Lodging & Transportation Expectations During Parental Visitation?

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brady95crosscountry

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Long time lurker, first time poster!

I need some input from the Reddit community about appropriate expectations during parental visitation.

For background: I (39F) have been divorced from my ExH (47M) for 6 years. Up until last year, we shared 50/50 custody of our three kids (17, 15, and 12) with both parents living in the same town. Last October, ExH moved two states away (I live in CA, he lives in WA). As of now, we have not filed an updated custody arrangement/MSA. He visits every 6 weeks or so. The kids have also flown up to visit during spring break.

Now the issue - ExH is severely lacking in the planning department. In fact, he is so deficient in this regard that he doesn’t plan activites, lodging, or even transportation during his time with the kids. My house tends to be the “hang out” spot while he is visiting. He has spent hours in the house hanging out with the kids because he hasn’t secured lodging that will accodomate all of the kids at once. Except for one night where he got a hotel room, he has been taking advantage of the generosity of friends and acquaintances and couch surfing every visit.

Recently, he pulled up to our house in a MOTORCYCLE. He purchased this motorcycle in lieu of renting a car every time he visits. (His logic is that it’s cheaper to make a monthly payment on a motorcycle than pay for a rental car every 6 weeks.) So, now he will fly into the area and visit on the motorcycle but he can’t actually take the kids anywhere (dinner, movie, etc.) unless my 17yo drives him in his own car. This occurred just a few weeks ago when we were all blindsided by the motorcycle purchase. (Infuriating aside: after the weekend of using my teen's car, he did not reimburse my 17yo for gas.)

So, now my Ex does not have appropriate lodging OR transportation during his visits to the kids.

My questions:

1. Is it wild to expect that he has transportation and lodging when he comes to visit the kids?

2. Is it appropriate to set the boundary that he can’t hang out in the house?

3. And is it appropriate to set the boundary that he needs to have a car that can fit all of the kids when he visits?

4. I don’t want the kids to feel like I’m ushering them out when their dad visits but… is it appropriate that they all just hang out on my couch for hours on end just because their dad doesn’t have a hotel room for them to stay in?

5. OR, am I just a crazy lady who has unattainable expectations?

Thanks all for your input!
 
@brady95crosscountry
  1. Is it wild to expect that he has transportation and lodging when he comes to visit the kids?
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Not at all. Taking care of the kids is part of parenting.

  1. Is it appropriate to set the boundary that he can’t hang out in the house?
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Absolutely.

  1. And is it appropriate to set the boundary that he needs to have a car that can fit all of the kids when he visits?
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Not your problem.

  1. I don’t want the kids to feel like I’m ushering them out when their dad visits but… is it appropriate that they all just hang out on my couch for hours on end just because their dad doesn’t have a hotel room for them to stay in?
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If ex spending time in your residence has become a problem, then they no longer get to spend time there. Your house, your rules.

  1. OR, am I just a crazy lady who has unattainable expectations?
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Not crazy. Address the issues in writing with plenty of time before the next visit. Then ex either resolves them or doesn't.
 
@brady95crosscountry
  1. No
  2. Absolutely
  3. This is his problem. If he can’t figure out that he needs a vehicle then I guess he can just sit around the hotel with the kids or walk places. Your son does not need to agree to use his own vehicle, and if he does he is allowed to set boundaries as well for mileage and gas.
  4. No it’s not appropriate. It is a good thing for your kids to see you set boundaries and prioritize your own needs. Demonstrating this will help your son learn how to implement boundaries for his car for instance.
  5. No. You are being too patient and accommodating. You are being walked on.
 
@brady95crosscountry 1.) Your expectations are incredibly reasonable and to be honest, you're FAR more flexible and accommodating than I ever would be.

2.) It's IMPERATIVE that you set boundaries, including not using your home...for a MULTITUDE of reasons. One being how incredibly confusing it is for even a teenager to associate the time with their BF with your home, and how negative actions or choices by him can affect the harmony of your own home.

3.) This part is a little grey in most cases because some people can achieve their parenting plan requirements without owning a car or renting a car...but this situation is by far not that kind of scenario, and no one should be fulfilling his transportation needs on your end, including your children, unless they CHOOSE to. If he wants to rent a huge hotel room and walk around with the kids near the hotel, so be it...but showing up on a motorcycle with the expectation that your doors are wide open for his usage is ridiculous.

4.) It is not appropriate, and again, can be detrimental to your home's overall harmony and energy. Unless you are allowing a short visitation for him and are the supervising custodial parent, there's no reason for him to have his custody time in your home at all, and should be stopped in my opinion, because it just opens the door for any negative feelings or responses to be associated with a home that isn't his to push that in.

5.) You are not crazy by any means, your expectations are completely reasonable, and if I were you, I'd lawyer up and have the court define some boundaries for him so you don't have to be the one trying to force him to make appropriate decisions.

It sucks you're having to go through all that. Sucks for your kids too. It sounds to me like he has a maturity issue and needs to be reigned in by legal methods. There's not a chance in hell I would allow my ex to utilize me and my fiancé's home for her custody time, NONE. Not only is it inappropriate, but it also lacks courtesy and respect for your home and your space...and again, can be very confusing for a child, even if they are teenagers.
 
@dsweats81 Thanks a bunch for your response, @dsweats81. This is very validating!

My ex is someone who does NOT like boundaries set upon him and has a tendency to fly off the handle. Setting boundaries is a bit scary for me when it comes to that past history but I'm working on it! Especially now that the kids are really looking to me to model this for them (in general).

And re: the car. We live in rural CA with next-to-no public transportation (and Uber/Lyft doesn't have a strong presence here). If we lived in a city, this wouldn't be as much of an issue for sure.

Again--thanks for taking the time to respond.
 
@brady95crosscountry I’m so sorry you’re having to tip toe around because of his history of bullying/abuse. That is so uncalled for, and even further proof that you really need to get some legal stuff going. Boundaries are a normal part of being adults, especially when co-parenting.

The fact you have to use the word scary to describe the idea of what he might do just sucks. I hope you’re able to get the results you want without such a reaction from him.

As far as your area, it shouldn’t be your concern about how he gets his transportation handled so long as it doesn’t bother you and the kids.

Good luck friend.
 
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