Setting up Christmas tree ruined teenager’s day

[veronicajohn]

I have had it. Daughter (15) bad attitude and self importance has ruined the day. How dare we ask for an hour of her time to decorate the tree like we do every year. So she grumpily decorated the tree then proceeded to tell us we waisted her time. So I said if you can’t participate in the pre Christmas stuff then maybe she doesn’t need to participate in Christmas morning. Then of course she backpeddled a little bit. I am so sick of her attitude and how she hates to do anything with us. Yet the second she needs something she’s all nice. I’m over it. Sigh.

 

[cl870228]

@veronicajohn At 15 if you as a parent are going to die in that ditch then you’ve got a lot of pain coming. Think of parenting teenagers as a process of healthy loving separation and you might all be better for it. Teenagers are hard wired to separate and oppose biologically at this age; the trick is to be there for them so they come back to you later.

I’ve been through this whole process now and I regret not being future focused in my thinking but still thinking they are children. They are both child and adult; you would never force an adult to decorate a tree so why her? Sure invite her and make her feel welcome but you can’t force it. In other areas you have to be firm and parent for the 25 year child to help them understand the choices and consequences. Blanket bans and outright vetos and heavy handed sanctions never ever work. Unless your goal is to lose them. Just reflect on how you felt at their age…. Good luck from someone who has been there and out the other side.

 

[jaharrttttt]

@cl870228 This is such great advice

 

[glors70]

@cl870228 As the father of a three year old and one year old, this is sage advice for them when the time comes. Thank you.

 

[breebee]

@cl870228 My son is 16 going on 17 (December birthday) and man... we've been in that space for a while now. Hormones, adhd, trying to fit in, reluctant to do homework... it's an experience. I've had my "fed-up" frustrated days as well. My son pushes so hard that I wish he could join the military now vs. later (he wants to join the Air Force after college).

Then, what seems out of nowhere, he wants hugs, to lean on me and rest his head, to have me just breathe and take refuge from the world that is big, unkind, scary to navigate, and tells me he loves me. It's hard, AF. I'm not going to lie. it is a roller coaster that I'm done riding, it's exhausting!! I will say that my son is empathetic, enjoys car shows (he tells me facts about Lambos, Vipers, Challengers (Hellcat usually), builds all kinds of structures using Legos, and engages in thoughtful conversations with me.

I remember thinking that if I could make it through his first year of life, it'd get better. It did. Yes, I thought it would be so much easier parenting an older kid. On some levels, yes (covid. I'm grateful my kids can work an oven, help order groceries, and entertain themselves), but the days are getting away from me. It's feels like I'm wide awake, and now I'm hoping that when my kid goes into the world he'll be able to keep himself alive, make good decisions, do well in college, and build his own life. I'll always be here. Yes, parenting is difficult, growing is difficult, finding your way is difficult, being pushed on the daily is difficult.

I see and hear you. I could write a novel on how parenting is the most difficult now in a world of "instant access and gratification."" I do remind my 16 year old that we're growing together. I tell him that grace goes both ways, and his dad and I are doing our best. Give yourself grace. Take a step back. You're frustrated and possibly feeling out of control. It'll be ok. You love your kid... this is a test, in my opinion, for your kid to see how long you'll stay. My son pushes me, and no matter what... I'm still here.

Weirdly enough, my kids are among the few kids that have parents married...to each other... for 20 years. They've memorized their friends "schedules."

Team work makes the dream work.

 

[genii]

@cl870228 Wrong I would force an adult to participate in a family tradition, if my husband came to me and was like I don’t want to do this, too bad family group activities are important and something we will miss when it’s not possible to do them anymore

 

[godfollowerchristlover]

@genii That would have made every Christmas acrimonious in my household. My husband hates decorating the tree. So our tradition is he helps set it up and put lights on, then he disappears to his room while my son and I play Christmas music and decorate the tree. My son is now 16 and still loves doing it with just me. So much better than forcing my husband do something that he doesn't want to do. His parents also don't put up a tree (at least since I've known them them past 20 years), it's just not a big deal for them.

 

[derek1995]

@genii Wow. That's not a normal way to interact with people. It's controlling.

 

[genii]

@derek1995 It’s controlling to expect my family to make family time a priority, I mean sure okay then

 

[npfionna]

@genii It’s not untrue that you cannot “force” an adult to do anything. Your husband is an adult. He can make his own choices. I think I would need to have a private conversation with him about being a positive influence for the kids. If he doesn’t do it, why would they? Family time is important. The parents make it a priority, so the kids see that and usually follow suit. I’ve found that “making” my kids do the family activity or outing (instead of online gaming or whatever their other priorities they think they need to have) they may start out being a pill but it usually works out later. I try to make the activities fun and enjoyable. If they’re acting up during or after the activity, there will be a conversation about it. If any flack or attitude is hurled at me after that, there’s a consequence. Everyone has different priorities when it comes to parenting. Some are strict about school, some are not. It’s about knowing your child and learning how to integrate their “wants” with their obligations towards family interactions.

 

[genii]

@npfionna This was probably a better way to put what I was trying to say.

 

[derek1995]

@genii Yes. It is controlling to expect to be able to force your priorities onto other people.

 

[cl870228]

@genii you sound fun to live with

 

[genii]

@cl870228 Thanks I am, my husband agrees as well, and maybe as a society we should stop raising kids to expect to be able to whatever they want all of the time and make them realize that sometimes you have to do things for other people.

 

[npfionna]

@cl870228 “you would never force an adult to decorate a tree, so why her?”

But she’s not an adult, she’s 15 years old. She’s not acting mature, so why treat her as an adult?

 

[laurapalooza]

@npfionna She's 15, which is a young adult with her own mind, desires, wishes and dreams. Treat your teen like a preteen and in 10 years you're going to have an adult child who resents you.

 

[npfionna]

@laurapalooza All children have their own mind, desires, wishes and dreams. She is still living with her parents and needs guidance. While this wouldn’t be my particular “hill to die on,” it may be necessary in this case. If OP’s daughter is in a constant state of disrespecting family time or avoiding responsibility, I feel like OP did the right thing. It’s not this particular behavior that’s overly concerning but I’d be upset if my kid told me I had “wasted her time” spending time with the family. As an adult, this kid will face many times when there are things she must do, in spite of not wanting to. Better to learn that lesson now. JMTC

 

[laurapalooza]

@npfionna A teenager does not need guidance in decorating a Christmas tree. All OP is creating is acrimony and resentment surrounding Christmas traditions.

As an adult, this kid will face many times when there are things she must do, in spite of not wanting to.

And none of those adult things she must do in the future involve spending time with family or performing her childhood family traditions. As an adult, OP's child will only do those things if they don't engender negative memories from her own childhood. OP is creating negative memories for her child that can have lasting power.

 

[npfionna]

@laurapalooza She needs guidance on how to respect family time and traditions. Agree to disagree. Not every little thing that a child or teen rebuffs will create negative memories with lasting power. If it was me, I’d tell her you’re expected to participate. Let her choose what that looks like. It could be taking the ornaments out of boxes, making hot chocolate, handling the music. Whatever she likes. Giving her the out isn’t the answer here in my opinion.

 

[shadow7580]

@npfionna

Giving her the out isn’t the answer here in my opinion.

Everyone is so scared of their kid growing up to hate them over every small thing, while meanwhile no one ever seems concerned that they're raising a kid that has been taught that their wants, desires, and whims should be fulfilled without question. IMHO one of these is more likely and far worse than the other. And it isn't the one everyone is worried about.