Pet Peeve On These Parenting Reddits..

[jsphalford11]

Just something to get off my chest, partially humorous but there's a serious side too.

Have been coming here since baby was very young, desperately looking for help as a first time father with a very difficult, high needs, sleep-training-resistant bad sleeper that drove me and my wife up the wall for her entire first year.

Now that she's a toddler and we're finally starting to stabilize (some good days at least), I still try to drop by from time to time and I still see the big thing that irked me, both on here and other similar subs.

Basically, what will happen is someone will come in looking for help with a specific scenario. Let's get real here - 75% of the time it's sleep, sometimes relationships.

The problem?

Rather than responding with specific advice, there is a tendency to say something to the effect of "oh what really helped me was reading this ESSENTIAL book called A - you'll see what I mean when you read that book. No, I'm not telling you why lol". There will often be books B-Z too.

I often wonder just how much time and disposable income other parents have, but even now I have zero time to read an article, let alone a whole book and I'm not exactly flush with book money either...

I'm willing to be charitable and assume these aren't paid advertisements for said materials, but...why not just state the handful of tips you learned from said books that would help the poster in question - chances are, if they are in the 0-12 month trenches, they aren't really going to have time to dig through themselves.

Anyway, food for thought.

EDIT: Well, this blew up and the comments here...are sort of what I'm talking about. No, telling someone *what* you learned from Precious Little Sleep in a few points is not them 'cheating' and asking for help that doesn't involve buying and reading a whole book is not 'entitlement'.

 

[twicedivorcedman]

@jsphalford11 I’ve noticed this too. I don’t mind an occasional book plug, but my god, bulk up your comment with something helpful.

What not to do: “Read XYZ book! It’ll help!”

What to do: “I read this tip that if you do ABC then it may help. I learned this information from XYZ book, which has other useful tips in it too.”

 

[gc612]

@jsphalford11 Have you tried reading The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People?

It has really helped with my time management and has allowed me to read more books

 

[shaughnessyym]

@gc612 This is hilarious, I can’t tell if you’re saying this tongue in cheek or not, but either way I love it.

 

[williamgoode]

@gc612

 

[hailee]

@gc612 You were awarded a poor woman's gold.

 

[finishedcross]

@jsphalford11 The other day, there was a dad asking how he could help support his wife with her upcoming induction and nearly every comment was "Get a dad book!"

OP, I'm with you...

 

[kittyc]

@finishedcross To be fair, that guy knew basically nothing about childbirth and seemed to be expecting a) his very pregnant wife and b) the internet at large to teach him, so he didn't have to be bothered. It was a first kid, which means he had had 9 months to prepare, and yet had bothered to do exactly zero research. Very much smacked of male helplessness.

Women, for the most part, do not have the luxury of doing zero research and waltzing into childbirth (an event that could kill them) hoping some nice stranger will update them on the important bits. It's not okay for men to do it, either.

 

[aleksandr1991]

@kittyc Why did everyone just assume he was relying on his wife? He never said anything about that, only that he knew nothing about babies or child birth and that he wanted to be a good husband.
He definitely needed to do research prior to the baby coming, like I spent months researching babies, labor, developments etc... but there's something many seem to not know about men.
We're not pregnant. We don't feel the baby inside of us. The whole 9 months of pregnancy, it doesn't feel real to us. It's not until we see the baby for the first time that it becomes real. So please, try not to always assume the worst in men, we're not all bad

 

[maddieh567]

@aleksandr1991 My partner is great, he does half of the work with baby and chores around the house.

He sucks with researching for baby info and how to. He spends his free time or when he contact nap with baby he’s watching YouTube, streaming a show or the stock market and growing our wealth.

I do the baby research. My free time or contact nap with baby is reading parenting subs on Reddit. Researching things I’m concerned about. I tell my partner my concern with baby’s cradle cap. His response, “we’ll ask the doctor at next month’s appointment”.

I have a group chat for us where I data dump on him advices from other parents or research articles. His response, “I am overwhelmed with all the info”. So I tell him my findings.

It’s frustrating that research is on me. He’s stress with work and our finances.

I’m not sure how common this is for men who are new dad. But from my friends who are new dads, they leave the research to their wives.

I did make him in charge of following up with day cares. He was like, “why don’t we do this together?” I narrowed down MY top 3 day cares for him to reach out to.

Thank you for reading my rant.

 

[glitter1986]

@maddieh567 Hey girl - same situation here. Second baby now. Sometimes I get really frustrated too, we’ve had v complicated high risk pregnancies and managed to get to term with a healthy baby this time. I was getting so upset he wasn’t researching about birth and how to support (to be honest he ended up being fantastic just by his nature but I had to tell him what I’ve packed, birth positions I want help with etc). I was upset. Even all the baby preterm risk research and what surgery to get and what’s a warning sign etc. as someone said before I felt a bit alone in managing risk to me and baby. He was always there for decisions and helped me make them, and he did research recovery times for the procedures I had to help.

Exactly the same re contact naps he researches home improvements we need, next family car we need etc and I research baby. And often lots of shows!

My sister stayed with us a few weeks after baby, I’ve been ranting to her since my last child was born. My husband and I had lots of conversations and he’s worked on himself a lot (I’ve had things to improve too like my anger issues and inability to communicate calmly) but it was helpful with my sister. She drew my attention to everything my husband did do - eg cleaning the house and kitchen every night, always managing dishwasher/sink, all groceries, cleaning fridge, all finances (all baby things are me, everything else is him), managing my toddler to and from day care, organising his bag and now with the baby doing nappy changes and bringing me nuts and snacks at 3am etc. esp through the pregnancy where I was doing bedrest he managed everything else and worked full time.

Once I started noticing it made almost feel I don’t do much … but the truth is we just occupy v different roles. He’s practical and hands on, I’m a worrier and I’m thorough. Me researching is my strength and my partners is managing a lot of other things.

I don’t know if that’s useful. I still argued with him re recent nursing issues we’re having where I’m researching constantly and he’s saying let’s wait to see the gp!

 

[aleksandr1991]

@maddieh567 I'm sorry all the research ends up landing with you. I can relate to the frustration of all the research landing on ya Maybe I'm wrong and I'm the exception, not the rule (please, don't read this as passive aggressive, it's meant to be sincere).

I am a stay at home dad due to being on long-term disability, so I have more free time than most. I also live in canada, so my wife has 1 year mat leave, so my situation is very different than most.

I hope you don't mind me stealing your idea of a group chat to data dump, I love that! I find it difficult to share info I learn with my wife as she tends to view it as me telling her she's doing things wrong (we've talked through the issue so all is good. I can come across as condescending without meaning to because I'm autistic and have brain damage lol so my communication skills are not great despite years of therapy).

Last thing I wanted to say. I appreciate your rant, I appreciate how you explain your situation without belittling me or other dads. I hear you. It's frustrating having to do all the learning yourself, and I can't even begin to imagine how much more frustrating that becomes when you, as a person who gave birth, have to recover from birth, have hormonal fluctuations, and have to breastfeed/pump (if you don't and just use formula, ignore the breastfeeding part lol)... I genuinely wish I could make other men see/understand what I do so they wouldn't leave everything on ya'll. But I can't, so I do my best to give new dads advice on what their responsibilities should be. It's the best I can do!

 

[aleksandr1991]

@finishedcross Yeah I saw that. I left a detailed comment about some things I did to help my wife. I feel like everytime a dad comes to this sub to ask a question, he either gets "get a book!" Or "you should already know this. You can't expect your wife to teach you"... I hate, HATE how many people here automatically assume the dad is somehow a moron and the mom is some sort of super genius. We're all parents, and we all learn by doing and by asking questions.

 

[dagger311]

@jsphalford11 I noticed that, too. I think it's ok to mention a book someone found helpful, but I think it shouldn't be the only thing that is mentioned. Some additional information about why the book was helpful, maybe including some tips it provided, some other resources it pointed people to that they never would've considered, etc would be a lot more useful if doing a book plug. Just expand on the book and its usefulness a bit and how it personally impacted your parenting journey would be so nice to read.

It may make me more motivated to actually check out the book myself, too. Just plugging the book and saying, "It helped!" won't do it for me.

 

[melanie66]

@jsphalford11 I think this bothers you because you haven't read the book "how not to be bothered by people recommending books". This changed my life in so many ways. Trust me. Just an hour per day in your free time to read it, that's all you need. It helps if you skip a meal here and there or not take a shower to finish reading it quicker. Totally worth it.

 

[chux7]

@jsphalford11 Ironic that the ad for this post was a book.

 

[christfollower1993]

@jsphalford11 I get what you're saying and that is annoying. When I see a book rec I'll usually google around to get more opinions before I invest my time in it. And I stop reading if it just feels like it isn't for me (I did this with Precious Little Sleep, actually).

And there is time to read or listen, it just might be smaller and different from before. All of the books I've read since becoming a parent are either on my phone while holding a sleeping child, audiobook while driving or while holding a sleeping child, or a physical book that I keep in the bathroom and read a page or two when I go the bathroom sometimes. I finished Good Inside in a couple months doing that, now I'm reading No Bad Kids. I get almost all my physical books secondhand and none have been more than ~$3-6 each with free shipping.

 

[iwanttodie]

@jsphalford11

I often wonder just how much time and disposable income other parents have, but even now I have zero time to read an article, let alone a whole book and I'm not exactly flush with book money either...

According to the book Atomic Habits... LOL. I am an avid reader, but I get all my books online for free from Libby, an app connected to the library. Libraries are amazing. As far as time to read, if you read 10-15 minutes a day, you can get through a book in a month or two. But if you aren't a reader then carving out this time rather than like do nothing or drink coffee wouldn't be for you.

I also resemble this remark, I just posted on another post for someone to read a book about anxiety control LOL -- I am the problem. I did also give a YT channel that you can watch 10-15 minutes a day instead, tho.

why not just state the handful of tips you learned from said books that would help the poster in question

At least for me, I gave a few paragraph nutshells of what the resources did for me I wonder how many people who just say "read X" actually read x enough to follow the advice?

 

[oxfordmoveman]

@iwanttodie I get all of my books from Libby too, but I get most of my parenting books as audio books and listen to them on walks, while driving, cleaning, etc. I am not a huge listener of audio books in general, but I find parenting books easy to listen to!

 

[jsphalford11]

@iwanttodie I'm an avid reader. I still don't think I'd have been able to read something for 15 minutes a day, internalize it and implement it.

But I don't think you quite understand what my day was like during that year. Between a sick wife, a bad sleeper, work and trying to stay on top of the housework - 15 minutes would have been a luxury. There were days where I had to choose between using the bathroom and eating a meal.