My (4.5 yrs M) said his (F) friend touched his private parts at preschool

[philtheolus]

My 4.5 yrs old son started going full time to a preschool since about 3 months ago. He was playing with my husband over the weekend and tried to tickle him in his private area and my husband told him "no, nobody tickles you there" "we do not do that" "it is not ok" "nobody should be touching your private parts/penis". Then he said his friend " Thalia" touched him. I told him iam sorry she did that. It is not okay and if she does it again, you say "Stop don't do that" and let me know. He said ok. I tried asking where it happened but he didn't say.

We sent an email to the preschool and the teacher telling them that he said "Thalia" touched his penis and to keep an eye out. Also, that we told him to tell "Thalia" not to do that and it is not ok.

The preschool responded and said they would talk to the kids to keep their hands to themselves and keep and extra eye out. Also, tell him to tell them if anybody is touching him.

I came to pick him up yesterday and his teacher told me that they already told the class to keep their hands to themselves etc. Then she goes on and tells me that "Thalia" is not the type that would do something like that. She said she knows her kids and she is like one of those that says when she needs her space and doesn't like to be touched. Apparently my son and this girl are good friends and are always together. I told her when he told us and that it caught us by surprise to hear that. She said maybe since they are so close, he threw her name out there. I said he has never thrown her name out there but this time he did. All I did was speak up for him and I understand that at this age they are exploring and discovering parts of their body and kids are curious. However, she said that "Thalia" is not curious about private parts yet, and she did not feel like she needed to have a conference with her parents because she didn't think it was necessary.

I could not believe this lady had just told me in sum that she didn't believe my kid and that he was just making it up pretty much.

Part of me wants to pull him out of there and just keep him home with my mom and my 9 Mos old or find a different preschool. I am torn because I am going back to work in a month.
I know I can escalate this and contact the preschool supervisor and tell them how poorly she handled the incident. Definitely they need some training and not to pick sides when someone bring up an incident like that.

What is your opinion? What would you do?

 

[artaterxes]

@philtheolus My son was 5 when he said his step brother touched his penis and it turned out to be true. There’s no such thing as overrating when being a voice for your child

 

[artaterxes]

EX step brother

 

[philtheolus]

@artaterxes Thank you. Sorry that happened to your son.

 

[lulladin]

@philtheolus Something similar happened with my 3.5 year old. Our experience with admin of the daycare was very different from yours and they did a lot of due diligence so I can’t speak to that. But my 3.5 year old said her friends name (also a girl) touched her vulva.

Turns out friend was smoothing out my daughter’s tutu during dress up. So while technically her hand did touch her “vulva” (what my daughter said) it was more like her hand passed over that area while smoothing out a skirt. So what my daughter said was true, however it was innocuous. Hopefully this helps you feel a little calmer about what could have possibly happened.

 

[philtheolus]

@lulladin Thank you. We thought maybe it happened while they were at the playground or something, but the response I got from his teacher was just not what I what I expected to hear.

 

[crink]

@philtheolus If this was my child I would a 1000% be bringing this to a supervisor. As a child who was sexually abused myself I would/will do everything in my power to ensure my child and any other child isn't being abused. Please reach out to the supervisor.

 

[philtheolus]

@crink Thank you. I did that via email (originally), now I have to go tell her what the teacher told me and pretty much put her on blast which I hate doing, but I have to figure out how to bring it up.

 

[emtbag]

@philtheolus So what I’m hearing (and this could be a reach) is that the teacher thinks they know all and a child couldn’t possibly be being abused at home otherwise she’d know. A child touching private parts doesn’t necessarily mean a kid is being abused at home but dont teachers have a responsibility to report behaviours like this? Nobody has eyes in the back of their head and you can’t have your eyes on every single kid at every single second of the day. The friend might have been trying to hide it.

Also it could just be innocent tickling behaviour between kids that went too far, but either way if I was the mom of the girl I’d be pissed if I found out the teacher didn’t tell me about this so I could at least teach my daughter better boundaries.

My husband and i pinch each others butts all the time so I’m sure I’ll be getting a call someday about my daughter pinching someone’s butt. I do my best to teach her not to… but kids aren’t perfect.

Also yes, you should probably take this higher up.

 

[daniellemarie17]

@philtheolus My daughter only mentions the name of one of her preschool friends, she’s 3.5. She would likely use his name if she needed to reference anything one of her other friends did.

That being said, since the preschool teachers didn’t see the event, they have no way of knowing what happened and who was involved. It’s best for them to teach a lesson and keep an eye out for any behavior like that.

I can understand how uneasy about the whole situation you feel, but it is normal at 3 for kids to start talking and asking about genital areas. I would make sure all bathroom visits are supervised and that your son knows he needs to go to a teacher if someone tries to touch him.

 

[kelbiiz]

@daniellemarie17 Completely agree. My son only ever names one friend for absolutely anything that happens at preschool, despite playing with like 10 other kids. Based on this common experience, the teacher and school should be keeping an eye on this with all children. It should not have been brushed off like it was. It may not be Thalia, but it could be someone else.

 

[daniellemarie17]

@kelbiiz I agree. I’d for sure talk with the daycare director. Though it sounds like they did have a conversation with the whole class already and I would imagine they are watching them much closer. These events are serious and I can’t imagine they weren’t actually taking it seriously. I’m going to assume the teacher was trying to calm the OP down and didn’t use the right words at all (she was kinda put on the spot and probably feeling defensive). I definitely think she should talk with the director and make sure they are doing more to watch out for and supervise all of the kids better.

 

[philtheolus]

@daniellemarie17 Thank you. I have told him to tell the teacher and tell me and/or dad. But after that conversation with the teacher, I don't know if I trust her.

 

[katrina2017]

@philtheolus Childhood educator here, so her telling you to bug off is pretty rude to say it diplomatically.

About Thalia, Kids do go though phases where they try to explore without sexualities attached to it, just like they like to explore everything else BUT as you said there are other methods such as books specifically for kids to learn that.

The Teacher should be keeping an eye out because it could be "harmless" in a sense but she needs to be taught nhose boundaries. They should also keep a closer look at her and maybe write some observations in different situations cause it could as well be abuse.

I would take this to Boss and just talk to them about how you feel that it affects you and your child and what they will do to make sure your child is safe and cared for.

 

[natalya1]

@katrina2017 So many comments about bringing this to the boss what I wanna know is:
What would you converse with your child in such case? What and how do you explain to them?

 

[katrina2017]

@natalya1 It really depends on the parent, boundaries, respecting those, no touch zones etc. There is no one answer, it's about the parent and their parenting style.

 

[natalya1]

@philtheolus So many comments about bringing this to the boss what I wanna know is:
What would you converse with your child in such case? What and how do you explain to them?

 

[newelijahneeded]

@philtheolus Escalate to her boss. She gave you a crap answer. It's misandry.

 

[heartguy]

@philtheolus This teacher essentially called your son a liar. I would absolutely pull him. I would never trust her character. That is basic child safety that she is mishandling at an incredibly vulnerable age.

 

[philtheolus]

@heartguy Yes, this is exactly what I thought and iam very upset that she had the nerve to tell me that to my face when I picked him up the day after. My husband dropped him off in the morning and she didn't say much to him. Today, she was super nice and telling that he is doing very good etc. I do not get a good vibe from her after that. Thank you.