Teen quit school- now what?

[thedevilaintthatbad]

Parents, please help. I have a 18 yr old who as soon as he turned 18 (a junior) , quit HS. I have an ex whom my kid lives with 50 % of the time(before turning 18) and my ex has no job and lives with his mother. He did nothing to encourage my son to stay in school and I was always the one on the phone w the teachers and the counselor and now I'm the only one demanding he take his GED, and go job searching. My son has anxiety and if something is too scary or difficult, he just makes excuses. now that he is 18 he chooses to stay at my ex house rather than come over because I make him take GED practice tests and I take him job hunting. My son has always been sweet and respectful and loving, but now he just gets mad saying all I talk about is the GED. He isn't a bad kid has never been in trouble and I didn't have difficulty w him in his younger teen years at all.But now, It's constantly stressful when we r together. I don't want to give up on him, I mean, I Never will but I feel like my pushing is just hurting us, it's definitely messing w my mental health because I just feel like a failure as a mother ever time he comes over now. I know he's 18 and he can make his own decisions but when do I just step back and let him make his own mistakes? and how exactly do u do that cause I can't seem too. Please share ur experiences with me if u understand. thanks!

 

[bernard05]

@thedevilaintthatbad What is he doing about his anxiety? Does he see someone? Take meds? Have a plan to address it? He can't just say "I have anxiety" and opt out of life. How is he expecting to support himself? If you agree not to bring up job hunting and GED for a year, will he agree to go to therapy for a year and actively work towards dealing with his issues?

 

[thedevilaintthatbad]

@bernard05 I know it's anxiety because I suffer from it you are definitely right, addressing this is the most important thing. I think it's a really good idea to offer him therapy. It's been so hard for me to accept that he didn't graduate and doesn't have a GED but I really do need to look at the big picture. Thanks for ur comment!

 

[katrina2017]

@thedevilaintthatbad He needs help. Get him in therapy ASAP. Anxiety is just like any other illness. It needs to be treated to improve.

 

[joshuaaa]

@thedevilaintthatbad One, I'd want to go back and asK:

Does he have any variation of ADHD? Dyslexia? Anything that might be imparing his ability to do well in school?

Does he suffer from depression?

You say he suffers from anxiety, but do you do anything about it?

Just pushing him to get his GED without getting to the underlying issue is like putting a band-aid on a broken arm. It helps but it doesn't treat the actual issue.

On the other side: Stop focusing on the GED or school in general. Focus on what does he want to do with life? When he's 80, what does he say he wants to have accomplished?

When you're 18, you feel immortal. 30 is a lifetime away. Consequences seem to have no bearing on life. And then you hit 30-somethings, and it's like oh shit, this is real...

So screw the GED for now, and just get him to talk about what does being 30 look like to him? What does being 40 look like for him? Make him work it backward so that he sees what he is doing at 40 relates to what he does at 35, which is impacted by what he does at 30, and so on. And then let him draw his own conclusions.

Focusing just on school is like driving down a road not knowing where you're going, but you're doing it anyway because you were told to just drive. Instead, find a destination, and then make him realize to get there, he's going to have to take some steps. The destination doesn't have to be an exact career, but anything, like living in a 3 bedroom house with a wife, or having a nice car, or one day designing your own video games.

See if you can get him to read these two books (or listen to the audio books, either way)

The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy

The Sutle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.

Good luck!

 

[thedevilaintthatbad]

@joshuaaa You are absolutely . I need to focus on the anxiety and step back from the school. I just needed to hear it. Thank you for ur great advice.

 

[floodland]

@joshuaaa I'd like to piggy back off this. A diploma doesn't mean the best career choices. Being a forman as a plumber, Hvac, or construction makes 70,000 starting pay. Or even join the military?!

 

[elephas]

@floodland Agreed. But again, any career can cause anxiety. Regardless of the path he chooses, he needs a way to manage his anxiety. Otherwise, he won’t be able to overcome any obstacles

 

[thislittlelightofmine]

@floodland Can’t join the military without a GED. Or if you treat your mental disorders (like take ADHD meds).

 

[chunhe889]

@floodland Not sure about the military, but I believe most of those jobs still require a high school diploma?

Maybe that's just here in Canada.

 

[pastorben]

@chunhe889 No, not all trades in Canada require a diploma. Different trades may have different pre-requisites. Welding for example in Alberta is Grade 10 Math, English & Science. Other programs like a heavy equipment technician need Grade 11 Math & English, Grade 10 science.

 

[floodland]

@chunhe889 Nope, they don't. They do require certification.

 

[thedevilaintthatbad]

@floodland I get this, but he won't take up any of my offers to pay for certification programs for these types of careers, or even putting in applications in the mall. And even the military needs a GED, tho he doesn't want to do that either. Really, I've tried every angle.

 

[sharonarrives]

@thedevilaintthatbad Why did he drop out? It's been a tough couple years school-wise, I know. Students have been struggling to keep up and procrastinating. Lots of bad habits were formed during quarantine. He could have had so much late work that he felt overwhelmed. Many many students feel the same.

I would like to echo the commenter above and say, focusing on the anxiety and helping him with his mental health right now is probably the key to everything else. I would say, even before asking what he wants to do with his life. It sounds like he might need to process some things. If you are able to get him into some counseling for his anxiety, that would probably help him to process.

Getting into a GED program without first processing why he decided to quit in the first place and what his needs are for studying and getting that certificate, will just frustrate him more.

Not getting the diploma isn't the end of the world. As a teacher, we want everyone to be able to graduate but I have seen students who drop out still become successful. Sometimes it takes a little more work, but if school is causing so much anxiety that you cannot be there and deal, there are other options. Another thing that he may consider is going to an online high school, depending on what was causing the anxiety in the first place.

 

[thedevilaintthatbad]

@sharonarrives Thank you for your encouraging words. I've definitely been listening to what everyone is saying, I need to step back and look at the bigger picture and mental health should be priority.

 

[floodland]

@thedevilaintthatbad How frustrating when you offer a very viable assistance. Maybe mom, you just have to back off and let him figure it out. Even if that means failing.
Tough love is still love.

 

[thedevilaintthatbad]

@floodland You are 100 percent right.

 

[michaelo]

@thedevilaintthatbad I am sorry. That has to be insanely stressful.

Unfortunately, the time to let him make his own mistakes is now, as all you can do is listen to him if he talks to you, trying to show unconditional love & connection, so perhaps when the opportunity arises to offer advice on a better future, me may listen vs. being annoyed.

The days of controlling his choices are over, as it sounds like he’s just going to stay with his dad, if you enforce any type of unpleasant influence — so all you can do is set boundaries about how much you will financially help him moving forward.

Agree with the other poster, asking about long-term goals, although, both of my teens still lack the meta-cognition to really answer such a question with any realistic insight…

 

[hein]

@thedevilaintthatbad Just to add, from someone who dropped out of 11th grade and later went on to college, I don't recommend the GED program. It's just that it stays with you like a stigma and every application asks about it. I almost got one, but found an alternative high school program instead. In most states you have until you're 21 to complete high school for free. There are tons of online options, where you complete your credits from the comfort of your computer, but there's also what I did which is adult high school. You have to be officially dropped out for 6 months. Most community colleges in the US offer it.

 

[thedevilaintthatbad]

@hein Thank you so much for this info. I will look into this asap.