homebirth. (multiple c sections, chronic medical conditions , baby before 37 weeks, placenta previa, etc), so the women who start laboring at home are low risk to begin with .

homebirth providers are also trained in maneuvers to help get baby out ASAP if needed. This can be anything from having mom sit or lie in a certain position, to doing a podalic version and breech extraction. (NOT comfortable for mom 😳, but is lifesaving)
 
@codylnrd You just may not understand home births which is fine, a lot of people don’t especially on Reddit. It sounds scary until you know what goes on with them and how. Any emergency is an emergency, at the hospital or home. You still have medical professionals when you give birth at home, if I had a home birth I would’ve have the same exact people and items as I did at the birth center, the only difference is where I would be. They also have plans set in place for any emergency, as at any time you would.
 
@angelos17 A good midwife will transfer way before an emergency presents itself. Most emergency c-sections are a result of the cascade of interventions and women who birth at home have less interventions making the chance of needing a c-section much less. However, if a midwife suspects anything might go wrong they should transfer to hospital immediately.
 
@angelos17 There’s a study from 2012 that shows usually at home births shoulder dystopia pose less risk and has better outcomes than at a hospital. A lot of the time midwives or attending doctors at a home birth can react much quicker than at the hospital when you consider how much easier it is to apply suprapubic pressure than at a hospital with the interventions already in place. and the baby is highly likely to be out within the ‘6 minute worry mark’. Even more so if the mother has a epidural at the hospital.
 
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