@renegadelegion Sons Bio Dad was a serial cheater, for the last 2yrs of our relationship with the same woman.
He was emotionally abusive bc narcissistic etc other factors too off topic for this post but once he got physical with me, all it took was for the 2nd time he laid hands on me when son was infant.
Also he would just not come home at night and didn’t want to parent at all.
I separated and about 1.5 yrs later met my fiancé.
We are getting married this September.
In my experience; men who are willing to cheat on their wife, significant other and are also a father don’t seem to understand that by doing so it changes a-lot.
Trust becomes non-existent and they have to be willing to change because they want to be a good loyal partner not because they are threatened with losing the wife, gf and the family dynamic.
If you haven’t felt valued or appreciated in awhile and if you’d been lied to blatantly for some time…
You can approach your husband with the dear man conversation technique.
Give him a timeline on actually seeing changed actions and couples therapy will actually get the resentment and anger, and what he’s feeling or not feeling so much out in the open but again a lot of partners aren’t willing to do that and it’s expensive.
You can stay for your “kids” bc sometimes the fear of what you have to “lose” is scarier than the opportunity to start fresh and get rid of what’s no longer serving you in a loving healthy communicative way- or you can do the opposite and stay in a relationship where you don’t feel valued for the sake of the children and the whole image thing..
it’s really tough with society nowadays and with the fear of what family/friends will think or so when really who cares except what you feel and what YOU know is best for those little ones and for your mental health.
It can swing either way, but it seems many stay in it and are miserable without feeling loved and if you are like me and experiencing what I did-
My sons Bio Father treated me so horribly I use to feel MORE alone when I was “with” him and would silently cry myself to sleep most nights…
Then a wonderful thing happened and I moved on knowing my child and my self as a person would feel peace and that something more loving was in store for our future.
The level of how much peace and content I felt after no longer being with that man and then sleeping alone for awhile and being quite frankly very alone was better than when I spent my days walking on eggshells and always wondering if he was lying to me about anything or if he was going to come home etc.
You don’t want to let your husband think this behavior is acceptable and I think that making it clear hard boundaries are going to be established from now until what you decide is going to help you in the long-run.
If not, he could just think he’s been caught red-handed and “stop” but really cheaters tend to do it again as many of them don’t seem capable of being in a serious monogamous relationship.
Best of luck to you Mama, sending love, happiness for your present and future, strength and the ability to overcome everything you are dealing with right now.
Ps: everything you are feeling about the spared details is valid and go ahead and allow yourself to feel it all now and get it out rather than going into survival mode like I did and disassociating from it all.. only to have to deal with the pain and consequences of the trauma I dealt with later on once I allowed myself to be present enough to sort through the emotions.
ETA: also op my former relationship was in the similar in time amt you’ve been with your husband, I spent nearly a decade with my ex and successfully moved on only to meet my true soulmate even after I used to think he was the one despite how despicable his actions were.
