Safe Sleep 7 says formula fed babies shouldn’t co-sleep/bed-share. Do you?

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chenml60

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EDIT: For those “who would never” please don’t just comment that I shouldn’t bed-share without offering an alternative solution to my problem. Please really read my experience and help me. Don’t you think if I could do anything else that I would? Bed sharing was my last resort and I feel awful about needing to do it. Either give me a realistic safer solution or move along and keep your judgement to yourself.

EDIT 2: Thank you all so much for the empathy, moral support, and ideas! This weekend we are going to build his crib, which has a toddler bed rail, and put that against the bed. Hopefully it will offer him the closeness he needs to stay asleep while the other sides of the crib will prevent me from rolling into his space. I don’t move much in my sleep but better safe than sorry.

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I posted something similar in another sub but I wanted opinions from other formula feeding parents. I’ll try to make a long story short.

At 6 weeks my LO developed very sudden and extremely severe acid reflux. For 2 weeks, he was arching, gagging, sputtering, wheezing, crying, etc. We had to hold him upright 24/7, so as you can imagine, I wasn’t sleeping basically at all. No more than a few hours a day when my husband could help take over. Changing from Enfamil GE to Kendamil then to Bubs did nothing. Pepcid helped but only a little and we still couldn’t put him down for more than a few minutes. We eventually switched to hypoallergenic formula and figured out that he has a milk protein allergy.

So now he’s a happy and reflux free little guy! BUT he got used to contact sleeping. He used to sleep in his bassinet like a champ, up to 2.5 hour sessions, and now won’t be in it more than 20-40 minutes. So I’m still not sleeping!

When I sought out advice, most moms I know told me just to bed share. I was shocked to hear so many moms in my circle who have done it. The granola natural mamas but also the science pharma medicine mamas. I know it’s a huge safety risk, but so is accidentally falling asleep with him in my arms or a sling on the couch or in the rocking chair, which was already happening. I had to choose between two unsafe options: co-sleep on accident or on purpose. I made a choice. I’m actually sleeping more than a few hours now! Baby and I are much more well rested and happy.

HOWEVER, all my research to make it as safe as possible ends with the same result: Safe Sleep 7. And according to that, formula fed babies don’t qualify for this practice. So… I have to suffer severe sleep deprivation and we have to fall asleep in more unsafe conditions because I don’t breast feed? I don’t get it.

What’s your experience?

Additional questions:
- What does your baby wear? Pajamas with or without sleep sack?
- What do you wear? I’m wearing 3 layers head to toe and I’m still cold without blankets. Room is 70 degrees F.
- Is your baby’s head at your breast? I feel like at my shoulder is much safer.
 
@chenml60 I read the safe sleep 7 article on the Le Leche League website and it was filled with bad information. The basics are important (no smokers in house, no alcohol or drug use, no blankets or soft bedding etc) and make sense but to say that if you breast feed and follow the safe sleep 7 that you negate all risks for SIDS is just false. They also draw the conclusion that formula feeding increases risk of SIDS but that’s not true either. Do what you have to do to get rest and follow the safety guidelines but also keep working towards getting baby into their own sleep space!
 
@more88 LeLeche League is a very militant obsessed breastfeeding advocate. Of course they want formula feeding to be "bad". As for you, you need to transition that baby into his own bed in his own room. You need sleep to stay healthy. If you get rundown, you'll be at risk for every cold and virus going around. Good luck ❤️
 
@chenml60 Your baby's sleep is totally normal. Crap naps and bad sleep are completely normal for at least the first six months. Waking often in a bassinet/crib is a feature, not a bug, as deeply sleeping babies can die. It is irrelevant to formula-fed or not. Please, give this website a read to shift your expectations of what kind of sleep your baby is capable of. It will help normalize his behavior for you. It helped me a lot. Look into wake windows and download the Wonder Weeks app to keep track of growth spurts and developmental leaps. 6-8 weeks is a HUGE leap and all developmental leaps affect sleep. These aren't problems to be solved, they simply are obstacles to jump.

Contact sleeping is SUPER normal for babies, so it's very natural for lots of babies to crave it. You didn't "spoil" him or "get him used to it." That's just what they want! We have to force independent sleep because we are not set up in America to safely co-sleep without some major compromise and risk.

You have been given some great, actually safe options for sleep and I'm glad to hear it. I am not against co-sleeping as a rule, but American beds, society, and culture do not support it. I equate it to third party voting. Sure, you can do it, but it's not how the system is set up and it's doomed to fail. Until we have fully paid parental leave for both parents for up to 6-18 months, we are not a society built to share beds with babies. We're just too fucking tired. Our beds are too soft. We prioritize adult sleep because we don't get enough help during the day to make up for night sleep. We don't have full family villages. These are the things we'd need to culturally co sleep like many other nations and cultures do.

Too many accidents happen. Every influencer co-sleeping with their baby has survivor bias. It only takes 1 or 2 clicks to find the many, many mothers who regret it. I think a side crib, one he cannot roll into your bed from, is a great compromise between an independent bassinet and a bed share. It's a gateway to independent sleep.

Don't give up on placing him down for naps and sleep! He isn't old enough to self-soothe yet, so he'll always need your help, but consistency is the name of the game. Even if it doesn't work, you keep trying.

Find your best soothing technique, get into a good bedtime routine, and have low expectations. Split night shifts with your partner if need be. I promise it gets better and you will have better sleep on the horizon. Don't make short term decisions that could have long term consequences.

FWIW, we have an EFF baby and she slept independently for night and contact napped during the day. It's all a roll of the dice in terms of what kind of sleeper you have.
 
@chenml60 the “safe sleep 7” states mothers who have never breastfed (any baby) should not cosleep as mothers who have previously breastfed are more aware of proper side lying positions and babies who have previously breastfed at any point will still remember the smell and gravitate towards mom. that said that’s the fine print. if you go into the safe sleep 7 studies, it’s actually more like the safe sleep 100. i coslept with my first from about 6 months - 13 months. she fell off the bed. we got a bumper. she got trapped. she’s 2 now but after those experiences, i won’t do it with my son. i’ve heard of too many dead babies and people who tell you they’ve done it have survivors bias. i’ve done it too, and i won’t do it again. my best advice to you is ditch the bassinet and put him in his crib. if you can bring the crib in your room, even better. start with naps. even if it’s 30 minutes it will get him used to sleeping in there and eventually it will become his safe space. there’s also a 4 month sleep regression that can come early or late, so that might be what he’s experiencing. i’m not passing any judgement, and i know sleep deprivation can be an absolute bitch but if your goal is to get him sleeping separately, you’ll be able to achieve it
 
@chenml60 good luck! it has helped us immensely. i also found that getting a mattress cover (i have the newton cover) and comfortable sheets (also newton bc they were on sale) really helped. also finding which sleep sack he likes is important! my son insists on having his feet out so i got him a walker sack
 
@chenml60 I don't co-sleep as my husband and I do shifts instead - I saw in another post that you can't do that which must be so hard. My LO had bad reflux at around the same time and it was brutal - luckily it settled down within a few weeks, but it was rough trying to get her to sleep in her bassinet again. We discovered that although she hates traditional arms down swaddles, she loves the Love To Dream arms up ones - it was a genuine game changer. We rock her to sleep, swaddle her (she wakes up), rock her again, then put in bassinet. At first she would wake up after a few minutes- we'd wait til she cried, then pick up, rock to sleep, put down again. Rinse and repeat until she eventually slept in there properly. It took a few looong nights but it did work. We adapted the method used here.

If you did want to look into how to co-sleep safely, in the UK we have official guidance from The Lullaby Trust on how to do it safely since it's so common. It never says anything about not co-sleeping if you EFF! Lots of information on here about how to set it up safely:

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

Hope some of this helps - it's brutal and I found 8 weeks particularly tricky. Once she hit 12 weeks it really did seem to get easier, hang in there.
 
@cursedbeast Thank you for the info and link! We have had him in love to dream swaddles since he was born and I think that’s what got him so good at sleeping those first 5 weeks. My husband helps when he can but with his medical condition, it would be impossible for him to help me at night without potentially causing him harm. We knew it would be extra difficult for me, but damn!! Reality is way worse than the expectation.
 
@chenml60 I'm against bedsharing in general because the safe sleep 7 doesn't appear to be safer than a crib. That said, it's up to the individual and I think the idea that a breastfeeding parent is able to adjust better to a baby in the bed than a parent not feeding in their sleep is silly. There are plenty of well-adjusted non breast feeders and plenty of poorly adjusted breast feeders
 
@chenml60 After weeks of sleep deprivation with no help, we decided to co-sleep. We've been doing it since baby was 2 months. She is almost 5 months now.

- Baby wears her footie pajamas so no blanket

- Baby sleeps on the outer side. Basically it goes husband, me, then baby (we have a King bed). My husband is a heavy sleeper and I know for sure he'd be at huge risk of rolling on her or something going wrong in general.

- In addition to the above, because baby sleeps on the outer side, I have a toddler rail that spans almost the entire length of the bed. It is made of the same mesh they use for the side of bassinets so if she ever did roll into it, she could still breathe fine. She has never rolled in it though and she is a still sleeper. Basically sleeps in the same position on her back all night.

- I use the C shape position, except baby is closer to my armpit than my breast. I exclusively formula feed anyway. I use a pillow but it's really high so only the top of my head has support. Baby can't even get to the pillow either way because my arm is in the way.

With everything being said, I am a light sleeper. She makes a noise, barely moves at all and I'm awake. I don't know how I get any meaningful sleep with how light I sleep, but I do somehow and have been feeling much better during the day because of it.

If my baby would sleep in her crib I would be ecstatic, but this is where we're at and we're just out here surviving.
 
@chenml60 I don’t see how bed sharing whilst formula feeding would be a problem...the only difference is we don’t bed share to easily whip out a boob and pop it in the baby’s mouth lol we bed share for other very justifiable reasons like what you’ve mentioned above.

We do a pyjama and a thin sleep sack (shark fin one from Amazon). I know I don’t move an muscle whilst next to my baby so I actually keep a comforter over my side of the bed. I’m chronically cold without it and it’s never come near the baby. I set him about a foot away from me on the bed but as he’s gotten older he wiggles up next to me which I find adorable but I often just drag him back to his starting position and he doesn’t seem to mind.
 
@wethepeople The logic breastfeeding advocates use is that breastfed babies don’t sleep as deeply, because they get hungry more quickly, thus they’re at less risk of SIDS. I guess the logic is they’ll either wake up more on their own and adjust, or wake you up and you’ll adjust them. That might hold up for actual SIDS but I don’t think it can apply when co-sleeping, given it only takes a few minutes to smother a baby with a blanket… whether the baby was sleeping lightly or deeply won’t stop them suffocating. I think the issue is online dialogue on SIDS and SUDIs is often mixed in with dialogue on accidental smothering. SIDS is supposed to be death where cause of death is not immediately identifiable. But if a baby is found dead lodged between a sleeping parent and a couch cushion or under a duvet next to a cosleeping parent, that isn’t really SIDS.
 
@wethepeople Cute lol. When he was in his bassinet he would wiggle until he cried from getting smushed against the side. Now that he sleeps against me, he doesn’t wiggle anymore. I think he was definitely trying to find me before.
 
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