Solo parenting

[wonderer99]

My husband works so much at his extremely stressful job, including weekends, that it’s usually just me and the kids (6,4,2 and baby on the way). Not exaggerating when I say he has 0 household duties besides putting his dinner plate in the sink and he might spend a few hours with us every other weekend. I have figured out a cleaning routine but I’m struggling with some aspects of solo parenting with so many of them. For example, how to discipline one without punishing the rest (eg 6yo was not listening at the park which I would think we should just leave but I didn’t want to punish the others). Or finding 1 on 1 time to spend with each one. My connection with my oldest is really suffering right now. I would like to set aside some time to teach reading at home too but it’s hard to get one to focus with the constant demands & interruptions from the other 2. I struggle with the constant overwhelm of demands, crying, whining and fighting with me as the main focus. Any tips from others in a similar situation?

 

[katrina2017]

@wonderer99 Similar position here. Partner who works long hours and 3 under 5, possibly #4 in the next while (still on the fence).

I think part of it is figuring out your routine and believing that the rest will come into place when you do.

For example, you might be stressed because the dishwasher is full and there’s dinner to be started and the kids are fighting. The important thing to do is have a system.

For me, it involves using r/Todoist (I suck it up and pay the pro fee) and I like r/Notesnook for reference. Everything with a date goes into my iCal with alerts and reminders. I did a lot of work on productivity, and there’s tons of great advice by dividing your life between dated things, things to remember and things to do.

I know that I’m often in a better place to mentally handle kid stuff when I realize that I’ve been on top of chores. It’s an ongoing learning curve. Bonus: They are less stressed when I’m not stressed.

As an aside: It’s good to be clear about your expectations and your responsibilities. Because my partner works long hours and when he’s off work on his rotation, he needs to be “off.” He’s also very appreciative of the boundaries we set. Determine what works for you.

 

[airamerica]

@wonderer99 The two and four-year-olds should start being trained to have a quiet hour nap / playing quietly in their room. It's really hard at first because you have to put them back every 5 minutes but the rewards are great to teach the independent play. Your kids are in public school you have even less time? We switch off and let one kid stay up 20 minutes 30 minutes later with us for their special time it could be as simple if I'm exhausted and then picking a cartoon to share with me sometimes we'll do a little craft or read some special books. When one is misbehaving while we're out they get to sit at the park I always try to give a second chance so they can practice better Behavior. Family walks just me and the kids have done us great it's a chance for me to practice road safety and obedience because they have to walk safely with me and I also get time to chit chat with my oldest. Make sure you are reading them all books after you brush your teeth switch off who gets to sit on your lap. I have four and it's not easy to make sure they're all getting time together and keeping them busy enough so they're not bickering but it can be done you just have to really schedule. I still help with bath make sure hairs are fully rinsed out so I make sure to schedule an extra 15 minute times on their bath night so I can play with them while they're in there even a 6 year old likes to play in the bath. I grabbed some trucks or some mermaids and play Make Believe then scrub their head. Keep working on that Bond you will not regret it it's exhausting but you will have a solid relationship as they go out and their peers become more important

 

[ovverload]

@wonderer99 My husband travels a ton and I totally get it. Hope it gets better for you!

For reading and lessons, Some ways to keep the other two busy might include watching tv, playing outside in a safe area, or even asking a neighbor to watch them? Do you know any homeschooled teens who can be mother’s helpers? At one point, I had a mom friend with similar ages and we would take turns watching each others’ kids for an hour or two so we could get stuff done once a week. They tend to behave better when strangers are nearby!

Also six is the age of defiance, according to child development books. It’s normal to fight with mom at that age. My 6 yo kids have been way harder than any of my 2/3 year olds. It may be helpful to read some age specific books for how to deal with this.

 

[bob999]

@ovverload Are there any books you'd recommend? My daughter turns six in a week, I want to prepare myself

 

[ovverload]

@bob999 I have the series by Louise Bates Ames, a book for each age. Not really a discipline book, more just an overview of what’s normal. I got them from my MIL but you can find them used online.

 

[bellavida143]

@bob999 My eldest son was a reluctant reader but he loved The Magic Treehouse series. A brother and sister discover a tree house that is magic and it fosters a love for books and adventure.

 

[turbobull]

@bellavida143 Second vote for Magic Treehouse, my son has been eating them up and they’re perfect for being chapter books.

 

[1way76]

@wonderer99 Specifically, in the situation with the park, I'd have the 6 year old sit down for a few minutes instead of playing. If it was bad enough to leave, I'd take everyone home, but then let the other 2 have a treat as compensation.

As for reading, I'd sit down and have story time together. If the 6 year old is already reading, I'd let them read the story or have them take turns being the "big kid" with me.

As for working on the relationship with your 6 year old, is there something you could do together after getting 2 & 4 down? Even if it's something like doing dishes, playing a quick game, coloring for a few minutes, painting toe nails, building something. I find that even all this time later, my 10 year old takes the longest to get in bed because that's her undivided time - usually spent chatting. As for the others getting one on one time, mine go through phases where someone usually wants to help me make dinner in the kitchen. Sometimes it's the toddler sitting with me and helping me stir things, sometimes it's the baby stealing bites of whatever is passing through, sometimes it's an older kid wanting to learn how to make something. If the 6 year old is in school, utilizing nap gaps can be helpful for the other 2 kids. A few minutes here and there adds up.

As they get older, it gets easier. Once the baby is born, you're likely to backslide a little bit just because you'll be in survival mode. That's ok.