The 'not your birthday present' tradition my M.I.L started

[jackiecline]

My mother in law always means well, and I get along with her for the most part. I have 4 daughters aged 10, 9, 6, and 4. When my two oldest were born and had their birthdays, she thought it a good idea to buy the girl whose birthday it wasn't , a present.

Because of this, my wife does the same thing. Over the years, the presents have gone from being token gifts to quite elaborate things. I have never agreed with the idea of 'not your birthday' presents. To me, it just adds more unnecessary expense and takes away some of the attention on the actual birthday girl. I have always tried my best to bring my girls up humble and because of the not your birthday present tradition, they always seem disappointed when they should be happy for the sister whose birthday it is.

Am I just being a grumpy Dad or do I have a point?

EDIT: it's my youngest daughters birthday today, and I just found out my other girls are getting 5 presents each from my mother in law. It's quite depressing.

 

[newlywed13]

@jackiecline I am with you. Stuff like that annoys me

 

[jackiecline]

@newlywed13 Glad I'm not the only one. I've tried telling them my concerns but it falls on deaf ears. I'm sure you all know what that's like.

 

[faithwarriorgirl94]

@jackiecline I'm the bad guy. I've made my point clear and consistent. I set clear boundaries with presents for birthday and holidays. When my own mother or in-laws go overboard I let it slide at the get together. The next day I make it clear that they violated the boundaries I set. I ask them why they don't respect me as a parent for you to go against my wishes? When they ask why I'm so strict:

"Im trying my best to not raise spoiled brats and you are hindering my ability to do so".

"If you want give so much you can put that money towards the college fund instead."

"I never liked the non-b-day present but I saw how happy it made you and the kids, so I let it slide. It's clear it's got out of hand so I'm shutting it down."

"I've tried to make compromises but your consistent violation if our parenting decisions has forced me to be strict with you."

"I know your giving out of love, but it's having unintended consequences that us parents have to deal with."

I like to emphasis less material presents, like tickets to a show with grandparents. Outings with family/grandparents are limitless, material good/toys get the rules.

It's great cause when the kids act like brats in front of them I can just give them a look that says "It's been made clear that I've set clear reasonable boundaries. This bratty behavior can easily be linked to your violation of established boundaries and not my consistent and reasonable parenting"

Back to your situation: Since the extra present are already happening I would draw the line. No more non-b-day presents. Period. Maybe have one last birthday with them to appease. Ahead of time make it clear that their will be some sort of penalty for violation.

(My kids hang out with Gigi (my mother, the worst offender) once a week. If she goes above the established mark on number and/or price of presents than we will cancel a hang out. I'll plan a trip to a museum/zoo or something instead. That way the kids just think they cant go to Gigi's because of the special outting)

Tdlr. Put your foot down. Explain why the extra presents are bad (takes away from birthday person, increased risk of raising selfish people, etc.) Make clear boundaries like no non-b-day presents, total dollar amount, number of presents, etc. Make penalties for violation ahead of time. These guidelines will help create consistency and ease. Follow through! After many violations you will be accused of being a strict buzz kill. I always say "if you would simply follow the established parenting guidelines that were established by THE PARENT then we wouldn't have drama." After all, they are grown adults and not toddlers.

 

[amtnick12]

@faithwarriorgirl94 what a fricken boss

 

[faithwarriorgirl94]

@amtnick12 Like I said. I'm the bad guy. It sucks cause I want a better relationship with my mother, but she is downright a shop-aholic. Addicted to shopping. Wayfair, Amazon or course the mall. My father was wealthy and I guess he bought her love. After he passed it's gotten pretty bad.

That's why I have such a strict guidelines.

Unfortunately not a boss. Just a man between a rock and a hard place.

 

[amtnick12]

@faithwarriorgirl94 doing what you gotta do even when it ain't easy but you do it cos it's the right thing to do.. ..... sounds like a boss to me man

 

[davidcosell]

@faithwarriorgirl94 I lost this battle during the great Ipad wars of 2012. I was outnumbered. However, politically, I issued embargos upon use through 3rd party software, screen time, and router filters, essentially bricking them for everything except educational apps and wikipedia. I may have not wanted my kids to have Ipads that they received anyway from the MIL territories, but at the end of the day....they still did not actually have Ipads. We now live in a digital police state.

 

[themrs274948]

@jackiecline IMO part of what my "other" child gets on a birthday is to join in the celebrations including cake, goodie bags, etc.

They're usually more than happy enough to join in that without needing to get into extra presents, though sometimes they help unwrap

* other as in whichever child is not having a birthday

 

[duskborn]

@jackiecline I'm with you on it as well, my SIL does this with her eldest girl and it annoys me as it takes attention away from other children.

 

[jaltatujkazoe]

@jackiecline That's the kind of thing people do where they're trying to protect children from getting upset but really they're preventing them from learning some emotional maturity.

 

[jackiecline]

@jaltatujkazoe I agree totally with you. It'll be a harder lesson to learn later in life

 

[karen_naoki]

@jackiecline Also, it’s really easy to teach this when they’re little.

 

[chickadeegrace]

@jackiecline There’s an episode of Bluey called Pass the Parcel. It’s worth a watch and relates. It’s about your exact situation pretty much. You would be Lucky’s Dad here and let me tell you, it’s quite the honor.

 

[mike585]

@jackiecline

It'll be a harder lesson to learn later in life

I agree with you that I wouldn't want to start this with my kids, but I don't really agree that it will necessarily be harder to teach later.

As parents I think we all choose our battles. Some of our kids struggle with eating, sleep habits, expressing feelings with words, or whatever else. We do our best, but there is always something that we give in on. The vast majority of kids grow out of whatever "bad habits" they have as little ones. I was personally a picky eater until I was too old for it. I grew out of it completely, when I was ready myself.

Look, I think you and your partner should make parenting decisions together without your in-laws getting involved but my only point is that I don't think you are dooming your kids to be spoiled brats for the rest of their lives.

 

[erichartuv]

@jaltatujkazoe This. My nephew was taught by my parents he could help them blow out their birthday candles... And then he started blowing out the candles at other kids parties and his mom made excuses for him... Now he's 8 and it's less cute every year. When I didn't let him blow out my daughter's candles he was upset the rest of the day and was coddled for it.

 

[jobethian]

@jaltatujkazoe Exactly, this is kind of like the "everybody gets a trophy" philosophy extended to birthdays.

 

[lollykh]

@jaltatujkazoe They’re trying to protect them from being upset, but they’re actually just upsetting them.

 

[katrina2017]

@lollykh You're speculating on the effect as much as they are

 

[jjoolloo]

@katrina2017 It's pretty well researched that negative emotions need to be practiced in order to learn how to manage them effectively. Aversion of these feelings creates bigger issues down the road.

Age appropriate scenarios, of course, but watching someone else get a present for their birthday is easily age appropriate for all