Traumatized from watching my wife labour

[luierencko]

@mumof2boys I was just thinking that haha. Also planning for another baby and fully plan to download Tetris to play in the hospital after baby is born because it really did take me a while to come to terms with my birth and honestly it wasn’t really all that bad so not really sure why I was struggling lol. Wish I knew about this Tetris trick beforehand

 

[iamthankful]

@indigostarfire My husband definitely had that helpless feeling. Especially when they failed to place the epidural and had to redo it multiple times and I was in so much pain. I’m sorry you both went through that. She sounds incredibly tough, making it that long with no help. I got fentanyl too and it just made me really high (but not even in the fun way) before getting an epidural.

 

[electrochemical]

@indigostarfire Guy here with a 3 month old.

I feel you. I felt the same way as you.

Our birth story isn’t as long but we were in the hospital for about 45 hours before baby came out. The laughing gas also didn’t help once she dilated enough and baby pushed on the cervix.

The epidural guy missed and we had to get his boss to come in and do it. I remember the screaming and the gaslighting I had to do to convince her that the epidural worked, which she said she felt about 20% of her right leg.

Then the nurse jokingly said that I did this to my wife. That hurt very, very deep. She’s not wrong but I did not need to hear that at this time. I cried of guilt and her parents heard the screaming as they were visiting before everything started. As I was saying goodbye I cried because I felt like I was the reason her daughter was in pain.

Then baby came. Wife was so happy, I cut the umbilical cord and saw the baby come out. She was so relieved and so happy to finally be a mom.

I talked to her about the guilt I was feeling and the screams that hurt me and I cried again in front of her as I was talking. She hugged me and consoled me.

Give yourself time and talk to your partner. It also helped that I talked to her dad and mom about the guilt that I felt for putting her through that. Raising your baby is going to take a village. You’re going to need help.

You’re also going to get over this and heal in your own way. Baby started “talking” to us 10 days ago and trust me you’re going to love your partner so much more. You’re going to giggle at every fart that your baby has, you’re going to giggle when your baby smiles.

Most importantly you’re both going to forget that experience and you’ll eventually even laugh about the idea of doing it again.

Things will get better. I would give you a hug if I could but it’s 1:40 and baby just fell asleep. Get through the first three months of hell and then you’ll feel much better. Then sleep regression will hit you and then you’ll love your partner even more

 

[turn1tojesus]

@indigostarfire I had a very similar labour to your wife and my heart goes out to you both. Including saying about wanting to die and my boyfriend just weeping. Of course I didn’t mean it! And five months on it’s really just a memory (after a lot of processing). I wish you both healing.

 

[fireheartis1]

@indigostarfire I really really don't understand the strict birth plans and pushing things to this point. I'm sorry both of you had to go through this. I'm glad your baby is healthy.

 

[drounak]

@fireheartis1 Me neither. Certain corners of the internet really glorify and romanticize "natural" birth while shaming women who take advantage of (or just straight up need) the good things modern medicine has to offer us. Sounds like they got another victim here.

 

[indigostarfire]

@fireheartis1 Exactly! I was trying to reason and point this out to the midwives and she kicked me out

 

[lcnolen2022]

@fireheartis1 Breech babies absolutely can be delivered vaginally with support from a skilled provider, and c sections are not without risks to mom and baby.

 

[christian99]

@lcnolen2022 You’re getting downvoted because you know literally nothing about this specific woman’s case with her breech baby. It could have been life threatening. You don’t know the circumstances surrounding it. So coming in here like “acktually” is useless and annoying. And the point was about the fact that she’d rather die than have a c-section, not whether or not a c section was absolutely 100% necessary. Obviously surgery comes with risks. But they’re just that: risks. Death is literally death, so weighing the risks is a no brainer. I would rather have a c section than die. I would rather my child have a mother than one who died because of her ego wanting a natural birth.

 

[godsgatekeeper]

@christian99 People love to talk about vaginal breech births and how “the establishment” is against them so “just find someone else to do it” but in the US at least there are a lot of challenges in accessing prenatal care and many providers won’t take new patients so late in pregnancy, or simply don’t want to take on the increased risk of vaginal breech deliveries.

Yes they are possible

No they are not as common and the techniques are not universally taught

No it’s not a conspiracy that doctors elect the lower risk option when the safety and wellbeing of mom and baby are in question

 

[lcnolen2022]

@christian99 The original comment made it sound like a c section was a given for any breech baby, and that her friend was crazy for not automatically accepting a c section JUST because baby was breech. Doctors AND moms nowadays are so quick to just get a c section without even bothering to get a second opinion or see if other options are available to them My intention in my comment was just to clarify that breech babies CAN be born vaginally!

 

[christian99]

@lcnolen2022 Didn’t sound like any of that to me, that’s just you assuming things from one brief sentence.

 

[lcnolen2022]

@shirlly1 Thanks. From what I’ve read, it seems like most OBGYNs here in the US are not proficient in vaginal breech deliveries, so they will immediately recommend a scheduled c section or ECV, rather than referring to a colleague who is proficient or pursuing additional training. (I think it is important for all providers to be trained in breech deliveries/maneuvers, since it can be helpful in emergency situations and can help with vaginal twin deliveries!)

there also seems to be a trend to classify babies that are complete breech with a knee extended (but hips flexed) as “footling breech”; true footling breech position is baby with hips AND knees extended like they are standing up, which is extremely rare for a term baby (not enough room for them to stand up with legs extended in the womb), and these babies that are actually complete breech should have a chance for vaginal delivery.

 

[karisa4christ]

@lcnolen2022 I mean, if my choices were someone not proficient with the type of birth I'm expected to have or a c-section, I know which one I'd choose...

 

[fireheartis1]

@lcnolen2022 The provider in question recommended c-section, we don't actually have all the data. This occurred in France and doctors are very pro vaginal birth here. I was given the chance to attempt one despite my very high risk status. If they said c-section right off the bat, the risks must have been high.

 

[skeeterificable]

@fireheartis1 I would bet it was a traverse breech, meaning baby was horizontal. Those can't be delivered vaginally unless baby is turned during an ECV. ECVs can be stressful for the baby so if there were other complications or risk factors the doctor might not have felt comfortable with trying an ECV.

 

[toddacus]

@fireheartis1 Perhaps wife consumes a lot of crunchy, social media content about the dangers of epidurals. Unfortunately it’s quite a cult like mentality once you sucked into that group. Wife’s experience here is unfortunately a natural consequence of her rigid decision making. It’s unfortunate that was so traumatic, but adults are allowed to make bad decisions too.

 

[pastormelissa]

@toddacus Events like this was why my OB was like “it’s okay to design a birth plan, but you have to also be okay to rewrite it/ throw it out completely when it comes to your safety and the safety of your baby”. I was 100% in agreement with her.
My mother rigidly stuck to her birth plan until it came down to the wire and it almost killed her and my brother.

 

[fireheartis1]

@toddacus Very likely

 

[nananananaspiderboy]

@fireheartis1 Me either. The woman in the room next to me was experiencing what OP’s wife was I believe based on the feral screams. I was starting labouring naturally and then I heard her and immediately asked them to get me an epidural.