@grace1 Similar boat with my husband and our kid overwhelmingly preferring me. If my child is crying and upset I am going.to comfort her, especially when he yells at her over something dumb like spilling a bit.of washable paint on the floor while she is painting in the tiled kitchen. Apart from anything else I simply don't find unexplained sterness and random yelling effective at all as a disciplinary technique - she usually behaves better with gentler discipline. I understand that we all get frustrated but personally I think never explaining why certain behavior is inappropriate is lazy parenting and just asking for kids to push back on it.
@katrina2017 The only time I’ve used time-out with my two year old is when she knows exactly what I’m telling her to stop doing and blatantly ignores me. For instance, once she was actively throwing her toys across the room. Just that stage where she was exploring her physical abilities. But I told her to stop and explained why. She smiled at me, picked up a toy, and chucked it. I grabbed her hand, looked her straight in the eye and told her not to throw it again. She immediate picked up a block and chucked it. Time out for five minutes. She sniffled the entire time and when she came off the chair we cuddled on the couch and I told her I loved her and I wasn’t mad, but I need her to listen to me. She hasn’t thrown her toys since and this was several months ago. I don’t use it for emotional things. She may be two, but her emotions and feelings are just as valid as mine.
@noochandthegoodbook She is crying for the idea of a mommy (love and comfort) even if she might not have specific memories of her mother. Take the message for it really is, an expression of wanting to be comforted when she's upset, and try not to take it personally. I am sorry for all the losses that you have had related to your childrens' late mother but your 3 year old can not possibly understand the pain that her words cause you. She is probably just trying to express big feelings without the necessary vocabulary and insight. If she could she might say "Daddy, when you discipline me I feel rejected and alone. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to feel love and comfort."
Both of you probably need some help here...4 little ones by yourself!... the unspoken elephant in the room is mom, who at this point is an idealized comfort figure, especially since they are so young. Until you get a good psychologist, make sure you balance the "dad" part with the "mom" part.
@noochandthegoodbook Is your child in day care? I wonder if she has picked it up from other kids. It is pretty natural for young kids at school to cry for their moms when they are in trouble so I bet she’s just imitating what she had seen at school rather than seeking her mom who isn’t part of her life.
I can’t imagine how painful it is for you. Try not to take it personally. You know what you are doing and sacrificing to provide and care for those 4 children.
@noochandthegoodbook I am sorry for your loss. Im not in the same situation, so my advice may not be the best
Whenever my almost 3 yr old son doesn't want to sleep, or wants a toy that I said no to, he cries for his daddy and that he wants to see his daddy, and he wants his daddy at home. We live in different countries and time zones so it's not something that easily fixable. It breaks my heart, and often I end up cuddling him and delaying sleep time, or I buy a tot. My demeanor definitely changes the moment he starts and I think he has noticed, and I noticed he noticed so I've stopped it, and asking for his dad has decreased since.
Do you start acting differently when she starts asking for her mom? She could have noticed.
@noochandthegoodbook Children are so smart. It still makes you desperate and angry. They know how you feel instantly even if you don't show it. You should try not getting angry at all.
I think the best way is to ignore that and after everything settled just hug her and talk about her mother. She was young but this just makes it harder for her. I was 15 and my sister was 13 when we lost our mother. My sister never got out of the phase of worshiping our mother, I was older and started to see her more as a human being that can do wrong.my sister at 13 couldn't and still at 28 she always says mom did nothing wrong in her life. I think for your little one sth similar happened. She only knows her mother by what others say about her and she kind of made her a fairy god mother of sorts.
Just try to be patient and not get angry.
@katrina2017 Single mom of 4 (11, 9, 7, 5) checking in. It's rough stuff sometimes but we stick together! And I'm 3 years ino this single mom gig and it gets better, hang in there!
I am a midwife, and many women in labour cry for their mothers. Even the neglectful mothers. the absent mothers. the alcoholic mothers. They cry for them anyways. I think it is universal. I don't even think they are calling for their own mothers sometimes. Just Mother. Nature or God or some wisp of half remembered comfort in some maternal arms. In pain, in sorrow we cry out for Her.
@noochandthegoodbook Single dad of 5 here, although their mom is very much alive and involved half time. Just wanted to say that the best way to counteract the cries for mom are to lean into them.
Empathize, tell them how great their mom was/is (even if you don't believe that yourself) and do whatever you can to avoid an even tacit negative reaction.
If they're doing it genuinely, they'll feel safe and heard by you. If they're crying out for mom to punish you, seeing you embrace that will defuse it.
Can never go wrong with saying nice things about their mom, really. No matter now tough it seems sometimes.
@noochandthegoodbook One of my daughters, upon being told that after two hours of Peppa Pig it was time to put something else on for the many visiting grownups to watch, started loudly complaining and eventually said "I want Mummy" when I took her out of the room. I said "That's not going to work. We might disagree on a lot of things, but we don't disagree about you. Mummy wouldn't let you watch Peppa Pig to the exclusion of all else when there are lots of visitors, either." She never tried that again.
Might be worth trying something like that, adjusting per situation.
@montalo Yeah I was thinking that a child will try to see how she can manipulate not only knowing what buttons to push to hurt dad but also to get her way.
@noochandthegoodbook In movies and shows kids call for moms when they are hurt or in trouble. She probably hears other kids do this too. Her 'mom' is likely a magical, wonderful person she has dreamed and built up in her imagination. Just ignore it, I know it's hard.
I have a kid(4yr) with IED and she'll have epic fits she has dislocated my bones, hits, kicks and bites trough my skin while I safely restrain her. She'll yell she doesn't like me, she wants me gone and just unkind things. I calmly let her know I love her and I can see she is upset and that it isn't good for her to be alone right now. What gets me through it is knowing we normally have a loving, fun relationship. And reminding myself that this isn't how my daughter is, that she has hit a point where she can no longer regulate herself. I have to remember this isn't really personal, that she is upset and feeling big emotions that are scary and overwhelming.
What your daughter is doing isn't personal either, but I am sure it hurts and it is okay to feel hurt. Accept that it hurts, and understand/reflect on why it hurts and meditate on what you can do differently to change how you think/feel about it when it happens. If you don't deal with why it hurts, it is going to keep hurting.
@noochandthegoodbook It’s only natural for little kids to want their mom while in distress. It’s hard wired into them. Mom=comfort and nurture, even if you don’t know your mom, or have one. That’s why little kids in abusive households don’t really grasp that their moms are trash people. She’ll grow out of it in time but as hard as it is, it’s normal.
And I'm 3 years ino this single mom gig and it gets better, hang in there!