Toddler tantrums are ruining my life

[benzohar]

Edit: I just want to thank everyone for their kind, thoughtful, supportive responses. It all has helped me come back around. I'm so happy to have this safe space to have gotten this out and gotten the support I needed in a tough time. Today was a really hard day but this sub has really helped me through it. So thank-you everyone I greatly appreciate it all!! Also as suggested in r/toddlers, before I deleted my post because the people there are not so kind to struggling parents, I've started reading "raising your spirited child" and hot damn does it resonate, so if anyone comes here with the same issues I highly suggest it!

Using a throw away because I just can't take this anymore. Also posted in r/toddlers but have always like this community and the responses.

My 20 month old is completely ruining my life lately. He's having full blown 15-30 minute long screaming fits almost daily where NOTHING works to get his attention and try to calm him down. As soon as you try to speak he just hits or screams louder in your face. Redirecting used to work but now he just smacks whatever you have away and continues screaming. We've also tried taking him outside and that has stopped working too.

It's at the point I'm starting to have panick attacks, and needing medication for it, everytime he gets the slightest bit upset because I know he's just going to keep going and won't stop and whatever activity we were doing is now ruined with his meltdown.

I've tried making sure he's had food, we have snacks and meals all day to ensure it's not hunger.

It's could definitely be sleep because he is an absolutely terrible sleeper, like up 4-8 times a night still. We are waiting to see a specialist but that's a 3-6 months wait, probably for nothing. He naps great but night sleep has never been good. He's also not a child that could be sleep trained because he will just scream so we co sleep because I'm not getting out of my bed 8 times a night and this way he usually just wakes up and fusses back to sleep instead of waking up screaming for me. But I still get woken up constantly all night.

But I'm seriously at my wits end with the tantrums. I just can't take it anymore. It's put so much strain on my mental health, which already sucked from lack of sleep.. and I'm pretty sure it's ruining our relationship. We haven't had any kind of alone time since he was born because we can't leave him with anyone else and currently can't even leave the room without him losing it.

I don't have any friends to ask either because our friends that have kids and have gone through this think that spanking is the answer and that doesn't align with our parenting at all.

Not really sure what this post was for, kind of just had to get it out but if anyone has any advice (besides the book talk so kids can listen or w.e, I tried it and the writing was horrible I couldn't get past the first few pages) that would be great. Yea I know this stage is developmentally normal, knowing that does not make it any easier, just makes me wish that I'd never fallen for the trap of having a kid. How people do this more than once honestly baffles me.

 

[wilbo74]

@benzohar I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. It's really tough when they're having big feelings and their language isn't quite there yet for you to be able to guide them through.

I'm sure you're doing an amazing job, the tiredness will absolutely be making it harder for the both of you.

I'm a very anxious person and absolutely feel your pain on the effect this is having on your mental health. Can I suggest that you prioritise that? The fact is that toddler tantrums are very normal and an important development stage, but if you don't find coping mechanisms for yourself then this could be a really long and painful time.

I have found that taking a step back and allowing my son to feel what he feels has meant that I can compose myself and essentially model calmness. I remind myself that he hasn't learnt the tools yet to de-escalate, and I need to make sure I keep my own tools clean and sharp so that I can explain how to use them to him when he is ready.

It's easier said than done but you can and will get through this, it doesn't have to destroy your mental health in the process. One way or another you get to the end of each hard day - how painful it must be is within our control.

 

[benzohar]

@wilbo74 I do try. He does seem to want to end up in the most dangerous situations while he tantrums, like running into the street when we're outside, so it's hard to try and take a step back. At home I find I can manage it so much better but he doesn't tantrum as much at home.. and if he does he doesn't want to be anywhere near me.

Then the fact we are in public with everyone watching honestly makes it so much worse for me. I know it shouldn't but I've never liked being the centre of attention so that makes the anxiety worse, which makes my reaction worse which makes his tantrum worse, it's a horrible cycle that I just can't break.

I am really trying to work on my mental health though. It's just so hard to get doctors to listen about the severity. I finally have a psych appointment, in April but hopefully that will help too. I just feel so defeated right now.

 

[tbenedetto]

@benzohar If this doesn't happen as much at home, could it be that he finds the activities you do outside too stimulating? Many things happening all at once (like at the mall or a busy street) can sometimes be too much for their developing brain. I can't even take mine to the mall anymore. As much as he loves it and finds everything there fascinating, I already know he's going to lose it before I get what I came there for.

 

[benzohar]

@tbenedetto Yea I'm starting to lean towards this being part of the issue. He definitely loves to go but I think it is becoming too much.

Thankfully summer is coming and we will be able to get outside a lot more

 

[rhemajoy]

@benzohar Oh god in public tantrums/screaming is the worst, it’s so anxiety provoking. It’s not really possible to just let them get it all out or spend time talking them down because you’re in front of loads of people who are being disturbed by it or just looking at you making your own panic rise.

I am no expert parent at all and my daughters only 17 months and is my first so I don’t feel I can give advice from a place of knowledge but I’ll just tell you some things that have worked for me when she gets screamy when out and about. One is working out what she’s upset about and saying the word over and over, like if she wants to get down from the chair I say ‘down? Down? You want to get down?’ To try to encourage her to say what she wants. Sometimes works sometimes not. Suddenly bursting into song sometimes helps, with a song she knows and likes. Sometimes changing the whole vibe by just being silly and lighthearted and talking in a fun silly singsong voice snaps her out of it. Sometimes making an exaggerated sad face helps, trying to mirror what she’s feeling, it seems to calm her sometimes. Also sometimes just scoop her up and say in lighthearted voice ‘okay I think it’s time to go as you’re not happy here and this is not nice for any of us.’

I don’t know if these things are appropriate or will always work or if they’d work on your son or if you do these already, just telling you the things I’ve done that seem to work sometimes in case that’s helpful! I find it very difficult in public trying to manage acknowledging her feelings are very serious to her along with trying to stop the behaviour for the sake of me and the general public.

 

[rakitha]

@rhemajoy Agree that trying to make the situation silly/funny can knock a lot of tantrums off their tracks. But that is hard to do in public lol! And hard to do when the tantrums themselves are a trigger for the parent… but I love your advice!

 

[benzohar]

@rhemajoy Oof yea that's how we've been managing them, up to now. It seems some kind of flip has switched and we are in some extreme rage land lol. Toddlers are fucking tough! And being in public makes it so much harder for me to control myself which I know doesn't help either.

 

[chrissygerzen]

@benzohar If it makes you feel any better, I’ll tell you about a time my daughter had a meltdown while we were out and I couldn’t contain it whatsoever. She was thrashing around and losing it because she didn’t want to leave the park. So I found a spot with no one else close by and put her on the ground. She rolled around in mud for about 15 minutes while scream crying, covered in mud, mud in her mouth, etc etc lol. I just stood close by and watched it all unfold because there wasn’t anything else I could do. Eventually she stopped crying and wanted a hug and then we got on the bus to go home covered in mud. She fell asleep with a snack in her mouth lol. Wild times. Just know you’re not alone!

 

[esdras]

@benzohar Co-regulation is so important. Children can’t learn to regulate themselves without co-regulation. I understand why distractions have been your go-to, cause a lot of the time that works! However, when it gets to the point where it’s not working anymore you have to set boundaries and set an example. When he’s hitting and kicking you, you can say, “I love you, I am going to give you space. I know you are sad/mad/frustrated, but you are hurting (whatever you go by) and I need to be safe. I will sit on the couch and wait for when you are ready for a hug.” (Or whatever is close by and in the same room). While he is crying you can use language like, “I know you are sad because your face looks like this” and make a sad face. “When I am sad I like to take deep breaths”. (Practice deep breathing while he is upset). This isn’t going to work every time, and it probably won’t work right away, but doing it is setting an example of what he can do to help himself and builds stepping stones for emotional regulation.

I am a teacher at a conscious discipline school which is attachment based, we have had training and these are things that were taught to me.

“Our attachment history will unconsciously impact our current relationships unless we consciously choose to upgrade our skill set. Conscious Discipline seeks to make our unconscious beliefs and behaviors conscious. As we become more mindful of our automatic tendencies, we have the awareness necessary for change.”

 

[daybeliever]

@esdras I’m not at this stage of parenthood yet but I love this insight about distractions vs coregulation. Sometimes we all just need a shift in focus to move onto the next thing, but other times we need to be met exactly where we are to move through.

 

[benzohar]

@esdras I love this and I do practice this at home, but how do I go about doing that in public when it's not safe or possible to leave him be? What kind of strategies would you suggest for that?

 

[esdras]

@benzohar Well, I guess it depends on what the meltdown is about.

If he is over stimulated you can sit on the floor with him and talk him through it in the same way that you would at home. Don’t worry about other people. He’s your first priority and anyone who’s annoyed by it can be the one to leave, cause the public is for everyone, toddlers included.

If it's just one of those days where he’s cranky or tired, you’re perfectly fine to just go home and let him have some space at home to work through it and get a nap in.

Don’t ever feel like you have to vacate a store or the public just because people may be mildly inconvenienced for a couple of minutes. He’ll learn over time that while it’s okay to be sad in public, there are ways to process his emotions that don’t involve hurting himself or others.

Overall, I say just use your best judgment. If he’s sprawled out on the floor crying, just use the same techniques as before. It may a bit awkward to have people looking, but it’s fine. Those people won’t even remember it in the long term. I can’t name one time that I remember a store meltdown and what the people looked like or even where I was. Sometimes it’s better to let him let out his frustrations on the floor than to let him beat you up as you try and carry him outside.

I’m not sure if my comment is helpful, but I truly hope it is. Always remind yourself during these meltdowns that they’re temporary, that in a couple years you’ll look back and be amazed and proud that you got through it and you’ll be so proud of the emotionally intelligent child you raised.

 

[benzohar]

@esdras Thank-you this was definitely what I needed to hear, and exactly why I came to this sub for help. I truly appreciate all you had to say and I will definitely try my darndest to implement as much of this as I can.

Thank-you for you kind words and thoughtful respectful responses.

 

[michaeladolf]

@benzohar I am so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure you are doing the best you can so first and foremost I hope you are not being too hard on yourself. I also agree with deleatcookies that you need to prioritise having some tools to cope with the anxiety this brings. Some IG accounts like Kate Borsato and Matrescencematters have some really helpful tips and I think some 1:1 support too.

Also while it might indeed be in the spectrum of normal development, there might be other things in play that you could consult a specialist on once you are able to. I’m not sure what you’ve already looked into but just some things apart from sleep and basic needs that I could think of to consider for evaulation are:

• Being a highly sensitive kid. Could he be overstimulated which results in these long tantrums?
• Does he get a lot of time for movement and nature? Or is he mostly inside the house? Maybe more time outside to move his body to fill the gap in the other sensory systems might help.
• Is there a lot of “No” in the house? Meaning he might not have enough space to be independent and explore? Toddlers are notorious for wanting to be independent and having a good “Yes” space helps them fulfil that need.
• Aside from basic needs like food, sleep, clean nappy, does it seem lile he might have some medical issue/sensitivity? Have you noticed anything in that area in the last few days i.e. conspitation, gas, diarrhea or maybe any skin sensitivities or allergies. Any new food he’s been introduced to that might have had some effect and makes him feel generally unwell?
• Have there been any major changes in your household or any life event that could have affected him?

My son is pretty much a sensory seeker and is also highly sensitive. I read up a lot on tips from nurture ot, heysleepybaby and highlysensitivefamily and have been more conscious of making sure he gets a lot of active time.

You can also check out nurturedfirst for a lot of parenting tips and advice on how to handle tantrums.

I hope you can find a way to manage the anxiety and figure out what’s causing the tantrums (if there’s anything causing it) or just have the tools to really help you manage them in a better state. Hang in there.

 

[benzohar]

@michaeladolf Thank-you for this! I've tried to be aware of outside factors but currently there is no "trend". I don't feel like he's on the spectrum, there's really no other characteristics that would support that. But I wouldn't be surprised if something else is going on.

I'll definitely look into the accounts you suggested, at this point I'll try most anything.

 

[michaeladolf]

@benzohar Yeah it’s really difficult especially when a lot of things can be considered “normal” and that range can be huuuge. Sometimes when it happens with my kid having particularly bad episodes I often try to find a cause - it’s easier for me to think there’s an external reason for the tantrum, but sometimes there really isn’t any and it’s just developmentally normal. It’s very hard to predict.

What won’t change will be your need for coping skills so working on that will vastly help you with the tantrums.

One thing I did notice (same as your kid) when my boy throws these tantrums is that when I try to console or talk, it just pisses him off more. So often when it’s so explosive I just sit with him and leave a bit of distance and sometimes I just say “I’ll just be here if you need me”. I don’t hold him or console unless he asks for it. He usually cries and throws a fit first then a few minutes in he’ll start reaching for me and that’s when I’ll carry or give him a hug and just sit with him saying “it’s ok, i’m here.” And usually that’s when he slowly manages to regulate his feelings and calm down.

But it’s important to note that you can only really do that when you are able to regulate and are in a good space mentally. When I’m mentally exhausted too I can’t regulate and end up matching his mood and shouting (I’m very mich an empath and take on other’s moods very easily and it doesn’t help me regulate well) and it just makes things worse. So really speaking from my experience, you will need tools to find your calm especially if you find the shouting triggering.

 

[benzohar]

@michaeladolf I can do that so well at home. We are regulating masters and I can work through it all! It's just out in public my anxiety amps up! Especially if I'm alone with him. I find if my husband is there I can manage a lot better because even though he's the one that takes him the most when we are out he seems to be the one that loses his cool faster and I usually end up reminding him to relax, which helps me be relaxed.

I'm great in stressful situations where I can manage other adults but I apparently suck at managing a tantrum in public alone lol.

I do agree with others though, I think a lot of it is situational and that the outside world is a little overwhelming for him and causing some of our issues. I'm going to start being more mindful of that and adjust our outings accordingly as a start

 

[michaeladolf]

@benzohar Oh I relate to this so hard! Outside the perception of judgement just makes me panic all the more. I also think me being the default and preferred parent makes it so much harder for me to relax and easier for me to flare up, kinda like with your husband. There’s so much pressure and it feels like there’s no other choice or option because I’m always the preferred and default especially during tantrums.

And I also know what you mean being out with a kid. For the longest time I have been really scared of bringing my son out by myself cos I think I cannt handle when he throws a fill blown tantrum. Everything is harder outside so I totally get you. It’s so damn hard to manage toddlers they’re very unreasonable that it makes dealing with adults feel like a walk in the park

We also made sure to tweak our outings accordingly knowing he gets overwhelmed easily. Making sure to go out after his nap time and/or making sure there is a calm space where we are going. This means we usually can’t make it for lunch dates as he has a 1pm-4pm naptime usually. We also bought him a noise reducing headphone to reduce stimulation from outside. Maybe something like this can help with the sensory input.

 

[benzohar]

@michaeladolf Lol yea I'll deal with adults all day!

We do have some noise reducing headphones but he just plays with them lol. I'm sure something will come up that will work, in time. I think for now to help us all we need to just pull back on outings and work on regulating things at home and building our strategies then work on going out again.