My 8 y/o daughter came out as bi but she doesn’t understand what the means and I need advice

[ian1978]

@robbiedaug Someone doesn't agree with you or has a different opinion and that makes them transphobic/homophobic and a bigot? Want to throw anything else at me? Islamaphobic? Racist? Sexist?

 

[chess123mate]

@raptureman2020 Mom of a gay daughter here. Our daughter came out to us at 11, but she was showing very clear signs ever since elementary school that her interests lay with girls, so we weren’t exactly surprised. Things like:

Posters of Taylor Swift and Hannah Montana in her room, not One Direction

Demanding to know who the “pretty girl” was in any movie we suggested seeing

Developing intense emotional crushes on girl friends while having virtually no interest in boys

So it’s definitely possible for your daughter to begin realizing her sexual preferences in elementary school. My daughter has a gay friend who came out in kindergarten.

I would think about whether your daughter has exhibited any age-appropriate interest in girls in the past, such as the types of things I mentioned above. That might give you a better idea of how long she’s been having these feelings.

But what I would NOT do is invalidate her feelings. Don’t tell her she’s too young, don’t tell her she’s mistaken, don’t tell her she’s just imitating her aunt. Just reassure her that you’ll support and love her regardless of who she ends up loving.

And just so you know, it’s completely normal for LGBTQ kids’ sexuality to shift around a bit. My daughter started out thinking she was bi, then decided she was a lesbian, then went back to bi for a while, and is now firmly in the lesbian camp. She also thought she might be genderfluid for a while. So if she does turn out to be gay, don’t be surprised if she changes her mind about what she is a few times—that happens a lot.

 

[kprado]

@raptureman2020 Hello, bi person (assigned female at birth) here, I was sexually interested in women from the age of about 5, I liked their boobs and their faces and all the things about them really, and I also liked men, I didn't know the word for bisexual much later and just thought something was wrong with me until then, but when I found the word it was like everything clicked into place, dont discount her man, she really may be bisexual.

 

[pinktuesday]

@raptureman2020 I mean, does she play “marriage”? Does she play “house”? Does she pretend to drive a car? All of those are adult activities & everyone of those children practice or play to come to an understanding of what they mean. Same can be true of her “dating” other people, whether a boy or girl. I mean, I had a “boyfriend” in Preschool that I stated I would “marry someday” repeatedly. It wasn’t sexual. We picked each other for games & held hands. What would be wrong with her doing the same with a girl her age? It doesn’t have to be sexual, but it is a form of learning that doesn’t have to be weird or involve inappropriateness at all.

Let her “explore” who she likes. If things ever got “sexual”, then pull her back & explain what that is. I truly doubt, however, that it would come to that.

 

[glassoven]

@raptureman2020 She's still a little young to feel the draw either way. Imo

Kids can hear about these things and think they should do something 𝗻𝗼𝘄 when there's no need to be anything but 8 years old.

At any rate, she could vacillate back and forth until she's settled in.

You're correct in that the current issue is trying to come out at this age because..., well, you get it.

Have a little, uncomplicated talk with her about not committing herself until she is older. That kids are likely to tease her if she comes out too soon. She can't really know at this age (may need some hormonal development) to feel who she will really be.

I wouldn't say much more than she's asking as she'll probably be more interested in a TV show about to start than dive in too deep here.

If she wants to declare at some point ask her to talk to you first to confirm she's really right about things or mixed up and to help her decide when is an appropriate age to actually "come out" without being traumatized.

There's no hurry here. It may be better to examine this in a few years. Could be wrong here, of course.

Best

 

[katrina2017]

@raptureman2020 Why does this make you concerened? like at all? My kid told me she was lesbian when she was 9. They know, even if you try to brush it off as not understanding. (Like, when did you know you were straight?)

Using the other kids not understanding as an excuse to make people cover who they are is unacceptable. The kids learn from adults how to treat people. Set an example by treating gay/bi/trans people like all other people and stop worrying your kid by trying to turn this into a problem.

 

[yeli]

@raptureman2020 It's so common. My daughter, and every single 10 and under girl I know of has identified as LGBTQ at some point. It barely warrants a conversation at this age. I asked my daughter why she thinks she's gay, her answer was "because the boys in my class are annoying"

You don't need to explain anything. She's probably too young to grasp it anyways.

 

[shanda3371]

@raptureman2020 If you child came out to you as straight would you have the same reaction? maybe she doesn't understand the full idea of what being bi or a lesbian means, but does that make it any less valid?

 

[raptureman2020]

@shanda3371 Yes I would. Especially when she’s using and identifying as words she doesn’t understand yet. I want her to research and learn what those things are before she comes to conclusions herself.

 

[trumpi123]

@raptureman2020 You want your 8 year old to research sexuality in order to understand it better?

I am not sure that is an age appropriate expectation. It would be more appropriate for you to research age-appropriate resources and provide them to her, or look at them with her - so she can gain this understanding and have support/someone to ask questions to. Then she can come to her own conclusions.

 

[raptureman2020]

@trumpi123 Of course, I’d guide her to the material and help her understand. As she learns more and more as time goes by and still stands by her previous feelings, then I will in no way tell her she’s wrong or whatever. I’ll support her no matter what.

 

[trumpi123]

@raptureman2020

she’s a tad bit too young to know just yet

You already did tell her that she was wrong tho?

 

[raptureman2020]

@trumpi123 No way. I told her I support her either way. I just want her to one day be educated and be more informed to better understand her own position

 

[kimserico]

@raptureman2020 Would you have that reaction if she said she was straight? we all have biases.

 

[raptureman2020]

@kimserico Yes I would. It’s not about whether she’s straight or not, it’s about labels and how those labels can and will affect her in different ways in society. And at 8 y/o, I think that’s a bit too young to fully understand the scope of it. Any decision or realization she makes in life.

 

[trumpi123]

@raptureman2020

about labels and how those labels can and will affect her in different ways in society

So to translate: You are fine if she were to identify as straight because others (eg: religous school) will not take an issue with that. You are 'concerned' if she were to use queer labels to describe herself or her experiences, as you feel that at 8, she is too young to deal with or understand homophobia. Thus, she should not express this exploration/part of herself until she can understand that by doing so she may encounter struggle.

Please understand, that although your position is coming from a place of care and fear - it is a position that is extremely privileged and harmful. Many kids do not have the option to hide their queerness and doing so (or trying to) does more harm than good. She is already experiencing homophobia at school regardless of her label.

Homophobia exists. Part of learning about queerness is learning about homophobia. It is important to talk about homophobia and hate crimes (yes, even at young ages) when you are in a situation where your child is going to encounter that - regardless of what you do. She is around peers who are expressing homophobic thoughts. Telling her to not talk about it (or label herself) does not protect her - especially in the long run. If she is queer - this can lead to a whole host of issues including, shame, self-hatred, and an increased risk of suicide. You are telling her it is not safe to explore these identities and labels - even at home with you. And even if she is not queer, you are teaching her that being hateful is okay/acceptable, and that it is better to conform, hide or stay silent. Is that what you want to teach her?

 

[kimserico]

@trumpi123 This right here

 

[queen_vashti]

@raptureman2020 You did well.

 

[bsharp61]

@raptureman2020 I think you handled it well. Maybe have her aunt have a heart to heart with her about it if young aunt is ok with it

 

[camituti]

@raptureman2020 when i(f) was 7/8 i had a girl that i made out with sometimes at school. of course back then i didn’t know what it meant until yearsssss later. just make sure you’re understanding with her and teach her not to care what others think about her