OAD, even with one remaining embryo?

[dof7]

My hubby and I did IVF back in 2018 after trying to have a baby for 7 years. I was 38. Our first egg retrieval cycle led to 1 embryo. We had always thought we wanted at least 2 kids, so we decided to freeze that embryo and do another egg retrieval cycle right away given my age. Our first embryo transfer later that year was successful, and we had a baby girl in 2019 after a challenging birth (preeclamspia, emergency c-section, etc.). She just turned 3. We love her to pieces, of course, but she is a very difficult child (very loud, high energy, several tantrums a day...maybe just a typical toddler, though!).

The time has come to decide whether to transfer the remaining embryo or not. If the embryo weren't in existence, we definitely would be content with just one and wouldn't try for another. But I put my body through so much during the second egg retrieval process, and it was a huge expense (which my mom and 2 sisters helped us with...as gifts). So, it just feels wrong to discard the embryo (so much guilt with that!), especially given we've been envisioning what being a family of 4 with "George" (our nickname for him) might be like. On the other hand, we're really struggling with the potential negative effect(s) another child might have on our family...on my mental health/well-being in particular (I'm an introvert and pretty averse to chaos).

We're just looking for any thoughts people outside of our situation might have. We keep going back and forth and back and forth!

 

[isocoma]

@dof7 I have 2 20 months apart and it is pretty crazy sometimes. But that is temporary. Stages fly by and time moves fast.

The only question that matters is "do you want another child?"

The cost, the process to get the embryo, the stress of all that...irrelevant really. Sunk cost fallacy.

If you truly want another child. For whatever reason that may be. Go for it. If your main reasons surround the ivf process ..well..is that enough to bring a whole human into this world who you will parent for the rest of your life (sort of).

Only you can answer this and there is no wrong or right. Only right for you and your family.

Good luck to you!!!

 

[dof7]

@isocoma Thank you! I often wonder if it's just the baby/toddler stage that is what's difficult for me, and all would be great once I helped a second child through this phase. There are no guarantees, though, so it doesn't seem wise to count on that.

I think that I'm just spent. And since I don't have the luxury of time because of my age, I can't really wait for my daughter to be more independent so that I bring another human into the world when I don't feel quite so tired and overwhelmed.

All of the comments I've received through this and another thread have helped make our decision much more clear. I at least no longer feel like I'm a horrible person for being hesitant to follow through on our original plan that involved a lot of time, effort, money, etc.

 

[isocoma]

@dof7 We thought we were going to have 3. Wasn't even pregnant with number 1 yet but we settled on 3. First one came...yeah it was an adjustment, but after 4 or 5 months I found a groove. So when the doctor confirmed we could try after she was 1 year old we did. I got a positive test a week after she turned 1.

My whole second pregnancy I treated it like my middle pregnancy. I was gonna do all this again. Pulling thr newborn stuff out of the bags of storage and washing them I kept thinking how they would get one more go after this.

Then baby 2 came. And I didn't find my groove in 5 months. Things didn't ease up. It was amazing but not twice as hard like it expected. Somehow it was like 2.5 or 3 times as hard even if it was only double the kids.

So much so that come a month before number 2 turned a year old and we should have started trying soon my husband and I looked at each other and came to the realization we didn't want to do it again. So that was it.

I was a bit sad of course, still am some days. But being a bit sad and reminiscent is not enough for me to bring a human into this world. (Just me of course I speak for nobody else.)

Things change. We can grieve what planned and thats OK.

Don't feel guilty about making a new decision once you have more information.

 

[mikek401]

@isocoma I really feel this comment. I have two. I love them so much and feel so whole and complete. Stopping at 2 feels right in a million ways. Except, I never thought during my second pregnancy and the first few months of my second’s life “this is the last time I’m doing X.” I assumed I would do it all again. I think I would have a lot more peace with our decision to be done if I had put it in my head from the get-go that two was our number.

 

[dof7]

@mikek401 I feel the same. If from the get-go we had planned to be OAD, I think I also would have felt more at peace with choosing that.

 

[dof7]

@isocoma Yeah, I think it is about grieving what was planned. Like I said before, for 4 years I've envisioned this boy in our lives. But we have also changed in the past 4 years, and parenthood has been WAY different than we expected. Baby #2 might be a more chill baby than our first, but there's no guarantee. And I don't think I have the energy to deal with another difficult child at my age. It's just so nice to hear that I'm not alone in all of this. The pressure/guilt is tough to deal with.

 

[enoughhomeless]

@dof7 Heck, we have even more embryos left and we are still thinking we are one and done. We are still in that awkward, "keep paying the storage bills" phase, but once we have made the final call, we have agreed that they can be used for training purposes/science.

It does feel weird to have "kids in the fridge" and just do nothing with them, but quite frankly I don't think we can handle another baby. We had an "easy" baby, but had over a decade of just the two of us prior, so it's been a big lifestyle adjustment and we are looking forward to being able to bring our baby traveling and to more events with us as she grows into a person who can enjoy things rather than an angry, pooping potato.

 

[jolene250]

@enoughhomeless Literally checked to see if this was my wife’s account. I know people say “it’s just tough in the beginning,” but damn, it seems like it would be really tough going through all that with a 4 year old, too.

 

[enoughhomeless]

@jolene250 My thoughts exactly. I'm definitely not your wife, though, as I can't talk my husband into joining Reddit haha

 

[dof7]

@enoughhomeless Lol!

Yes...we've obviously been paying for storage for years now, too. It's nice to know we still have the option of doing another transfer, but we will need to make the final call pretty soon.

We were together for over 16 years before we had our first, so it was a huge adjustment for us, too. We're just now at the phase where it's starting to be easier to venture out more. So, I think it'd be really difficult to go back to day 1 with a newborn.

 

[loveis]

@dof7 Think of the money and time spent getting that egg as the price paid to give yourself a choice. Your mum and your sister did give you a beautiful gift, the gift of choice! You can decide what you want. Honestly though, sounds like you already know the choice you want to make.

 

[dof7]

@loveis I really like that way of looking at it. Yes, they did give us the gift of choice!

 

[katrina2017]

@dof7 I know it's hard, but try to put the money already spent factor aside because that really shouldn't be a consideration. Are you happier thinking about a future as 4 or just as 3? I know this is a hard one for me, because I think I'd be happy either way. If you think you really want another but your hesitations come from pregnancy and birth, talk to your OB and see what would be expected with a second pregnancy. And how does your husband feel?

 

[dof7]

@katrina2017 I think I could be happy with 4, but not necessarily right away (during the baby/toddler years). I am beginning to think that I just don't have it in me to go back to day 0 again.

I feel concerned when thinking about my and my potential baby's health. My husband was totally traumatized after our first birth experience. He thought he was going to lose us both. The docs I've spoken to have basically laid out the risks and said that if we are ok with the risks then we can proceed. I thought I was ok with them, but reading the IVF clinic's form that detailed the various chances of having various complications sort of freaked me out. I don't want to die (or even be on bedrest for months) trying to have another baby!

 

[isabella63]

@katrina2017 Yeah I also suggest talking to your OB about what to expect. The second pregnancy and birth could be even worse and you might now have a better estimate of your risk factors for bad outcomes like premature birth or extended bedrest due to preeclampsia. My close friend just had a second after having postpartum preeclampsia the first time and with the second pregnancy she ended up in the hospital on bedrest for a month with a micro premie on the second birth…very touch and go situation. I just keep thinking back to when the first birth happened and her husband telling me how he never wanted another because he felt like they got really lucky with the first that mom and baby were ok. Well, now round two, baby is…not really ok…mom was on bedrest for a month…she’s not really ok either.

 

[dof7]

@isabella63 This is exactly what my husband is afraid of! It was very touch and go during the first birth experience for us, too. Given that I'm now 42 (not 39 like back then), I'm worried that it won't be any better but could be much worse. So, right now I think we're leaning towards not risking it.

 

[isabella63]

@dof7 Again your OB would be better equipped to tell you about risk factors given your first birth and your age. Unfortunately I do think age increases risk for many conditions. But yeah my friends are living this right now where they were on the fence because of the brush with preeclampsia and generally not fun pregnancy, knowing how much worse it could have turned out, and now things kinda suck. Thankfully they are alive and getting lots of help from local family watching their first around the clock so they can keep him out of daycare (don’t want the premie getting sick), and they only live 20 minutes from the NICU.

 

[dof7]

@isabella63 My OB and 2 reproductive endocrinologists have all said that I could experience preeclampsia again, but they won't say how much of a risk there is. I just wish I knew that there was say a 50% chance that I'd experience it again. I'm a numbers person, so making a decision is hard for me if it's based on the experts just saying it "could happen."

That's great that your friends have family to help out. My husband and I have no support here, so that's also something to think about as we make the decision. So many "what ifs"...

 

[isabella63]

@dof7 Yeah, no family support is huge, my friends would be paying for lots of babysitting day and night if they didn’t have family. I’m no expert because I only have one but definitely think through the logistics and support structure. UNLESS you have the financial resources to hire people to help you come what may.

I’m so sorry this decision is so hard for many of us!