Please share your 3yo morning getting ready routines because holy h*** I’m exhausted
@priya12 what else is going on in the last 15 minutes before you leave? We have the same issue with our daughter--the morning itself goes about as smoothly as it can for this age, but then right before we leave she's tearing off her clothes, nothing fits, she's hot, she needs to bring all her toys, etc. we have a very regimented morning routine for her, but once she's ready her dad and I have to get ourselves together, pack our lunches, gather the trash, turn off the lights, etc. for ten minutes or so and I always kind of thought she'd benefit from that time to play or whatever before we rush her out the door but it doesn't seem to be the case, I think all the hustling around stresses her out. I've been working on shifting our stuff earlier so once she's ready to go we're straight out the door and it seems to be helping.
@priya12 Timers. I’m setting a 2 minute timer. In 2 minutes, we will go do your hair, brush your teeth and get dressed.
Free access to clothing. She can open her dresser and her closet and tell me what she wants to wear. I only ask if she wants to wear a shirt (in her dresser) or a dress (in her closet). I give her 2 choices for her outerwear. One pullover sweatshirt and one hoodie. I also have a 5 month old so sometimes I just say that her little sister is wearing yellow stripes with red pants and a pink hoodie and my toddler insists they must match.
No pressure to potty. She is perfectly capable of holding it until she gets to school. Idk why she does this, but some days she insists she doesn’t need to go potty when she gets up. I just tell her teacher upon arrival that she hasn’t gone potty.
Screentime with short episodes. She eats breakfast watching either Spidey or Young Jedi Adventures. The episodes are 12 minutes. I can usually just say “at the end of this episode we are getting in the car” and she gets in the car once the episode is over. I also put on her shoes while she’s finishing that episode. She has clear favorites among her shoes and doesn’t protest the light up Encanto shoes.
Free access to clothing. She can open her dresser and her closet and tell me what she wants to wear. I only ask if she wants to wear a shirt (in her dresser) or a dress (in her closet). I give her 2 choices for her outerwear. One pullover sweatshirt and one hoodie. I also have a 5 month old so sometimes I just say that her little sister is wearing yellow stripes with red pants and a pink hoodie and my toddler insists they must match.
No pressure to potty. She is perfectly capable of holding it until she gets to school. Idk why she does this, but some days she insists she doesn’t need to go potty when she gets up. I just tell her teacher upon arrival that she hasn’t gone potty.
Screentime with short episodes. She eats breakfast watching either Spidey or Young Jedi Adventures. The episodes are 12 minutes. I can usually just say “at the end of this episode we are getting in the car” and she gets in the car once the episode is over. I also put on her shoes while she’s finishing that episode. She has clear favorites among her shoes and doesn’t protest the light up Encanto shoes.
trailblazer50
New member
@cewilder Chiming in to agree about the timers! There an app called Countdown (I’m sure there are others but this one has worked like magic for us) - and as it counts down, it reveals a picture. He gets so excited to see what the picture’s going to be that he’ll transition onto the next thing without any pushback
@trailblazer50 Can you link to the app please? There are so many, this one sounds brilliant!
goldfidelitydtcom
New member
@kaiwanga I tried finding it too and wow there are a lot of apps called Countdown!
But I think it must be this one called Visual Countdown Timer
But I think it must be this one called Visual Countdown Timer
trailblazer50
New member
@goldfidelitydtcom Yes this is the one!
@priya12 This is stress behaviour. Understanding stress behaviour (dysregulation) would have made my life SO much less stressful with my first 3yo!
The way to deal with stress behaviour is figure out what's causing the stress (which will be multiple things, you don't get stress behaviour from one stressor, but from multiple at once) and reduce enough of them that she's able to cope with the remainder.
Also, work on self regulation tools, but at calmer times. You can't start with self reg when the child is already activated, you need to work with them at other times so that they get comfortable and confident using the tools.
BTW, you can also tell it's stress behaviour because your body is literally telling you that her nervous system is activated, because it's activating yours as well! So no shame on this point and ditch the guilt, noticing that your heart rate is elevating and you're feeding on her stress is a really important step to notice.
Stuart Shanker (amazing resource for self reg info) says there are five domains and when you hit stress behaviour like this, you're probably running into all five. The five domains of stressors are: Emotional, Biological (Sensory), Cognitive, Social and Prosocial. I found this chapter from one of his books online: https://northstarpaths.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Self-Reg-Chapter-2.pdf
So for emotional I can see - she's struggling with a transition, she knows she's going to have to separate from you soon and that can still be emotional at three, maybe she's anxious about being late or about uncertainty about what will happen when she gets there, maybe there's a pattern where you get angry and she's anxious about triggering that.
Biological/sensory - is all the clothes, hair sensation etc. Temperature regulation may feed in here - kids often hate being asked to put outdoor clothing on when they are still in a heated building for example. This could also be anticipation of the walk.
Cognitive I am not sure - executive functioning skills involved in the tasks of getting ready to leave? Too many things happening at once? Language processing because she is being given a bunch of demands maybe? (I'm still learning this)
Social - you're getting stressed which in turn feeds her to be stressed.
Prosocial - likely she wants to please you and get it "right".
Of course you can't reduce all the stressors. She still has to transition and separate. Those things will continue to be stressful no matter what. And she has to wear clothes. For the others it's less clear what is actually causing the stress and what can be changed, you just have to experiment.
So I think where I would start is to change the timing - can you allow 25 minutes for that 15 minute stretch or even better 30-40 mins? Like whatever currently has to fit into the 15 minute stretch, instead of starting the first part of that 15 minutes before you need to leave, start it earlier. This will give you time to not be stressed yourself. You can take everything more slowly. You can give her one instruction at a time. You can also take time to come down to her level (physically, crouch) and look at her and touch her when you talk, which helps hugely with giving instructions. Also, try to make your voice consciously low and soft, rather than firm or anxious or urgent. There is a really great example of this in the ABCs of Everyday Parenting course on Coursera. When you have more time, you'll be relaxed and if you see her start to escalate into a stressed state, you can take the time to slow down and connect with her to coregulate in whatever way that means. Even just being in front of the child and taking a long deep breath yourself can help because they will typically automatically copy you. You may be able to ask her "OK, what's next?" rather than giving a stream of instructions. You could use techniques like emotion coaching/validating if she is becoming emotional.
Using something like the Ross Greene questions can give you more information about the problem. "I've noticed that you're having trouble with your clothes. What's up?" "Can you tell me more about that?" and reflective listening e.g. she says "MY SLEEVES ARE WRONG" and you reply "You're telling me that your sleeves are wrong." This usually then elicits more information e.g. she may hate it when the sleeve of her shirt gets pushed up inside the sleeve of her sweater (Same, kid, same.) You can then ask if she wants you to fix it, and the next day, you can show her how to hold onto the end of her sleeve, so it doesn't get pushed up inside.
If the problem persists even with more time allowed then you might have to try alleviating different things to see if it makes a difference, but that's where I'd start. But the most important thing is just to reframe what you're seeing - not defiance or brattiness or a child being annoying on purpose, but a child who is struggling and going into an activated, dysregulated state. Just that simple switch can help a lot. But the practical tips help too
Sympathy becayse my 15yo was the same at 3, my current 5yo is the same, and we have to have mornings go a very specific way to keep him calm and regulated. I will say that we are MUCH better at this today than we were with the 15yo! But still, if there is more than one thing out of place because e.g. we are running late then it all goes to hell and he will be doing exactly the same things, and we have a 2yo to get out of the door as well.
The way to deal with stress behaviour is figure out what's causing the stress (which will be multiple things, you don't get stress behaviour from one stressor, but from multiple at once) and reduce enough of them that she's able to cope with the remainder.
Also, work on self regulation tools, but at calmer times. You can't start with self reg when the child is already activated, you need to work with them at other times so that they get comfortable and confident using the tools.
BTW, you can also tell it's stress behaviour because your body is literally telling you that her nervous system is activated, because it's activating yours as well! So no shame on this point and ditch the guilt, noticing that your heart rate is elevating and you're feeding on her stress is a really important step to notice.
Stuart Shanker (amazing resource for self reg info) says there are five domains and when you hit stress behaviour like this, you're probably running into all five. The five domains of stressors are: Emotional, Biological (Sensory), Cognitive, Social and Prosocial. I found this chapter from one of his books online: https://northstarpaths.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Self-Reg-Chapter-2.pdf
So for emotional I can see - she's struggling with a transition, she knows she's going to have to separate from you soon and that can still be emotional at three, maybe she's anxious about being late or about uncertainty about what will happen when she gets there, maybe there's a pattern where you get angry and she's anxious about triggering that.
Biological/sensory - is all the clothes, hair sensation etc. Temperature regulation may feed in here - kids often hate being asked to put outdoor clothing on when they are still in a heated building for example. This could also be anticipation of the walk.
Cognitive I am not sure - executive functioning skills involved in the tasks of getting ready to leave? Too many things happening at once? Language processing because she is being given a bunch of demands maybe? (I'm still learning this)
Social - you're getting stressed which in turn feeds her to be stressed.
Prosocial - likely she wants to please you and get it "right".
Of course you can't reduce all the stressors. She still has to transition and separate. Those things will continue to be stressful no matter what. And she has to wear clothes. For the others it's less clear what is actually causing the stress and what can be changed, you just have to experiment.
So I think where I would start is to change the timing - can you allow 25 minutes for that 15 minute stretch or even better 30-40 mins? Like whatever currently has to fit into the 15 minute stretch, instead of starting the first part of that 15 minutes before you need to leave, start it earlier. This will give you time to not be stressed yourself. You can take everything more slowly. You can give her one instruction at a time. You can also take time to come down to her level (physically, crouch) and look at her and touch her when you talk, which helps hugely with giving instructions. Also, try to make your voice consciously low and soft, rather than firm or anxious or urgent. There is a really great example of this in the ABCs of Everyday Parenting course on Coursera. When you have more time, you'll be relaxed and if you see her start to escalate into a stressed state, you can take the time to slow down and connect with her to coregulate in whatever way that means. Even just being in front of the child and taking a long deep breath yourself can help because they will typically automatically copy you. You may be able to ask her "OK, what's next?" rather than giving a stream of instructions. You could use techniques like emotion coaching/validating if she is becoming emotional.
Using something like the Ross Greene questions can give you more information about the problem. "I've noticed that you're having trouble with your clothes. What's up?" "Can you tell me more about that?" and reflective listening e.g. she says "MY SLEEVES ARE WRONG" and you reply "You're telling me that your sleeves are wrong." This usually then elicits more information e.g. she may hate it when the sleeve of her shirt gets pushed up inside the sleeve of her sweater (Same, kid, same.) You can then ask if she wants you to fix it, and the next day, you can show her how to hold onto the end of her sleeve, so it doesn't get pushed up inside.
If the problem persists even with more time allowed then you might have to try alleviating different things to see if it makes a difference, but that's where I'd start. But the most important thing is just to reframe what you're seeing - not defiance or brattiness or a child being annoying on purpose, but a child who is struggling and going into an activated, dysregulated state. Just that simple switch can help a lot. But the practical tips help too
Sympathy becayse my 15yo was the same at 3, my current 5yo is the same, and we have to have mornings go a very specific way to keep him calm and regulated. I will say that we are MUCH better at this today than we were with the 15yo! But still, if there is more than one thing out of place because e.g. we are running late then it all goes to hell and he will be doing exactly the same things, and we have a 2yo to get out of the door as well.
dirtyglove
New member
@priya12 It's interesting because having read through a lot of the other comments, most of them are suggesting things which will reduce stressors. For example a lot of people suggested leaving extra time, or splitting up tasks so that they are not all happening in this last 15 minutes, or changing the way that the routine is presented (e.g. with pictures rather than verbal instruction).
I just found it extremely helpful once I understood the framework that underlies WHY those suggestions can help (and also, why it probably doesn't matter which one you try first/you don't have to implement them all at once).
I just found it extremely helpful once I understood the framework that underlies WHY those suggestions can help (and also, why it probably doesn't matter which one you try first/you don't have to implement them all at once).
iambradwhoareu
New member
@priya12 Our morning pre-daycare routine is usually pretty smooth.
I wake up at 5:15 to shower, dress, etc. so I don't have to worry about me while I'm trying to get her out the door. I pack her lunch and at 7 my husband or I wakes her up and gets her dressed. She gets a choice of dress or a shirt, and she gets a couple of 'vetos' if we pick an item of clothing she doesn't like.
Then she comes downstairs and she gets 10 minutes on a timer for breakfast. She can have cereal and milk, pop tarts, fruit and eggs, and if she doesn't choose then she gets a yogurt pouch.
After the timer goes off, it's shoes, potty if she needs to, and we're out the door. I'm sure it's a combination of a well-established routine and a cooperative kid that helps it go so well, but it does work very well for us.
I wake up at 5:15 to shower, dress, etc. so I don't have to worry about me while I'm trying to get her out the door. I pack her lunch and at 7 my husband or I wakes her up and gets her dressed. She gets a choice of dress or a shirt, and she gets a couple of 'vetos' if we pick an item of clothing she doesn't like.
Then she comes downstairs and she gets 10 minutes on a timer for breakfast. She can have cereal and milk, pop tarts, fruit and eggs, and if she doesn't choose then she gets a yogurt pouch.
After the timer goes off, it's shoes, potty if she needs to, and we're out the door. I'm sure it's a combination of a well-established routine and a cooperative kid that helps it go so well, but it does work very well for us.
wareagle15
New member
@priya12 I'll ask for input, but then go do things anyways, re: clothes. If he's enthused about a specific shirt, cool, otherwise we're wearing what I pick out. Dressing is a game for us: you see, there are these creatures called Tickle Spiders that live in our house. They looooove tickling bellies and bare feet, but clothing defeats them. So, dressing becomes a game to get dressed as quickly as possible so that he can triumphantly announce "Haha, tickle spiders! You can't get me!". He loves it to the point that if he's sleepy and we've just poured him into his jammies, he'll sleepily shambles up to his dad because he needs tickle spiders.
Find your own tickle spider equivalent -- transitions are hard, but making the process enjoyable rather than just a break in what they were doing really worked for us. I'll also dress him while he's in the middle of standing and playing, or whatever works. Basically I don't have a rigid routine so much as a small list of goals that get accomplished whatever way works. Kid fed, hygienic and in pants? Win.
Find your own tickle spider equivalent -- transitions are hard, but making the process enjoyable rather than just a break in what they were doing really worked for us. I'll also dress him while he's in the middle of standing and playing, or whatever works. Basically I don't have a rigid routine so much as a small list of goals that get accomplished whatever way works. Kid fed, hygienic and in pants? Win.
aforgivenman
New member
madhusudhana25758
New member
@priya12 Just want to say this makes me feel better. Every morning I feel like my shoulders are up to my ears because every step is like trudging through mud. I've been feeling guilty that she doesn't enjoy her Montessori program because she usually says in the morning she doesn't want to go, but once we are there she happily grabs her teacher's hand and walks in. I just keep reminding myself that toddlers always struggle with transitions, no matter what it is and even if it's something they like. Also, most people don't like getting up and getting ready in the morning... It's pretty universal. But yeah, it sucks.
@madhusudhana25758 We are going through the same exact thing, friend!!! Glad this seems normal!
kaleidoskop
New member
@priya12 A chart could work wonders. I have a laminated picture chart with cartoon kids doing the activities for our morning routine. I set a timer and if we can get the routine done before it goes off, then we both get a sticker at the door before we leave.
For example, go potty, brush teeth, brush hair, eat breakfast, put on your shoes and coat, then leave.
After each step I say “what’s next on YOUR routine” and point to the picture. They get so excited to check things off and it makes mornings a breeze. I ignore all negativity that isn’t dangerous. You snatch your shoes off, no problem, I’ll put them in my purse. You throw yourself on the floor, now you go in the stroller instead of walking, you snatch out your ponytail, no biggie, now you have a little bald spot and you’re still leaving the house in time regardless.
I try to make it fun and I put plenty of time on my phone timer for us to get ready. Lots of praise and “we’re going to beat the timer!”
For example, go potty, brush teeth, brush hair, eat breakfast, put on your shoes and coat, then leave.
After each step I say “what’s next on YOUR routine” and point to the picture. They get so excited to check things off and it makes mornings a breeze. I ignore all negativity that isn’t dangerous. You snatch your shoes off, no problem, I’ll put them in my purse. You throw yourself on the floor, now you go in the stroller instead of walking, you snatch out your ponytail, no biggie, now you have a little bald spot and you’re still leaving the house in time regardless.
I try to make it fun and I put plenty of time on my phone timer for us to get ready. Lots of praise and “we’re going to beat the timer!”
@kaleidoskop I’m 100% going to do a chart. We did one last year for bedtime with Velcro pictures she can move from “to do” to “done” and it was magical. I kind of forgot about it because we haven’t needed it in a while. I’ll work one up for school prep.