@search4truth1121 I'm on a relatively shorter fuse because I'm literally expelling uterine lining, parenting a newborn and toddler, and nursing an infected boob. What's your excuse, Karen? Your antagonism appears to come from a place of defensiveness. It sounds like you're taking your chosen solution of acting like your husband's manager and accepting being less than equal in your marriage and projecting your anger on me. If you need to work through your anger issues maybe you should consider therapy as opposed to shitting on people asking for help on reddit.
Is it time for a divorce?
- Thread starter margrethe
- Start date
wearethechristiangems
New member
@margrethe Girl that was that advice. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it was wrong or rude. It was plain, no frills advice. Sounds like you’re living the life you deserve.
@wearethechristiangems
Girlie where was the advice? Girlie other people have been vulnerable and open with providing action plans, step by step thoughts, and their personal experiences and then we have whatever this whole chain of thought is (enable his behavior and after a few logical leaps, this is all your fault btw).
Girlie there have been so many comments with a wide range of different opinions/actual advice/experiences, but for the most part, people have been thoughtful and good at giving each other grace, and I've accepted them all in the spirit they've been given. Girlie I suppose a few duds from the other end of the spectrum should be expected to appear at some point, and, girlie, I accept your comments with more thought and empathy than you've extended. Girlie, sounds like you're living the life you deserve too.
Girlie where was the advice? Girlie other people have been vulnerable and open with providing action plans, step by step thoughts, and their personal experiences and then we have whatever this whole chain of thought is (enable his behavior and after a few logical leaps, this is all your fault btw).
Girlie there have been so many comments with a wide range of different opinions/actual advice/experiences, but for the most part, people have been thoughtful and good at giving each other grace, and I've accepted them all in the spirit they've been given. Girlie I suppose a few duds from the other end of the spectrum should be expected to appear at some point, and, girlie, I accept your comments with more thought and empathy than you've extended. Girlie, sounds like you're living the life you deserve too.
wearethechristiangems
New member
@margrethe “Girlie,” you’re replying to the wrong comment lmao. Have the day you deserve 
@wearethechristiangems Lmfao reddit wouldn't let me comment for some reason. But your comment deserved to be amplified and quoted back to you. Have a blessed life.
wearethechristiangems
New member
@margrethe Lmao your attitude deserves to be amplified and quoted back to you! Have a blessed marriage 
@wearethechristiangems Hope your kids (or grandkids) will actually enjoy your company!
Edit: I do genuinely mean it. There have been hundreds of comments coming from many commenters who disagree with me and each other. People including myself have been snarky but none have tried to actually hurt me or each other on a deep, psychic level. You alone have with your "blessed marriage" comment. "Hurt people hurt people" may be a cliche but there's truth to it. You may think you're hurting me, a random internet stranger, with a real coup de grace. But if that's the attitude you carry in your daily life, I genuinely wonder what you're doing to your loved ones (because, honestly, everyone else isn't as important). I've seen families grow far apart because a parent is obsessed with winning and I honestly wish you the best of luck.
Edit: I do genuinely mean it. There have been hundreds of comments coming from many commenters who disagree with me and each other. People including myself have been snarky but none have tried to actually hurt me or each other on a deep, psychic level. You alone have with your "blessed marriage" comment. "Hurt people hurt people" may be a cliche but there's truth to it. You may think you're hurting me, a random internet stranger, with a real coup de grace. But if that's the attitude you carry in your daily life, I genuinely wonder what you're doing to your loved ones (because, honestly, everyone else isn't as important). I've seen families grow far apart because a parent is obsessed with winning and I honestly wish you the best of luck.
wearethechristiangems
New member
@margrethe Oh honey, you’re just reaching now. We both know they do
metalgreymon
New member
@margrethe Keep your job
Talk to a divorce lawyer
Your line of thinking doesn’t sound like you want to salvage the relationship because you love him or he loves you and is trying or anything. It sounds like you want to get divorced ultimately but have a lot of fears around it.
Talk to a divorce lawyer
Your line of thinking doesn’t sound like you want to salvage the relationship because you love him or he loves you and is trying or anything. It sounds like you want to get divorced ultimately but have a lot of fears around it.
@metalgreymon Yeah, this whole thread has been eye-opening to me. I realized I didn't mention love anywhere. He says he loves me but those crumbs and "my family isn't/I'm not racist to you" comments don't say it.
And when people suggested scheduling dates, the only thing I could think of is while he would enjoy them (and make me do all the work of organizing them), I have hated every date in the past four years. Going forward, I will only agree to do a date if I get something in return (like a better budget split, mother's helper, etc). I can see this has devolved into a transactional marriage, and the terms of this transaction are not satisfactory to me.
And when people suggested scheduling dates, the only thing I could think of is while he would enjoy them (and make me do all the work of organizing them), I have hated every date in the past four years. Going forward, I will only agree to do a date if I get something in return (like a better budget split, mother's helper, etc). I can see this has devolved into a transactional marriage, and the terms of this transaction are not satisfactory to me.
metalgreymon
New member
@margrethe I think it’ll be scary, but when it’s all said and done you’ll be much happier without the dead weight
catlover88
New member
@margrethe Here to support you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. You articulated your point very well despite everything. Finding a new job in the midst of newborn chaos is not easy. Do you know your bottom line, minimum salary you’d need to pull this off alone? What would your husband be like as a solo dad when he gets custody? Sigh. I’m so sorry. I can feel your exhaustion through your words. Hugs, if you want them 
@catlover88 Thanks, appreciate the hug. Your questions are a good kick in the butt to really think through the details because I don't have a good answer to them! I feel like I've been in non-stop baby mode for the past four years and haven't had a chance to really think about anything other than what's right in front of me.
@margrethe I think you should start thinking long term and aim for divorce a couple of years in future. Consult a divorce lawyer, take your time looking for a new job, save up money. It’s a terrible way to live to be sure, but at least you will be prepared for challenges ahead. Focus on yourself and your children and put his needs at the very bottom of your list, or off it altogether.
@margrethe My relationship with my husband has on/off struggled since we had our 2nd. We’re in couples therapy and it helps so much. I’d recommend it. Personally, I think couples therapy should be required after having kids - there is so much that changes in the dynamic.
We struggle with communication. For example, one morning my husband offered to drop off the kids to daycare/preschool. He came back and was frustrated bc I didn’t clean up from breakfast. I instead used that time to re-coup from the typical morning chaos.
I was upset he was critical of how I chose to use my time. Why did I have to clean?! I wfh I could do it during my lunch break. Our therapist mentioned that we need to communicate our expectations and not judge each other. So it would’ve helped if he said “i’ll drop the kids off, could you clean up from breakfast while i’m gone?”. Then I can let him know whether or not I can meet that expectation.
Lastly, while I was on mat leave with our 2nd, I got sick a few days and learned very quickly moms don’t get special treatment when they’re sick. I still had to do all the things. It was frustrating but now I try to be super vocal about my needs and boundaries “i’m sick, i’m laying down, you’ve got the kids”.
Whenever, i’ve thought about divorce. I take a step back. My husband is a good man, we’re in a very, very hard stage of life. I don’t want to give it up and miss out on what our relationship will be when we have more “free time again”.
We struggle with communication. For example, one morning my husband offered to drop off the kids to daycare/preschool. He came back and was frustrated bc I didn’t clean up from breakfast. I instead used that time to re-coup from the typical morning chaos.
I was upset he was critical of how I chose to use my time. Why did I have to clean?! I wfh I could do it during my lunch break. Our therapist mentioned that we need to communicate our expectations and not judge each other. So it would’ve helped if he said “i’ll drop the kids off, could you clean up from breakfast while i’m gone?”. Then I can let him know whether or not I can meet that expectation.
Lastly, while I was on mat leave with our 2nd, I got sick a few days and learned very quickly moms don’t get special treatment when they’re sick. I still had to do all the things. It was frustrating but now I try to be super vocal about my needs and boundaries “i’m sick, i’m laying down, you’ve got the kids”.
Whenever, i’ve thought about divorce. I take a step back. My husband is a good man, we’re in a very, very hard stage of life. I don’t want to give it up and miss out on what our relationship will be when we have more “free time again”.
cherishedteddies
New member
@sefo Communicating expectations thing is super important. I have a hard time with it myself. My husband is good at it to be honest but then I’ve had to work on feeling judgement. Actually, the cleaning situation you mentioned is one that happens frequently here! I rather clean later whereas he always cleans now.
jacquewoolard
New member
@margrethe Short term can you get him to pay for a house cleaner?
@jacquewoolard I wore him down and we do have a cleaner but she doesn't solve his lack of consideration
jacquewoolard
New member
@margrethe I agree completely it doesn’t solve the problem. You deserve way better and I wish I had more advice for you. You sound like an intelligent person that is capable of so much so I hope you can get some great advice from others and can meet with a lawyer on the down lo so you can figure out any options.