Is this actually medical decision-making or is my coparent overstepping?

[ryanafshar]

My ex and I share 50/50 time of our 2 kids (7m and 4f) and she has legal custody. Our son is getting a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy over spring break and will be out of school for two weeks and will of course need constant supervision, which is all easily doable with our normal 3-3-4-4 schedule.

Although doctor's orders really only talk about avoiding rough play and eating soft foods during recover, my ex feels it important to completely upend the rotation as a medical decision. She wants to separate the kids for 3 weeks (they've barely ever been separated for a weekend before) and have them go from a 3-3-4-4 to some sort of modified week on week off with them going between our two houses in a rather irregular way.

She claims this is to reduce our son's movement and for his comfort which I think is completely unnecessary since we only live 5 minutes away and it wouldn't be until his 5th day that the transfer would happen. I explained my opinion to keep the schedule that is in the parenting plan but she came back with some pretty rude and aggressive statements that this is a medical decision and I must obey her and stop arguing.

I feel like she is trying to make a scheduling decision under the guise of being a medical matter. If it really is a medical decision that's fine, I can make it happen, but he will be recovering no matter where he is and it seems like throwing off both kids' schedules for three weeks (including our daughter who is not having any medical treatment) doesn't align with medical decisions.

I would love to hear people's thoughts and experiences!

 

[danields]

@ryanafshar I think having legal custody allows her to make medical decisions on her own. However, I don’t think it extends to changes in custody arrangements. If there is a “medical” recommendation that he not be moved post surgery - then perhaps her schedule makes sense, but if not medically necessary then she is out of bounds.

 

[deliveranceseeker]

@ryanafshar My daughter had three she surgery when she was 5 and we separated the kids (her brother is 2 yrs older) just to make it easier on us and also so she could sleep if she wanted to without him annoying her.

However, I would push back against the "medical decision" and "obey" stance. She could have definitely approached the matter in a different manner and phrasing.

PS - the kids will be fine separated and they will love the one on one time with each of you. Just make sure that you don't lose out on time

 

[jlamb1]

@ryanafshar The medical decision was made but now parenting time is parenting time, no? Decision making does not mean she can dictate anything on your parenting time, imo

 

[heavensvoice]

@ryanafshar Have you had a surgery before? The only thing you want to do is lie on the couch and sleep/watch movies. So yeah, I think she's right that for the first 5-7 days he should be allowed to stay in one place, and it would probably be more restful to be alone and not with a sibling.

It wouldn't ruin your life or relationship with your child to accommodate that.

Personally I think 3 weeks is a little dramatic. I was back to work in 4 days after having the same surgery. I would think a maximum of 10 days off school would be sufficient.

I would be more worried about that much time out of school over being worried about the schedule.

 

[katrina2017]

@ryanafshar Kids generally recover from a tonsillectomy much faster than adults. My 4 year old niece just had it done and while she was monitored closely, she was up the next day playing with my 3 year old. I see no reason your kids need to be separated or change the visitation schedule unless he has any complications. Sounds like overstepping to me.

One thing you could do is at the surgery, ask a nurse or doc if they feel switching houses would cause your kiddo harm and if you should keep their sibling from them. That way you and ex are both getting the info together.

 

[wxgeek71]

@katrina2017 And my kids had it & were in severe pain for 2 weeks.

 

[ctoss]

@wxgeek71 My daughter ended up back at the hospital 4 or 5 days post-op with severe pain and dehydration. It was horrible. She was in excruciating pain intermittently with swallowing and could barely eat or drink. They kept her overnight to rehydrate her intravenously and give her stronger pain medicine. There wasn’t any other complications. That 1 overnight was exactly what she needed and she started recovering quickly after that.

 

[katrina2017]

@wxgeek71 Wow that's awful!! I had my tonsils removed at 31 and the severe pain part lasted less than a week.

 

[nyr94]

@ryanafshar Call the doctor and ask for specifics in writing.

 

[spookydawg77]

@ryanafshar You need to talk to a lawyer, but I think she's overstepping. Unless she can provide evidence from a doctor that this is a medical decision, I think she's wrong, and if you want to get back legal responsibility for medical things, this is something that you could use against her to say she's misusing her right.

 

[ryanafshar]

@spookydawg77 Thank you. Yes I'll confirm with my lawyer as well. She has had quite a few incidents of overstepping and crossing the line so perhaps it's just a case naturally building.

 

[catamoras]

@ryanafshar When I’m faced with an unreasonable request from my coparent (thankfully they are few and far between now) I fall back on the parenting agreement we both signed. That is: are your parenting days being infringed upon AND is this in the best interest of the children. Your sons recovery doesn’t seem like it would be impacted by your parenting schedule, however, if her decision to separate the kids is based on her fear that they may be more likely to rough house, the plan may have some merit. I like to revisit points of contention with my ex from a non-reactive place and see where he’s really coming from so that we can work together for our child. She may feel that your son may have an easier recovery in one location in a quiet and calm environment, but may not have factored in that missing his sibling and other parent can delay the healing process. Changes in schedules, especially established predictable schedules, can greatly impact children’s wellbeing, but there are times that cannot be helped. Maybe you guys could come to an agreement that if the child is feeling significantly better by the time custody is about to change it could proceed that way, and extend on a day to day basis until he’s reached that point if not. Good luck, coparenting sucks, but it beats the alternatives.

 

[atlassalta]

@ryanafshar Edited bc I misread

I think your hunch is right. I would ask for recommendations from the doctor just to demonstrate the nature of her request. Based on your custody agreement, I believe you don’t have access to medical teams as well and can’t request this yourself if she doesn’t comply with your request. So I’d ask her for documentation, and based on her response, you could have a fair argument for trying to keep the custody arrangement as is.

 

[ryanafshar]

@atlassalta Thank you for your thoughts. I do have full access to all medical services and I was thinking of trying to get more insight from the med team. There will be a pre-op appointment that I believe we will both be at so it might be helpful for her to hear it from the source.

Thank you !

 

[atlassalta]

@ryanafshar Oh, that’s good! Yes, you should exercise that ability then. And ask those questions in front of her. It’s about transparency, not necessarily putting her on the spot. Take notes too. We take notes ALL THE TIME. Never know when you’ll need contemporary notes. Good luck!

 

[kelbel81]

@ryanafshar My daughter has had a tonsillectomy twice and a tonsillectomy once. The time everything was done at the same time, we were back in the hospital the next evening due to dehydration. Especially during the first week, I would split the children, so that your child can heal in peace.
In the second week, you can see together how things are going. One child is back on their feet on day 2, the other child needs 2 weeks of rest.

I also have the final say medically, but I would never bring it up the way your ex is doing now.

this is a medical decision and I must obey her and stop arguing

You can ask the doctor what's best, but I think it's best to just "go with the flow" and not make a fight about this, it's only for 3 weeks.

 

[whit]

@ryanafshar My plan is one parent gets trump card on medical, religion and education and the only way to challenge is through courts and mediation. Is the request unreasonable? I don’t know, probably yes BUT when you signed that piece of paper, you accepted her ability to make these decisions and have to live with that. Is it worth the argument? I have been a coparent for a decade now and know when to pick my battles. I personally wouldn’t pick this one but I am also not you.

 

[ryanafshar]

@whit I appreciate your insight! Thank you. This is all very new for us so everything feels like a big deal and it's a fine line between establishing some healthy boundaries and going with the flow of it all.

 

[jlamb1]

@ryanafshar Just saying but decision making does not mean one can change parenting time. If that was the case then the decision making parent would be able to trump any and all parenting time whenever they want.

I was just in Court for a conference and the other parent's lawyer tried something similar and the Judge shot it down immediately echoing my point of my parenting time is my parenting time.

I never want my PT infringed upon because it is a very slippery slope and something that the other parent has been trying off the hop.