This subreddit needs a wiki

[andujartyler]

@nathan98 I don’t mind too much. I am one of those whose mental load childrearing is really well split with my husband and take turns travelling for work/doing stuff on our own/doing family activities. It’s usually really good.

I also think saying you cannot travel/have to be there all the time is just not right. What about doctors that do 24-48 hours shifts? Parents in the military that are on tour of duty? Truck drivers? I could go on and on.

 

[erin81]

@andujartyler I fully realize I’m going to get downvoted in this sub -I’m a working mom myself, I get it - but I don’t agree with your statement at all. Choosing to travel extensively for your career when your kids are small is not prioritizing them, it’s prioritizing yourself. I hold this opinion for every single post in this sub where someone says they have or are taking a job with a ton of travel.

 

[andujartyler]

@erin81 But I disagree with the whole: my kids have to come first IN everything. That’s not true. I come first in my life. I make sure I am healthy (mentally and physically) and happy, because when I am happy and healthy it’s easier to take care of my kids and love them.

 

[erin81]

@andujartyler Why have them if you are not going to prioritize them? I’m not saying quit your job or give up all your free time. I’m just saying that traveling for a full week every month or whatever is too much time away when they are small.

 

[nathan98]

@erin81 You’re making a sweeping generalization based on your small anecdotal sample, and your personal beliefs. My parents both had PhDs, they traveled a ton for work, and raised successful children (who adore their parents.) They were fulfilled adults with full lives who didn’t expect tons of emotional gratification from children as the quid pro quo for raising them, but got it anyway.

 

[erin81]

@nathan98 You are doing the same exact thing. Making a sweeping generalization based on a small anecdotal sample. (“My parents traveled and we turned out fine!”) isn’t that how we all create our own opinions? I didn’t claim to be an expert.

 

[nathan98]

@erin81 While my anecdotal data point is admittedly not be generalizable, it is not speculative. For at least, one family - mine - it was perfectly OK for the parents to travel and no damage was done. Which raises the possibility that there are other parents who can travel without damaging their children. Rather than judging other people based on your speculative biases, it might be worth considering alternate perspectives.

 

[andujartyler]

@erin81 That’s your opinion, that is not mine.

 

[erin81]

@andujartyler Well…yeah, I mean, that’s how commenting under a specific user name on a social media site works. I didn’t say it was your opinion.

 

[chicka]

@duke845 5) I've got baggage to add to this one. The grass is always greener on the other side. People feel pressure to lie about feeling fulfilled as a sahm since equated to being a mother so much. It is possible and common to feel burned out with your own children, which brings a new type of guilt. Unless your partner is a rockstar, they will probably give every home task to you since it's really your job, and you won't really ever feel like you're not working or off the clock except maybe doomscrolling right before bed. Sahms utilize preschool for a reason, but you probably can't afford it on one income. Every summer is spent trying to find a new indoor place to go without spending too much money, and every winter is spent trying to stave off boredom while your children get rid of any evidence you were cleaning...just in time for your partner to come home and ask you what you've done all day (a very common sahm complaint). It's like having a boss all over again despite you being in a partnership. Even the most egalitarian men are prone to it. (If you are burdened with all the work while working, this is the type of husband that might behave like this. Your work is invisible. It will strangely not help to quit work and fully give in to these expectations). Most of your validation will have to come from within unless you want to become a dreaded Facebook mom trying to shame daycare and working women. Your activities, including your basic medical care and errands, will probably become more restricted due to the behavior of your kids resenting how understimulated they are. Just came from a thread where a woman totally lost it over a doctor appointment, snapping at her husband and kid and crying due to being overwhelmed as a sahm. I find this is relatable.

 

[juremahrb]

@chicka Are you a SAHM?

 

[chicka]

@juremahrb I did two stints. One during Covid, and I just ended the other one.

 

[juremahrb]

@chicka Not sure why I was downvoted. I asked because a lot of what you describe is spot on. I felt many of the same things as a SAHM.

 

[chicka]

@juremahrb Context is important. Not sure why you were downvoted either.

 

[katrina2017]

@chicka This is full of gross generalizations

 

[chicka]

@katrina2017 It speaks volumes that you can't criticize being a sahm even on a working mom subreddit, calling it my own baggage and still using language that makes exceptions. I felt lied to about it being great only to realize so many people quietly go through the same things but don't say it out of shame. I'm loud and proud.

For the record I'm not blaming the women in the situations I'm enraged on their behalf how no one seems to have the experience they expected.

 

[berean34]

@duke845 I’ve thought the same thing multiple times!

 

[inthewoods]

@duke845 Love this so much

 

[katrina2017]

@duke845 Starting off strong!

 

[elvisrene10]

@duke845 YES to a wiki! OP, your post is how my second time mom brain responds. Wearily, with wit and known answers.

My toddler just started at daycare, cries at every drop off…and perhaps my working mom heart is just armored, but at 3am filled with guilt.

My adds to wiki topics beyond daycare and dinner:

Identity:
3) I used to be interesting. Help.
We have all been that mom in a stained shirt making up yet another kid meal, no time to eat ourselves, planning, sighing at chopping all food into kid bites…wondering who is this person inhabiting my body.

A: you are still in there. And you are interesting to us. Let the youngest grow more and you too can have vacations, sleep, and in person friendships. Right now they are just trips to a less convenient location.

4) why do I feel I’m failing at everything?
a) patriarchy
b) social media
c) public policy failure
d) because you admire what you seek to cultivate

(Don’t worry, you are only failing at a few things. Passing at most and excelling at some. Try intentionally choosing what is a low priority.)

And try to let go of comparing your insides to other people’s outsides. Deep breaths, empathy, and know everyone has their strengths and challenges.