My 2.5 year old is a DICTATOR and it’s hurting our relationship

[rickytheevangelist]

@brh1989 Hello - just real quick, I'm seeing "How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen" by Joanna Faber and Julie King, and "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Do you mind clarifying which one you referenced?

They're probably both great, but I have 2 at this age so really specifically looking for the one that you recommended here. Thanks!!

 

[brh1989]

@rickytheevangelist "How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen"

 

[grace4nan]

@onlyjesus316 My kid is in crazy tantrum mode, but I think the difference may be, it just does not get to me. So if he wakes up and wants to be held standing up, and I don't want to stand, I'd say something like, "ok, you want me to stand up, but I'm tired, and I'm going to sit" and if it continues "ok, the yelling is hurting my ears, I'll be back in five minutes, I can't hold you while you yell". That's just you setting a boundary, he doesn't have to do anything. Get yourself some earplugs. Seriously. It's okay if he sees you use them.

My kid likes to tell me how to drive, and I tell him that's my job, and ignore him. Largely, because I need to concentrate on driving. For the most part, I do not talk to him in the car, my number one job is to get us there safely.

In terms of "boss us around more", that's a response to boundaries. You try and control his behaviour and he pushes back. Just hold firm. I think it will get worse before it gets better. Right now he's an effective dictator and it's working for him. So change your behavior and in time yours should follow. If the screaming gets to you, ear plugs. Just remember a boundary doesn't mean he acts a certain way. It's how you act. You don't want to be yelled at during playtime? You no longer participate in playtime.

Also, can you get your partner to do bedtime? I'm spent by the end of day and just can't. Is that an option for you? I feel like it's a child's most stubborn time of day.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@grace4nan What do you do if they follow you no matter where you go? In rare moments of big anger I’ve had to hold the door closed on the other side while listening to him lose his absolute mind to the point he’s gagging and throwing up from crying so hard and loses his voice from screaming. So it’s not much of a break and it always has a negative outcome that I would rather not leave him. I usually just tell him to please stop or please give me a few minutes or I tell him I need to rest. I feel bad for pushing him away. I would rather leave..I don’t know what to do here.

 

[vera7]

@onlyjesus316 It’s fine to take some space. I once had to push a dining table against the kitchen door so he couldn’t get out (rest of the house wasn’t childproof) and then climb up onto the kitchen counter to just sit and breathe for a bit lol. It’s fine to hold the door shut so you can have some time to gather yourself. It’s okay for him to scream and cry, even if he loses his voice or throws up. You can clean it up.

I might be wrong, but is bedsharing making all of this even harder? Cos even at night, adult time, when you’re supposed to be able to decompress and just be you, he’s right next to you. As a parent it’s hard to truly switch off like that, so it sounds like 24/7 you’re together? It’s okay to move him to his own room now, and to set boundaries around that. At bedtime you both go in his bedroom together, read a couple books, and then it’s time to sleep. Night night, love you, sleep tight, see you in the morning! And then close the door. As long as his room is childproofed. Have a monitor on so you know he’s safe, but give him the space to learn how to fall asleep independently. And get some desperately needed space for you.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@vera7 I think I really needed to hear that it’s okay to take the space and hold the door shut and that doesn’t mean I’m a bad mother for it. I think I’m starting to realize how high my own expectations are of myself as a mother due to my own childhood trauma and I might really be the reason why I feel like I am breaking my back trying to be perfect in every way that I wished my mother was for me. It’s like I made it my life’s mission. I’ve noted this for therapy.

I think the bed sharing isn’t what’s bothering me the most but if he got up and decided he wanted to sleep in his own bed, I would be happy.

 

[vera7]

@onlyjesus316 It makes you a good mother, because it’s much safer than risking exploding. There are times, I’m sure we’ve all had them, where you feel if you don’t get some space right this second you’re just gonna blow. They are little wind-up merchants who know exactly how to push our buttons lol. There’s no malice in it but I stg I’ve never had anyone in my life push me so close to an explosion as my beautiful, adored child!

Also, you’re a human too. You’re not just ‘mother’. You don’t cease to matter. If you need space it’s okay to take it. If he’s safe, he’s fine. Honestly I am all for gentle respectful parenting but the longer I’m doing this (my kid is four atm) the more I realise that actually by being a perpetual unbothered sunny happy mother figure who doesn’t show any sadness or anger at being yelled at or smacked, that’s not helping him learn. It’s okay for him to see you frustrated at times. It’s okay if he yells in your face to stand up and walk away and name it ‘I don’t like being yelled at, I’m going to take a few minutes space then I’ll be back’. Actions and consequences are good things. You’re not a punching bag, emotionally or physically. You honestly sound like such a brilliant mum with a challenging kid (right now), you love him so much to keep trying, you’re trying to find answers. You show up each day no matter how much it takes out of you, you’re learning to be a parent without a good parent role model it seems. You’re the best mum he could wish for. He’s a lucky little lad to have you in his corner by his side while he navigates the insanity that is toddlerhood.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@vera7 Your words really touched my heart. I appreciate them so much. I’ve noted all of your advice. Thank you friend

 

[dreamharp]

@vera7 Ok I just feel the need to pipe in, from a different perspective, I DEFINITELY don’t think it’s ok to hold the door shut on your toddler until they cry so hard they throw up.

 

[vera7]

@dreamharp If you’re alone and have nobody to step in and you’re past your limit and the alternative is to risk exploding in verbal aggression (or worse, physical) then it is absolutely okay to place them in a safe room, close the door, and take a few minutes to breathe, however upset the toddler is. Throwing up isn’t going to hurt them. A parent who is this close to hitting them or screaming in their face or abandoning them to leave the house might. I appreciate if you’ve never been that far gone emotionally it might be hard to imagine. Thankfully I haven’t been in that position but I can well imagine what it’s like if you’ve spent hours placating and reassuring and taking deep breaths and trying to stay calm while being yelled at or smacked and your ears are ringing from the screaming and you know you can’t go anywhere and you’re unwell or have had three hours sleep. Any of us could be pushed that far under the ‘right’ circumstance.

 

[treemoss]

@onlyjesus316 No response is a response. If you're on the other side of the door, you need to be silent and focus on calming yourself down. He knows he will pull you out of that room going nuts. You mentioned being ece certified, I am too.

You need to remember that escalated adults can not de-escalate children. If you remove yourself, don't engage until YOU are calm. To be honest, when my little man went through this I went as far as asking his pediatrician if it was normal... Yeah. Totally normal. She said, "if he is crying, he is still breathing. Let him work through his drama and don't come back to him until he stops." When he stops, go back. If he doesn't, he is still breathing and in a safe space. Let it go.

What I am reading isn't about your son controlling you, this is about permissive parenting biting back and you need to reassess instead of getting defensive towards the commenters here.

There are great suggestions that you simply dismiss because "he will keep screaming". Well yeah, obviously, that's what works for him to get the outcome he wants. What would make him decide to stop?

What I see is that you are doing the same thing he is, on an adult level. You're not kicking and screaming, but you don't want to hear it if someone is telling you that you need to change YOUR behavior.

You are a good mom, because you want to be better but it isn't going to do him any good to only do it sometimes. Stop giving in. Full stop. Close a door between the two of you when he chases you down. Get some boundaries. Stop comparing your child to an adult. He is not an adult. It doesn't matter if he is advanced or behind, you need to get locked in on how to regulate your emotions so you can teach him how to do the same. Get some earplugs and teach your baby you are not his servant.

I'm sorry if this came off as harsh, but you know all of this to be true. So please stop responding telling people your son is dictating your life if you're not going to take suggestions and get a back bone. He will fall behind fast if this is allowed to continue.

Also, look into some family therapy. You and Dad have to be a team or you're going to go nuts (and the grandparents will never fall in line if you're the only "bad guy".)

I'm sorry, this has to be so hard. It has gone on too long and you have effectively taught him exactly how to get under your skin from birth by never setting those lines on when and how he needs to behave to get a response. He says jump and you sure do. Choose to stop that.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@treemoss I had a feeling someone would call me out for being dismissive of comments and I didn’t want to come off that way because I know how that looks. It’s just hard to explain every detail without writing more than a novel that I already wrote. And I grew up with so much trauma, abuse and constant screaming in my childhood that I can’t help how much of a huge trigger it is for me. And I know that part of me doesn’t want to admit that I’m doing wrong here by not letting him throw his tantrums because physically my body trembles and I have panic attacks. I actually see no other option other than to de-escalate him if he’s going too far. I think I’ve realized from reading all the responses here that there is a level I allow him to tantrum and a level I don’t. And it varies by day depending on how I am doing mentally (if I’m having a bad anxiety day or not) because the super intense tantrums are too much for me and I’m terrified I will either 1. drop dead or something from the physical response I have or 2. I tell myself I’m as bad as my parents and feel like a monster. I am aware I really need therapy for this.

I have already been doing a lot of the suggestions I’ve gotten. But absolutely I am positive I’m doing something wrong. I’m sure I’m not doing them enough or consistently. And I know I need to start letting him have bigger emotions than I allow no matter how brutal it is to go through for me. My own survival mode is probably making it hard to be as self-aware as I need to be. I’m going to try to be really extra aware of my reactions to each and everytime we’re having these moments and make sure I’m being consistent.

How do you get others to be consistent with you without nagging so much?

 

[treemoss]

@onlyjesus316 I'm so proud of you for taking advice and doing some introspection.

Just remember, the two points you brought up are your narrative. Not his. Parenting isn't about us and we don't affect them as much as we think we do. Not everything is so deep, but some of it is.

Remember in school when we discussed strong voice vs yelling? Review it until you can break it down Barney style and intertwine it into a play session so he understands too. You know that cognitively he can discern the emotions, so name them. "I am being serious when..." "Being firm looks like...." "Being rude looks like..." "It is not acceptable to...." Drill that cause and affect and model the de-escalation you want to see. Sounds like you want to see more space. Show him what that looks like. "I am overwhelmed, I am going to go calm down. I will be ready for me to come out by being calm and showing me quiet."

This age is about repetition. It is not nagging until he is mid tantrum. That when you went too far and you should have dropped it earlier. Find the spot that he triggers to tantrum and start de-escalating then.

Fussing over him to "avoid" your trauma is forcing you deeper down the hole. Take care of yourself by leaving the room earlier.

I know it was harsh. I'm a mom and a teacher too. Special ed, birth to 8th grade certs... So you and I are on the same page (hopefully) and you know I'm just giving real notes, not trying to hurt you.

Airplane rules babe, your oxygen mask then his.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@treemoss I love everything you said. I think the one thing I haven’t tried to teach him diligently is also respecting MY boundary such as space or sensory space. Just last night he was talking my ear off loudly and I tried to say “shhh” and ask him nicely to please settle down and be quiet since I’m overwhelmed and it’s time to rest. His little lip trembled as he started breathing heavy, turned his head away to hide his tears and cried into his bear. I felt like a bully for hurting his feelings. I think the both of us are too sensitive and it’s often combustion. I hope to find ways to work on setting boundaries better without both of us feeling hurt (or at least my interpretation of me hurting his feelings.)

 

[knowledgeisnotignorant]

@onlyjesus316 Can I just say that you did absolutely the right thing in telling him to be quieter, and his response actually shows that he 1) has the emotional regulation to respond in something other than rage and 2) has the empathy to realize he’s causing you discomfort?

This is something to celebrate, not to feel horrible over. It shows you are parenting right and he is learning and maturing!!!!!! My son does this too and when it happens I hug him, name the emotions, and thank/praise him for being cooperative.

Life is not all rainbows and roses, and many times parenting means watching our children experience “negative” emotions because that’s how they learn and grow.

 

[treemoss]

@onlyjesus316 Sometimes we just need a pep talk. I grew up base coaching peewee baseball as a teen and sometimes you gotta really get to the nerves with those boys lol

Just check your own thinking and pivot. You're so concerned about hurting him you keep hurting yourself. You aren't bullying him, babes. You helped him make the connection that other people have feelings. Don't project adult feelings onto a toddler who is just now capable of realizing the emotional spectrum. Instead, understand they are yours and the rest will follow. It isn't your responsibility to make others realize it eather. Never forget the airplane rules. Your mask first. Toddlers have very low level manipulation tactics. Scream loud enough, the lady opens more gummy snacks. Hit her and get the tablet.

You aren't too sensitive, you're just an empathetic mother raising a future strong man. Keep going doll He will be softer as you're more confident. Second guessing won't help. You have the know-how and the love for your baby, so just pivot at every opportunity.

 

[treemoss]

@onlyjesus316 And towards your last question, no is a one word answer. Stop justifying yourself and just say no and remove him from the enablement and make the redirection private. They'll get on board or you'll have to have a conference style conversation. You have the ece certs, not them. ATM they are a defiant paraprofessional if they don't improve WITH his needs.

He needs structure to feel safe, Erik Ericsons theories were solid.

Informed and intentional adults are consistent. Consistency is structure. Structure is safety.

 

[knowledgeisnotignorant]

@onlyjesus316 I hold the door ALL the time against my son, and I find it to be a very useful strategy as it is a visual representation of the boundary. For instance, our morning routine is get out of crib, diaper change, change into day clothes. I literally hold the door closed until he cooperates and does these. He screamed in the beginning and still will get upset periodically, but he knows the drill so well now that he will look at the door, start repeating the routine to himself, and run to the changing mat.

 

[grace4nan]

@onlyjesus316 It's akin to an oxygen mask on a plane. Put yours on before his. So yea, go to the bathroom, lock the door. It's not a negative outcome though. You are showing him that we need to take care of ourselves first, then others. And it will happen less and less the more you do it.

 

[neostarwcc]

@onlyjesus316 Don’t ask him: “Please this” or “please that.” It’s not a request. Tell him what YOU are going to do.