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Is it time for a divorce?
- Thread starter margrethe
- Start date
savedbygrace_777
New member
@margrethe If he wants a wife to do all the housework he needs to pay all the bills
@savedbygrace_777 To be fair, it's not just about the housework. You can replace "clean up after yourself" with other things that were/are important to me (safe sleep, nutrition, cultural heritage, protecting our children from racism) and I would get the same thing of rejection, defensiveness, or "well you need to tell me what to do" even after I had indeed told him what I needed.
But yeah, that's the point I've been trying to make to the two women telling me to be his momager and insinuating it's my fault that I'm not interested in that (unless I'm being paid for it). When you're being asked to do more work, you need to be compensated more. Isn't that something we're trying to achieve in our careers as working moms?
But yeah, that's the point I've been trying to make to the two women telling me to be his momager and insinuating it's my fault that I'm not interested in that (unless I'm being paid for it). When you're being asked to do more work, you need to be compensated more. Isn't that something we're trying to achieve in our careers as working moms?
savedbygrace_777
New member
@margrethe So is he white? And you are a person of color? Is one of those guys that doesn’t think racism exists anymore?
Safe sleep - this is pretty straightforward for any dad. It’s not hard to fuck up - is he actually fucking it up and being dangerous?
Nutrition - what’s the deal here? Is he feeding the kids fast food every day or are you being super controlling about their diet? Or maybe somewhere in between?
Safe sleep - this is pretty straightforward for any dad. It’s not hard to fuck up - is he actually fucking it up and being dangerous?
Nutrition - what’s the deal here? Is he feeding the kids fast food every day or are you being super controlling about their diet? Or maybe somewhere in between?
@savedbygrace_777
Yes, yes, and not quite. More of the "gets angrier at the suggestion they might be doing something racist than the fact they might be doing something racist," the constant microaggressions and "othering." He used to get angry when I spoke in my mother tongue because I was "talking over him" until I pointed out he was equally talking over me and erasing half of my kids' heritage. Know what I mean?
Used to leave baby asleep on unsafe places (like swings, dock-a-tots). Fought and won that one but still have to make him stop lying on the couch, in the dark, at night, with baby on his stomach. "But I would never fall asleep, how come you don't trust me?"
This one is relatively minor but given his entire family has disordered eating habits, follow fad diets, and are calorie counters, I can see where this leads long-term if I don't step in at some point. He has an unhealthy relationship with food and a lot of weight yoyoing. They told me I'm on the opposite spectrum as an "intuitive eater" (whatever that means).
When the toddler was sub 1 yo he would actually fight me over providing fruits after meals because "they're sugary" (...but they're nutritious?!). And he would seesaw between providing sad boiled vegetables to chicken nuggets. I'm not asking for much, I'm just balanced meals... It wasn't a big deal but it was unnecessarily exhausting.
So is he white? And you are a person of color? Is one of those guys that doesn’t think racism exists anymore?
Yes, yes, and not quite. More of the "gets angrier at the suggestion they might be doing something racist than the fact they might be doing something racist," the constant microaggressions and "othering." He used to get angry when I spoke in my mother tongue because I was "talking over him" until I pointed out he was equally talking over me and erasing half of my kids' heritage. Know what I mean?
Safe sleep
Used to leave baby asleep on unsafe places (like swings, dock-a-tots). Fought and won that one but still have to make him stop lying on the couch, in the dark, at night, with baby on his stomach. "But I would never fall asleep, how come you don't trust me?"
Nutrition
This one is relatively minor but given his entire family has disordered eating habits, follow fad diets, and are calorie counters, I can see where this leads long-term if I don't step in at some point. He has an unhealthy relationship with food and a lot of weight yoyoing. They told me I'm on the opposite spectrum as an "intuitive eater" (whatever that means).
When the toddler was sub 1 yo he would actually fight me over providing fruits after meals because "they're sugary" (...but they're nutritious?!). And he would seesaw between providing sad boiled vegetables to chicken nuggets. I'm not asking for much, I'm just balanced meals... It wasn't a big deal but it was unnecessarily exhausting.
savedbygrace_777
New member
@margrethe Thank you, this adds a lot of context. I would have never thought that the racism is coming from him. And the safe sleep stuff is pretty horrifying, we have a toddler and we’re both super aware of that stuff not too long ago.
This is obviously a lot more than chores and childcare which I think many of us assumed reading the initial post.
This is obviously a lot more than chores and childcare which I think many of us assumed reading the initial post.
@savedbygrace_777 Yeah tired brain didn't think about putting the long-term stuff in. Just the immediate triggers. It's never about the Iranian yogurt.
sheogorath87
New member
@margrethe That’s not a fair deal. For example if he makes 3 x your salary, he should pay 3 x what you contribute. He pays three-quarters of the bill and you pay one-quarter.
By comparison, if you go 50/50: $100 per week from his income doesn’t have the same impact that $100 per week has on you.
By comparison, if you go 50/50: $100 per week from his income doesn’t have the same impact that $100 per week has on you.
@sheogorath87 I'm kicking myself for letting this go on for almost a decade. I make almost 2x what he does but his wealth is 6x mine.
cherishedteddies
New member
@margrethe I think you should see what he says if you tell him you want to be a SAHM, and let's discuss what the money would look like.
Cause here's the thing: my husband is a SAHD. It wouldn't work if either of us thought in terms of "his money" and "my money." Every penny that comes through the door is "our money."
I highly doubt he'll have that sort of approach to things, and maybe that guides your decision going forward.
(I'm super pragmatic so I can see where you're coming from. I'd be focused on putting my foot down on housekeepers and maybe a part time mother's helper that he's gonna pay for, and long term changes to how the money works in general.)
Cause here's the thing: my husband is a SAHD. It wouldn't work if either of us thought in terms of "his money" and "my money." Every penny that comes through the door is "our money."
I highly doubt he'll have that sort of approach to things, and maybe that guides your decision going forward.
(I'm super pragmatic so I can see where you're coming from. I'd be focused on putting my foot down on housekeepers and maybe a part time mother's helper that he's gonna pay for, and long term changes to how the money works in general.)
@cherishedteddies Thanks, I'd like to dig in deeper. What are the green vs red flags in that conversation? I have no point of reference because my parents both worked and the grandparents I grew up with also both worked. The internal workings of functional, good relationships where one partner is a SAHP are actually unknown to me, welp
katrina2017
New member
@margrethe Do what you did for house chores and refuse to pay anything but a prorated amount that takes into consideration his wealth into shared expenses.
Up to and including letting your electricity go off and your mortgage going unpaid.
Up to and including letting your electricity go off and your mortgage going unpaid.
followthestar
New member
@sheogorath87 I feel like any married relationship that divides money up this way is destined for divorce.
@followthestar This is all I have to say about the situation. It doesn’t sound like this was healthy to begin with, nor does it sound like husband has any motivation at all to change. It’s just unfortunate that children are now in the mix. I’ve never understood not sharing finances in a marriage. It’s like from the get go the mindset is that of obligation, roommate style.
sweetsocalbutterfly2019
New member
@followthestar Why do you say that? I personally find it the “fairest” way. But I’m curious what the downsides are.
@sweetsocalbutterfly2019 I feel like my post is an illustration of the downsides, welp
sweetsocalbutterfly2019
New member
@margrethe You’re in a very unique situation tho. Not many people have a trust fund or are married to one.
In an instance where a trust fund was in play, I would include that in the percentage split. I’m surprised you guys don’t.
In an instance where a trust fund was in play, I would include that in the percentage split. I’m surprised you guys don’t.
@sweetsocalbutterfly2019 One of his siblings was getting married without a prenup. Dad/FIL quickly lawyered up and set the trust funds up so they would be divorce proof i.e. excluded from the split, so that none of the kids would ever need a prenup.
As far as splitting up finances on a daily basis: In fairness to me, the details are murky. All I know is it's to be paid out when FIL dies and neither of us knew how much was in the fund until now (FIL is feeling his impending mortality and started talking). I also didn't know how much my husband was socking away until we set up a budgeting app that syncs across accounts.
Yeah, I'm dumb. I can feel the judgement.
As far as splitting up finances on a daily basis: In fairness to me, the details are murky. All I know is it's to be paid out when FIL dies and neither of us knew how much was in the fund until now (FIL is feeling his impending mortality and started talking). I also didn't know how much my husband was socking away until we set up a budgeting app that syncs across accounts.
Yeah, I'm dumb. I can feel the judgement.
sweetsocalbutterfly2019
New member
@margrethe That’s all awful.
But this doesn’t mean splitting up bills based on what percentage the person makes of the household is a bad budgeting practice.
But this doesn’t mean splitting up bills based on what percentage the person makes of the household is a bad budgeting practice.
@sweetsocalbutterfly2019 Oh I think I misunderstood your post. I see what you're saying now, yeah, agree. I was dumb not to push back on 50/50.
They're an interesting bunch. BIL (the one who wouldn't get a prenup, because loooooove) was willing to fund his wife/then fiancee's expensive tastes for $500 shoes, but refused to contribute anything to her student debt. He was clear she would only get help from him after she bore him a child.
They're an interesting bunch. BIL (the one who wouldn't get a prenup, because loooooove) was willing to fund his wife/then fiancee's expensive tastes for $500 shoes, but refused to contribute anything to her student debt. He was clear she would only get help from him after she bore him a child.