@cornerstoneeg I just wanted to say, don't ever feel like you can't complain. Just because you are doing something you love, doesn't mean it's not super hard to do. And it doesn't mean you have to love it ALL THE TIME. It's a lot. It's stressful, it's exhausting. All those things are real and valid emotions. Don't ever feel ashamed to feel that way!
@cornerstoneeg Hey! I didn't read all of the comments so idk if anyone has said this or not. The encouragement you are getting is great, but I'm also about practical advice. I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old and I'm 26 weeks pregnant. I've been a SAHM since my first was born. I feel you, girl. So something that I do, because I need it, is time in their rooms outside of naps. Both of my kids have an hour in their rooms every day, outside of a nap for my 2 yr old. (My 4 yr old doesn't nap anymore.) For the oldest, it was easy. Once she stopped napping frequently, she still had to go to her room during the same time, but she didn't have to sleep. My 2 yr old naps once and it's in the late morning like 11 or so. (He's always napped in the morning and I hate it but when he's falling asleep on the floor, there's not much I can do.) He sleeps for 1.5 hours. When he wakes up, we have lunch and I'll do a short activity with them and then they are in their rooms at around 1:30 - 2:30. (You could do this in the morning if your kiddo is an afternoon napper.) For my son, I started him off with 15 minutes. He cried. I emptied the dishwasher and then went and got him. After a few days, it went to 30 and then 45 and now 60 minutes. Every other week or so they get to change out what toys are in their rooms. Both of my kids need time away from each other and away from me to grow their independence. They play better together when they've had this time also. I get a guaranteed one hour every single day. It's not nap dependant. It happens every day, even on the weekends. I am less stressed about stuff I want to get done because I know I will have time to do it during that time. Mentally and physically, it's what I need to be the best mom I can be.
@cornerstoneeg I shut the door. You can turn the doorknob so the lock is on the outside and lock it or you can put the babyproof plastic cover on the doorknob. My 4 yr old has a clock in her room and I set a timer on it for one hour. After that hour she can leave her room and she opens my son's door so he can leave.
I usually give a countdown like:
"We are going to do x for 10 more minutes and then it's time for room time."
"5 minutes until room time."
"Okay, it's time for room time! Would you like to bring a different book or toy today?"
We don't do electronic toys in general. We have a tv but we don't do tablets or anything with them.
I feel like during this time it's really good to allow them space to stretch their imagination. They have to come up with what to do for an hour. Sometimes my son just rolls around on the floor. Sometimes he looks at books or plays with a couple toys. My daughter is super into playing pretend so she has a castle in her room and she plays with little dolls with that. It's okay for them to be bored sometimes. I make sure that all wipes and diapers are out of reach so my son doesn't destroy those. He has a 6 drawer dresser and there's nothing in the bottom 3 drawers so he can't throw his clothes all around. We also still have a camera in there so I check in on what he's doing periodically.
@alidvx We didn't do electronics until recently. I just reached a point where I was throwing anything at him to keep him entertained.
So you started with 15 minutes, then after a few days moved to 30, and so on. Did you wait until they had stopped crying to move the time up? Do you let them play in their rooms otherwise?
I didn't wait for him to fully stop crying. I just waited until he started having moments of playing or looking at books and wasn't laying in front of the door crying the whole time. Once I saw him starting to entertain himself, I would move up the time. Even though he has very little concept of time, I still was honest and kept to my word about timing. So if I said 30 minutes, I waited 30 minutes, even if he was crying. I wanted him to understand how long/how short that time was. As long as he wasn't hurting himself, I stayed out.
@alidvx So, I’ve been doing this for 3 days now and it is so great! My son is doing shockingly well and now I get a few minutes to get some stuff done. Who even knew this was possible? This is life changing. Thank you so much. I have 1 last question: what do you do when you go out of town? Do you maintain this quiet time?
P.S. I’m typing this while he’s playing happily in his room.
@cornerstoneeg I'm so glad it's working well for you! I had the same thoughts when I started doing this. Yesterday my husband had a ton of meetings and told me he was going to be working late. So, during that time I prepped a casserole and put it in the fridge and when dinner time rolled around, I just had to take it out and put it in the oven and dinner was good to go! No trying to cut or cook over a stovetop with kids running between my legs constantly. I try to do any dinner prep like that during that time. Game changer, for sure.
We try our best to maintain that time when anything is off with our schedule. Since I have 2 kiddos, it's more important that they get time away from each other. So I just keep that in mind when things get thrown off. We aren't really going out of town because of the pandemic so we haven't run into this in the past ~6 months. So I can't say for sure if it'll happen exactly like we have been doing. But if you do go out of town, I would say just be mindful of his behavior and if he is extra fussy or really on edge, it might be overstimulation and time by himself could help with that. Use your best judgement based on how both of you are feeling.
@cornerstoneeg I feel you, it's relentless. My kids are 7 and 5 and have never once spent a night away from me because special needs. It's currently 10pm here and I'm still sitting here in a dark bedroom waiting for the 7yo to fall asleep. I've been doing this for 7 years, with a grand total of 5 nights off when I had to travel for work. I sometimes wonder if I went completely insane somewhere down the line and just didn't notice.
@treybud20 "Rentless" is a good word for it. And I don't know if this happens to you, but people think that because the kids go to bed late they'll sleep in. "Oh! He woke up early, he'll have a good nap today!" Nope, he'll probably just be fussy until his normal nap time.
@cornerstoneeg Pregnant with 1 yr old twins and 3yr old so you’re not alone mama. I stay home all day and let’s just say I’ve counted every bump on the wall and changed so many shit diapers I’m losing it.
@thienthatha96 I've considered doing that, but there's a complication. My best friend from college has a little girl who is literally only 2 days younger than my son (we didn't plan this) so it could work out perfectly. The problem is, her daughter doesn't like other kids. We take them to the park a couple days a week and she cries whenever any kid even starts to head in her direction or goes down one of the three slides. They see each other constantly and she still cries about my son. My friend tells her all the time that we have to share the park and that my son isn't bothering her, etc. But no improvement.
My son has another friend he adores and they get along really well, but his grandmother lives across the street from us and we only see him when he's visiting her (weekly). But I couldn't ask to trade with her and take away her time with her grandson. His parents just had twins so trading with them isn't an option either.
All in all, seeing his friends and my friend is what gets us through the week. But it's still not "me" time.
@cornerstoneeg Same. 2 year old and 8 months pregnant, and family is 6 hours away. It’s definitely taken a toll on us to have no time for date nights or any outings just as a couple. I’m always so envious of people who have grandparents nearby to take their kid for even an hour.
@cornerstoneeg Reading through your comments I can see we have a lot in common. My son is 3 and pretty much never stops moving. Hes never slept over anywhere without me (my choice) and you can tell the lack of activities is starting to get to both of us. Its been a bad year for us, and I started talk therapy over the phone. I have code words for things my dude shouldn't hear and my therapist never questions when I have to go into mommy mode or even end the session early. Its really helped a lot. She also encouraged me to find so me time any way that I can, which for me is waking up an hour and a half before everyone else on week days and 2 hours on weekends. She also suggested that I tell my husband what I need to do on Saturday by myself. He's always been incredibly involved and understanding but he needed clearer signals from me. He needed me to tell him that no I will not take our son to target with me and no he cant stop on his way home to get whatever we need. Especially since what we need is me time. I made sure to thank him and tell him how much it meant to me after. Honestly it was hard not to gush, I felt so much better. He noticed a change in me after 2 weekend me times. Now he encourages me to find ways to have me time. Last week they flew kites in the park and I got a haircut!
