In desperate need of a break but husband won’t let my mom help me

[brucepjr]

@sam77 Yeah, I’m going with your husband is isolating you on purpose. You need to look deeper at that.

 

[sam77]

@brucepjr I should add here that the body image issues relating to getting the wrong size clothes happened when I was a preteen, not a young child. I assume my husband just wants to get ahead of the problem but again, I find it very over the top. I am more than willing to let go of things like this so I can have help and also continue to have a relationship with my family. I feel horrible because for the last year I feel like I have been actively pushing them away.

 

[eoim]

@sam77 I’m going to echo what others have said, because I do think you need to keep hearing this.

Arguably, it would be better to avoid anyone purchasing clothes for baby after they get older to prevent body issues. Limiting comments is fine, but your husband sounds like he’s taking whatever bait he can to control. He found something that was vulnerable for you and put a very strange boundary on it as a form of control. If it was reasonable it would be fine. But it doesn’t seem that way. You’re hearing from him that he’s just taking your needs into consideration, because that’s a textbook control freak cover up.

It’s fine to have boundaries but you are effectively letting your husband exclusively control what your child wears and who she is around. It’s not taking much for these hard lines to be drawn, and that’s a red flag. Especially since it’s being done to isolate you and the baby.

 

[sam77]

@eoim I totally hear you and this is my concern. It’s validating to hear from others that my suspicions are correct and this is not normal. What I am having a hard time understanding is WHY he would want to control and isolate me.

 

[eoim]

@sam77 My husband was previously in this type of relationship before he was with me. He’s had to unpack a lot of the strange habits and control pieces. It’s not always about physical abuse. Sometimes a person just feels they have to use these tactics in order to get what they want from others.

He was harmed once but it was the isolation from friends, family and weird control issues with their son that stood out most. She needed every waking moment of his day that he wasn’t at work. She wouldn’t let him be close to his family. It was just all about getting her needs met. He couldn’t even work a little late for overtime when they were struggling to make ends meet. She would constantly threaten to leave with their son across state lines if he didn’t meet her demands.

Control is just control. Some people simply like to do it. We’re watching the same thing play out with her current husband and hearing strange comments from my stepson all the time. It’s just something to be aware of and watch out for because it’s a long game and it’s incredibly isolating.

 

[thimbleberry]

@sam77 https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

This book might provide some insight.

 

[solidasrock]

@sam77 Wow I thought you were going to say she like laced a bottle with Valium like your alls reactions are wild and excessive

 

[bynom]

@sam77 This feels like gaslighting you into believing that his controlling behavior is to your daughter's benefit. Using a traumatic event you experienced as a young child as proof seems incredibly manipulative.

 

[k9subsea]

@sam77 He’s not trying to “get ahead of the issues” he’s isolating you from your support system so he can keep you exhausted and under his thumb. I’m extremely concerned that you seem to not see this. He has completely distorted your view of reality.

OP, as a former people pleaser, please, get yourself to therapy.

 

[sam77]

@k9subsea I’m in therapy and so is my husband. We have both had therapists for quite a while. I think this is a case where therapy can only do so much. I don’t see why my husband would want to keep me under his thumb anyway, I don’t even think he particularly likes me that much.

 

[pookatini]

@sam77 You don’t even think he likes you that much???? Why are you with him??

 

[sam77]

@pookatini Because he’s supporting us and we live in one of the most expensive cities in the country. Getting a job and paying for childcare while being a solo parent would be impossible. Maybe once she is of school age it will be more feasible.

 

[dusty68]

@sam77 Move in with your mom. He is abusing you and your daughter. Tell her everything even if you think it is not a big deal. Tell her the things that you think even make you look bad/like the bad guy. She is your mother and she is a woman and she will understand what we are all telling you, that he is abusive and you need to get out and once your mom understands your situation better she will be in a better position to help rescue you and help you and your child move on to the next phase of your lives.

 

[sam77]

@dusty68 I hear you but he is absolutely not abusing our daughter.

 

[danial1234567]

@sam77 He may not like you that much (also part of the abuse situation) - which may increase why he wants to control you. To get power over you and the situation.

However - we don’t need to logic away abuse because “he wouldn’t like me enough to want to control me”. It’s not about his feelings for you. It’s about his inadequacies and his need for power.

 

[carro]

@sam77 your husband doesn’t give a shit about your daughters future “body image”, he is isolating you from your family, gas lighting you that it was both of your ideas in the first place, and nothing about this is normal at all. He is abusive. He may not have hit you , YET, but he wants full control over you and your baby.

 

[bukroot]

@sam77 Wow. This is really concerning. Those are simple mistakes, not anything your mom should be “not allowed” to help you with. Your husband sounds like he is extremely controlling.

 

[grandmaof4]

@sam77 Dude, I’m the mom and I don’t even log diapers and feeds. Most people don’t log that stuff after being released from the hospital or maybe the first week or two. Expecting grandma to log stuff sounds insane.

 

[reysalomon01]

@grandmaof4 Right? Like I understand expecting grandma to use the products you’re supplying, to use extra ointment if asked for changes, etc… to make sure she is feeding what you’ve supplied, not giving them like, water or some weird home remedy of something, etc. Accidentally dumping milk, or dumping without realizing it was a big deal to the pumping mom, and not LOGGING FEEDS into a specific app.. that’s so beyond.

I can’t imagine how hurt I would be if I wasn’t allowed to be alone in a room with my daughter or son’s future child. I would feel so belittled.

No one is entitled to baby time, even grandparents… but when grandma is so willing to come over and just spend time with mom and baby, even when it’s clear she isn’t trusted, and she still is happy enough to where she may send a PICTURE to her son in law and be happy, that hurts my heart for everyone involved. This husband is a total control freak who has warped everyone’s sense of normalcy here it seems.

 

[sam77]

@reysalomon01 I can’t even express to you how heartbroken I feel on a daily basis because of this. It’s not how I imagined my life would go. There is nothing I want more than for my mom to come spend time with me and my daughter during the day and help me out. I spend so much of day just sobbing my eyes out because of the loneliness and insurmountability of it all.