My 7 y/o cries about daddy being mean to her

[gratitudeisthebest]

My ex and I have been separated since 2017 and divorced since 2018 when my daughter was 3. Since day 1 she has hated leaving me to see her father or even answer FaceTime when he calls. She says it’s because he’s mean to her. When I’ve overheard their conversations he “jokingly” calls her a piggy or fat or says things to get a rise out of her (like her best friends are his best friends or she’s a robot… etc)

I have told her to she can ask him to stop because it upsets her and if he doesn’t she has my permission to hang up. But in person is another story. I’m really at a loss for what I can do to protect my child from a verbally aggressive parent.

Would a counselor be able to help her navigate their relationship better if it’s only her attending?

ETA: in April, while my daughter was on FaceTime with her dad he asked her what she was eating. She put the phone down and quietly told me she didn’t want to tell him she had a cupcake and I said she didn’t have to. She went back the phone and told him what she was eating except the cupcake. This was a HUGE red flag to me because he would always control what I ate when we were together. (The pediatrician is not concerned with her weight)

 

[teresabw]

@gratitudeisthebest I would document everything and maybe even approach him with your concerns (documenting his reaction also). If you can afford it, I'd look into hiring a play therapist so help your daughter work through whatever goes on when she's at his and reduce the chances of these comments having a long lasting effect.

 

[splendidbliss1960]

@gratitudeisthebest Yes, she needs an advocate who will let her know this is not okay and that she is not all those things. A therapist may even request to speak to dad if she can get him in the room. HOWEVER, your daughter may not tell a therapist any of this if dad tells her to not trust the therapist or if your daughter feels like she might get dad in trouble if she does. I used to see kids in my practice and this was always a difficult situation in divorce cases. Regardless, you can tell her that you are sorry she is experiencing this, and you know words hurt even if daddy says he’s kidding. Give her a couple of phrases to say to him, like “I know you are kidding, but it still hurts my feelings,” or “I know I’m not what you say I am.” It’s important that she speaks a truthful statement after he speaks a false one to her. Even if dad continues, she needs to learn to affirm herself in the moment. What a horrible thing for her. How often does he see her? Are there any other adults in his household?

 

[gratitudeisthebest]

@splendidbliss1960 He does not see her regularly maybe once a month in spring and fall.. one big trip in summer… and once every other month in winter.

He has a wife and my daughter told me they fight a lot. But she is a good step mother. In fact, if my ex comes to pick her up she will scream and cry but if her step mom comes to get her she’ll leave with no issue.

 

[splendidbliss1960]

@gratitudeisthebest Maybe you can speak to the stepmom and ask that she let dad know this is affecting your daughter. After my divorce, my kids’ stepmom became a good buffer between them and their critical father. It would help your daughter to have an ally in the household where this is happening.

 

[splendidbliss1960]

@gratitudeisthebest Regardless, know that what YOU give your daughter on a daily basis will have a great impact on her. Expose her to other males (grandfather, uncles, family friends) who can affirm her as well so she doesn’t crave unhealthy male attention when she is older.

 

[katrina2017]

@gratitudeisthebest I’m so sorry your daughter has a parent doing this.

I had the same as a child and teen. Swap robot for alien and it’s pretty bang on. Throughout my life it has greatly affected my mental health, relationship with food, body image and relationship with my family. I’m now no contact with my mother.

I’m not sure how to get him to stop, but please do get her in to talk to someone who can help her navigate the feelings it is causing her.

Wishing you all the best with this.

 

[faithfulchristian12]

@gratitudeisthebest My heart breaks for your daughter, I’m so sorry she has to put up with this.

I certainly think a counselor or therapist could make a positive impact. Would give your daughter a third party outlet, allows the opportunity of perspective, and also creates a paper trail should you decide to bring this issue to light within the realms of your custody agreement.

Also, I’m not sure if you have already, but a stern discussion and/or warning to your daughter’s father about his behavior is more than warranted at this point. Explain the effect his words are having on your daughter and describe the ramifications of continued verbal abuse. If you guys don’t have a relationship where a phone call would go over well, an email could be a good option too. Adds to the paper trail mentality and avoids the stress of contact if that’s present in your coparenting dynamic.
Additionally if you have had a conversation already, a follow up email citing the conversation that was had could work too.

I’m sending you and your daughter a big hug and all of my support. Please keep us posted.

 

[gratitudeisthebest]

@faithfulchristian12 Thank you for the support. Her father and I have a hard time communicating. Typically any attempt to reason on my part is met by retaliation and him weaponizing custody.

He once didn’t see her for a month because he was traveling and asked to have her for the weekend he came back. We had already made plans and his response was to demand he have her for every weekend the following month.

Most recently he again was away for a month or so and when he came back he asked to have her that weekend. She had just signed up for Girl Scouts so her next available weekend wasn’t for 2 weeks. He responded by telling me his 3 week summer vacation with her would probably be more like 4.

Moving forward I will be sticking to our custody agreement to hopefully prevent these types of retaliation. But I find him very intimidating so I’m going to work with a therapist myself to stand up for my and my daughter.

 

[faithfulchristian12]

@gratitudeisthebest God reading this just sent me back to the shit I’d have to deal with with my son’s father when he was younger.

I’m so incredibly sorry. I know that feeling. Truly.

I’d be so angry at whatever situation was occurring at the time (there were a lot similar to what you described), yet when I’d confront him I’d get tongue tied, emotional, and feel very small.

I’m sending you all the strength vibes I can, and I think it’s an amazing idea to consider therapy for yourself to deal with the situation and provide you with the courage to say what you need to say without feeling threatened. Something, in hindsight, I should have absolutely done. Love this idea more than I can express.

My son’s father used to threaten me with “getting full custody” too. It used to scare the shit out of me. The truth of the matter is, that the threat he presented was ridiculous, impossible, and downright ludicrous in expectation.

This is subjective to what state you reside in of course, but family court is generally realistic. I’m assuming from your initial post that upon request, you’d be able to provide proof that your daughter relies on you the majority of the time. Details aside, you’d have to be in a pretty bad place personally for ANY court to ever take custody away from you or even award him more.

Not even mentioning or considering the fact that your daughter is old enough to speak to a state therapist and provide details of how spending time with that man makes her feel. All you’d have to do, is list her emotional well-being as a cause for concern on court documents and push that fact.

You have the right idea with sticking to the custody arrangement. Whatever is in writing, treat it like law. It can sometimes be a hindrance on your plans, but it gives you something to refer back to when he wants to change plans on you last minute. If he ever pushes back, simply send him a picture of the agreement.

I started keeping a journal recording every drop off/pick up and conversation. Nothing crazy detailed (unless the situation warranted it of course), but just a record of how many times he’d ask to deviate from the custody arrangement we had. IE: when he was late, when he didn’t follow certain stipulations we had agreed upon, etc. (For example, our agreement said that on the days he was to drop off, he needed to feed our son dinner. Rarely did he do that and he’d come home hungry at bedtime.)

Keep up with the journal, don’t slack on it. That way the next time he threatens you, you can respond with something along the lines of “that’s fine, we can go back to court, because I don’t agree with what you’re doing and I’m confident in the records I’ve kept.”

I want to add that I’m definitely not a professional in this area. I don’t have a degree in family law, or in psychology. These are just things that worked for me, but by no means am I trying to tell you how to handle this situation. Hoping to just give you some possible ideas for moving forward. You alone know what’s best for you and for your daughter.

This is tough. On you, on her.. it’s tough. And I can’t express how deeply sorry I am that you have to put up with this shit.

How’s your support system? Family, friends, etc? If you’re lacking in that department and would like to change that, please don’t ever hesitate to reach out. To vent, to scream, to talk; anything.