My 2.5 year old is a DICTATOR and it’s hurting our relationship

[davis83]

@onlyjesus316 It’s your job to set the boundaries and his job to grieve them. So if you can’t hold him right when he wants you let him know and it’s ok if he melts down. Or if he wants cereal for breakfast but that’s not on the menu, you tell him “today we have sausage or eggs” and if he melts down, he melts down. It’s ok for him to be sad, angry etc. Also some of the Dr. Becky stuff on deeply feeling kids may be helpful here if you think your kiddos fits those traits. It’s hard and you are doing a great job.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@davis83 I have misophonia and am overstimulated all the time so I definitely give in a lot (unless I’ve set the boundary already) But he’s so quick to get used to that, it seems like any slip up guarantees to set us back 5 steps. I’m just perpetually exhausted. I cry so much because I truly feel like he’s killing me slowly and I pray everyday to go by faster to get out of this stage. It’s been a brutal form of torture since he was born, I never knew I would have to go through. It’s hard not to resent him and I feel like a monster for it.

 

[atheist66]

@onlyjesus316 Hey OP, I'm an ADHD mom with misophonia of an almost 3 year old. I have active noise cancelling Bluetooth earbuds ( not just earplugs). With one long press they can alternate between total blocking and partial. When my son tantrums I put the high block, it gives me the headspace to hold the boundary and be there for him emotionally.
For your self, I would recommend looking into PDA ( pathological demand avoidance) strategies to weather the storm.
I also had to work a lot on the idea that a meltdown is not an emergency, should not be avoided all the time and doesn't mean anything really - that's easier to do when you don't hear the ear splitting shrieks that make it impossible to function.

 

[wmaphumulo]

@atheist66 This is excellent advice. Another ADHD mom here who works with toddlers all day, so coming home and having to listen to a meltdown (or sometimes even just loud playtime sounds) can be overwhelming. My earbuds really take the edge off and make it easier for me to calmly ride out the tantrum when I set a boundary that my 3 year old isn’t happy with. I realized I was giving in more often in order to avoid a tantrum that I really didn’t want to listen to, and the earbuds have made it much easier for me to stick to those boundaries. Another user mentioned that the tantrums often get worse initially when you’re being firmer and that was the case for us, although it has absolutely gotten better over time.

Also totally agree with what you mentioned about meltdowns not being an emergency or something that has to constantly be avoided (and that it’s much easier to accept that when wearing earbuds!).

 

[atheist66]

@wmaphumulo Absolutely! I also think they notice that they have "power" over us with the loud noises and that also made it worse. Modern technology is really here saving my parenting skills with the active noise canceling

 

[wmaphumulo]

@atheist66 same here though, seriously. I constantly recommend it to the parents that I work with because so many of them tell me that they just don’t have the capacity to listen to a tantrum, and that makes it so much harder to stick to boundaries. I think it also triggers something in a lot of us that makes it difficult to stay calm instead of escalating right along with our kids. (Also makes me think that maybe my mom would have lost her shit at me a lot less if this technology existed when I was a kid )

 

[katrina2017]

@wmaphumulo I was thinking ADHD too. For us we really limit choices which sounds backwards to what people recommend but too many choices and it’s a nightmare for our LO

 

[wmaphumulo]

@katrina2017 We definitely have cut back on choices a bit here too for the same reason - offering them too often (even if it’s just two options) can be overwhelming and another opportunity for him to get stuck instead of moving forward with what we need to do. Choices definitely help, but sometimes just saying “all done with x, now we’re doing y” is exactly what he needs.

 

[davis83]

@onlyjesus316 It’s ok to not like every age and stage. There will be another that is for you. I read that letting kids feel frustrated helps them build a tolerance to that feeling. If you can, try to think of the tantrums as him growing and learning. It might feel better to you if it feels productive. The miso phobia thing is so hard because you are always on edge trying to survive. Hang in there.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@davis83 Thank you for understanding me. It’s so so hard. What I feel terrible for the most, is about half the time I get frustrated with him for crying no matter the reason. I’ve even told him to stop crying, or acted annoyed and angry. I can’t help it. He cries so much everyday since he’s also super sensitive. It’s such a trigger for me and my own parents used to get angry at my siblings and I too for this. I’m hoping to start therapy soon but I wish I knew what to do or how to react when he’s crying. Sometimes all I can do is force myself to sit and hold him without saying anything except a huge sigh because inside I am very frustrated and upset myself. I’m not sure if he’s absorbing this energy or not or if the hug is enough… I often feel so much guilt that I don’t comfort him more and that I can be so cold. (Sometimes I am incredibly warm of course, this is just half the time)

 

[blseiple]

@onlyjesus316 for what it's worth I'm in therapy partly for this exact reason. it hasn't really fixed the issue, more just giving coping mechanisms. the best thing you can do for yourself is fine a way to avoid giving into the demands. whether that's noise cancelling earbuds like another user suggested, walking away, singing a song, etc. that will make the tantrums happen less often.

something you could work on when you're calm is talk or write to yourself about how you're feeling. I find doing that rather silly, but sometimes it's surprising what acknowledging things can do for your brain. "I get so frustrated when he is upset even though I acknowledge it's ok for him to be".

be gentle with yourself. snapping at him and then feeling bad about it gets you in a spiral where you're feeling bad and then he cries again and you're in a worse position to deal with it. don't think about how you messed up or how you can't do it. come up with a plan (like walking away to take a few breaths) and then commend yourself when you stick to it

it won't happen overnight - but I promise that the more consistent boundaries will end up being comforting for him even if it begins (and continues with) pushback

 

[onlyjesus316]

@blseiple That’s a really good point you made. The feelings of guilt make it harder for me to deal with these kinds of situations because mentally I’m not in a good place. Avoiding getting into that cycle I think is important, you’re right.

I will also try writing. That’s something that has always helped me as a young child so I think it could definitely be a good tool.

 

[katrina2017]

@onlyjesus316 Yeah therapy may help at least you seem self-aware, toddlers will trigger us in ways we never thought possible however it’s our responsibility to overcome the shitty ways we were raised and try to do better

 

[xdirtx]

@katrina2017 Who else wishes sometimes their toddler could give them SOME credit for being so much more patient than our parents were we are trying so hard, small friends (/foes )

 

[celizabethdavis]

@onlyjesus316 I relate to this so much. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything, but I also get overstimulated incredibly easily and have a hard time with crying. My daughter is almost 2 and most of the time is chill and happy, but lately she’s started to push boundaries more or get upset for seemingly no reason. This morning she got super upset because I wouldn’t let her come with me to the bathroom and she had to stay in the other room with dad (usually I let her come with me, but since my husband was home I wanted to go by myself.) Cue hysterical, non stop crying that didn’t stop even after I came back. I don’t know how to handle her when she gets in moods like that, and I’m definitely guilty of getting irritated, frustrated, or telling her to stop. But then I feel bad because I want her to have a healthy view of her emotions and see me as a safe person to express her emotions to.

 

[carolny]

@onlyjesus316 Echoing everyone else on looking into the ear plugs! I love my Loop ones. I have PTSD from how crappy my childhood was, and this work is SO hard. I sometimes feel like I have twins, because I am trying to (re)raise myself alongside raising my daughter. It’s grueling and exhausting. And can also be incredibly healing. You can get there too. What has helped me the most is rewriting the incredibly negative scripts in my head that convince me I’m always doing something wrong. This is still a work in progress for me, but shifting that harsh critical inner voice has been so helpful. Learning more about child development has helped me better understand and feel compassionate toward my child, as well as my inner child. Certain content on Instagram and podcasts have really helped me with this— someone else mentioned Dr. Becky (good inside), and I also like Janet Lansbury, attachmentnerd, theempoweredtherapist, and SarahBcoaching. I often use their voices in my head to help me out in moments I’m feeling really dysregulated. And it sounds silly, but I’ve been watching a lot of Mr. Rogers on my own too. It really helps tend to those wounded young parts inside of me that didn’t get what they needed, and in turn, that helps me be more present and compassionate with my toddler.

 

[ramonguitar]

@onlyjesus316 Have you tried using earplugs? Loop earplugs make ones that block some, but not all sound. I find they really help me feel less overwhelmed by tantrums and screaming if it’s not so loud.

 

[sadandconfused]

@ramonguitar Came here to say Loop earplugs have saved my sanity with a 2 year old. I can hear everything still, but it’s dull and I don’t get overwhelmed. Worth every penny.

 

[xdirtx]

@sadandconfused Have been sooo tempted by the ads I’ve seen

 

[onlyjesus316]

@ramonguitar I was SO excited to try these because I thought they would be life changing and sadly they didn’t work. I tried both sizes and still didn’t notice any difference in sounds. I’m not sure why they didn’t work for me but I was pretty devastated.