coryseesstars
New member
@margrethe Don’t be too hard on yourself. You sound like you are in survival mode. I honestly wonder how the fund would be taken into account with regards to the children if you divorced.
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Is it time for a divorce?
- Thread starter margrethe
- Start date
followthestar
New member
@sweetsocalbutterfly2019 Everyone in a household puts their money towards the household. It’s not his and hers. Keep an equal amount separate for fun spending (what ever number is fine with the joint incomes). But everything else from bills, dinner dates, mortgage, saving for travel and holidays are all in one joint bank account that is shared equally. It’s then up to you as a couple to discuss what you are saving for and how to spend that as a couple. If as a couple you can’t be respectful of the amount in the joint account and treat it right then you shouldn’t be a couple.
sweetsocalbutterfly2019
New member
@followthestar We do this exact same philosophy but rather with percents. We add all the things you mention plus even savings for general savings. It’s the money after that that is the “fun money” we hang on to.
How is choosing to do this with percentages with than fixed numbers different?
How is choosing to do this with percentages with than fixed numbers different?
followthestar
New member
@sweetsocalbutterfly2019 Because you both still contribute to the household as equal partners Why would you penalize someone because they happen to have a lower paying job? What happens when you have kids and don’t work for a little while or drop to part time? Just because you earn less shouldn’t mean your fun money is less. That’s not equitable and typically disadvantages women as women often choose caring roles for employment which typically pay less. You both decide what a reasonable amount of fun money is and you both get the same.
sweetsocalbutterfly2019
New member
@followthestar If someone isn’t working then no budget plan is going to work. It has to pooled resources.
And I guess I didn’t consider such a difference in wages. This really only works in you’re somewhat within ranges of making similar money. Like with 50% of each other.
And I guess I didn’t consider such a difference in wages. This really only works in you’re somewhat within ranges of making similar money. Like with 50% of each other.
followthestar
New member
@sweetsocalbutterfly2019 So the biggest issue is the “fun money” bucket. If you aren’t working say because you are home caring for kids…. You also have no fun money. Should just be equal for both regardless of what you bring to the table. Of course there are situations where someone is deliberating not working for what ever reason….. but that’s a relationship issue that needs to be addressed early.
missionfreak
New member
@margrethe He needs to pay for help. If things are going to be 50-50, then you carried the kids, what’s his contribution there? You need a couple’s therapist. We had similar issues and I pulled back on what I contributed to the relationship as a result because I wasn’t getting what I was putting in.
Partners need to understand that we don’t love them unconditionally. The way he is treating assets is ridiculous. And right now, my therapist reminds me, we are in the nick of things with two small children and the first year of being postpartum. This is when we need the most support. Spell this out to him. I see you’ve dialed back and keep dialing back. Suggest a weekly family meeting and see how that goes. He is in charge of giving you a weekly night off etc.
Partners need to understand that we don’t love them unconditionally. The way he is treating assets is ridiculous. And right now, my therapist reminds me, we are in the nick of things with two small children and the first year of being postpartum. This is when we need the most support. Spell this out to him. I see you’ve dialed back and keep dialing back. Suggest a weekly family meeting and see how that goes. He is in charge of giving you a weekly night off etc.
@margrethe I get it, I think, it sucks to be with an emotionally neglectful partner. Does he have any redeeming qualities? I mean if you are in therapy, they probably are better equipped to answer your questions & provide guidance?
I am in a relationship with a 80/20 type household/childcare balance. I was so exhausted & overwhelmed when the kids were little — I strongly considered yet opted to not get divorce about 12-13 years ago. My hubby had no generational wealth, but I did not want to split my children’s financial resources between 2 households AND i wanted control over the rules & values of my children 24-7-365.
And 12 years later, I have no regrets. We are in a better place in our marriage and our kids are thriving.
So I obviously lean towards staying in the relationship, BUT I 101% acknowledge, that many (and likely you) could probably find happiness after divorce as well. I just think you gotta pick which one feel the least painful…
I am in a relationship with a 80/20 type household/childcare balance. I was so exhausted & overwhelmed when the kids were little — I strongly considered yet opted to not get divorce about 12-13 years ago. My hubby had no generational wealth, but I did not want to split my children’s financial resources between 2 households AND i wanted control over the rules & values of my children 24-7-365.
And 12 years later, I have no regrets. We are in a better place in our marriage and our kids are thriving.
So I obviously lean towards staying in the relationship, BUT I 101% acknowledge, that many (and likely you) could probably find happiness after divorce as well. I just think you gotta pick which one feel the least painful…
@michaelo
You're right of course (otherwise we wouldn't've gotten married). He is honestly my best friend. He makes me laugh and keeps me curious. Honestly there's a part of me that wonders if we wouldn't get along better as divorced co-parents than how we are right now.
Does he have any redeeming qualities
You're right of course (otherwise we wouldn't've gotten married). He is honestly my best friend. He makes me laugh and keeps me curious. Honestly there's a part of me that wonders if we wouldn't get along better as divorced co-parents than how we are right now.
savedbygrace_777
New member
@margrethe If he doesn’t want to clean the cleaning service is his bill. If he won’t do laundry, the laundry sercice is his bill.
What is he gonna do if you start paying less and adding these services? Is he going to leave? Are you just scared to piss him off? Because he had no problem pissing you off.
Spend the money and when he gets pissy tell him you’ll be happy to talk about this in marriage counsling.
What is he gonna do if you start paying less and adding these services? Is he going to leave? Are you just scared to piss him off? Because he had no problem pissing you off.
Spend the money and when he gets pissy tell him you’ll be happy to talk about this in marriage counsling.
@savedbygrace_777 Dang. You're right. This is a good kick to the seat of my pants. Thanks.
savedbygrace_777
New member
@margrethe We as women are socialized to please people and not make waves. It’s ok, I struggle with allowing myself to piss people off too, but sometimes it’s what they need
@margrethe
50/50 only makes sense if you are both contributing equally in and out of the home... which is almost never the case. We did 50/50 until we had a kid (before we had same pay, down to the dollar and he did pull his equal "adult chores")
Ps. When I was pregnant and on disability, I made him pay me half of my salary to me.
He'd make me split it 50/50
50/50 only makes sense if you are both contributing equally in and out of the home... which is almost never the case. We did 50/50 until we had a kid (before we had same pay, down to the dollar and he did pull his equal "adult chores")
Ps. When I was pregnant and on disability, I made him pay me half of my salary to me.
@margrethe He sounds very self centered
@margrethe I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s such a hard situation. As long as you feel safe, I’d try to stick it out at least until your newborn is one. While it seems like this has been going on a while, adding a new baby is a major stressor to relationships. I’d also encourage you to look at what you think life will look like in five years in either scenario. In which one are you happier? I wouldn’t worry about your husband’s assets beyond living expenses (I.e. it’s ok if your kids don’t have trust funds because of this).
@margrethe This is very, very hard with a lot of factors at play. We had a really hard time after #2 too, because of course, to my husband’s surprise, he really had to step it up with my toddler so I could take care of the new baby. He was used to me doing everything. But slowly it got better.
Recruit as much help as you can afford to ease the stress before you decide on divorce. It’s hard not to hate your husband after having a new baby (at least for me) and I was sure we were heading for divorce at one point, but splitting custody, finances, selling a house etc are all big things to think about. A coworker told me if you’re not in a place of needing to get out of this marriage immediately, don’t make any big decisions until a year postpartum and that really helped me.
Recruit as much help as you can afford to ease the stress before you decide on divorce. It’s hard not to hate your husband after having a new baby (at least for me) and I was sure we were heading for divorce at one point, but splitting custody, finances, selling a house etc are all big things to think about. A coworker told me if you’re not in a place of needing to get out of this marriage immediately, don’t make any big decisions until a year postpartum and that really helped me.
@melissauk Got an IUD. He's getting a vasectomy and while I know those are reversible (hence my comment about a redo family) I'm definitely waiting until after the operation to make any moves.
@margrethe I was here when my son was 3. My husband just couldn’t understand why I had rage. I broke a toilet seat because we were arguing in our bedroom and I took some space in the bathroom but then was so angry that I slammed the toilet seat lid down over and over until it broke. Then he said, “I’m concerned about you.” Oh really, sir? Because you know what would help me and you won’t do it then call me a b when I show the slightest hint of exasperation that it isn’t done.
We had been to 2 couples therapists and he “didn’t like them” and “didn’t feel heard.” So I did something I hate - but I found a male therapist with tattoos who I felt like my husband would listen to. Having to have a 3d party man tell my husband he should listen to me made my blood boil. But it worked. And we are 10,000x in a better place. Still a little weird about money because my husband is the opposite of a trust fundie and he has significant financial anxiety that is managed ok with meds but he doesn’t choose to work on it with his individual therapist. (We are gonna have to help financially support his parents in retirement along with his siblings. His mom stole thousands from him at one point. Not great.) For example, we could afford a house manager a few hours a week or laundry service but he will not agree to spend the money despite it being desperately needed. So our house looks trashed all the time. But I can live with it to an extent because he now cooks dinner 3-4 times / week, folds my laundry for me, does lots of other chores, puts our kid to bed at least 2x a week…. Total change.
We had been to 2 couples therapists and he “didn’t like them” and “didn’t feel heard.” So I did something I hate - but I found a male therapist with tattoos who I felt like my husband would listen to. Having to have a 3d party man tell my husband he should listen to me made my blood boil. But it worked. And we are 10,000x in a better place. Still a little weird about money because my husband is the opposite of a trust fundie and he has significant financial anxiety that is managed ok with meds but he doesn’t choose to work on it with his individual therapist. (We are gonna have to help financially support his parents in retirement along with his siblings. His mom stole thousands from him at one point. Not great.) For example, we could afford a house manager a few hours a week or laundry service but he will not agree to spend the money despite it being desperately needed. So our house looks trashed all the time. But I can live with it to an extent because he now cooks dinner 3-4 times / week, folds my laundry for me, does lots of other chores, puts our kid to bed at least 2x a week…. Total change.