Severe anxiety about upcoming bachelorette trip for my best friend and leaving baby

[miyuki256]

My baby will be 10 months by the time this trip takes place August 29th. We ebf and cosleep. He will take a bottle but I stay at home with him and we are together pretty much 24/7 besides the very occasional 2-4 hour outing. He has grown almost as attached to dad in the last couple of months but at night he just wants me.

This trip will be 7 hours away from home and it would mean 3 nights away. My compromise is for my husband and baby to stay at an air bnb right down the road so I can go do night feedings and pop in once in a while throughout the day.
My friend feels this is ridiculous and is telling me I am showing signs of postpartum anxiety/depression. I feel in my heart that I am coming from a rational place of a mother that breastfeeds and has a close bond with her less than a year old baby.

None of my friends breastfed and I feel they just don’t understand that it is different. I don’t make them feel bad for their parenting styles and I don’t think there is anything wrong with either choices but this is my way. I’m just having so much anxiety about this trip and I also can hardly afford it so that’s another separate issue. I want to be there for my friend but I wish I could just not go and have her be understanding. I know that wouldn’t be the case though as she is already making a big fuss about my compromise.
I’m just looking for some advice or just some words of comfort/understanding. Thank you for reading.

Update: I wish I could individually respond to all of you as I am so very grateful for all of your responses. I’m taking all of your feedback- the experienced advice and or words of solidarity. I haven’t posted much on Reddit and wish I had for other circumstances as this has been so helpful and comforting.

I texted my friend and let her know that I will only be going on this trip if I can prioritize my baby without judgement. I told her that the only reason I’m even considering going at all is because of how much she means to me and that I want so badly to be able to celebrate her and that I hope she can understand. She called me and apologized. She does have a 3 yo son and her circumstances were much different from ours so she explained that she had to stop and put things into perspective to see where I’m coming from. She is also dealing with a lot so I understand her momentary lack of judgment/understanding and appreciate her apology. I’m going to go and will be staying at the air bnb with my family and popping in and out of the bachelorette festivities as @cristinasorina suggested.

Thank you all so much again!! You’ve given me the confidence I’ve needed to face this head on and I feel so much better.

 

[jakoblaj]

@miyuki256 As a mom of a 14 month old that breastfeeds and cosleeps, there is no way in hell I would have left her for 3 nights at 10 months old. Even if you were somehow okay with it, the amount of work it’d be for you to pump while you’re away to maintain your milk supply would suck. Did your friend even consider that?

You wanting your baby and husband to stay nearby at an air bnb is a completely reasonable compromise and does not mean you have PPA or PPD. I still have not spent more than 3 hours away from my daughter and don’t intend to for a long time.

I’m sorry your friend is putting these unfair expectations on you. Just because she was okay leaving her baby for multiple nights and being 7 hours away at that age doesn’t mean that everyone has to be okay with it. My best friend would never suggest I leave my daughter for several nights, she’d tell me to bring her with me.

 

[cameronb67]

@miyuki256 It’s none of your friend’s business what you do, I would be so livid if I was you. Actually, if I was you I wouldn’t go. Three days for a bachelorette trip - nah. Things change when people have kids, it’s unfortunate that your friend doesn’t understand that.

 

[cameronb67]

I want to add one thing: “I don’t want to” is good enough justification if you are in situations where people are saying you need to detach from your baby in some way. You don’t need articles, research, it doesn’t matter if “baby will be fine” - “don’t feel like it/doesn’t feel right to me” is perfectly fine. You don’t owe anyone some performance of how they think the perfect parent should behave.

I’m not saying that in this situation, you don’t want to be apart from baby, it kind of sounds like you don’t, but maybe you are fine with it, and that’s your decision. I just wanted to put that out there for you and any other new mom reading this. You don’t owe anyone any kind of relationship with your own child. Your life, your kid, your connection.

 

[crismate88]

@cameronb67

You don’t owe anyone any kind of relationship with your own child.

Well said, and this goes especially for friends who are actively being shitty to you (like your friend is, especially with her comments about PPD).

 

[unpreached]

@miyuki256 My son is 17 months, not breastfed, and I STILL wouldn’t be comfortable leaving him for 3 nights. We’ve never spent one night apart. Paying for an Airbnb is a big sacrifice/gesture on your part to make the trip happen and your friend is rude AF for calling you ridiculous or implying you are having mental health issues.

 

[wago1234]

@unpreached Came here to say exactly this!! Just had to go through this recently and am missing a bachelorette weekend that requires a 2 hour flight away for my best friend that would take me away from my TWO year old daughter for three nights. No chance in hell would I leave her.

 

[anotherbrother1961]

@miyuki256 Your friend is an asshole.

 

[christian_violet]

@miyuki256 I wouldn't have been able to leave my daughter for that long when she was that little. I just spent 2 nights away for the first time in her life and she's almost 3. Before that I did 24 hrs on a couple different occasions.

Your feelings are valid. I don't have any real advice except to say you're not alone. Also, I did breastfeed but I think I would have felt the same way regardless of how my baby was fed.

 

[vinhhali]

@miyuki256 Your friend has no right to diagnose you or tell you how to mother.

I wouldn’t have done this at 10 months, personally. Your baby will be fine and will figure out a new way to sleep with dad, but I suspect it’ll be hard for all of you. I personally don’t want to leave a baby for multiple overnights before age 2 if I can avoid it, but again, that’s just my boundary and plenty of people have fun trips to Europe when their baby is 5 months old. As someone who EBF and bed shared out of necessity it wouldn’t work for my baby’s temperament and attachment at that age.

It is perfectly ok to back out. But based on your friend’s response, it may jeopardize the friendship. You get to decide who you want in your life. A bachelorette party is not as important as your mental health and relationship with your baby.

ETA: I once judged a maid of honor for not attending the bride’s Bach trip when her EBF baby was 7 months old. I was CLUELESS and now I judge myself for judging her when I was just ignorant. We live and we learn. I declined girls trips invites during my babies first year and still do at 18 months. You are not alone and this is normal!

 

[cubicist]

@miyuki256 Them staying at the nearby Airbnb is honestly, in my opinion, the only option in this situation! I just went through a similar situation, bachelorette and baby was 10 months. There was no chance I was sleeping away from my baby, since he still wakes often and can’t be settled by anyone but me at night. I almost canceled last minute because he had been particularly clingy and I didn’t want to leave him for any extended period, but I ultimately ended up going. I did the daytime and evening activities and was home by 10pm. I was away from him for 7 hours (longest we’ve ever been apart). He was still awake when I got home waiting for me. Would have broken my heart if he was expecting me and I never came home

 

[besty01]

@miyuki256 All I hear from your friend is “me me me me” just bc it’s her bachelorette doesn’t mean it gives her a free ticket to dismiss people’s feelings and be a pushy self centered asshole. If I we’re in her position I would feel disappointed if you didn’t go but I always feel icky forcing people to spend time with me if they can’t / don’t want to.

 

[microm]

@miyuki256 She’s the asshole, not you! You are completely reasonable. I’m a mental health professional and to accuse you of having PPA/PPD on the basis of not wanting to be away from your cosleeping, EBF baby at 10 months for three days, is completely ridiculous. And even if you do, how is feeling pressured to be away from your dependent for days at a time going to help? Absolutely not. I would personally not consider going mainly given the reaction and disrespect from your friends. but an Airbnb is a really amazing compromise on your part.

 

[corsican]

@miyuki256 Hahahaha insane. This gives me contact anxiety. I got annoyed at my friend for wanting me to ditch my 12 mo baby to go to an evening concert an hour away. Hell no to this trip. If you don’t want to go, don’t.

 

[bonbon21]

@miyuki256 I did the exact same for two bachelorettes. Was MOH for both. One bride was sour about it, the other was fine. EBF and co sleeping and she wouldn’t take a bottle or ever settle for her dad except in car rides for naps. She was 17m and then 2yo. I snuck away a few times during the trip when she was younger and went home early to bed. Honestly the bachelorette was so drunk I don’t think they remember me leaving. And they were rough in the morning so didn’t care I wasn’t there for wake up. I wasn’t hungover so I hopped to and made the group breakfast and coffee. The second time when LO was 2 I let her stay up super late with husband (11pm!!) but they had a blast and were staying with his cousin. She eventually fell asleep on the couch while they were sitting up chatting. It all worked out. The brides will get over it. So will everyone else who doesn’t get your choices. People who don’t get it or have never been in our shoes just don’t get it, and I don’t have the energy to help them understand. Hope this helps! Good luck!

 

[christ4life4ever]

@miyuki256 I feel for you! At 10mo there is no way I’d leave for three nights, I personally would not go and let her be mad. Friends come and go, I’m not stressing my child out for this pleasure.

 

[67_67]

@miyuki256 I wouldn’t go. Time to find friends with kids that understand and similar values. And screw your friend for saying you have PPA, does she even have kids?

 

[katrina2017]

@miyuki256 I have a 2.5 year old who still breastfeeds to sleep and through the night. I have never done an overnight without him, and won’t consider it until I get him nightweaned at least. I didn’t do an overnight until my first child was over 3. I am not an overly anxious parent, but being there to support my kids sleep has always been a priority to me, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable not being there until I’ve helped him establish a new routine.

It’s fine that your other friends have different parenting styles, and are comfortable with a few days away, but that is the routine they’ve already become comfortable with, whereas you haven’t. I think getting an Airbnb for your husband and baby is such a great compromise, and it’s really unfair for your friend to be judging that choice.

 

[billyblueeyes]

@miyuki256 No. Your friend sucks. The fact she’s making you feel like that even though you are going and spending extra money, she sounds like a not great friend. Your baby is TEN MONTHS OLD. Mine is 16 months and I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing this. I wouldn’t go. Make an excuse if you need to, but your baby is more important!

 

[jtmsavestheday]

@miyuki256 This is why I just say no to extended social obligations.

Your friend is not as important as your baby and she will probably not understand that even if you tell her.

Airbnb down the road is already a huge enablement for you to participate in this event for her benefit (thanks to your husband also giving up his weekend for the event!); you deserve so much more respect and support than this bs.