Mother refuses to help keep my daughter on a sleep schedule

[barney]

I live at home and I also have a 10 month old daughter. I work full time as a nurse on second shift, so I get home pretty late. I usually get home from work around 1AM. With that being said, my mother takes care of my daughter while I’m at work. When I come home at night, my daughter is waking up from a “nap” right when I get home at 1AM. My daughter stays up for several hours after I get off of work, almost up until 7 o’clock in the morning. My mom lets her sleep all evening to where she’s wide awake when I get home. When I am off of work, my daughter sleeps earlier because I monitor her naps. She sleeps better and is usually sleep by at least 1AM. I am almost desperate to get my baby on a consistent healthy sleep schedule. My mother makes it difficult by not staying consistent and disregarding the schedule that I set for her. It almost like she’s purposefully choosing not to help me because it will make it easier for her to watch my baby because she’s sleeping.

Any advice on my situation would be helpful!

 

[nessofonett05]

@barney Listen to this

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podca...by-sleep-podcast/id1542455002?i=1000639045906

 

[vel]

@barney Grandparent childcare is tricky. On one hand it’s free and you know baby is with someone who loves them. On the other hand it’s a grandparent. They don’t think they have to listen to you or follow any instructions or schedules. I would write down a set schedule and sit mom down to discuss it and why it’s important.

Try, “Mom, I really appreciate you and everything you’ve done for us. I love knowing baby is with her grandma when I’m working. But she needs to be on a schedule. It’s not healthy for her or me for her to be up all night. Can you follow this sleep schedule? Don’t answer right away. Think about it. Because it’s important enough that I’m going to have to make other childcare arrangements if you decide that you can’t.” Then if she says no or says yes but doesn’t try to follow the schedule I would find a paid caregiver who will.

I used to nanny part time for a family that had the option of full time free grandparent care. But they wanted me there half the time because I listened to them and followed their instructions and schedules. Good luck.

 

[seekinganswersinlife]

@barney If my paid caregiver was disregarding my schedule and intentionally not helping me, they would not be my caregiver anymore.

I’d rather have someone “I don’t know personally” take care of my baby if it means they are acting in the best interest of my family, as opposed to someone I’m related to that acts only out of selfish interests.

If you aren’t willing to change the caregiving arrangement I would suggest managing your expectations for your own sanity.

Good luck.

 

[nessofonett05]

@barney This sounds absolutely terrible. I am so sorry, it is so kind of your mother to help.

It’s very likely she will take your change desire as a personal attack. So I would say to try extra hard to use the “i” language when you discuss it.

Blame your work schedule and say one of your mom friends was talking about huckleberry app or the schedule they use - pick one - and how it’s really helped them be consistent since both parents work and it helps. I don’t know - whatever you have to do.

Another option is if you hire a sleep consultant maybe you can pin the blame on them and say “this is what so and so said we should do and they are a professional“ (insert shrug)

 

[barney]

Thank you all for the advice! I have considered daycare or other babysitters but I would hate to have my daughter stay with someone I don’t know personally.

 

[erin80]

@barney We were very anti nanny for a long time for the same reason. Then circumstances changed and it 100% became what was best for our son. We got nanny (after a LOT of researching of the process, state payroll laws, etc.) and love her. Your daughter might be okay in the long run with shitty sleep but she might not - yup to you to decide what you’re willing to risk

 

[tpham0716]

@barney The alternative is she’s staying with someone who you know personally who is completely disregarding her needs.

 

[ulfhednar]

@barney What’s your daughters schedule? When does your mom let her go to sleep for the evening? When does she wake up for the day? I typically aim to have my kids down for the night between 7-8 pm with a 7-8 wake time.

 

[barney]

@ulfhednar When she’s on schedule, she wakes up around 6:30-7AM, takes a 2.5-3 hour nap around 1pm, then stays up until around 8:30-9. Most of the time, she wakes up around 12am, drinks a little milk and dozes back to sleep. She usually stays sleep until 6:30 again the next day. My mom lets my daughter take 4-5 hour naps, sometimes 6 hour naps, from the time I go to work and come home. Her excuse is that my baby will make her “own” schedule and if she wants to be up she will be up.

 

[lemar349]

@barney Seeing this schedule now, personally I think both of the proposed schedules (yours and your mom’s) are off.

10 months is young to be on one nap. Some babies are low sleep needs and move to one nap early, but those babies typically aren’t going to take a 4-6 hour nap midday. If your baby is staying asleep for 4-6 hours at her “nap” if nobody wakes her up, I think she’s overtired, and would do better with a longer night at least (and maybe back on two naps for a while if she’ll go back).

If 6:30/7AM is when baby is naturally waking, I’d aim to have her in bed for the night no later than 7:30. And if you’re going to stick with one nap, I’d move it earlier in the day (maybe noon, so a 5.5/5 schedule). But most babies this age will do better with a 2 nap schedule, which might also help your mom handle childcare better if she can put baby down for an early afternoon nap and then bedtime is earlier as well.

 

[vel]

@barney She sounds like my MIL who also doesn’t believe in sleep schedules. I let her care for my then 7 month old baby for a 24 hour period once and only once. She straight up told my SIL she wasn’t following any of the instructions I left. I came back to an overtired mess of a baby. I didn’t let her care for him during naps or nighttime sleep again until he was 5 years old, grown out of naps, and could tell her himself that he’s tired and wants to go to bed.

 

[gaconvn]

@barney I think you've probably hit the nail on the head there with your last sentence. It doesn't sound like your current childcare arrangements are sustainable for any of you. If your mom isn't willing to at least try to follow a semblance of an age-appropriate schedule, then you need to find alternative childcare.

 

[lemar349]

@gaconvn But being asleep most of the evening is an age appropriate schedule.

The baby should be asleep when OP comes home, not just going to sleep at 1 AM. The problem seems to be a split night, but that doesn’t mean that a typical early evening bedtime is inappropriate for a 10 month old.

 

[muddsaw]

@barney I’m so sorry this is happening for you and baby. I would have a serious honest conversation with your mom. I’m not sure how your mom even thinks that’s an appropriate schedule for a 10 month old. And honestly you tell your mom if she doesn’t follow age appropriate schedule then she just won’t see her grandchild

 

[lemar349]

@muddsaw

you tell your mom if she doesn’t follow age appropriate schedule then she just won’t see her grandchild

OP lives in her mom’s house. She relies on her for free childcare. How exactly is she going to deny her mom access to the child?

 

[kezi]

@barney Unfortunately “free” childcare is never free. I would find another plan. That kind of schedule and naps can’t be healthy for a 10 month old. I can’t imagine how miserable she (and therefore you) must be.

 

[tpham0716]

@barney Are you paying her? Either way, this is absolutely terrible for your child and you need to find another arrangement.

 

[barney]

@tpham0716 Yes I pay her. I try to pay her at least once a month, sometimes every two weeks when I get paid.

 

[snowyflake]

@barney This changes everything. A lot of people tip toe around calling grandparents out for not following routines because they provide free care. If you’re paying her she should be absolutely doing what you ask. Any other babysitter that pulled this you would never use again.