Teen quit school- now what?

[marthasimons]

@thedevilaintthatbad Ultimately, I cannot force my kid to do a lot of things anymore. She'll experience the consequences. She understands that enough poor performance at school means you repeat the grade -- and everyone is going to realize it when you are not in classes with them next year. Poor performance at work means you don't have spending money and will possibly have more trouble finding another job. I've not experienced dropping out -- although there are perks tied to staying in school -- I cover some "fun stuff" and car insurance while you are in school -- that would certainly go away. Not as a punishment, but if you're not in school? You've got plenty of free time available to work, so you need to cover those expenses.

Something I remember my mom saying that I've taken to using is "I don't agree with your decision, but you are (almost) an adult and I support you making decisions for yourself" -- I knew the decision she wanted me to make, and I knew she was available to help me figure a path out of where ever my decision led.

How to step back? A lot of the stress I see comes from what's called a "parade of horrors" in the legal sphere -- basically looking at one decision and envisioning all of the awful things that can result from it. I counter the "horror" that my mind is conjuring with a happy outcome -- yeah, there's someone who dropped out of high school and is destitute. But there's also someone who spends a few years at a hated low paying job, decides to take their GED and enroll in Uni. Someone who hooked up with an apprenticeship program has a solid job. In my high school, the school guidance councilor's kid dropped out a week or two after he turned 18. He got a job at a local factory, got his own apartment, and eventually worked his way up to lower management. Not every possible outcome is dire.

I know not every possible outcome is awesome -- and poor school performance or dropping out of school certainly creates challenges for your future self. But, so far, I have managed to be supportive of decisions I don't actually like.

 

[judgenotbutyourself]

@thedevilaintthatbad Teen boys often use their Dad as a role model. Your son is trying to follow in his Dad's immature footsteps. Dropping out of school is not normal with anxiety.

At this point there isn't much you can do as frustrating as that is. Very few people would agree with your ex or your son's decisions.

 

[thedevilaintthatbad]

@judgenotbutyourself The ex is definitely a huge influence, it has been a long and hard road since my divorce. It's difficult because I have another teen whom is opposite my son and I never wanted them to feel like i favored one or the other so I don't want to "give up" for lack of a better term on him. But ur right boys look up to their dads

 

[sparrowfeet]

@thedevilaintthatbad I think the answer is now is the time that you step back and worry about preserving your relationship with your son and letting him start to make some of his own decisions. I know it feels very critical because it’s scary to think about a kid going out into the world without a GED, and he’ll figure that out. But you pushing it might actually be making it take longer than it normally would.

My friends have told me this is the age to say ‘Jesus take the wheel!’ either literally (if religious) or metaphorically.

 

[thedevilaintthatbad]

@sparrowfeet You are absolutely right. I just needed to hear this. Thank you.

 

[sparrowfeet]

@thedevilaintthatbad Oh, it is so much easier said than done! I am right there with you.

 

[postimpatica]

@thedevilaintthatbad The situation seems cut and dry. Your son is an adult and can choose to stay with Dad or become homeless or whatever.

Set conditions for his returning under your roof, should he choose that path.

1. He obtains his GED.
2. He obtains job training or begins job hunting and going on interviews. If the latter fails, he gets job training (e.g., a workforce training program at your local community college).
3. He sees a therapist for his issues. This should have started years ago.
4. Deadlines are set for these goals.
5. Once he obtains work, he pays a catch-all rental fee covering food, bed and utilities. Be clear that the fee you've set is well below what he would pay in the real world.

If he chooses sloth and a dismal future, grieve your son.

 

[un161]

@thedevilaintthatbad Honestly, don’t bail him out. Don’t let him live with you. Tell him you love him too much to let him do nothing with his life. Tell him when he’s ready to go see a therapist or gets a job/goes back to school, that you’ll be more than happy to help him out but until then, you aren’t going to bank roll his BS. Make it very clear to him that his choices have consequences and what the consequences are and let him choose.

 

[brendabree]

@thedevilaintthatbad Is your son in treatment to help him deal with his anxiety in more productive ways? That seems like a good first step.

If he's already established in therapy, or once he is, I would ask for a joint session with you, him, and the therapist. Explain why you want him to complete secondary school and what your concerns are if he doesn't. Then listen to his responses. He's an adult now so ultimately it's his choice, and he needs you to respect that. Therapy for you might also be helpful, to give you an unbiased person to talk to about this.

You may decide on some boundaries like no staying in my house until attending school/working/actively engaged in therapy/putting effort towards meaning goals/whatever. You may enforce other consequences like no spending money/no more chauffeuring/no support beyond essentials. Decide what works best for you and your family. Keep in mind, your son is only 18, and life is long. Right now not being in school is probably a lot of fun because it's summer and he can hang with his friends. Once his friends start moving onto bigger and better things being stuck in his hometown living with mom/grandma might lose its appeal, and he might surprise you with his gumption to get his life moving.

 

[jiminz]

@thedevilaintthatbad Ouch, this is a hard situation. He is 18 though, and currently has support from your ex, even if you disagree with the form the support is taking.

Maybe for the time being, switch your approach from what you want for his future to just focusing on your relationship with him and addressing the mental health situation. If he was living with you or under 18, it'd be different... but when everyone but you is perfectly happy with the status quo, it's creating pressure on you and you alone to change it.

 

[thedevilaintthatbad]

@jiminz Thank you, ur totally right. Mental health should be first on my list of to do. Now, to just get him on board with it...that's a different story.

 

[katrina2017]

@thedevilaintthatbad There is more than one path.