Is it time for a divorce?

@jacquewoolard Haha thanks, I was being slightly facetious. Though my cleaner and her team are pretty nice and if they knew what was going on would probably want to help in other ways lol. Appreciate the support.
 
@margrethe Sorry to hear about your situation. You sounds like a wonderful mom and wife. However, your husband sounds like a spoiled brat. It’s probably good to hire cleaner, CPA or financial advisor to review your finances.
 
@margrethe Just wanted to mention that the treatment for mastitis has changed significantly in the last couple years. I don't recall exactly all the details, but I had it last year and I remember the advice was really different depending on whether I read a current article or a slightly outdated one.

My recollection is it's basically Tylenol and ice rather than heat but definitely make sure that you are getting the most up-to-date literature.

Hugs.
 
@hilbrand Thanks for the hugs and no worries, I got it covered. I am a gigantic breastfeeding/pumping nerd and I am already on the new protocol: Ice ice baby and Tylenol. Hugs back!
 
@margrethe This may be an unpopular opinion but if your husband has money why can’t you hire someone even temporarily to come clean your house a couple of times per week? You said you were suffering from PTSD and PPD and are currently sleep deprived and very ill. That is never the time to make a life-altering change. I don’t know what the answer is but talk to your doctor to get help with the mastitis and the PPD so you can make decisions in a better frame of mind.
 
Also I would imagine your husband would want to invest in a nanny, house manager, or cleaner if it means saving your marriage and make your lives easier and give you guys time to focus on your marriage.

If he isn’t willing, then you have your answer.
 
@margrethe I’m so sorry. My husband isn’t most emotionally available. He also needs to be told what I need. He’s not empathetic by nature like I am. It’s just not what he’s best that and it took me maybe 10 years to accept it. That he’ll never be what I have pictured in my head.

But you know what? He’s good at a lot of other things and I’m sure there are things he wishes I was better at when he envisioned having a wife.

I’ve also found it’s so easy to resent your husband when postpartum. And maybe controversial but I think most men are just dumb. They lack intuition and emotional intelligence. Most things are black and white.

I hope you can get support outside of him because he will probably change fully. I hired help, did therapy and get lots of self care to take care of my mental health.
 
@lordisgood I’m 2 years out from my last baby but this really resonates with me. The stark differences between men and women were really highlighted post partum and it made me realize how much more snap and attention women give. I really can’t explain it. I felt that my partner was really dumb for a while, even though he works a really difficult job. It feels validating to know im not alone in this feeling.
 
@anthonyprite For sure. We’re just wired differently and they’re better at a lot of things than we are. I also realized it wasn’t fair to expect something out of him that just wasn’t him. It was like I was setting him up to fail. “Oh you’re not good at doing x,y, and z but it means so much to me so change who you are and do it.” It’s not going to happen and it doesn’t mean they’re bad partners.
 
@margrethe I'm in a similar situation including familial wealth and all that. I'm just really really tired of putting in all the effort. I haven't talked to him in a week after we had a blowout last week. I have been thinking a lot about divorce and honestly it seems better than having a third kid to take care (him) which has really affected my attraction towards him anyways.
 
@margrethe All I can say is if I was in this situation- I would stay and try to make it work. The next few years will be just exhausting and mentally draining!!!

I’ve contemplated leaving my husband a bucket load of times- lol. When the kids are that small, there is no relief.

It seems like he is willing to help, but just an idiot- 😂

I would demand he pay for help, a nanny or cleaner or something 1-2 times per week (maybe he can issue that trust fund money).

I think the concern that he would just remarry and use that money on his new family is probably what would happen. However, I am sure he isn’t even thinking divorce is where your headspace is at. I definitely wouldn’t jump off the ledge. Also, in the divorce he would get AT LEAST 50% custody, can you imagine not seeing your 3 month old baby for an entire week!!!! New mothers have tried to get the courts to agree with the temporary full custody while the baby is a newborn, but Courts still grant custody to dads- so you just pump and hand over your baby/ milk. It would break my heart.

Can you vent to his sister or mom to talk to him?

I think maybe virtual couples counseling is another obvious option, but when my kids were that age I didn’t have the mental capacity to go there.
 
@margrethe I'll just tell you my experience. Same story, just different details. I ended the marriage almost 2 months ago now and couldn't be happier. Whatever the actual divorce costs will be money well spent. My life is EASIER. My house is so clean. Yes, it's been difficult emotionally, but it's been worth it.
 
@margrethe I haven't read all the comments just came to say I get it & my marriage took a turn for the worse after 2nd baby. Continue to communicate, things clicked for him once I explained that having the expectation of help, and not getting it caused so much anger & resentment. Things are not perfect, sleep helps so much, & I'm sure you are lacking that.
 
@margrethe Didn’t read all the other comments but I’ll say this- you have a daughter- is this the kind of relationship you’d want for her? And I get staying because you want to maintain control of your kids 24/7 and finances etc but at the end of the day if this guy can’t care enough about you when you’re this sick and you have two littles - sorry sis he’s just not the one.
I’d recommend waiting a bit- figuring out your financial situation, making sure you’re in a strong place and all your ducks are in a row before leaving.
 
@margrethe This might be unpopular, but I would not make any relationship decisions during the newborn phase. My marriage was really solid and this phase wrecked us and I felt very similarly. We’re on the tail end with a 2 year old now and I feel like a lot of my feelings were spurred by hormones.

I think I would try to compromise and let go of control for your own sanity with the house stuff. It’s really okay that your toddler ate yesterdays crumbs. Is it ideal? Nope. Is it going to cause irreparable harm? Nope. Your toddler was probably just thrilled. This is a short phase.

Start making lists of explicit shit you need from him. Should you have to do this? Fuck no. I hate even recommending it. It’s annoying as hell and adds to the mental load, but clear cut written down tasks he has to cross off can also show you if he can step up or he’ll leave them unfinished. But survival is key right now. Reassess your marriage once you’re out of the thick fog or newborn and the resentment that comes with it.

I’m not saying don’t leave, but I am saying to wait.
 
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