Just my critique of that day care Medium article that is always circulating this sub as it relates to nannies and familial care

dkeefe

New member
I made a comment about this recently, but I hate that Medium article that's always circulating because I swear that just by reading it I can tell what route the writer went with regard to childcare. She had grandparent help with a combination of parents staying at home.

I say that because with literally no scientific basis, she suggests that nannies are worse than familial care, but better than in-home day care. In particular she says:

Before 2½, any relative as carer gives the best outcomes. Failing that, nannies are probably better than childminders (in-home daycare) and both are certainly better than daycare centers.

This absurd to me because she herself notes that there is little data on nannies and that conclusions can't be drawn. But here she is! Drawing a pretty strong conclusion!

Even worse when you read the SINGLE study that that she quotes as her "source" it literally says:

Consistent with previous research (Fergusson et al. 2008), children who had spent more time being looked after by a grandparent were more likely to have more peer problems; while one-to-one (home) nanny care was associated with more prosocial behaviour.

It also goes on to state that:

More time in pre-school playgroup was predictive of fewer peer problems (b = 0.120, P < 0.05). More time with a nanny was a significant predictor of more prosocial behaviour (b = 0.09, P < 0.05). More time in childminding predicted more hyperactivity (b = 0.086, P < 0.05). More time with grandparents predicted more peer problems (b = 0.100, P < 0.05).

It LITERALLY says that nannies are better for the behavioral and social development of kids than grandparents.

Why am I bringing this up? Because my thought is that the article attacks group child care in a way that lacks nuance and focuses on the wrong aspects. In particular, it makes it seem like paid care or non-familial care is less than by virtue of being paid care, which isn't the case. In reading through stuff here and there and the sources cited in the article, overwhelmingly good outcomes for kids came down to two things: (1) ratios and (2) caregiver stress. There's no such thing as a daycare center with 1:1 ratio, so it'll probably never be as good as a singular caregiver, but in looking for lower ratios, you can diminish the negative effects to a negligible amounts. Furthermore, day care centers pay notoriously low, but if you find an in-home day care with a relaxed caregiver that is limiting the number of kids (and is being paid well), I do think your kids will be perfectly fine. In particular, I on occasion see in-home day cares that that only take in 1 or 2 kids in addition to their own kids and I don't think this is any different than a kid being watched by a SAHM aunt. But the way the article is phrased lacks nuance and tries to suggest that anything beside relative care is a detriment and I do not believe the science is there.
 
@dkeefe Who the hell is able to make their childcare decisions off of these sort of considerations?

If you are sending your child to daycare, the overwhelming reason is: you have no choice.

You can’t afford a nanny.

Grandparents aren’t around.

Both parents work, and look at that, one parent staying home costs four times as much to the budget over day care.

Of course I would love to stay home with a child. Id love for grandpa to still be here. Id love a nanny, or an in home daycare in the neighborhood. Id also love an honest politician and a pot of fucking gold.
 
@freebytruthjohn832 Since you're asking: we had a choice! I know we're outside the norm but the situation exists. We were a two-income household that -- due to privilege, luck, and intentional sacrifices -- designed a lifestyle that works on either my or my partner's income.

Being a SAHP would have done irreparable damage to my mental health. I am in absolute love with my baby, but I don't like babies in general and I do like my job. After spending weekend days with her I'm desperate to go back to work. I am available, but the wrong choice.

Grandparents are retired and disabled. At this point in their lives, their presence makes our home unpleasant to be in. We both work from home; we actually tried having grandparents here for full-time care. My partner and I basically traded off which of us got to have a breakdown each night. Grandparents are available, but the wrong choice.

We could afford a nanny with both of us working and stretching a bit. I know us. Hiring and managing a household employee and having them around in our space at all times would also wear us ragged. Nanny is available, but the wrong choice.

My partner was on the fence about working vs staying with the baby. We had a spot at a daycare we liked. So we used this and other analysis we read to help sway the decision about which to choose. We're now planning to try and put her in a daycare or other setting with peer socialization later on (age 2+), but for now she's home with my partner. Choice made!
 
@freebytruthjohn832 I did have a choice and I still believe daycare is better for my child than being watched by grandparents (with lots of screen time and boomer safety standards) or an unhappy SAHM. My kid hates sleep and it was torture to never, ever get a break during the day when also being up all night. My mental health is much better after returning to work.

Daycare also adds a lot of benefits for us, like different types of outings, activities and social interactions. It might not be better than a perfect parent but I am not a perfect parent.
 
@moonlightlaura Same here. I like working. I don't know if I like my job, but I certainly like working more than being a SAHP. Parents don't need to sacrifice their own happiness for their children. Families need to find their own personal optimum. Life is full of trade offs, we need to pick and choose ours. It's a privilege to be able to.
 
@moonlightlaura I agree with you! We never had an option of grandparents watching our kids, but we are able to afford a nanny. We chose daycare over a nanny for many reasons. I think there are pros and cons to both. All of the daycare benefits you mentioned definitely factored into our decision! Also, the daycare we go to is really pretty good, so that helps too. They are run by the local public school district so their curriculum is very academic. They pay their teachers better than average and even provide a pension!
 
@freebytruthjohn832 We had a choice. We could afford a nanny, I could afford to stay home - but I don’t love the idea of a stranger in my home with my baby unsupervised, and my mental health is much better when I work.

We found the best center we could - lower ratios, consistent caregivers in the infant rooms, etc - and feel good knowing that our baby is safe, with multiple adults providing accountability. So much so that yesterday he fell asleep in a swing and the teachers in the room opted to leave him for 15 minutes because he’s congested and was due for medication so they’d have to wake him anyway, and another employee saw on camera and came in to check on the situation and call out the unsafe sleep (which, to be fair, I would also have allowed under the circumstances). And they made sure that I was told about it.

Are there other aspects that aren’t as great for development as 1:1 nanny care? Sure, but I’d have no way to know if a nanny left him to sleep in a swing for hours, for example, or if other, more unsafe choices were made. With a good center, I don’t have those worries, and we do our best on the rest of it.
 
@freebytruthjohn832 We are in the minority, but we had a choice.

We could have made stay at home parenting work, but it would have meant dramatically changing our lifestyle, putting our retirement savings entirely on hold, and eliminating any emergency buffer we currently have. It also would have not been good for my mental health, personally. Staying at home could work, but it would have been the most stressful situation for the whole family.

My husband and I could have hired a nanny. We opted not to because it would be too challenging to have an employee in our home for a variety of reasons, not least of which is that we both work from home. We guessed appropriately that having our child home while we worked would have been stressful and distracting - this was confirmed when my husband went back to work and I was still on leave. He found it difficult to concentrate on work while I was caring for our child. We also highly valued the opportunities for socialization, which we knew would be harder with a nanny (though not impossible).

We could have gone to an in-home daycare, but we ended up finding a center that we really love. It has a strong curriculum that follows the kids from infancy to kindergarten, the teacher ratios are acceptable, staff turnover is low, there’s a priority placed on staff development, and it just felt right during the tour. I do wish the teacher ratios were a bit better, but it checked so many of the other boxes for us that we figured we’d try it once I went back to work (it would give us four months before we’d have to commit to a full year, based on their school year schedule). Our LO is thriving, so it was a no-brainer to commit to the school year when the time came.

It’s not a perfect situation, but it had the right mix of benefits and trade offs for our family.
 
@shahbaz Same situation -- my husband and I both work from home, so we decided to go the daycare route rather than having a nanny. That said, we are very privileged to be able to send our son to a daycare where there are 7 kids in the infant room and 3 teachers, and the lead teacher has masters degrees in early childhood education and public health.
 
@barjean That’s an awesome situation! I don’t think we could have found those ratios in any daycare near us without going in-home, and then we’d probably be lacking some of the other things our center offers. Our ratios are better than the state minimums, so I’ll take that along with all the other things we like about the school.
 
@bcs90 I suppose I consider having the choice a substantial privilege. Anecdotal so not scientific ofc, but my mom ran a church daycare for many years that subsidized care for low income parents and every single one felt so much guilt about not being able to be the caregiver for that time because they had to work.
 
@freebytruthjohn832 Most of the people I know who are SAHMs are probably less well off than my other friends. It’s just that they prioritized it. It seems to be much more of a cultural difference and lifestyle choice than a financial one (though none of these people are poor).

Almost none of the Ivy League educated women I know are stay at home moms. But I know several SAHMs who didn’t go to college. They choose to live in low cost of living areas that my other friends would have no interest living in.

When I think of people I know who are stay at home moms, it’s not women with husbands who are engineers or lawyers, but whose husbands work at the Volvo factory in my hometown.
 
@beyondthebirch I think it's because a two-career household is both a cultural expectation and an economic prerogative in college educated middle class socioeconomic strata. If you're NOT college educated than daycare cost can be almost as much as you make working. My husband doesn't have a degree or trade so him working and sending baby to daycare would have pretty much cancelled each other out. Obviously we could have chosen daycare and he could eventually make more money in the long run but for us it tipped the scale and he stays home.
 
@freebytruthjohn832
one parent staying home costs four times as much to the budget over day care.

Tbh, if both parents are bringing home, after tax, 4 times the cost of a decent daycare (especially if you’ve got more than one kid), you’re probably in a position where you could consider a nanny share, at least.

Obviously the article referenced is aimed at middle class dual income families, the kind most likely to actually have choices when it comes to childcare. I don’t think anyone is trying to suggest that it’s aimed at a wider audience or even really useful to people (and there are a lot) who don’t have the option of choosing in-home care or a high quality daycare (either because none exist in the area or the ones that do are prohibitively expensive).
 
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