@indigostarfire Guy here with a 3 month old.
I feel you. I felt the same way as you.
Our birth story isn’t as long but we were in the hospital for about 45 hours before baby came out. The laughing gas also didn’t help once she dilated enough and baby pushed on the cervix.
The epidural guy missed and we had to get his boss to come in and do it. I remember the screaming and the gaslighting I had to do to convince her that the epidural worked, which she said she felt about 20% of her right leg.
Then the nurse jokingly said that I did this to my wife. That hurt very, very deep. She’s not wrong but I did not need to hear that at this time. I cried of guilt and her parents heard the screaming as they were visiting before everything started. As I was saying goodbye I cried because I felt like I was the reason her daughter was in pain.
Then baby came. Wife was so happy, I cut the umbilical cord and saw the baby come out. She was so relieved and so happy to finally be a mom.
I talked to her about the guilt I was feeling and the screams that hurt me and I cried again in front of her as I was talking. She hugged me and consoled me.
Give yourself time and talk to your partner. It also helped that I talked to her dad and mom about the guilt that I felt for putting her through that. Raising your baby is going to take a village. You’re going to need help.
You’re also going to get over this and heal in your own way. Baby started “talking” to us 10 days ago and trust me you’re going to love your partner so much more. You’re going to giggle at every fart that your baby has, you’re going to giggle when your baby smiles.
Most importantly you’re both going to forget that experience and you’ll eventually even laugh about the idea of doing it again.
Things will get better. I would give you a hug if I could but it’s 1:40 and baby just fell asleep. Get through the first three months of hell and then you’ll feel much better. Then sleep regression will hit you and then you’ll love your partner even more