I don't know if I can bear to lose another baby

[saramae]

My husband and decided before we got married that we wanted two chidlren. It took us a long time to conceive our little girl (over 3 years), and during pregnancy my placenta stopped working properly and she was born prematurely by emergency c-section at 33 weeks, then spent 5 weeks in ICU. I found the baby stage really hard tbh, she barely slept, couldn't be put down and cried a lot. However she's now the most delightful toddler and our absolute world.

When she was about 20 months old we were delighted to conceive our second child almost as soon as we started trying. However at the 20 week scan, they told us she was very small, and after more tests we found out my placenta wasn't functioning properly again, only this time it happened much earlier. We were told we would probably lose our baby, and after 6 agonising weeks of weekly scans and desperately hoping for a miracle, her heart stopped. Needless to say were, and still are, heartbroken.

It is now almost 6 months later and we've just had an appointment with our consultant to discuss the postmortem results. She said there is about a 25% chance of it happening again. A small enough chance that another baby feels possible, but a big enough chance that trying again feels terrifying. Even though we never really questioned trying for two children before, both me and my husband both feel really unsure about it now. I think we expected the risks to be higher so had started to consider that we might only have one child and all the advantages of that. Although there is still part of me that would love another, I'm terrified of losing them, and even if we didn't, I feel scared about going through the baby stage again with a toddler to look after too. The sleep deprivation last time was severe and I feel old and tired! But I don't know if that's just what I'm telling myself to avoid facing the fear and uncertainty that another pregnancy would bring. I'm 40 this year, so time isnt on our side with making this decision.

I know it is obviously a decision only we can make, but I'd be grateful for any thoughts or similar experiences. Thank you.

 

[little1]

@saramae I've had multiple losses. After my second loss (which was before we had a living child) I didn't know how I could go through it again. The advice I was given is that you're ready to try when the fear of never having that child outweighs the fear of another loss. It's really hard to know, and pregnancy after a loss is often riddled with anxiety and doubt, but thinking about it that way helped me decide

ETA: Have they done any testing to understand why your placenta failed? I presume so, but thought I'd ask since sometimes it can be something like a blood clotting disorder, which is treatable

 

[saramae]

@little1 Thanks for this reply and so sorry to hear of your losses.

They've done tests and ruled out blood clotting disorders etc so it's an unknown really.

 

[terrencealmar]

@saramae Hi there, we lost twins ( girl and boy ) in the middle of our pregnancy. With every pregnancy there’s a chance, sometimes you have to decide do you desire more kids to the point your willing to make that risk! I feel if you’re worried about the time clock, deep down you’re willing to do anything to have your baby in your arms soon. Don’t let a small risk factor, affect your ultimate desire. I am also deeply sorry you experience a loss of pregnancy, it something I wish on no family!

We are also trying and I’m scared too for loosing, plus we have a 4 year old and I didn’t want an age gap per say, as I had HG pregnancy ( non stop sickness) and worried about having an older kid running around ontop of it.

I think deep in your heart you’re trying to rationalize reasons you DONT want to face the fear of 25%.

Motherhood is scary, all the unknown and what ifs, but to me I would suggest trying, you seem like a caring mom who knows she wants a 2nd.

 

[emm3635]

@saramae

I feel scared about going through the baby stage again with a toddler to look after too

If someone told me they were considering a second and weren't worried about this, I'd advise they reconsider. This and renegotiating 2 vs. 1 to become 2 vs. 2 are the hardest part of the adjustment.

You're totally fit and ready, even though the fear will last until there's a baby in your arms.

 

[bobharms]

@saramae I know a few people here are advocating for you to go for it again but I’m going to offer a slightly different view. I’m in a similar situation to you in that I have one child who’s the light of my life but whose early babyhood almost killed me. He was a total Velcro baby and I had a hard pregnancy and birth. I was advised that if I had another pregnancy I would have to have a C section and there could be major complications.

I always imagined having 2 but have ultimately elected not to have another. I love the fact that I can afford to give my son the best of everything plus 100% of my attention. I love that I won’t experience postpartum anxiety again that could interfere with our family life. I love that I can plan cool trips, international travel, that me and my husband can give each other lie-ins and weekends because solo caring for one is so much easier and less depleting than two.

I thought about the worst case scenario and considered that it’s possible I could have a premature child with some disabilities. I’m just not cut out to handle that, if I’m completely honest with myself. I’m highly resilient so I WOULD but I wouldn’t enjoy life.

Remember that doubling down on what you have isn’t settling for a consolation prize. It can also be joyous, exciting and liberating

 

[saramae]

@bobharms Thanks for this, it resonated with me as if I'm honest I'm not just scared of losing another baby, but of the fact they could be born very with early with lots of disabilities and that's also not what I want for our life, and the impact it would have on my daughter. The idea of not having another makes me feel really sad but also a bit relieved. I just wish I could know it would all be ok but of course we can't and I'm suddenly much more aware of all the risks.