Shy Freshman son; starting to make friends. But I can't deal with some of the parents. Clique all over again

[metsuko]

I feel like I am reliving my HS years with cliques again. My son is shy and just started to make friends. He is in sports and we all meet as a group for after parties, events. I've become friends with some of the parents but a few, I just cannot stand. I don't want to throw the r-word but my wife and I experience some passive micro-aggression and we both have not felt like this in 20, 30 years. So I don't want to throw that word around. We are not white. At the last party, the host did not acknowledge us and we felt disrespected and ignored. My wife sincerely believed we were looked down because of our ethnicity. Again, I don't want to throw the r-card into the picture but it sure felt like it.

I believe it is also because we were not originally part of that clique. Some of those parents knew each other from a long time as most of the kids are from a different elementary/middle school which are now congregating into the large higher school. So we don't have those past relationships.

I don't want to raise attention to this to jeopardize my son's social life. I feel like the same thing I had to go through when I was in high school. Now it is the parents. So I am feeling we should just "suck it up" and deal with it? Is having sporting families like this? Tournaments, etc.???

He really enjoys going to Pizza, small parties after wards. Without that, he has no social life. Doesn't go out, doesn't hang out with anyone.

 

[charitylove]

@metsuko Ugh - not sure what to say except sorry. Some people really suck. I hope you find a few good people in the group - it’s possible you can weed them out if you give it some time. Plus, I don’t think you’ll have to do this for 4 whole years. In general, parents of freshman are way more involved & then you end up letting go more & more over time. You sound like good parents!

 

[amyser]

@metsuko Hey OP, i can provide my experience as a father with kids in sports. I am white, my kids are multi-racial. We go to the team events to support our kids. Many of parents have known each other for a long time… there are a few parents i know and like, others i am not fans of, others that I suspect are not fans of me. I am 100% ok with this as I think it is normal… This is the case were i work, when i was in school, and athletics.

I tend to gravitate towards people i have a connection with. I tend to avoid folks I don’t care for, and i think most folks do. Why would I voluntarily spend time with them? I try to keep an open mind as impressions have mislead me before.

I also believe its in poor taste for a host to not acknowledge their guests! Freaking rude!! I hope this is helpful.

 

[metsuko]

@amyser Thanks for the comments, your insight is valued. Yeah, I am starting to gravitate with only certain parents. Some parents take the sport too seriously and get critical when the team loses; pointing fingers. I also get irritated when these parents let the older siblings go on tirades why certain players "suck" or causes the team to lose. Not a good way to build teamwork. They kids are just having fun.

Also, it has only been a problem when the two varsity and junior varsity co-mingle. My kid is a freshman so we are just going to skip varsity-centric events. Some of those parents have multiple grade kids and the coach invites all the families. So we get roped into going to them. But no more.

And yes, I am not gonna let that one incident trigger me too much.

 

[joshuaaa]

@metsuko I am sorry you're going through this.

Remember, high school is only 4 years.

To certain extent, yes you have to suck up some of it, but you have no obligation to go to every event. You can always arrange to pick up your son afterward.

People are unlikely to become good friends with all of their child's friends. Some you will, some you won't, some will just be temporary moments in your life.

 

[marybeee]

@metsuko It’s his life at this point. Yes, my two cents, suck it up. There is likely 1 or 2 sets of parents who you can be friends with. Just try to find them.

 

[dt21]

@metsuko I’ve been a sport mom for a several years now and my son had played on different teams through out the years and all I can say is unless you get in the conversations and go up to people to start the conversation a lot of time they are not going to approach.
It will feel like a click because a lot of the parents know each other from previous years.
Oh and basically all you can really talk about it seems is the sport on hand that they are playing. It’s the small talk baloney I can’t stand but the more you see these people the more comfortable you will become.

 

[katrina2017]

@metsuko this is something that the parents are probably just experiencing, not your child but do talk to him about it in the event that there are micro-aggressions happening....ask him simple questions like how are you getting along with XYZ? and see where that question takes you.

as for the parents.....tbh, I'd just keep it cordial and that's it. You don't have to be close friends with them but know them enough that you can text each other when the kids get together.

 

[augjdog]

@metsuko I’ll challenge you to just assume it’s not about race.

As a white upper middle class person I have dealt with this as well after my daughter switched to a private school in the middle of high school. The parents are cliquey and I am definitely the one making the effort—if I didn’t, no one would talk to me. All the parents have known each other forever (most kids that go there are “lifers”.) It stinks but I’m sure it’s a lot harder for my daughter!

Think about what you bring to the table and focus on that. Are you funny? Play that up. Do you have a house that would be great for after game parties? Have your son invite the kids over. Can you bring amazing snacks to the game the kids don’t usually get? Try that.

While it can be hard for us parents, at the end of the day, we are there to support our kids. It’s not about us as parents and not our job to point out (to our kids) or bring any kind of parent drama into our kids lives. I’ve realized it’s an excellent exercise in getting along with many different kids of people, even though I may personally not like them and visa versa.

 

[metsuko]

@augjdog

I’ll challenge you to just assume it’s not about race.

I am hoping this is not the case. It may be more classism than race. We live in a city where there are some parents who are single mother waitress at the local iHop and some parents like me who have Silicon Valley Tech income. That I can deal with that but our family likes to keep a low profile. We are very well off. My son is incredibly humble. He dresses in "normcore" and looks like he got out of bed in pajamas. He is also very aware of his privilege to a point where he asks to be dropped off from school a few blocks away from view so other kids don't get the bad impression that his dad drives a flashy sportscar.

As for inviting to the house, I don't have a problem with that but we live in a nice house with high end interior designer touches. My son's bedroom is furnished like a Design Within Reach (DWR) catalog which it is. I plan to convert that room into a guest room when he leaves to college so it looks very adult and high end. And we have a lot of nice cars ,etc... My son really wants to avoid that until he becomes better with friends. We don't want to be flaunting upper middle class status or perception of wealth. My son has to deal with "wealth guilt" already and we respect his decision to be private about that. He already knows we can afford to send him to whatever college he wants and other kids do not have that luxury. He is already struggling with this and we are acutely aware of the nuances of this.

But back to the rude host. They do live a very big house with a large lot, 4 car garage and additional driveway to support 6-8 cars and a barn on a 2 acre lot. By every measurable appearance, they look very well off. Again, this doesn't faze me because I am cool with all parents of any income level. We can hold our own. So the host came off as high brow; looking down on us. Walking away, not getting a formal introduction. Maybe we are seen as new money vs old money. I don't know. We don't give off those vibes. We were dressed in sweat pants (as we just finished some errands). And nothing flashy. Regardless, the rudeness triggered my wife. Enough to a point where she wanted to leave and pick up my son later. We both had that sense of being belittled. Either race or perception of class/wealth, it still felt the same - disrespected.

 

[arturo303]

@metsuko You and your son and your wife sound like just the type of people that we love to hang out with. I would make you all feel welcome in my house every time.

It’s hard to tell if it’s racist behavior or not. I’m white, and have sat at tables with other white parents who refused to speak to me just because they didn’t know me. Later in life, though, we adopted a son who isn’t white, and that sure opened my eyes to some of the weird micro aggressions that people can experience. I can’t even pretend to know what people of color deal with on a daily basis.

Keep being friendly, cool and humble, and you and your son will find your people (I.e., the good people). Oh, yeah, and you can tell that rude host to kiss my ass. Or yours.

 

[augjdog]

@metsuko One thing I’ve learned in life is that most folks will like you if you are engaging, kind, and interesting and probably won’t like you if you’re not.

Sure, you’ll have to make more of an effort to crack into a group that has already been formed and you may not be the favorite person of everyone, but eventually it will settle in if you are likeable.

Don’t focus on what you have that other people don’t. Don’t assume people are jealous or want what you have because honestly, most people don’t care. Many people may have more money in their bank account than you think (wealthy people hide it). It’s not about wealth or race unless you make it about that. Be kind, positive, and engaging. Give more than you get. Why worry about the rest.

 

[metsuko]

@augjdog I don't worry about other people think of us. In terms of money/status, you are right. I am in SF Bay Area and there are a lot of dotcom millionaires that look like total bums. Your next door neighbor could have scored that large IPO.So most people don't care. And I hope it stays that way. Nobody's business.

However, racism is real.Micro aggression is when you go inside an elevator and a woman moves back against the wall in a flight or fight fear posture; visibly tightly clenching their purse in your presence. For an 80 year old grandma not in my generation, I can totally understand and ignore that ignorance. But a 30-40 year old woman? This, I've witness a few times in my life. Or worse, when you meet someone who shakes everyone's hand. And after shaking yours, they pull out the hand sanitizer and give a facial sigh of discontent. These are things I don't forget.

We do our best just to keep the conversation to the topic at hand - kids and the game. Heck, I avoid discussing anything related to politics, covid, recession, etc.

 

[chinyereukoha]

@metsuko Sports families suck. I'd venture to say you could be lily white and unless instantly click with that clique you will always be an outsider to them. I hate to say "suck it up" but for the sake of your kid, show face, stay a respectful amount of time, then make your excuses and take your leave. He can stay and enjoy the parties if he feel comfortable but frankly don't most HS students not want their parents hanging around with them? That's the whole problem with the sports families in the first place. They're some weird big commune family.

 

[metsuko]

@chinyereukoha I 'm still new at this whole thing. Why my kid wants me to hang out with him baffles me. I guess it is because when the group decides to congregate at the local Pizza Hut, I need to drive him there.

But I agree with you, that is the approach we've been taking.

 

[7essie]

@metsuko I can’t speak to the racism suspicions but I can say that I’ve experienced this. A lot. The cliques with school and sports parents would rival those in any middle or high school. Sports has the added misery of politics with playing time, parent coaches and money/fundraising. I wish I had an answer or some advice for you but wanted to chime in with some validation that you aren’t alone, that this is a real thing, and that it will end (eventually).