In desperate need of a break but husband won’t let my mom help me

[moniberd]

@sam77 I'd pack up some clothes and the baby with her things and stay at my mom's for a bit if this were happening to me. My mom died years ago and I'd give anything to spend time with her again or have her help with my babies, her grandkids. Please don't waste your time on someone who wants to micromanage and control your life and who you spend time with and when. Life is way too short & fleeting to be sobbing your eyes out over a man who's supposed to be doing the opposite of what he's doing. You don't have to leave LEAVE, but maybe spend a week or two with your mom, a friend, anyone you trust, and tell your husband this is something you need and if he can't respect that, well then tough luck.
You deserve peace.

 

[firedan]

@sam77 I'm so sorry that's how you feel everyday. It's really not healthy. I'm also a SAHM living oversea far far away from my parents or any help. I also don't drive and live rural so it's always just me and baby. It's hard and incredibly lonely but never have I ever felt what you're describing because I can see my husband is trying his absolute best to provide me not just money but happiness, whatever it takes. He's working hard so that we can move back to my home country and have a better life. Please, please stop listening to your husband. His behavior and reasoning are not normal at all...

 

[moniberd]

@sam77 I am so so sorry that you feel this way, I understand how hard it is. I got close to divorce 3 years ago, my husband was not doing his part and was very very emotionally immature. When he realized I was serious about packing up my stuff and leaving with my kids, he stepped up and has since changed. He's still emotionally immature at times and we have learned to compromise a lot, but we are both much much happier now. It's been 3 years and life is so much better.
I hope you have ppl to lean on!! You deserve to live in peace like I said before.

 

[mariefromtexas]

@sam77 Absolutely not.. I’m an immigrant so not a lot of local friends yet (so difficult to make friends as an adult), and we only have one car and two toddlers. I have NEVER felt trapped. If anything I’m the one who insists on me staying home because I believe it’s what best for our kids; but my husband would be absolutely horrified if he ever thought he was making me feel anything remotely like you feel. He goes out of his way to be a good provider and comes home to two toddlers climbing all over him, lets me sleep in in the morning when the one year old doesn’t sleep well (which means staying later at work which he doesn’t like)…

Me and my mom butt heads a lot (complex relationship like yours) and my husband is usually the mediator trying to make us understand the other. How your husband is treating you is not normal.

 

[sam77]

@robphillips79 Thank you so much. This truly means a lot to me. And I relate a bit to what you’re saying about certain issues from the past triggering you and how it’s hard for your partner to see it.

I feel absolutely sick that I am taking part in keeping my mom from her grandchild. With every passing day I know I will regret it more and more. I said in a comment elsewhere that this isn’t the life I pictured for myself and I spend a good part of every day sobbing because of the impossibility of my situation. I hate that this is my life. I really do. I love my daughter but sometimes I wish my life was different and that I wasn’t a mom at all.

 

[grandmaof4]

@sam77 It’s not too late. You can change things. It feels impossible, I know. You can do it though. You are capable of doing the hardest things. You can do anything and be anything.

 

[favourgrace]

@grandmaof4 This is one of the most rigid boundaries I’ve ever heard of, and my son was born at 34 weeks and came home weighing less than five pounds. I feel like this baby was the perfect excuse to control OP.

 

[puddintain]

@favourgrace Ding ding ding. A lot of abusers ramp up in pregnancy/after giving birth

 

[sam77]

@puddintain Really?? Is this a thing? What are the reasons? Anxiety?

 

[puddintain]

@sam77 Cause they think you are trapped and can't escape.

And yeah it's a pretty well known thing...https://www.envisioncounsellingcentre.com/innerpage/resources/partner-abuse/abuse-during-pregnancy/

You were likely asked about it quite a bit during prenatal appts and even pediatricians are trained to try and screen for it.

 

[yamila]

@sam77 I've spilled bottles of my own pumped milk. It happens. And I would never expect my Mom to log anything on any app. I agree with other posters that your husband is trying to cut off your support systems and keep you under his control.

 

[sam77]

@yamila What I am still not understanding is WHY.

 

[1984isnotamanual]

@sam77 Because this is who he is. He’s an abuser.

 

[sam77]

@1984isnotamanual I just have a hard time calling it that when we are well provided for and he has never once been violent.

 

[merrily]

@sam77 Abuse comes in all forms. Sometimes emotional abuse can be even worse than physical abuse.
He is controlling you. Does he yell often? ( this answer doesn’t really matter, I’m just curious)

Could you have painted a terrible
Picture of your mother and perhaps he dislikes her so much that this is the reason? Regardless, it’s YOUR mother. Not his. People can change and your mom may have changed for the better.

Regardless if you want this to work, I think you both need therapy. He needs therapy to figure out and fix his controlling ways and you need therapy so that you can fix why you feel that you shouldn’t have an equal voice in everything. Him making more money than you means nothing. You are doing a full time job. I’m sure he doesn’t view it as that.

Take the help from your mother. Repair any fractures in your relationship with her. She will not be around forever.

Therapy now. You don’t deserve this. I hope the comments make you realize this.

 

[cippy]

@sam77 But are you afraid of him? Because something is making you follow his orders. Why does he get to decide who can help you with the baby and why can’t you decide what works for you? What would happen if you told him your mom is coming to help you and you’re not asking for his approval?

I get that couples should make decisions together but when one party is being completely ridiculous I feel like that rule goes out the window. None of his reasoning makes sense and if he’s not abusive I’m genuinely curious why you’re agreeing to go along with his insanity because I would literally laugh in my husband’s face if he tried to impose any rules like you’ve described and then I’d proceed to do whatever I want, but I understand some women don’t feel safe in their relationships and based on your reluctance to defy him (even when his decisions are absolutely asinine) it seems you are afraid of him. He doesn’t have to be physically violent to be abusive.

I mean he banned your mother from being around your child because she spilled a bottle of milk and bought your daughter a lovely and thoughtful gift??? Does that sound reasonable to you?

 

[sam77]

@cippy I’m not afraid of him. I honestly don’t know why I follow his orders. I have since day one. Early on, things were horrible between us and I feel like I had to work hard to prove myself a good trustworthy partner so ever since then, I have felt that I don’t get a say, my opinion doesn’t matter, that I’m lucky to be in his life/be provided for at all. The first few years of our relationship were marked by intensely controlling behavior and in those years I lost my whole social network and have since built it back up from scratch and had to work hard to get my parents to approve of him too. Again, I don’t know why this happened other than that I feel I don’t deserve to be happy or have a relationship where I have a say. It’s gone on for so long now that to me it’s totally normal to be miserable and upset most of the time. We’ll go through stretches of a few months where everything will be fine and then months where all we do is bicker or argue all day every day. He is accomplished, successful etc and provides well for our family financially but he is a deeply miserable and angry person. I feel constantly like I don’t do enough to make things better.

 

[firedan]

@sam77 Yes this is the definition of a toxic + abusive relationship. It cut you gradually until it's too deep you don't even realize. Love shouldn't hurt. Simple as that.

 

[viesel]

@sam77 I believe you’re being downvoted because your reasons for not letting her babysit are… ridiculous. I would never expect a grandparent to log the feeding and diaper changes. It’s sucks to have a spilled bottle, I was an exclusive pumper I get it, but people are human and make mistakes. It’s a huge over reaction on y’all’s part. It’s not like your mom was doing some egregious, like giving her solids or water without your permission. Also, you know a 1 year old isn’t going to have body issues from grandma buying her clothes. It sounds like you and your husband have serious anxiety issues. I mean this gently. Please let your mom help you. We can’t do this alone.

 

[sam77]

@viesel I would love nothing more than for my mom to help. That is the point of this post. The “mistakes” my mom made with babysitting were of much more concern to my husband than to me, I didn’t think it was a big deal worth being and staying mad about.