Regretting decisions made re: pregnancy

[greengrace]

TW: abortion, mental illness, covid

I have a 4yo daughter. My husband had always wanted more, and so did I, ideally 2-3 years apart. I had a difficult birth and PPD/PPA very bad that went untreated due to my inept healthcare providers. It took about two years to feel normal after her birth, and we decided we were ready to try again. This was Jan 2020. Covid hit our area in February. We decided to hold off because we had no idea what was going to happen.

Between February and June 2020, I had to switch my anvxiety meds back, and add more, because my anxiety and depression went through the roof. I was hardly functioning. I had panic attacks after going to the store. I went months at a time not seeing anyone but my husband and child. We all somehow got Covid, and I have long symptoms. I was furloughed (eventually had to drop my position) and my husband was placed on leave, while they discussed (for literally like 18 months, back and forth) whether to completely eliminate his department. I also injured my hip, which took months to diagnose because the hip/abdominal/leg pain was being masked with chest tightness and fatigue from long-C. I was on anxiety/depression meds, pain meds, muscle relaxers, steroids.

Somehow, despite using protection and hardly having sex at all because of stress and the injury, I became pregnant. I wasn't even sure how far along because I had periods. I told my husband, he was so excited, and I burst into tears. I wasn't mentally stable enough to be pregnant, they literally just diagnosed my hip injury (which was either surgical or requires years of physical therapy with only middling success either way) I'd had 3 CTs, an MRI, and numerous X-rays, I was on at least four meds that are contraindicated for pregnancy, we didn't even know if we'd have jobs at all in a few months. Not to mention I had been drinking (not often, but occasionally) and smoking, to ease some anxiety.

I just could not do it. The fetus may not have survived anyway considering I'd been doing everything you AREN'T supposed to do, aside from IV drugs.

So I had an abortion. I had no regrets at the time. I felt so much relief afterwards.

Fast forward to this year. Things are finally somewhat normal for us. My husband's job is safe. I am working part-time and my daughter's going to pre-K. The age gap between kids would be much bigger than I wanted (5.5 years minimum versus 2-3 years) but not horrible. And my husband tells me he's done. He doesn't want anymore. He feels like our time passed. Fair enough, I am not ready to say I'm done but he is open to continuing the conversation, though he feels OAD.

Then this morning my daughter woke me up by putting her little hand on my cheek and asking, "Mommy, why don't I have a sister like Bluey? I really wanted one. I'm a good girl. Why didn't I get a sister like Bingo?" (In case anyone doesn't know, Bluey is a show about a little dog Bluey who has a sister, Bingo, who is about 2.5 years younger).

I broke down. I feel like I took away our chance at the family we wanted. I feel like my daughter would have been a wonderful playmate and big sister. I feel like it will be much harder going back to baby stages now rather than having it over with in a few years. I never wanted to be pregnant after 35, and I'm getting awfully close. I feel like I let my husband down and now his time has passed and maybe mine too. I know I made a thoughtful, rational decision at the time, but I'm having a VERY hard time with it right now. I've been weepy all day.

Just FYI I am 100% pro-choice, and so is my husband. He wanted the pregnancy but was completely supportive of my decision, no pushback. I've had two miscarriages, one healthy pregnancy, and this abortion.

 

[fatefulslave]

@greengrace As an outsider you 100% made the RIGHT decision. Of course you could say "what if circumstances were different, what if my mental health was better, what if there wasn't a global pandemic, etc" but whatifs are just another form of anxiety eating at your mind. Your mental health comes before everything because in order for you to raise your child or just survive another day you need to be healthy. PPA/PPD is no fucking joke, it robs you of who you were, your joy, the will to live, it's not something to take lightly and it's something so many of us struggle with. It breaks my heart that you're blaming and second guessing yourself when it's so obvious to me that you did the right thing. Yes your daughter doesn't have a Bingo but she has a mom who made a tough decision to put her mental health first and do what's best for herself and her family. Of course your daughter wants a Bingo, but as adults we all know that it's not all rosey like that irl. You did what was best for yourself and your family. (Sorry if this is a long ramble, I'm running after a 2yo)

 

[isabella63]

@greengrace That is so tough. It definitely sounds like you made all the right decisions even though it’s hard to think of the “what ifs.” Maybe if you think of it like…you chose this “hard” path but the other choices you could have made would have had their own “hard” that you would have been dealing with instead. For example: not getting the abortion might have led to a hard conversation with your daughter about why her sibling has developmental issues, or why mommy can’t get out of bed due to depression. That seems like a tougher conversation to me

 

[greengrace]

@isabella63 That is a very helpful perspective. I have been trying to tell myself that I made the best choice for myself at the time, and this definitely helps solidify that (even if I'm still feeling uneasy). Thank you for this.

 

[lostdad1]

@isabella63 Your comment reminded me of one of my favorite Dear Sugar's about the life we don't choose.

 

[joanna2r]

@greengrace My daughters have 6 years between them and it is such a cool age gap. The younger one loves her older sister and lights up whenever big sister gets home from school. Big sister is so pleased to have a little sister and spends lots of time playing baby games. My daughters are now 1 and 7, I don’t know what will happen as they age but for right now it is really great.

And for me it was not as bad to start all over again as I thought it would be. My older daughter was at school, so I got to focus on my newborn during the day. I miss sleep very, very much but at least this time around I know that the time passes really quickly and before I know it I will be sleeping again.

Oh and I was 39 when my youngest daughter was born. I thought it would be too old and too hard, but I feel much better than I did the first time around even though I’m so much older.

You made the right choice for your family and you haven’t taken away your chance at the family you wanted. If you and your husband decide to go for it, you aren’t too old and the age gap isn’t too much.

 

[qbanmom7070]

@greengrace I got pregnant a few years after my first was born. I thought it was what I wanted but I was having a hard time with depression and anxiety-I also had ppd, untreated for a year and a half. I felt like I couldn't do two and we chose to abort. I still think about it sometimes but you can't let yourself wonder. You were in a bad place then, and you made the best decision with the best information you had at the time. You can't change that timeline with worry or regret. I just wanted to offer you sympathy and a hug. If you really want another, it may feel "late" to you but consider it, not because your daughter wants it but because you want it.

 

[katrina2017]

@greengrace You absolutely made the right decision for the time. If you both decide you want a second kid, it's not too late. Just don't have another only because your daughter wants a sibling. She will be absolutely fine without one if that's healthier for you and your husband.

 

[roelien]

@greengrace I don't think that's a bad age gap at all! If you need to convince husband, get your daughter to ask him for a little sister. Lol. I bet he can't say no to her little face.

 

[peggylynn]

@roelien Not good advice. No one should have to be convinced into having another child if they don’t want one.

 

[katrina2017]

@greengrace Omg your daughter asking about a sibling My mom decided to let the possibility of getting pregnant open up when she found out I was praying for a sister every day at recess, instead of playing, in kindergarten. She felt pretty done, but wasn’t 100% sure. I thought I wanted mine in close in age because my sister and I being 7 years apart sucks. It’s really my parent’s fault with how they treated and raised us differently and not the age gap though. My son turns 3 very soon and I recently decided that I’m not ready and don’t think I’ll be ready till he’s closer to 5, so we’re holding off for now.