My ex dumped his kid on me and my life is in shambles

[emma1em]

To start off recently i have been crying every night, i don’t know what to do with myself.

Iv been a single mother for 10 years now to my son Jade. His father and I were never married and to be honest I never really knew him at all. It was a dumb 19 year old me thing to do. I gave birth and with the help of some DNA samples we found him and once Jade was 3 his dad started to come and visit him once a year. They do stuff just to two of them I stay out of it. I can’t stand him.

About 4 years ago I started dating someone with a son as well. Braden. He is 2 years older than my son and they get along great. They have always loved each other. I know braden’s mom had sadly passed when he was 1 and and about a year into mine and his fathers relationship he started heavily drinking. I felt bad for Braden so I did not leave him. I went through abuse all the time.

About 2 years ago I miscarried and honestly it was a blessing in disguise. I would have loved my child no matter what if it was born but I feel that if it was born it’s life would be messed up. 4 Months ago braden’s dad left me and him all alone it was just me and the 2 boys. Now 10 and 12 years old. I am obviously taking care of his kid he needs me but what do i need to do. I think I need a lawyer but I can’t offered that. I would usually leave my kids with my sister and her son who is also like a brother to braden and jade but she does not want them coming over anymore. Mainly Jade. Him and My nephew Drew were being boys and pretended to be married to each other as a joke. My sister took this way to far and now thinks it’s inappropriate for them to be together anymore??!????!!!!! Anyways.

What do I even do about any of this I just cry and cry all the time. Jade is asking if braden will stay with us forever. And braden wants to know if he is going to see his dad soon. IDK WHERE HE IS?!!?! I can’t afford this. I work full time and have at least Jade enrolled in the only school in my area I can afford. Which is a nature camp where about 8 kids go hike and explore all day which i love and the teacher is great with Jade as he has ADHD and is very difficult but what about education? I wonder sometimes I do flashcards and math with him to make sure it all sticks but I’m worried for the future of him. College? And braden J can’t sign him up for school i need to get guardianship. I’m just so confused and can’t just send braden away but i feel I need time to at least get me and Jade in a better position in life.

Any thoughts on what I could do?

 

[pethesedzao]

@emma1em Talk your local social services office to see if you might be eligible for food stamps or other benefits. See if Braden can officially become a foster child, and you his foster parent, so that you can get $ each month to care for him and so that you can officially be his parent. However, maybe talk to a family lawyer (like a local legal clinic) to make sure this won’t lead to him being removed — or call CPS anonymously to ask about this. Or post on the legal issues Reddit forum and ask them.

 

[drummerdude]

@pethesedzao Yes, try to go through social services but cautiously. Does Braden have any other family around? I know in my state they will try to place children with willing family members before putting them in a foster home.

 

[pethesedzao]

@drummerdude Sometimes known adults (like OP) can be approved by social services as foster care placements. The problem is that if OP is defined as being a “kinship placement”, I think they sometimes (perhaps depending on the state) don’t get the financial help foster parents do, which it sounds like is needed here.

 

[pethesedzao]

@spibbs That’s good! In the US I believe it’s usually different.

 

[kingdomkings]

@pethesedzao Yes. Please call and get something official in place.

 

[lightandlove]

@emma1em oh mama, this is so tough! assuming you are in the US, please contact your local Legal Aid, they can point you in the appropriate direction for legal guidance and will often do so without cost. you can also call your state’s bar association (the professional regulatory authority for lawyers) for a referral to a lawyer who specializes in custody and family law. custody in your situation is very complex, and will likely require interaction with the courts and CPS.

idk if you have health insurance or Medicaid, but i would also see if you can find a community mental health center to receive low cost/sliding scale counseling service for both yourself and your boys. if your oldest was abandoned by his dad, that’s deeply traumatizing and he will need help from professionals to work through it.

 

[katrina2017]

@emma1em Braden should be receiving survivors benefits if his mother passed away

 

[gopack4]

@katrina2017 He probably is. The dad is getting them (I assume) bc he’s a minor. That might be what he skipped town with. Sad.

 

[lee25]

@emma1em It surely up to some authority to step in to at least locate bradens father or family?

If this was me i would go the route of permanent adoption so that Jade (great name!) has a brother, and so braden doesnt get dumped in the system after which, I would get an IVO on his father for my own sense of security and go after him for support.

Put braden and jade in some child care or pre school, or put them in the scouts if old enough.
Go to every service with a quicksplain eg: a quick way to explain my situation and let them bang heads working it out.
This is what I would do.

I would personally never send the boy away, itd break my heart. Im no mother frecking theresa, but id never be ok again if he went into foster care.
I know hes not your kid or responsibility, but hes just a baby boy and didnt deserve this either.
Imagine how much worse it was for him living with an alco dad?
Id hate to be passed over while witnessing others being enveloped in love.

Id keep him or feel responsible for helping destroy his life even if it wasnt my fault.

This had really hit me, i feel so sad for braden
And I hope deeply you can find a way to keep them together.
If he could come live with me and my son in Australia, we would take him.

 

[lightness]

@emma1em It's baffling no ones tried to look for him at all, your doing great by the way but it's not your fault its great you took him on, but is it legal? I know the cost of it but you need to sort this out.

 

[katrina2017]

@emma1em Ok does Braden have any other family (grandparents, aunts, uncles whatever) someone who can financially help or is willing to take the child at least part time. This story is insane I’m so sorry I can’t believe your boyfriend just walked out on his son

 

[tsgaines]

@emma1em Call DSS. They can help locate his dad through the courts and hold him responsible. This is parental abandonment at least. If there are no other relatives that they (or you) can find this child may end up in foster care. When you report I would make the issue that his father is missing/abandoned him with you. Keep copies and documents detailing any attempt you have made to contact the father and present them at the time of the report (text messages, social media messages, phone calls.) some phone carriers can print out a call log for you or have it available for you to print out yourself with the date, time, length, and inbound/outbound status of the calls. This is important so when they find the father he can’t try and accuse you of kidnapping in order to get himself out of trouble. Have everything from slightly before he disappeared to the date of your report.

You can also just go to the police and they will go from there with DSS and work harder than DSS (more resources) to locate his father. Going directly to the police with your report and documents in hand is probably the best route to go. They move faster than DSS too. After that, let them bring up the subject of whether you want him to stay with you or leave so it is not perceived the wrong way. Good luck, keep us posted.

 

[ruva]

@emma1em wild

 

[katrina2017]

@emma1em You need to look for another family member for this little boy or talk to someone at your state benefit office see what they say to help you.

 

[ladyaloette]

@emma1em Definitely call family resource or community center to see what can be done they can give you more information and help you fill out paper to qualify for food assistance and day care places as well a public school and after school placed as for Braden definitely call cps anonymously if immediate family around him cannot help or you don’t trust them.
Also everyone stfu about the dad she clearly doesn’t know where he is and shouldn’t be near him anyways.

 

[marykaminska]

@emma1em So in my area, there are organizations for people who have children living with them or even have custody of children who are not their own. They help with clothing, camp, school supplies, really everything. This organization is called treehouse for kids if you are local to Washington state.

 

[heavensvoice]

@emma1em See if his dad will sign some sort of form giving you temporary guardianship and then proceed from there. If you call CPS or tell the school he’s been abandoned with you they can take him and put him in foster care.