She's drain my desire to care

[horses4jesus]

Background: my daughters lived with their Dad for 5 years (age 10-15). I knew living with him was going to end very bad. But the court decided in his favor and off they went. About 2 years into it my daughter, we'll call her Lilly, stopped talking to me. She believed I was the reason her Dad disappeared from her life when she was young. She believed I was the worst mother and she couldnt bare to be around me (she told me this). I didnt speak to her from age 12 to 15. Her father would call me and tell me she left the house w/o permission. She was skipping school, she was hanging out with boys. But the kid wasnt talking to me, the only thing I could do was advise him. I advised him to put her into therapy. Well, my other daughter who was talking to me told me they were not treated well. They were called names and, the one acting out was being touched inappropriately - she finally spoke to me to tell me.

That prompted me to do everything I could to put them in a safe place. Called CPS, went to the cops and filed for custody.

It's been almost 3 years since then. I put her into therapy. Tried to guide her and be encouraging. But every attempt I've made has some consequence that ends up with me being the bad guy.

She has this on again, off again boyfriend of 4 years who I think is too old for her. He manipulates her and makes her cry at least once a week. I've tried literally everything except a restraining order to keep them apart. But, with social media its impossible. He is a part of the past I want her to move on from, but she isnt seeing it that way. He was there when the pain was at its worse and she doesnt get that he triggers her trauma. She says I just dont like him and it's not him. It very much IS him.

She always says, I just want you to be my Mom. To me, that means she wants me to be her friend. I'm in no position to be friends with my kid. She is immature for her age, refuses to be responsible for anything. Lies and has these outrageous emotional outburst over silly things. When I ask her what's wrong, she lies and tells me something generic. I just want to give up. I stopped asking her what's wrong when I see her clearly upset because I know it's over the man child boyfriend. Or it's because he triggered her trauma.. again. I want nothing to do with it, if she doesn't want to change what she's doing - why should I bear her burden?

Am I wrong, am I looking at this wrong. I'm at the end of my rope here.

When she gets in trouble for her behavior she always brings her sister into it. "I know I'm in trouble for what I did, but Melissa did such and such." And I shut it down, how dare you try to invite company into YOUR misery that you created. I'm just lost and am ready to throw in the towel.

 

[pete2]

@horses4jesus It's painful when someone you love and feel responsible for makes poor choices and refuses your help. And it doesn't help when they treat you poorly on top of it. It is hard to be a parent to someone like that...

You can't change her behavior, but you can set a good example and show her that counselling and therapy are really great ways to learn life skills and become a super strong and stable person who can handle anything. If you go to therapy yourself you will build up the skills that you need to be able to be there for her. You will need to set boundaries with her so that she knows what is and isn't appropriate behavior, and also to protect yourself from being dragged down and becoming miserable yourself and not being able to help her. Therapy and counselling can help you decide where you want to set your boundaries and how to do it with love and compassion. And it can help you cope if she never gets better.

I am doing a dialectic behaviorial group therapy course right now and it has been hugely helpful for me, especially in helping me navigate a very difficult relationship with my much loved adult foster daughter. I am stubborn as hell and she calls me Mom, and I am going to honor that and be there whenever she reaches out. I am learning that I won't always be able to fix her problems for her, espwcially when she is stubbornly making stupid choices and causing her own problems, and that is really really hard to accept, but I can at least be there when she reaches out to and be willing to talk to her and tell her that I love her. I can't change her behavior, but I can show her that she is worthy of love no matter where she ends up in life. And I can hope that one day she will find her own way, or she will let me teach her what I know about recovering from trauma and moving on to have a content and fulfilling life. I mean, my life isn't perfect but the more skills I learn I easier it is to manage and to find ways to enjoy myself.

I am just rambling, mostly, I'm too tired to be a class A redditor, but I did want to reply to your post and tell you that you aren’t alone. My daughter isn't really my daughter but I felt I could relate to your post, and I hope that you found something helpful in my response, advice or solidarity or whatever.

Don't give up on your daughter, but do set boundaries as lovingly and firmly as you can and just do your best to be present in her life, even if you don't always get along well. Tell her you love her even when you're angry with her, and show her that you love her by being there, even if you aren't giving her what she wants or you disapprove of or are disappointed in her choices. The best thing you can do is keep loving her.

Don't chase her, let her shut you out when she needs to, but do be there when she decides to open the door again, no matter how many years have passed. Good luck OP ❤ I have to say it again, therapy and counselling can help you cope with this extremely difficult relationship. You doing therapy could benefit your daughter in ways you wouldn't believe ❤

 

[horses4jesus]

@pete2 Thank you! Reading that touched my soul.

 

[markfred]

@horses4jesus Hugs internet stranger. You’ve got this.

 

[dirknolan]

@pete2 I do a lot of acceptance with mine.

 

[dirknolan]

@horses4jesus Welcome to every day of my life, except I have a son. I feel like jumping off of a cliff most days. BUT.. you must know that time is not frozen. Did everything you can to keep these two apart, but don't stop caring. Time will match in and this will be a distant memory. Stick with it.

 

[horses4jesus]

@dirknolan Stay strong. Even though I know most days we feel weak.

 

[kimberlybledsoe]

@dirknolan This was me and my son (15) for the last two years. I went to parenting therapy because he wouldn’t do therapy with me. I had to accept him, changed my tone, learnt to connect before correcting him and most of all I took ownership and responsibility (without excuses) for past mistakes and hurts. Our house has actually become a happy home. Also got son on medication which he refused while our relationship was under strain. Hope you can find something similar.

 

[walter45]

@horses4jesus I am in a similar situation with my oldest (17m).

As his mother's and my relationship deteriorated and her behavior towards me grew more and more challenging (kind of abusive, definitely disrespectful and entitled) his followed suit.

He says he doesn't love, nor does he respect me. He picks her side of the divorce (I never asked him to pick a side). His mother had an affair and when he was old enough and due to some pressures around the situation as a whole I felt it was time to tell my children the truth about why their mother and I split. I made it as much about me as I could, I used 'I' statements and my other child feels I did it in the kindest way I could and has since indicated it was the right thing to do (perhaps just for him though). My oldest however said he felt like a pawn between his mother and I, which I can kind of understand but it certainly wasn't my intention. I do believe his mother is using him against me though, her actions just are hard to deny. He's being used as a tool to hurt me.

She doesn't like how the divorce played out, she wanted more and more and more and she's unhappy with how she negotiated it. I can't help that though. She doesn't like to follow our court order but it isn't worth it to fight it. He's been in therapy for a most of his life but at this point just knows how to manipulate things. Mom doesn't give him any real boundaries, she never says 'no' to him so when I do he takes it as a personal affront and just runs to her place.

The last time he was here we got into an argument and he called the cops on me for raising my voice to him. They thought it was actually ridiculous and told him it was inappropriate for him to do that. He wasn't in any danger and he wasn't being abused.

that's when shit went real south though, mom ended up coming and taking him to her place against my wishes.

I think he needs a higher degree of mental health care but she protects him and at this point he's almost 18 so there isn't anything I can do. We haven't spoken in almost 2 months and he's basically said he wants nothing to do with me.

He is abusive to me, he can't come back here until he gets help with his anger and agrees to stop the abusive behavior. I'm done with tolerating it honestly. If he were to come back and start spending the time he is supposed to spend here - ANY - incident of violence from him - punching a wall or ANYTHING will result in my calling the cops on him.

He's accused me of abuse, publicly (but retracted it quickly). I cannot risk him damaging my career. I'm here if he wants to repair things but at this point - it's up to him.

 

[horses4jesus]

@walter45 Oh, I can RELATE on so many levels. 1) It is as if lying to their therapist is just practice for the real world, they practice on them and try to use it on us. My daughter thinks she is a master manipulator, but it doesnt work on me because I had one for a mother and I know the red flags.

She has accused me of being abusive, but I never was. Spankings? Yes. Frankly IMO, and this is only my opnion, some kids only learn with they are popped. This girl hasnt had any real consequences in 7 years. At 17 what am I suppose to do? Take her phone? Keep her in the house? I mean, frankly most days I want her to go outside but she only hangs out with that 1 guy...

They think they're so smart and experienced but act like children. Worse, they act like children who want to be treated like an adult. I feel you, I just want to let it be what it is and let her come to reality on her own. But she lives in my house and I cannot send her to another one.

Parenting is hard, brother.

 

[walter45]

@horses4jesus It totally sucks but you're right. What are we supposed to do?

Now I'm just waiting for his mother to actually try to do the paperwork to change it to full custody for her. I won't fight it a lot but I will fight it some - the amount of child support I would have to pay is ridiculous honestly and I'd have to pay it until he's almost 19 since he started school late.

I'm sure this is something that she is going to angle for but when she does I'll bring up the fact that I'm perfectly willing to have him her so long as he agrees to my house rules and she doesn't undermine my parenting.

He's failing EVERYTHING. His relationships are in the toilet. He's a junior at the moment and if he doesn't pass his classes this semester he won't be able to stay in the regular high school and graduate. He'll have to go to the continuation for accelerated courses but he's done that before and failed that too.

 

[horses4jesus]

@walter45 I get all of that! When their father had custody I was paying him child support and it really put a damper on everything. He even stopped working once I started paying. And that did the kids no favor.

Idk what state you're in but they can age out of child support. Age 18 or graduated high school. No way a 19 year old should still be receiving child support.

Man, sounds like he has a lot of growing pains when real life hits. Our only hope is that when real life does hit, they'll start to understand the hard lessons we were trying to teach them.

 

[walter45]

@horses4jesus California, Child support can go as long as 19 if they are attending high school full time.

19 would be unusual though, he'll be 18.5 if he were to graduate on time though.

 

[flocculus7]

@horses4jesus She may have low self esteem and therapy would help. She stays in the relationship that hurts her because she doesn’t know how to deal with her low self worth and unresolved trauma, perhaps. If she felt better about herself she would kick the boy to the curb. Maybe she feels like her life isn’t stable enough or doesn’t have enough stable healthy relationships to fall back on if the relationship ends.

 

[horses4jesus]

@flocculus7 She was in therapy. She wasnt completely honest about everything there. She has to build healthy relationships, they dont fall into your lap.