Recently made friend bathed my child while looking after her (5 yr old)

[sixthchick]

@sforb I agree with you in that I would ask if I were the alloparent but I also wonder where you draw the line. Would you ask a parent if you can read the kid a story? There's all sorts of lines we can cross unintentionally. I try to put good effort into understanding the norms of another parent before I trust them to watch my kid but after that, I give them the benefit of the doubt and maintain a solid line of communication so I can say "oh, we don't normally do that" if I don't like something.

 

[genenco]

@spiritualgrowth It’s not overreacting if that’s how you feel. Don’t diminish your feelings. It’s fine to have this boundary and tell J you don’t want her bathing your kid again.

I would explore how my kid felt. Was she asked if she wanted a bath, did she feel ok having it.

If she doesn’t already know about private parts, my body my rules etc then this is the time to start.

If you have no other red flags against J I wouldn’t cut ties, but your gut is a great indicator.

 

[katrina2017]

@spiritualgrowth maybe it's a cultural thing, in close knit communities, kids are mothered by someone regardless of who's kid it is. A mother Giving a bath to someone else's kid is pretty normal.

 

[nasusnuboc]

@katrina2017 It’s always cultural when trashy things happen isn’t it? Why would you assume that’s why she didn’t mention anyone’s culture at all?

 

[syncakes]

@nasusnuboc I don't think /@valariahopper was saying it's trashy??? Just that the mom might not have thought anything of it if she came from a "it takes a village" kind of culture. That's just such a weird thing to say--the word "cultural" =/= "bad"

 

[nasusnuboc]

@syncakes I’m the one saying it was trashy. Whenever something bad happens everyone always starts saying oh maybe it’s cultural. Wrong. Live in this culture.

 

[syncakes]

@nasusnuboc Live in what "culture"!? You have no idea where this story is taking place, first of all. And second of all, everyone has a culture. For example, it's "cultural" for you to have the freedom to think that "cultural" means "trashy" for some reason.

 

[nasusnuboc]

@syncakes What I’m saying is that people use that to defend bad behavior at times.

 

[fadzi]

@nasusnuboc Who hurt you?

 

[kimber81]

@spiritualgrowth As a parent of 2 boys and 2 girls, I would not be comfortable with that. I'd rather be over cautious than regretful. If they were a close family friend, then it would be a little less uncomfortable but still I will always prefer to be asked prior to.

 

[melicars]

@spiritualgrowth I think it’s weird not ok but I wouldn’t go nuclear about it either. If you like this person and trust her with your kids just tell her you don’t want it to happen again. If she get defensive about it then find someone else to mind your kid

 

[deacongirl]

@spiritualgrowth Ask your kid.

Did she ask for a bath? She might well have just wanted to join in.

It could go either way for me. I'd lean toward the benefit of the doubt. I've always asked parents first when I've tossed their kids in the bath, but I've also never had it come up with kids that young when their parents weren't there. I'd probably ask first but partly because I'm a man, and... yeah. That.

 

[nasusnuboc]

@deacongirl One—year-olds don’t typically talk so well. Asking the kid is pointless.

Edit: the kid is 5 but this is still wrong

 

[deacongirl]

@nasusnuboc Depends on the 5yo. I'd expect mine to generally be able to tell me if they were happy with a situation or not. Not the details and nuances but "yeah I wanted a bath" vs "she made me have a bath".

 

[nasusnuboc]

@deacongirl I thought the kid was 1 originally.

 

[yoba1981]

@nasusnuboc Originally the kid was zero, then it lived several years, then this story happened when it was 5.

 

[rodneyschnall]

@nasusnuboc 5 yr old

 

[nasusnuboc]

@rodneyschnall I stand corrected

 

[pattyannekatherine]

@nasusnuboc If someone had told me at 4 that it was OK to tell someone to stop touching my naked body and to communicate to my parents that i was uncomfortable then I wouldn't have been raped as much as I was. The kid being 5 means she is more than capable to tell you when someone else is making her uncomfortable in her body. Talking to the daughter and expressing that she can talk about this with the parents is how you prevent situations like mine.

 

[davida1949]

@spiritualgrowth I wouldn't be fussed about the bath, I really wouldn't. I've bathed other people's kids after a muddy playdate. At 5, it just seems natural to chuck them in the bath with your own kids.

But I'd be concerned about WHY you're concerned.

It's not just the bath, you've had odd feelings about her walking your daughter to school, cnotacting you more than you contact her. Sounds to me like your spidey senses are telling you all is not well with this woman. Her attentions have got you in a tizz.

Well. You can't be too careful when it comes to your kids. Have her checked out. Find out more about her past, see if she's on the register, that kind of thing.

Be careful who you ask. You don't want to ruin an inncoent woman's reputation. But do it. And let the kids' playdates be at your house until you're satisfied. Also: you can tell a lot about a mom by the behaviour of her child. Watch him. See how well he's been brought up, or if he has any unsettling behaviours.

What does your wife think?