In desperate need of a break but husband won’t let my mom help me

@sam77 You’re getting downvoted because what you are describing is controlling behavior that suggests he’s trying to isolate you from your mom - abuse red flag - and you are cheerily not seeing it. But of course you’re not, because he’s gaslighting you about everything.
 
@sam77 He said mom couldn’t help, but didn’t offer an alternative? Call mom up to help.

My partner had a hard rule about something that put more work on me and had zero effect on him either way. I gave him a few weeks to come up with an alternative and he didn’t, so we did it my way. Either he’s a part of the solution or he’s contributing to the problem. You having help vs you continuing to struggle is a no-brainer.
 
@lovechrist4eva This. It’s called skin in the game. Whenever my partner comes up with a new rule or ideal that might fall more on me, such as “hon I think we should send Christmas cards every year” I ask him, more or less, how will he help, or what will he take off my plate to make that possible.

It’s like breastfeeding. Yes I accept that sometimes there are things mom can do that dad can’t. My husband is more invested in EBF than I am. I tell him, “I’m happy to do it, but that means being immobile for a long time and you won’t be able to share the feeding. and I need to guarantee my calories and sleep. and XYZ still needs to be done around the house which I won’t be able to do. Also, I’m taking naptime off to recover if she clusterfeeds. How will you help make it work?”

Then I just sit on my hands and see what he comes up with.
 
@lovechrist4eva I think that in his eyes, it doesn’t matter if it’s a struggle because the most important thing is keeping baby away from my mom’s influence (regarding food/body image etc). I am of the opinion that at her current age it won’t make much of a difference, and by the time she’s old enough to understand it, I won’t need my mom’s help as much anyway.
 
@sam77 A mom in desperate need of help is the issue. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You can’t take care of your children if you’re struggling. You should try to change his perspective. Because he’s overlooking you, his wife, and focusing on his pride. I hope you won’t resolve to just accepting this. Advocating for yourself in a marriage is participating in it. Ask him to come up with an alternative. The point is you need help.
 
@sam77 These are very extreme reactions… None of this sounds normal or healthy. I don’t want to make too bold of an assumption based on one post; however, your husband sounds quite controlling. It also sounds like he might be trying to isolate you. I would worry more about the impact your husband will have on your daughter than possibly receiving the wrong size clothing.
 
@sam77 And that’s not his call to make. Unless she’s outright abusing your daughter- and she isn’t- you’re her mother, and you get a say in who your daughter is around.
 
@sam77 Yes that’s what I was trying to imply. It’s not about clothes, it’s about isolating you and controlling you. The more asinine rules he makes, the easier it is for him to so. As your daughter gets older, it will likely only get worse. This type of control isn’t healthy, and I worry about the impact that could have on your daughter when she’s older.
 
@sam77 Um what? He should not get a say when YOU are the primary stay at home parent! Don't let him have the control in this entire situation.

Tell him this, either he pays for a babysitter/mommy's helper for when you need help or have your mom.
 
@devanox He’s happy to have us pay a babysitter for date nights etc and I’m sure I could convince him that occasional daytime help could be nice (so I could get a haircut, go to the eye doctor etc). The issue is that he keeps moving the goal posts about my mom in particular and it’s a lot for me to handle because I’m the one who has to keep coming up with excuses for her about why she can’t come, etc.
 
@sam77 Babysitter for HIM. For HIS date nights, cause it only really benefits him.

Tell him straight up "hey, I know my mom did this but I need the help and our baby is older now, she is helping me on X day" don't ask, just do
 
@sam77 Why do you need his permission? he isn't even there! Just let her help with the baby so you can get a break. This sounds borderline abusive.
 
@key923 Because of the worry that she will take pics of the baby and send them to him, or mention next time we see her that she was over at our place helping with the baby recently. I don’t want to get in the situation of telling her we need to keep it a secret when she helps. That feels super wrong to me.
 
@heyimeugene Definitely not. It took my parents a long time to come around to liking my partner early on and I don’t want to start back at square one and admit that things aren’t perfect.
 
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