ramonguitar
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@onlyjesus316 That’s too bad. I found that they just dimmed the noise a little. Maybe you need something more like noise canceling headphones.
My 2.5 year old is a DICTATOR and it’s hurting our relationship
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onlyjesus316
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@ramonguitar I think so, I’m going to look into those!
@onlyjesus316 Do you get any breaks OP? Is he in any type of childcare? If you can get him into a program even just a few hours a couple days a week - that might do wonders for both of you!! You can get some time off and he will learn that he is not ruler of the world. The influence of other children and him not always getting his own way could be great for him!
@onlyjesus316 I feel you for sure. One thing I’ve had to do with my daughter who is the exact same with the wanting to be held while standing only, is sit stoically still on the floor, not engaging with her at all, while she screams and flails at me. Earplugs are a must. If she hits me hard, or pinches me, etc. then I leave. She’s tantrumed up to 10-15 minutes before but I never give in. After consistently doing this, she tantrums less about this particular issue.
You can also do a reset with your kid. Talk with him about behaviors you want to see moving forward and then reward him when he does them. Keep it up with the boundary holding, it’s miserable I know. You’re not a monster, anyone would hate this. Our daughter sounds very much like your son.
You can also do a reset with your kid. Talk with him about behaviors you want to see moving forward and then reward him when he does them. Keep it up with the boundary holding, it’s miserable I know. You’re not a monster, anyone would hate this. Our daughter sounds very much like your son.
@onlyjesus316 Until you fight those battles and stick to it this will just get worse and worse. “you’re feeling really mad mommy isn’t standing up. Right now I’m sitting down. It’s okay to be mad!” If he starts crying that you won’t stand, be there for him emotionally. Rub his back, keep describing how he feels, cuddles, etc. Emotions are really hard for toddlers. They don’t know what to do. Avoiding the meltdowns and giving into the terrorism is literally just training him to keep on this way. Have you tried noise cancelling headphones when you can bear it anymore?
onlyjesus316
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swordofthespirit7
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@onlyjesus316 My husband has a headset by Bose that he uses daily. Push of button you can change them from "aware mode" to "silent mode".
knowledgeisnotignorant
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@onlyjesus316 I'm exhausted reading your post; can't imagine living it as you've been. It's okay to feel like you are losing your mind. Most of us would be feeling the same thing.
One thing that's helped me a lot is the idea that boundaries are what YOU do; they're not what he does.
He wakes up and immediately screams for you. You can hold a boundary by not going in until a set time each morning, and use cue like Hatch light or toddler clock to communicate that. He will scream. That is his prerogative.
He can want you to hold him standing up. You can hold a boundary and say, "Mommy's back hurts. Mommy will give you a hug sitting down." Let him express his displeasure. You move on.
He will absolutely push against those boundaries with everything he's got, but you gotta remember: boundaries are what you do; his reactions are his business.
Enforcing boundaries REALLY work. It's hard work and it really takes time for it to stick, especially at this rebellious age and when you're already in this pattern for so long. However, the longer it goes on the harder it is to change and, most importantly, a child whose parents enforce clear, consistent and appropriate boundaries is a happier child.
One thing that's helped me a lot is the idea that boundaries are what YOU do; they're not what he does.
He wakes up and immediately screams for you. You can hold a boundary by not going in until a set time each morning, and use cue like Hatch light or toddler clock to communicate that. He will scream. That is his prerogative.
He can want you to hold him standing up. You can hold a boundary and say, "Mommy's back hurts. Mommy will give you a hug sitting down." Let him express his displeasure. You move on.
He will absolutely push against those boundaries with everything he's got, but you gotta remember: boundaries are what you do; his reactions are his business.
Enforcing boundaries REALLY work. It's hard work and it really takes time for it to stick, especially at this rebellious age and when you're already in this pattern for so long. However, the longer it goes on the harder it is to change and, most importantly, a child whose parents enforce clear, consistent and appropriate boundaries is a happier child.
onlyjesus316
New member
@knowledgeisnotignorant I’ve noticed that since he was a very young baby, that he’s always been unable to handle a variable boundary. So if I sometimes pick him up right away and sometimes tell him I can’t right now. It’s such a massive struggle for him. He will so desperately cry and grab my clothes to try and climb up and start screaming at the top of his lungs in anger and it’ll happen every time. He does the best with hard boundaries like he NEVER is allowed something. Then he doesn’t have a problem. But if he’s allowed it just one time, only once (usually by a grandparent) then it’s a huge fight.
We actually still sleep in the same bed or he would never let anyone sleep again. He often screams and cries until he throws up or hurts himself. He’s also a very fearful and sensitive child. I don’t mind, I understand him because I know my own childhood and its wounds deeply. But it’s hard to also get woken up in the middle of the night multiple times being yelled at and bossed around. He’s often in his sleep having a nightmare or he’s aware. “Get my water bottle!!! Watteeerrr!!!WATER!!! NO not that blanket!!! Give me the blanket!!! Get me the other blanket!!! That’s MY pillow!!!! Moooovveeee!!!!! No I don’t want that one!!!!” And he often asks me to hold him in his sleep, and I always say “I will lay down and hold you” and he starts kicking the heck out of me and crying/screaming because he wants me to sit up or stand up.
I feel abused at this point and I often question if his intense behavior is not neurotypical I guess for an explanation for the hell I put up with everyday.
We actually still sleep in the same bed or he would never let anyone sleep again. He often screams and cries until he throws up or hurts himself. He’s also a very fearful and sensitive child. I don’t mind, I understand him because I know my own childhood and its wounds deeply. But it’s hard to also get woken up in the middle of the night multiple times being yelled at and bossed around. He’s often in his sleep having a nightmare or he’s aware. “Get my water bottle!!! Watteeerrr!!!WATER!!! NO not that blanket!!! Give me the blanket!!! Get me the other blanket!!! That’s MY pillow!!!! Moooovveeee!!!!! No I don’t want that one!!!!” And he often asks me to hold him in his sleep, and I always say “I will lay down and hold you” and he starts kicking the heck out of me and crying/screaming because he wants me to sit up or stand up.
I feel abused at this point and I often question if his intense behavior is not neurotypical I guess for an explanation for the hell I put up with everyday.
neostarwcc
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@onlyjesus316 “Get my water bottle!!! Watteeerrr!!!WATER!!! NO not that blanket!!! Give me the blanket!!! Get me the other blanket!!! That’s MY pillow!!!! Moooovveeee!!!!! No I don’t want that one!!!!” And he often asks me to hold him in his sleep, and I always say “I will lay down and hold you” and he starts kicking the heck out of me and crying/screaming because he wants me to sit up or stand up.”
I would never tolerate this. Put him in a crib, tell him you won’t let him treat you that way or talk to you that way, and do five minute check ins (see The Happy Sleeper). You have to teach him that it’s not acceptable to treat people this way or you are raising a mean abusivebully.
I would never tolerate this. Put him in a crib, tell him you won’t let him treat you that way or talk to you that way, and do five minute check ins (see The Happy Sleeper). You have to teach him that it’s not acceptable to treat people this way or you are raising a mean abusivebully.
knowledgeisnotignorant
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@onlyjesus316 He sounds very a very strong-minded child! If you noticed that a super firm boundary is needed, then you and everyone around you need to get on top of that.
Also the multiple wakings a night is probably adding to the dysregulatuon. My son is much more easy going by nature, and becomes much harder to handle if he doesn’t sleep well. We sleep trained early, which honestly is just enforcing boundaries around sleep, and he’s done super well.
Just ideas I’m throwing out there. Fully get that you definitely got a very challenging parenting situation. Take care of yourself.
Also the multiple wakings a night is probably adding to the dysregulatuon. My son is much more easy going by nature, and becomes much harder to handle if he doesn’t sleep well. We sleep trained early, which honestly is just enforcing boundaries around sleep, and he’s done super well.
Just ideas I’m throwing out there. Fully get that you definitely got a very challenging parenting situation. Take care of yourself.
@onlyjesus316 This is tough. From your example it doesn’t sound like you’re holding the boundaries. Consistency really works! It’s easier said than done. It will take a lot of work and practice. It’s your job to set the boundary. He can react however he wants to it. Honestly with a lot of this stuff I would ignore it. If he’s yelling at you while playing, tell him you won’t tolerate that behavior. Then remove yourself from the situation. If he follows you and screams, continue to ignore him. It sounds like you are giving his behavior the attention he is seeking.
Is there a chance you are giving him too many choices? I know that generally 2 choices are helpful for toddlers, but maybe these things are too much for him.
You’re letting a 2.5 year old control your house. He can feel whatever he needs to feel, but you need to actually hold the boundary. You have to be consistent before it gets worse. I’d highly recommend therapy for you and your husband. This sounds exhausting.
Is there a chance you are giving him too many choices? I know that generally 2 choices are helpful for toddlers, but maybe these things are too much for him.
You’re letting a 2.5 year old control your house. He can feel whatever he needs to feel, but you need to actually hold the boundary. You have to be consistent before it gets worse. I’d highly recommend therapy for you and your husband. This sounds exhausting.
onlyjesus316
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maelysmaci
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@kingofconquerors Another extremely independent strong willed highly intelligent kid mom over here. I’ve also cried many times over this and his desire to be a dictator over my entire life. He’s 3.5 now and although he has his days the intensity of it has softened (unless he’s tired or hungry or otherwise grumpy).
Maybe it’s a result of their personalities? Hoping that intense determination will result in a strong drive and leadership abilities one day. Hopefully a high power CEO vs a cult leader is what I joke
Maybe it’s a result of their personalities? Hoping that intense determination will result in a strong drive and leadership abilities one day. Hopefully a high power CEO vs a cult leader is what I joke
onlyjesus316
New member
@maelysmaci I am so happy to see others who have a child like mine. It’s been a lonely journey. I think we most definitely are dealing with some future CEO’s 
I know it’ll serve them well someday if they can learn to hone it.
I know it’ll serve them well someday if they can learn to hone it.onlyjesus316
New member
@kingofconquerors Thank you for the solidarity
I will look into Janet.
I will look into Janet.neostarwcc
New member
@kingofconquerors I love her book No Bad Kids: Toddler discipline without shame
@onlyjesus316 I get it. I have CPTSD. I understand you so much that I want to kindly remind you that although he is being really difficult your trauma is playing a big role in this. My mom was also abused as a kid, and somehow projected her problems on me and I've been in therapy for over 30 years. I still can't get my mom saying "you caused this relationship with me" when the power dynamics just aren't balanced. He's a toddler, he sounds like he's being natural but extremely stressful..These times aren't easy but I deeply caution about projecting your mind on him. He can't be a dictator, he doesn't have that power. But you can perceive him as one and either way, you sound like you need some space and time to decompress.
onlyjesus316
New member
@hlcorn3 I guess that makes sense. Since I can imagine another mother who doesn’t have PTSD and more resilience viewing the situation with more empathy and understanding without placing theirselves in a victim mentality. I guess I don’t know how to change this part of me and that’s why I do it. I hope therapy can help me work through this.
@onlyjesus316 Hugs. I'm not trying to invalidate your perspective. I promise, and I'm not even sure if I'm using the right words to convey what I'm trying to say because of how personal the subject is.
Though a lot of my abuse came from my mom blaming all her thoughts and feelings on me, specifically with my son, I get triggered when he yells or screams. That might be a big part of why you might be avoiding meltdowns. When he or anyone else yells or screams, my body instantly starts to panic and yell back.
Step one, in my opinion is separating yourself from your son mentally a bit. He is triggering a preexisting situation. Though you can't always do that physically, just reflecting on it is a huge start.
Step two, get time alone if you can. Or, if you start to feel triggered and he's safe, walk away. If you have a partner who is open to helping tag him in. Leave.
Three, I saw you tried a few therapists and they didn't work out. I completely get that, it's like fucking dating.. lol. Utterly obnoxious. I've been there, it's unfortunately a numbers game in which you remove your experiences over and over until you find someone. Try this: get recommendations for therapists from people who have similar issues The best rating system are the reflections and experiences of other people who have the same needs.
I like to think of mine as a tiny ball of flashing neurons. It does have full intent, experience, logic, empathy, words, ect. It has no greater understanding outside of a new brain developing through the spectrum of human experience. It's not personal. But treating him like he can and telling him these responsible for your feelings will not go well for him.
Though a lot of my abuse came from my mom blaming all her thoughts and feelings on me, specifically with my son, I get triggered when he yells or screams. That might be a big part of why you might be avoiding meltdowns. When he or anyone else yells or screams, my body instantly starts to panic and yell back.
Step one, in my opinion is separating yourself from your son mentally a bit. He is triggering a preexisting situation. Though you can't always do that physically, just reflecting on it is a huge start.
Step two, get time alone if you can. Or, if you start to feel triggered and he's safe, walk away. If you have a partner who is open to helping tag him in. Leave.
Three, I saw you tried a few therapists and they didn't work out. I completely get that, it's like fucking dating.. lol. Utterly obnoxious. I've been there, it's unfortunately a numbers game in which you remove your experiences over and over until you find someone. Try this: get recommendations for therapists from people who have similar issues The best rating system are the reflections and experiences of other people who have the same needs.
I like to think of mine as a tiny ball of flashing neurons. It does have full intent, experience, logic, empathy, words, ect. It has no greater understanding outside of a new brain developing through the spectrum of human experience. It's not personal. But treating him like he can and telling him these responsible for your feelings will not go well for him.