My 8 y/o daughter came out as bi but she doesn’t understand what the means and I need advice

[katrina2017]

@raptureman2020 My daughter is 7 and says she’s gay and has a girlfriend. Doesn’t really matter, if she said she had a boyfriend I’d also assume this wasn’t the person she’d marry, so I continue to let her self define. She likes experimenting with gender expression as well, and generally reacting with ‘ok’ is working.

 

[randomthought12]

@raptureman2020 Dont tell her that her feelings are wrong. A person's orientation can change and evolve. If she identifies a certain way then support her. Seems she understands some people like boys, some girls and some both. There is no need to pretend that there is a difference between her crushing on boys and girls

 

[mkrist]

@raptureman2020 The homophobic point here is... Why do you question her when she says she likes girls and not when she likes boys?

Like you said, she's 8, she's developing and maybe now she realized that she can like girls. Maybe she did before but never said anything about it. Maybe she never liked a girl before. I don't know, I'm not your daughter, but neither are you.

She has to experience herself to get to "understand" everything, as you say. It's not like you get 15 and suddenly get everything out of nowhere.

I know someone who's mom had a similar conversation to her. Mom always said loud and proudly "I support gay 1000%" but when the moment came to her daughter she took it really seriously and gave her the "you suuuure?" that invalidated those feelings for a long time, she even thought it was "just a phase" most part of her life. She was younger than 8.

She told me several times that if she would have been validated at that time everything would have been different for her. Her whole life. She would have been way happier.

Why is ok to like boys but when it's different the topic HAS to be treated really seriously because "she's only 8"?? Really, WHY?? Is she too young to get lgtbiq for you??

She is going to know what she likes and what she doesn't by herself, don't worry about that. She's way smarter than you can even imagine, as all kids are.

Maybe she even ends up not liking girls or maybe she does, but that doesn't concerns you at all.

What you have to say RIGHT NOW is just "oh honey, remember that talk we had?? That was really stupid, I'm really sorry for saying that to you. About your crush that's sad, she doesn't know what she's loosing, you are the best!!" and give her a hug and a kiss, don't even mention the sexuality stuff again, and definitely don't give her a hard thesis about sexuality and a talk just because she said she liked someone that you didn't expected.

Treat it as it is nothing!!!

And bytheway, if the school she's in could not accept her or bullying could be a problem just support her, love her, and get her out of that shithole ASAP.

I'm mad now, I feel sorry for your girl...

 

[jameshelp]

@raptureman2020 Hello, gay person here - I think it's really important to treat crushes on boys and crushes on girls as the same. If she doesn't know enough to really know if she's gay or bi, she doesn't know enough to be hetero either. Crushes on boys are just as easily mirroring the het people in her life she admires, like you. Everything could be mirroring, or it could be the root of something real.

Treating one like it is normal and cute, and the other like it is alarming and for older people? That's confusing. That's showing there's something different about liking girls, it doesn't get a positive reaction like liking boys does. Being straight is ok and cute, but being gay is a rash decision. An unspoken bias, even if it comes with a reassurance that if it's got to be like that, well that's ok. "(I.e. cute)" in your post shows bias as well

My parents reacted a lot like you did. Delighted and charmed if I talked about liking a boy. Supportive of the possibility, but anxious at any gay leanings. Even out of concerns for my well being and safety, at a young age I absorbed that there was this...."not-okness" about it. It made my parents uncomfortable and they wanted me expressing interest in fellow elementary girls to go away. Talking about liking boys was encouraged, almost an opposite reaction.

It had some negative effects as I grew. I really wish my parents were more neutral, in both little kid crush talk directions.

 

[kings73186]

@raptureman2020 OP, how old were you when you realized you were straight?

You probably never had to think about it, because our heteronormitive society means straight is the default. She may very well have a crush on that girl.

That being said, your concerns surrounding her homophobic classmates are 100% valid.

I would suggest you both learn about bisexuality, separate and later, together, in an age-appropriate way. I would say at 8, it would be age appropriate to see pictures of girls holding hands. A common misconception people have of women-loving-women relationships is that there is always "the girly one" and "the butch one", so show her that isn't always the case. You could learn about bisexuality stereotypes, and ask her if that seems like something she is I terested in or not, always reassuring her there is no right or wrong way to be bi.

As for your concerns, I would advise her to keep her sexuality to herself, while explaining it's not wrong, it's the homophobes who are wrong, and you are protecting her from their hatred. If you do this approach, you'll have to make sure your home feels 100% welcoming and accepting so she knows that is where she can be completely herself. This may involve some soul searching on your own.

 

[capenterslake4me]

@raptureman2020 did you assume she was straight in the first place?

 

[saulfactuspaul]

@raptureman2020 I'm very curious why you think she needs to understand sex before she is able to know who she's attracted to, yet (I'm guessing) wouldn't say the same to a kid who showed an interest in the opposite sex.

I'm also interested to know why you as a parent haven't explained to her what sex/sexuality are. I asked my parents "What is sex?" when I was 5 years old and got the basic medical facts learnt then.

I feel like you can explain these things to her and still "believe" her and just know that whether it's true or not, she'll figure it out as she gets older. Because most likely all she took from this conversation is "Mum doesn't believe me".

 

[chd62]

@raptureman2020 I think it sounds like you know your daughter far better than a bunch of redditors. I think telling her that there’s nothing wrong with liking girls but that she’s too young to for sure know one way or the other is fine. But if you think she’s merely emulating her admired aunt then just tell her that she has plenty of time to label herself and that she should keep an open mind for a few more years. It’s normal for her to think a girl is cute or a boy is cute. Thinking something or someone is pleasant to look at doesn’t have to be about sexuality, it can just be pleasant to look at.

 

[donna8558]

@chd62 I’m curious; would you say that to a child if they expressed a crush on the opposite sex, that they’re “too young to know”? Because nobody ever does, they only say it to queer kids. She might very well change in her sexuality multiple times as she works it out. But is there a valid reason to minimise it with “you’re too young”?

 

[emdee]

@raptureman2020 Exposing very young kids to complex mental shit like gender identity seems unnecessary as they will have the chance to revisit them as they grow older as their physical brains develop more as well. If you introduce the concepts very early on or give them unfiltered internet access, exposing them to those concepts, I think chances increase that they actually get more confused and depressed that they can't figure things out. I can't imagine an 8 year old being given differential equations or uni level philosophy tests, so why should they be burdened with uni level psychology topics applied to themselves?

 

[bjorn]

@raptureman2020 I'm just going to point out that if she told you she liked a boy, you probably wouldn't question her heterosexuality, call it a rash decision, or to first understand sexuality. I think explaining things to her is just fine, but I wouldn't go as far as telling her what to do or which feelings to put on hold. Honestly I wouldn't feel comfortable if my daughter had to attend such school. Just my thoughts. Good luck.

 

[ggirl1986]

@bjorn Yeah I'd be bummed about exposing my kids to people like that whether or not my kids were cishet.

 

[ian1978]

@raptureman2020 I think you did fine. One of my nieces at 12 years old told her mother that she felt like a boy. When asked what did that mean she didn't know. She came up with she wanted to dress more like a boy, okay what does that mean? Wear jeans and plain t-shirts. It was pointed out that's what she was wearing. Do you want to date girls, no. It finally came down to a haircut.
Two weeks later she was talking about dresses.
Peer pressure can be good and bad and you see a lot of this in middle school.

 

[ian1978]

@robbiedaug What is cishet? No family pressure, but there was definitely peer pressure. She only liked to hang out with kids who were considered "outcast". So the kids that were self-harming, had hard home life, the ones that didn't fit in, kids who were LBTGQ, the kids who were just "different". So she wanted to fit in because she was one of the few in that group who was straight.

 

[robbiedaug]

@ian1978 It means cisgender/heterosexual and there is far more pressure in society to be those rather than to be LGBTQ. If you don't know what cisgender means, you should look it up.

It makes me sad that you categorize LGBTQ as "outcasts". Your daughter sounds like she is exploring her identity and like she doesn't feel accepted. Do you live in an area with a lot of transphobia/homophobia? Is it possible she isn't cisgendered/heterosexual and you want to attribute that to "peer pressure"? When our kids tell us who they are/how they identify, it's our job to believe them and support them, not look for ways to invalidate them. Kids explore their identities and that's normal and natural and healthy. What's unhealthy is to reject their identity because for whatever reason you don't agree. Your daughter is identifying with peers who are either in pain, being rejected because of bigotry, and are feeling like they aren't accepted so please ask your child how they identify and support them.

ETA: You may not think there is familial pressure on them to be cisgender, but I am reading the pressure in the questions your family asked them. It was clearly designed to trip them up and get them to question what they're telling you. You may not realize it, but your entire reaction is riddled with transphobia. Did it occur to you that they're hanging out with the LGBTQ crowd because they relate to them? And maybe that there are kids in that group who are self-harming because they don't feel accepted?

Edited 2 words

 

[robbiedaug]

Edit: sorry, I mean your sister's child

 

[ian1978]

@robbiedaug So now I need new words to identify the fact I'm heterosexual? I need new words to identify me? I can't just be straight?

As for the rest, it wasn't my story, I told it as it was told to me.

 

[robbiedaug]

@ian1978 You're being incredibly transphobic right now. If your family member is trans, do you know how much more likely they are to commit suicide? Please educate yourself and stop with the self-righteous indignation. You're not a victim.

 

[ian1978]

@robbiedaug I'm really not. The whole point of my post was that kids are very much into following what their peers do, what the important adults in their lives do, and how they go from liking something to not liking it week by week.

 

[robbiedaug]

@ian1978 I believe that you don't think you're transphobic, but many of the things you are saying are transphobic/homophobic. They're most likely things you learned from society and don't even realize are hurtful/harmful. It would be nearly impossible to live in a society that has our bigoted history and not possess latent homophobia/transphobia. It's not just you, I constantly have to be aware of the ingrained mentality I grew up with and challenge myself by listening to what people are telling me and by seeking out supportive resources and communities to help me weed out those biases that were put there without me even realizing. I know you don't think you are doing anything wrong, but please be open minded. Just the fact you got so defensive about the term 'cisgender' tells me you possess transphobia. You also once again conflate gender and sexuality by asking why you can't just be called "straight"; gender identity and sexual identity are completely independent of one another.

What happens if your sister's child does identify as a boy? You're going to need to educate yourself on how to support them. Saying any one of the many unknowingly bigoted things you've said is potentially harmful to them. And it's clear you live in a bigoted community if the LGBTQ kids are being considered "outcasts". This child is going to need as much support and validation as they can get. Suicide rates for trans adolescents is a frightening reality that should not be brushed off, especially if they are relating to kids who practice self harm.

Here is an article discussing the tragic statistics of suicidality amongst trans adolescents.