My 16 yr old is finishing their junior year in high school. They are involved in a certain performing art that is very niche and specific and it’s become their whole focus. For our purposes here, let’s say it’s puppeteering (it’s not, but it’s equally obscure with no place in modern culture). Their particular public school randomly has an exceptional puppeering troup, nationally recognized and my child jumped in freshman year. My child is one of the best puppeteers on the troup and will likely make captain for senior year - their teenage dream. Our problem is they loaf their way through classes. Earning grades of C and D. Earning whatever they can with the most minimal investment and currently sitting with 20+ assignments unstarted and a single week left in school. Their only care is puppeteering. I’m annoyed because if puppeteering were a sport, they couldn’t make the team with such little academic effort, but because it’s an art, there are no academic standards. What’s my move here? I’m tired of hearing lies about the assignments. We’ve threatened to take away puppeteering but we know how much it’s loved and they say if we take away the puppeteering they will be depressed. They don’t care about driving, or time with friends, or screen time, so there is no other currency. Also we’ve saved for college but aren’t willing to send our puppeteer when they haven’t proven they have any plan and don’t show interest in college or career goals. What do you advise?
Take away puppeteering or no?
- Thread starter nyxstory
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bobafett1701
New member
@nyxstory I don't understand why you haven't explained the actual performing art your kiddo is into. I am not getting a feeling of annoyance in your post, I sense shame or perhaps embarrassment in the way you've explained it. Apologies if I am off base for sharing that, but if there are underlying feelings about this art, could it be impacting your thoughts on all of this?
What are you most worried about really? Prioritize what matters most to you kid and the rest will work itself out.
Take a step back and look at the big picture. How many adults ask you what your high school grades were? Grades aren't a reflection of who we are as humans.
What are you most worried about really? Prioritize what matters most to you kid and the rest will work itself out.
Take a step back and look at the big picture. How many adults ask you what your high school grades were? Grades aren't a reflection of who we are as humans.
@bobafett1701 Hmm. I’m listening, thank you for your response. If it came across that I’m ashamed of the activity, my apologies. The art is beautiful and I am absolutely not ashamed of the art. I’m proud of my kid’s hard work and love watching. I am annoyed though, that the coaches prioritize this art over everything else at the expense of a balanced life and education. There is no being sidelined if you don’t make the grade like you’d expect with student athletes. No contract or accountability.
Did you watch that documentary about Nickelodeon? I feel like the mom that had to speak up about how the conditions on set weren’t good for her kid, but then the kid lost the part, fell into a depression, and hated her for decades. It’s the same fear with the puppeteering.
Did you watch that documentary about Nickelodeon? I feel like the mom that had to speak up about how the conditions on set weren’t good for her kid, but then the kid lost the part, fell into a depression, and hated her for decades. It’s the same fear with the puppeteering.
bobafett1701
New member
@nyxstory That is great news and I am sure your kiddo feels that support from you. That will live with them forever, individual letter grades not so much. Summer is right around the corner. Just aim for passing. 
I didn't watch the documentary. Are you saying you want the system to change in the hopes that your kiddo would respond to this theoretical change?
Do you know for certain the performance art coach has little concern for balance or does it just feel like it? Have you considered speaking to the coach one on one to share your concerns? Maybe they're completely unaware they're giving this vibe or perception. If they are responsive to your concerns and they're a positive influence on your kiddo maybe they can help guide your kiddo to strike a better balance for the upcoming school year.
On a larger scale, have you considered speaking to the school or district to suggest a similar program of accountability be put in place for arts? Or perhaps learn from them about why there isn't a parallel system already?
I get the worrying, I do it also and way more than I want to admit most days. Parenting teens feels impossible sometimes. Give yourself credit for thinking it through and wanting the best for your kiddo.
I didn't watch the documentary. Are you saying you want the system to change in the hopes that your kiddo would respond to this theoretical change?
Do you know for certain the performance art coach has little concern for balance or does it just feel like it? Have you considered speaking to the coach one on one to share your concerns? Maybe they're completely unaware they're giving this vibe or perception. If they are responsive to your concerns and they're a positive influence on your kiddo maybe they can help guide your kiddo to strike a better balance for the upcoming school year.
On a larger scale, have you considered speaking to the school or district to suggest a similar program of accountability be put in place for arts? Or perhaps learn from them about why there isn't a parallel system already?
I get the worrying, I do it also and way more than I want to admit most days. Parenting teens feels impossible sometimes. Give yourself credit for thinking it through and wanting the best for your kiddo.
@nyxstory This is a tough situation that you're in.
My daughter attends her high school performing arts academy (she's in the theatre strand), and the students are required to maintain a certain GPA to stay in the academy. Even the One Act Play Team is considered a winter sport in our state and must keep a certain GPA. So it's strange to read that your child's school does not have a GPA for their puppeteering troupe. These students should be held to the same standards as the kids on athletic teams. Have you considered going straight to the principal or the school board with your concerns? Maybe other parents feel the same way.
Anyway, I've told my kids that their extracurricular activities are a privilege, not a right. School and learning come first. So, if your child cannot keep up their grades and homework, then yes, puppeteering must be taken away until grades improve. Period.
Also, obsessing over one thing and their lack of executive functioning skills could be an indication of ADHD, so you may want to think about getting your child tested for it.
My daughter attends her high school performing arts academy (she's in the theatre strand), and the students are required to maintain a certain GPA to stay in the academy. Even the One Act Play Team is considered a winter sport in our state and must keep a certain GPA. So it's strange to read that your child's school does not have a GPA for their puppeteering troupe. These students should be held to the same standards as the kids on athletic teams. Have you considered going straight to the principal or the school board with your concerns? Maybe other parents feel the same way.
Anyway, I've told my kids that their extracurricular activities are a privilege, not a right. School and learning come first. So, if your child cannot keep up their grades and homework, then yes, puppeteering must be taken away until grades improve. Period.
Also, obsessing over one thing and their lack of executive functioning skills could be an indication of ADHD, so you may want to think about getting your child tested for it.
@nyxstory Has your kid been screened for adhd? I made straight As in college - but only in the classes that were in my major. The other classes were a disaster. In the end, it was fine, I wasn’t going on to graduate school or anything so my gpa didn’t matter. But without the coping skills that took me years to develop and the medicine I eventually started, I would never end up where I am today. And if I had those things earlier in life (diagnosed when I was 45), I know I would’ve been so much more successful and not had so much shame about not being able to handle simple things that seem so easy for everyone else.
onewhoseeks
New member
@nyxstory I think it’s odd to speak in code about the activities (from anyone that is in this thread) and it’s not possible to give very good advice about the time spent on the activity without knowing if the activity is truly that niche and has ‘no place in modern culture’ - or if you just perceive it to be through your own lens.
I’d advise to ask your child what their long term dreams and goals are and how their current path affects those? And they don’t have a plan, ask them to make one. Even if it’s a dream. Have they taken finance classes, understand a budget? What they need to understand is how any career choice will affect those goals and potential to earn, and how their time spent now may impact that.
I’d advise to ask your child what their long term dreams and goals are and how their current path affects those? And they don’t have a plan, ask them to make one. Even if it’s a dream. Have they taken finance classes, understand a budget? What they need to understand is how any career choice will affect those goals and potential to earn, and how their time spent now may impact that.
@nyxstory I’m currently working on allowing my 18 year old to experience natural consequences. He has 4 days left until he graduates but he’s failing 1 class and if he doesn’t get it together, he doesn’t graduate. If I argue with him, he’ll not do it out of spite. So, he knows what he needs to do and I’m letting him do it or not. I have learned that the things I do to manipulate, force, or “motivate” him usually don’t work. If they do work, it’s very brief and then he falls back into his old behavior. I have settled over the years for being grateful for passing grades. He’ll have to figure himself out when he’s an adult.
@fejesusor Thank you for this post. It’s a comfort and it seems like the only logical direction. I totally agree that when we manufacture consequences to teach a lesson, it’s rarely learned. And, they’re getting too old for that. I’m going to try to breathe in and out, lead by responsible example, and let the cards fall where they will.
@nyxstory My kid (current junior) is also in "puppeteering" and plans to do it in college for fun, not for a degree. 
(Which is good. The face was because that's their metric for picking a college)
We had to sit them down and tell them "Hey, you got one year until you're legally an adult and graduate and life is going to hit you like a train" (paraphrased).
We told them we're paying the entry fees for puppeteering but not driving them to/from activities or buying all the extra crap they want (require) you to buy, hopefully, this will pressure them to get a job and they're DL (has been eligible since December!).
Hopefully, that'll ignite their flame or whatever.
It's only been 2 weeks since that talk so, I don't know if it worked or not.
(Which is good. The face was because that's their metric for picking a college)
We had to sit them down and tell them "Hey, you got one year until you're legally an adult and graduate and life is going to hit you like a train" (paraphrased).
We told them we're paying the entry fees for puppeteering but not driving them to/from activities or buying all the extra crap they want (require) you to buy, hopefully, this will pressure them to get a job and they're DL (has been eligible since December!).
Hopefully, that'll ignite their flame or whatever.
It's only been 2 weeks since that talk so, I don't know if it worked or not.
@nyxstory Choices have consequences. Tell your teen that their choice to disregard every other thing has a consequence of losing the one thing unless they step up and pay attention to the other things they need to be responsible for.
Of course they will be depressed if you take the fun, interesting exciting thing. Wouldn’t you rather play than work??
However, as a parent, it’s our responsibility to teach them responsibility. As adults, we have to do the yucky things too, the things we don’t want and don’t enjoy.
Tell teen you don’t expect all A’s, but you do expect better than D’s. Those uncompleted assignments will be done, or there will be no puppets
Of course they will be depressed if you take the fun, interesting exciting thing. Wouldn’t you rather play than work??
However, as a parent, it’s our responsibility to teach them responsibility. As adults, we have to do the yucky things too, the things we don’t want and don’t enjoy.
Tell teen you don’t expect all A’s, but you do expect better than D’s. Those uncompleted assignments will be done, or there will be no puppets
hisangelonearth
New member
@nyxstory With Cs and Ds you won't have to worry about spending college money - they won't get in.
I would suggest a mix of natural consequences and accountability.
For accountability, set up a family meeting where they have to show you the work that is due for the upcoming week and a plan to complete it. Natural consequence is that if they don't follow the plan, they'll fall behind and their grades will reflect that. Bigger natural consequence is that they won't get into college and will be doing a victory lap after their friends all graduate. Your role is to set up conditions for success - their job is to complete the work. Maybe instead of taking it away, you set up rolling consequences. 1) If assignments are missing they have to do their homework in the rehearsal space with with puppeteering teacher supervising. 2) if grades are below a certain reasonable average, they have to give up the captaincy to another student. etc.
As others have said, I assume that the arts director is also a school teacher - and as such you can meet with them at the start of the next school year and explain that you want their support to keep your kid better on track with schooling.
I would suggest a mix of natural consequences and accountability.
For accountability, set up a family meeting where they have to show you the work that is due for the upcoming week and a plan to complete it. Natural consequence is that if they don't follow the plan, they'll fall behind and their grades will reflect that. Bigger natural consequence is that they won't get into college and will be doing a victory lap after their friends all graduate. Your role is to set up conditions for success - their job is to complete the work. Maybe instead of taking it away, you set up rolling consequences. 1) If assignments are missing they have to do their homework in the rehearsal space with with puppeteering teacher supervising. 2) if grades are below a certain reasonable average, they have to give up the captaincy to another student. etc.
As others have said, I assume that the arts director is also a school teacher - and as such you can meet with them at the start of the next school year and explain that you want their support to keep your kid better on track with schooling.
@nyxstory “C”’s get degrees is the reality for some kids who cannot prioritize classes over extracurriculars. And yes, sometimes it is for mental health reasons. I don’t think I would make them quit their passion.
Mine is a senior and does theater tech. During times a play is in production (seems almost constant) their grades tank and they are at school until almost 10pm most nights and all day Saturday. I hate it. But I recognize that they need the connection of peers so strongly right now. I understand how stressful it is, I was getting constant emails of “Senior in danger of failing” until the last play ended and they spent the next two weeks turning in missing assignments in order to graduate.
If your kid is considering college, take time to look at schools that include their passion either as a major or an extracurricular and go over what it would take to get into that school. Many schools are now test optional, what is their acceptance rate? For many you do not need to be a top student to get in. Show that your kid can be part of the community the school wants to foster, maybe volunteering or a summer job can help demonstrate responsibility if grades cannot.
Can your kid work or volunteer in “the puppeteering industry” to make connections, find someone who could vouch for them, mentor them and make a letter of recommendation or character reference when applying to schools? This can be just as important if they are lacking in a solid academic record.
Mine is a senior and does theater tech. During times a play is in production (seems almost constant) their grades tank and they are at school until almost 10pm most nights and all day Saturday. I hate it. But I recognize that they need the connection of peers so strongly right now. I understand how stressful it is, I was getting constant emails of “Senior in danger of failing” until the last play ended and they spent the next two weeks turning in missing assignments in order to graduate.
If your kid is considering college, take time to look at schools that include their passion either as a major or an extracurricular and go over what it would take to get into that school. Many schools are now test optional, what is their acceptance rate? For many you do not need to be a top student to get in. Show that your kid can be part of the community the school wants to foster, maybe volunteering or a summer job can help demonstrate responsibility if grades cannot.
Can your kid work or volunteer in “the puppeteering industry” to make connections, find someone who could vouch for them, mentor them and make a letter of recommendation or character reference when applying to schools? This can be just as important if they are lacking in a solid academic record.