Never expected clothes to be something stressful….

[jd14234]

Sorry this is long…. My ex and I share a toddler. We’re high/very limited contact conflict and I’ve just had to file in court to try to get our informal agreement made legally binding…. They weren’t happy I filed.

Today I get the usual handover email and a bit at the bottom to say ‘I’ll be changing x right before pick up, send x back in that outfit next time’

I responded basically to say I always try to send x back in clothes that other parent provided but wasn’t agreeing to a guarantee (mainly because it’s another thing to keep track of, I have LO 80% and juggle all of the daycare/appointments etc and it’s just another control tactic which there has been a lot of).

Ex responds to say it’s because I sent x to them dirty and ‘unclean’ and multiple people had commented on it (we live in a different country to all family so not sure who?) anyway I didn’t get into that battle just stated that X is well looked after in my care. They were referencing one pick up a few weeks ago where a T-shirt had a very slight stain from dropping some breakfast - I had wiped it up just didn’t bother changing whole outfit as it was 2 mins before pick up and I’m talking a very small little mark. Definitely not unclean and let’s be honest toddlers generally always have a stain or two somewhere - right??

Then they tell me they want all of their clothes back that are here. I picked up x this evening with a bag of clothes that were in their wardrobe that x had sent her in over the last few months (worth noting I’m sure he has some of ‘my’ clothes too so I’m not hoarding them or leaving them with no clothes there or anything).

Ex then shouts/curses at me in front of LO for bringing them because they were going straight out and it didn’t suit them to go back up the stairs to their apartment with the bag…..

What do you do about clothes? I mean in my mind we both buy clothes from similar price ranges etc I see them as child’s clothes not mine or theirs… it just felt so unnecessary and ridiculous.

 

[childofgod001]

@jd14234 We would wash whatever LO came over in, and send them back in it. Otherwise we'd never see some clothes again. I know that the clothes are all for the kids, but when you've bought the nicer stuff, and they get sent in really cheap crap, it does get frustrating. Sending them in the same clothes resolved that.

 

[theworstsinner14]

@jd14234 My ex had a bad habit of losing the clothes I would buy and sending back clothes that were ill fitting or not weather appropriate (recently my 9 year old daughter came over in 5t pants...) I'd ask for the clothing back and get a similar non commital response that you've given your ex. It is very frustrating because honestly it is not hard to track clothing and I was having to replace clothing very often.

Now, assuming the clothes are weather appropriate, I immediately do laundry the day or day after the kids get back to me and put the clothes they came in from my ex aside in their closets so they are easy to find. They then wear those back. If the clothes are ill fitting or not weather appropriate, I send them in very cheap play clothes and ask that he return them- usually he does not, but at least I tried.

May it seem petty to others? Maybe. But I'm no longer replacing clothes constantly and need to communicate less with my ex. It works best for me.

I'd suggest that you do the same if it appears this is something that bugs your ex.

 

[listenhere]

@theworstsinner14 Saaaame!

I have to make comments like, wow he's getting so big his tummy is showing or his pants are getting too tight...shoot time to buy some bigger clothes. Oh winter is coming I'm going to pick up some long sleeves and layers at the thrift store, do you want me to grab some and pay me back or split the cost?

I also spend good money on some nicer clothes that were coming back ripped or with stains I couldn't get out. Not doing that anymore.

He thinks it's petty, but he also struggles with ADHD and is worried he'll forget.

OP, create a habit of changing your child after pickup and put the clothes back in their bag. Set an alarm to remind yourself to change them before you drop off. Issue solved. My coparent takes his clothes off as soon as he's inside and leaves the clothes by the door where we see them before we leave. I do the same and we send them back in the same clothes.

 

[rcr93]

@jd14234 Keep cloths seperate and always return the ones the kids come in back at school exchange or wherever that is. It’s easier that way in my situation! If a stain happens, that’s just par for the course, nothing can be done there. I would personally rather cloths be returned dirty then accumulated and lost in the shuffle…

 

[jd14234]

Yes it is probably just easier to go along… the irony being the day I sent LO ‘dirty’ I hadn’t changed her top because it was a tiny spillage from breakfast and was the top they had come home in so I was trying to make sure it went back…. I think my biggest frustration in it is the suggestion that I’m sending LO to them unclean which just isn’t the case and that they now want to put LO in ‘clean’ clothes right before I pick them up and then I have to take those off immediately put them to the side and put them back on…. It just seems a bit bizarre but probably not worth the fight.

 

[jd14234]

Slightly off topic but thank you everyone - I love this group it really helps me see a different perspective and not get as tied up in the drama over what is really a small things in the grand scheme of it… it’s a great mental reset any time I post!

 

[heavensvoice]

@jd14234 Don’t get into these pissing matches or justify anything. Kids are allowed to get dirty. Who cares.

My ex does the same thing and no I don’t have time to keep track of his clothes. There’s no reason he can’t just send our kid home in what they wore to his house. Instead he wants to make things as complicated as possible. I just ignore it and send home a bag of clothes when I get around to sorting them out of the rest of the clothes.

 

[jd14234]

@heavensvoice This is exactly my issue I guess, they have LO 20% of the time if it’s so much of an issue to them why can’t they be the ones to change them after they arrive and send them back in clothes I sent them in? It’s petty I know but it just feels like another thing I’m expected to be responsible for when I have 0 interest in clothes being anything other than the child’s. They have also said they will be ‘noting’ if child turns up in dirty clothes for court which I find pretty laughable in all honesty as I know LO is well looked after.

 

[heavensvoice]

@jd14234 I would just not worry about it. When my ex has said things like this I literally just laugh and hang up or walk away. If they want to complain about it in front of a judge and make an ass out of themselves let them.

It’s your choice to let this bother you. When my ex has complaints I just remember how ridiculous it is that someone who has never actually parented a child, beyond playing with them on the weekends, thinks they are entitled to an opinion.

Recently he asked me if our kid has ever been to a dentist and offered to book him an appointment, for me. Instead of it bothering me I just thought of how hilarious it was that our kid is almost 7 and his dad has thought about him going to the dentist for the first time since he’s been born.

 

[beautifultruth]

@jd14234 Two points I'd like to make:
First, send kiddo back in the same clothes they came to you in (wash or don't wash and just change kiddo into the clothes shortly before exchange).

Second, not everything in a message needs to be responded to (and sometimes nothing in a message needs a response). The thing about kiddo being "unclean" is exactly the sort of thing that should just be ignored. You don't need to defend yourself to someone who isn't going to listen to your well-reasoned argument.

 

[katrina2017]

@jd14234 I personally change my partners son as soon as we get them & use our own clothes. My partner has a hard time keeping up with clothes so it’s just easier. I understand the frustration, clothes aren’t cheap. I do not wash them though, they will get lost if I do.

 

[lawlord]

@jd14234 Child always goes home in what is worn at pickup.

 

[nightfire61]

@jd14234 No. I don't play this game of clothing. Kids are always sent in appropriate clothing, I'm not keeping tracking of every item. My ex would get mad about socks, absolutely not. My ex never even purchased any of our kiddo's clothing whole we were together so I'm assuming they were not aware of how expensive it was to provide everything for a child until they had to do it, that's not a me problem.

 

[bellah]

@jd14234 I have older kids, going into middle school and high school. My ex and I just believe that their clothes are their clothes. They come here wearing clothes and go back to his house wearing them. I’m lucky because we’re not HC and work well together for the kids. We share winter items and things like swim suits. I remind the kids of any special events or activities we are going to be doing if it will require “special” clothing (“we’re going to cousins wedding this weekend, make sure you grab anything you want from dads before pick up” type of thing).

 

[kaimonster]

@bellah Yep - I’ve adopted this perspective too, though my situation is high conflict. I send my kid to his dad’s in the (now laundered) clothes he came home in last time if possible, otherwise just clothes I’m not super attached to. It’s not worth a fight. And at the end of the day, strategies like immediately changing kids prior to drop off etc is gonna make the kid feel weird.

 

[katrina2017]

@jd14234 Take the clothes off the second you get home. Don’t wash them, just take them off and put them in a bag. Put them back on the second before you get in the car.

I agree with you for the record. We don’t do this. Their clothes are THEIR clothes, not ours. But if your ex is going to be like that this is the way.

 

[katrina2017]

@jd14234 This is more annoying for us too than I think it should be. Coparent and I both do a lot of second hand gear, but my one has a bit of a sensory thing and can be very particular about his clothes. I shop with him carefully and go ahead and spring for new things that he's most comfortable in... I'm not talking about anything crazy but like the athletic gear at old navy. Coparents house also just does laundry less frequently (always clean and well cared for they just have a bigger rotation and do laundry less often) - so it goes there and gets stuck. 8 year old has even noticed. We both ask for favorites/special items back, but try not to with routine clothes, because ultimately we want the kids to feel like they're THEIR clothes not mom or dad's houses clothes. But it's annoying and constantly feels like things are missing. (Coparent is admittedly better at procuring outerwear, I have no idea why, I try/but then, but it always seems the kids favorites come from there... So they probably feel the same way)

 

[jmiahman]

@jd14234 Honestly, I just keep a bunch of garage sale clothing on hand and those are the kind of outfits my kids wear to their dad's. My ex would always send the kids in clothing that they outgrew. I would replace it with a garage sale outfit. Yes it's annoying. But as long as my kids are wearing clothes that fit them, I'm not to freak about it. It will only create drama.