Logistical issues

[chrissygerzen]

In trying to figure out if we should remain OAD or have another kid, I’m really struggling to imagine how we will logistically handle two kids without feeling super stressed out. If we did have another, our daughter would likely be between the ages of 3-4, so by the time a hypothetical second kid would be going to daycare (12-18 months thanks to a generous mat leave program I have access to), we would have two kids in different places of care for about 3 years until the second could be in school. There aren’t any daycares close to my daughter’s future school so that means we’d have to do two different drop offs and pick ups every single week day for 3 years. This sounds so stressful and not very fun. How are others managing this? Does this factor into how much stress you feel in a day to day if you have two separate drop offs? Would appreciate any feedback and perspectives. Thanks!

 

[katrina2017]

@chrissygerzen 2 kids naturally come with logistical challenges. The specifics will change with each life stage but they normally mean more driving, more coordinating, more compromise,

For parents with a deep desire to have another child, these are inconveniences, but not barriers.

If it feels like a barrier for yourself, then I would personally wonder if you feel your family is complete and are looking for external reasons to justify that.

And no judgement if that is the case. This feedback is coming from someone who is likely OAD by choice.

 

[johnjlk]

@katrina2017 Thank you for this. I love the way you put it - inconveniences vs barriers.

 

[katrina2017]

@chrissygerzen Obviously you know yourself best but I agree with another poster that when there is a burning desire to have a child, the inconveniences are a second thought.

For example, to have my kid, I had to wake up super early to drive to another city every morning in the middle of Canadian winter for several months to have IVF appts. Super inconvenient but I never considered not doing it because the desire of the outcome was always there.

But to do that again when I feel so happy with the state of my current family? That same daily schedule now sounds like a big pain.

 

[chrissygerzen]

@katrina2017 Yes that’s a great way to explain the feeling. I wanted my first so badly I would have done anything. I definitely don’t feel that same desire. More fears than anything!

 

[katrina2017]

@chrissygerzen For me, I realized I was trying talk myself into having a second telling myself it "wouldn't be that bad". The fears very much override any desire.

(Maybe someone else would tell you to ignore your fears and think about the long run, but I can only speak from my own experience and feelings).

 

[greyowl]

@chrissygerzen Not specifically due to drop-offs/pick-ups, but stress levels and overall life logistics are a definite factor in our being mostly decided on oad. Our girl is almost 3 and in preschool 5x a week plus we have some help from my mom with pick-ups and we STILL struggle a lot both working ft. Maybe it’s just our personalities, but I feel I would be quite overwhelmed with 2. Even just having 1 dog and 1 toddler, next week they both need medical appointments that we need to rejigger work for on top of a million other things I need to always remember and stay on top of. A lot of people say the second kid fits right in since they are already in the trenches with one, but I feel like I would be always dropping the ball on something.

 

[chrissygerzen]

@greyowl Yeah this post is just one example of a logistic I’m worried about…. I have many other worries too. I’m mostly leaning towards OAD but some days I have pangs of wanting another child just for the sake of wanting another child and I wish I could make it sound like a good choice in my brain but I always have so many hesitations.

 

[greyowl]

@chrissygerzen I understand. I feel the same sometimes. I remember back to when we were trying to have our daughter, and it was a struggle and logistical nightmare with appointments (ivf baby) but despite everything, I had such a burning desire to be a mom, so I just pushed forward. Despite having really conflicted feelings about staying oad sometimes, I have yet to feel that same burning passion to have a second. And I feel to bring another person into the world, I should have that same intense unwavering motivation

 

[katrina2017]

@greyowl Are you me? Well said

 

[stuart1717]

@chrissygerzen We have two and it is super-stressful for many reasons, the main ones being lack of any family support so it's all on us. At least IME going from one kid to two didn't double the stress; it exponentially magnified it.

We have also done different pick-ups/drop-offs for going on three years now, and will be continuing that way until fall 2025 when my youngest will start kindergarten. Fortunately that has been the least of our worries; both daycare and school are less than two miles from our house, and my husband and I have enough flexibility in our work schedules that separate locations haven't been an issue. It's all the other stuff that's hard!

 

[chrissygerzen]

@stuart1717 We also don’t have family support and that’s a big worry of mine too. The drop offs and pick ups is just one logistical challenge I’m very worried about… I know there will be many other things to deal with too. This is just one that would be an every day thing that wouldn’t improve for over 3 years which is a very long time

 

[freedave]

@chrissygerzen I’m someone who leans OAD, and it’s mostly because of the logistics and the way that my spouse and I parent. We want to be fully involved. And to be real, the logistics are only going to get worse as they get older not easier. Between sports, clubs, music lessons, wanting to go to friends houses, school events, you’re only going to have more things to do over the next 18 years.

 

[petercm]

@chrissygerzen Will you be doing before/after care when your kid is in school? Some daycares offer an escorted walk to and from a matched school, especially if the school doesn't have a daycare in the building. If both kids are in that daycare, you might only need to do one drop-off.

 

[chrissygerzen]

@petercm Unfortunately the school my daughter will go to doesn’t have this option. The school after care only starts at school age vs preschool