I made a list of pros and cons of having a second (to convince my husband to be OAD)

[serhii]

I tried to show that the cons outweigh the pros. He is still trying to convince me otherwise...

Pros

• Babies are precious and their sentimental value is through the roof
• Current son (2M) would have a playmate (also a rival for attention)
• Society seems to expect that I have more than one
• Husband and family would be happy
• Husband would enjoy the optics of having a seemingly “perfect” family
• I enjoy picking a name/nursery theme
• Having a girl would be a well-rounded experience (since I currently have a boy)

Cons

• Can't handle it physically
  
  -Pregnancy was uncomfortable, birth was traumatic, recovery was long and painful
  
  -Don't want to tear again (had 3rd degree tear in perineum, stitches broke and had surgery a week later, couldn’t sit in a chair for 2 months due to the pain)
  
  -For 2 years my body wasn't my own (9 months pregnancy + 15 months breastfeeding)
  
  -Couldn't take my pain medications during that time (needed because of a chronic health condition)
  
  -Feel pressure to lose all the baby weight
• Can't handle it emotionally
  
  -Was depressed and suicidal after the birth
  
  -I get socially drained from watching babies/kids for long stretches of time
• Can't handle it logistically
  
  -Have a hard time juggling my responsibilities already
  
  -Don't have the bandwidth
  
  -Don't want to feel pressure to quit my job since I prefer working
  
  -I think that having divided attention would be negative for the son we have (if I'm being 100% of a good parent now, then I think that would be more like 50% if another child is in the mix)
  
  -Husband's lack of support/help during the first child (didn’t change diapers, hold baby much, forced me to live with his mom*)

*For additional context: Due to the pandemic, we delayed sending the kid to daycare. Instead, my MIL lived with us for 7 months. But it was a toxic situation that I begged my husband to end, but he didn’t listen to me. My MIL is very controlling, and I’m a people-pleaser, and I felt bulldozed and spineless during that time. I didn’t get to parent my child the way I wanted to (she interfered in sleep training/wouldn’t allow “cry it out”, insisted the baby only wear 100% cotton, etc.). Now my husband and I are in couples counseling. Even when he expresses that he won’t force me to live with her again (and that he’ll help in the day-to-day care of a new baby), it’s hard to trust him after the neglect of the first time.

• I always used to say when asked about how many kids I wanted, "I'll start with one and see how it goes." Spoiler: It didn't go well.
• Regarding my husband’s lack of support, I keep thinking, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
• There are risks, like miscarriage, premature birth, developmental problems, health problems.
• Having fewer kids would be more environmental and would save money. Our current house would continue to be enough space for all of us.
• My husband seems discontent as soon as he gets what he wants (e.g., a raise/promotion), so he just wants more more more. I think that he should appreciate what he has. I've told him that if what he wants is a lot of babies, then he can find another woman to give that to him (and our relationship would end).
• How safe/stable is the world and future for kids? The pandemic, the war, climate change, women losing basic rights all make it a rough place to bring new life into
• Having rivals for attention can be hard for kids and make them feel less special (like how my mom doesn't remember my first word/first step). I don't want to miss any of that for either kid. I want to be fully invested in what I have.

It reminds me of the song “Both Sides Now”: I’ve looked at pregnancy, birth, infancy from both sides, and while it’s easy to get lost in the illusions of warm fuzzies with a precious baby, from a practical standpoint, it doesn’t seem like a good idea for me.

Since I'm such a people pleaser, I do feel torn by the idea of pleasing my husband/family/society. I'm trying to stay strong and consider my own needs.

 

[ldssurvivor]

@serhii I understand you're a people pleaser however based on what you've written here your husband will never be satisfied so you will end up having multiple children with someone who does not give a flying fuck about you and your physical and mental health needs. All he wants is that temporary high that getting what he wants gives him. It will never be enough.

Now, think about that when it comes to your child(possibly more children). They will constantly be trying to win their fathers approval their entire life but will always be feeling less than because he will never be satisfied. You know first hand how rough it is to be a people pleaser. Do you really want your child(ren) to have to endure that as well?

 

[ionut7]

@serhii Not trying to be harsh but I think your husband should be in the cons list in all caps. If he didn’t help the first time around, he’s not going to to step up when things are exponentially harder (which it will be with two kids). Take care of yourself. You are just as important. Postpartum depression is typically much worse the second time around (I did a lot of research since I’m Bipolar and discussed it with my psychiatrist). I’ll second the other people on here saying you need to be in charge of your birth control. Placebo pills are paler so keep an eye out if you use a weekly pill container like I do (where someone can switch things up). Take that people-pleaser side of yourself and turn it around on yourself. Do what is good for YOU. If that feels selfish (which it shouldn’t) then just remember that your son will be happier with a happy mom.

 

[dyesa]

@serhii Sounds like you're definitely one and done. Babies shouldn't be a compromise. If it's not an emphatic "YES" from both of you. The answer is no. Don't give in to his pressure to have another so he can look like he has the perfect family among other reasons. Who would be doing the majority of the child care? You?

 

[jameslaurich]

@serhii Since your husband is the one seeking this massive change and decision using your body, the burden of convincing should be on him, not you. I’m curious why you’re putting forth effort like this for what is a clear “no” for you instead of him putting forth detailed effort to convince you otherwise. Why is this your problem? If anything, this list should serve to give you security and peace with your decision. I wouldn’t waste my energy on it anymore. No means no and that’s okay.

 

[therese1234]

@serhii Wow your husband is an ass

 

[cornopean]

@serhii You had me at depressed/suicidal after the birth of your son. This right here is my fear and why I’m OAD… my concern is that it’ll be worse with a second child

 

[tony717]

@serhii ‘I don’t want to have another child’ needs to be enough.

 

[streetpreachergirl]

@serhii I laughed at the pros hahahaha !! They are just not worth it

 

[quantum777]

@serhii I am OAD due to chronic health and a traumatic birth. That alone is reason to stop. I think you sound very set. Your husband doesn't carry the baby, his life doesn't change much with a baby. Stick to your guns.

 

[anonymous95]

@serhii My only pro would be getting to name another baby, all the rest is cons

 

[lunanica]

@anonymous95 LOL right?

 

[vap841]

@serhii I'm so sorry you had such a hard time during pregnancy, the birth and post partum! It really is so tough and I very much understand where you are coming from.

I also had so many cons on my list/it was so overwhelmingly obvious that the right thing for my health (physical, mental, spiritual etc) was to be OAD, yet I still struggled to make peace with that for a long time. My light bulb moment came when I considered how I would cope with the possibility of either myself or my partner dying. I know it's very extreme, but would you be able to live a good life and provide for multiple kids on your own? If something was to happen to you, could you trust that your partner would give your children a good life and raise them in a way that you would be proud?

I know this hurts to hear, but your partner is not being a good one. How can there be so many risks to your health, and he's still pushing for another child? Doesn't sound like he cares about your wellbeing... I am glad you are going to counselling, because he really needs to work through his own issues about why he thinks he needs another kid, when currently he's not even a decent parent to his current one (the fact he didn't help change diapers and barely held/holds baby much, is just outrageous to me!), nor a decent partner. He sounds like he left you to drown with a newborn (probably still isn't a very involved parent) and anyone who was in your situation would have serious trust issues too! Your stance that if he wants more kids, your relationship is done and he should look elsewhere, is perfectly valid and fair.

I don’t know if this may help, but tap into the people pleaser tendencies for your son and yourself ONLY! Would your son be happy if you're unwell and can't be present physically and mentally? What would you tell a good friend if they were in this dilemma? We are often kinder to others than we are to ourselves, and this shouldn't be the way! Your needs are important and you are doing amazing! Please take care of yourself.

 

[zlibrary]

@vap841 This covers everything pretty much. All I would add it that some of your pros sound like low key cons (things you put in parentheses or quotation marks, in particular). I've thought a lot about these same things myself, I hope you put yourself first before your husband and his family. YOU are the one with baby right now and how can it get more supportive with a 2nd? I can't imagine it. I am here if you want someone to talk to, feel free to DM me (40f FTM, OAD).

 

[vap841]

@zlibrary I second what @zlibrary said about support! I was told by a friend that when she tried for a second child, she thought it would be twice the work, but it was actually about 15x the work. This is why they say it takes a village!

Having a child makes us women so vulnerable. Physical and mental recovery can take months to years, especially if you have a birth injury/complications. Feeding a baby is hard, no matter how you do it (crazy hormones with breastfeeding or pumping, endless washing/sterilising of bottles, anxiety if there's formula shortages etc). Let's not forget that sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture, yet so many women are expected to take the full load of meeting their baby's needs at all hours of the day. The amount of pressure is honestly obscene. We are incredible and I am shocked that all societies don't worship women!

Now back to my point about support... Do you have people in your life that you trust and can help you? It's so heartbreaking to feel that the person you thought had your back and is supposed to care about you, is making your life harder (making you do mental gymnastics to justify why you are not interested in having another child). Is your partner the sole income earner? So many women put up with less than ideal relationships when they have children, because they would be thrust into poverty if they left. I am not saying this is your situation OP, or that leaving is the immediate answer, but ask yourself if finances is a factor as to why you may be subconsciously trying to "people please" with your husband/family/society.

EDITED: I just read your post again properly and you mentioned you are working. Please don't give up on your job/career that you worked hard for! It's so important for you to feel fulfilled in that area of your life too, and no one should make you feel guilty for that.

 

[edwinqui]

@serhii Your pros are either about other people or temporary. Picking a nursery theme is a one time thing and shouldn't be a consideration for a lifetime commitment. Unless your husband and family are going to actively help raise the kid, then their opinions are invalid and should not be considered. Optics and society are never, ever good reasons to do anything. You may not have a girl. Children are babies for only a couple years, then they grow up - the sentimental value of babies is nothing when considering an entire lifetime.

Meanwhile, your cons list is HUGE, and it's heavily focused on you - your health, emotions, and stability. It really seems like subconsciously you do not want another child.

 

[topazio]

@serhii Don’t let them bully you to have another kid. I could have written your post. I had also 3rd degree tear down there and I was a month in pain taking strong pain killers. My MIL didn’t live with us but her expectations were to be every day with me and especially the baby. My husband didn’t defend me and precisely this evening after doing all the childcare of the day like 90 per cent of the days I thought to myself: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I repeat this as a mantra which is funny because I am not English native and it doesn’t exist in my language

 

[katrina2017]

@serhii I’ll be 100% honest here, I used to see TONS of post about mothers 3-5 kids deep asking how to manage with zero help from the husband.

There are signs one kid in, no one wants to acknowledge that. It’s not a “men aren’t good with kids” thing, I know some women who are also not great with kids and I wouldn’t want them having kids for a partner to basically raise alone.

One kid in, yes you can absolutely say you expected differently from a partner as a parent and I would feel empathetic for you. 4 kids in, you know damn well of you can handle it or not.

 

[umar]

@serhii Instead of making lists, please remember that “no” is a complete sentence. Even (or rather, especially) in a discussion about reproductive choices.

 

[thehighlander]

@serhii Well you convinced me and I’m sure if you read what you wrote you should be convinced too of OAD. That’s very selfish of him to have not helped at all during the baby phase. That never crossed my mind that it’s my wife’s job to do everything. Of course the breastfeeding was all on her but changing diapers, rocking her to sleep, etc is a 2 person job. We both did our parts. Honestly your husband is a selfish POS and spineless. Keep it to one kid for your own mental and physical health.