I don’t really have time to make this rant but I feel like I’m about to explode

[eleader22]

I’ve been back for maternity leave for 6 weeks. My boss left last week for a 2.5 week vacation. We are smack in the middle of our busy season. The workload has always been manageable (and often light even) for me before, but they’ve made some changes while I was out that have increased the workload for me. Now that my boss is OOO, people keep reaching out directly to me to ask me to do things. Stuff is just getting added to my to do list, never checked off.

On top of that, we have a janky email platform. I have accidentally become “the person” you come to if you’re having issues with the formatting of the emails. Except I have no web design type training/experience, so sometimes fixing whatever the problem is takes 10 minutes or sometimes it takes me half a day.

And one of my coworkers is a prime example of how computer illiterate some of Gen Z is. She needs so much handholding for basic shit. I don’t know that she has ever googled something in her life. I had to teach her how to resize images.

My husband is currently on leave right now. When I was on leave, he was in the office 5 days a week, but I WFH. Which means I am not getting any work/life separation right now. I’m about to hand off the baby to him so I can log on 15 minutes early and try to get some work done? “Oh I have to drop the dog off at daycare and take some cash out of the ATM, be back in 30!” And then when he gets back, “Can you hold her? I need to use the bathroom” and then he goes and camps out for 20 minutes. Then any time she cries (which is like all the time right now because she’s getting her first tooth): “I think she’s hungry!”

I’m logging in between 9-9:30 every day instead of 8-8:30 when I need to be. And I’m still logging out at 3:30-4 because she needs to be nursed to sleep for one nap a day still or she gets so overtired and honestly I want to be able to do that but not at the expense of my job!

And it’s so frustrating because I didn’t want to go back to work after my leave ended. My husband didn’t want to be the sole breadwinner and he didn’t want to change our lifestyle so we could afford to live on one salary. I understand and respect that. But like, if you want me to work, I’m going to need you to treat my job like it’s as important as yours.

She starts at daycare next week so I think things will improve exponentially at that point but jfc I may have a break down before then.

 

[grace4nan]

@eleader22 Girl, you need boundaries everywhere! You need them with your husband. He can take the baby to the bathroom with him, I had to. He can take the baby to the ATM and dog daycare drop-off. You need to tell him, No, I'm working!

And then at work, "my plate is full, I won't be able to help you with this today" "no"

 

[kangaroodort]

@grace4nan Exactly this, and specifically to coworkers asking questions you can Google. Literally tell them (nicely) to do that. E.g. "Hey, I'm a little swamped, I think there are some easy to understand instructions online for this if you search on Google". It doesn't serve anyone in the long run to continue as you are now.

 

[pcalu]

@kangaroodort Absolutely. Another way to handle coworkers might be to ask them what they’ve tried first before asking you. If / when they say nothing, ask them to Google it first and come back to you if that doesn’t work, letting you know exactly what they tried first.

 

[grace4nan]

To add to this tell your husband exactly what you told us, "if he wants you to work, he needs to treat your job as importantly as he treats his own" which means from 8am till 4pm you are working and not available to him, unless you make yourself available. You both need to pretend your not home

 

[daddylopez1963]

@grace4nan Yes! Boundaries! Everyone is walking all over OP. “No” is a full sentence. It is totally fine to just tell people you don’t have time (including the husband who can certainly take the baby to the ATM with him).

 

[abzin44]

@grace4nan

OP needs to just say no. No to her husband. No to her coworkers. I’ve been in her position before, at home at least, and I made sure my husband understood that when I went back to work and he took off leave he would be responsible for everything I was responsible for when I was on leave and then I stood by it. I pushed back and I checked in on him (“did you vacuum today?”).

 

[nimbus]

@eleader22 Sounds like you need to leave and go work in a library during the mornings! If your husband can't understand the separation between WFH and just being home, you've gotta physically show him.

Returning from leave sucks. I'm sorry work is being so stressful on top of everything else!

 

[minimiura]

@eleader22 Your husband needs to take the baby with him for errands while you are working. Daycare will make a huge difference for you, hang in there!

 

[rosiem]

@eleader22 I am sorry, but no. You need to put your foot down and tell your husband that just bc you are WFH does not mean that you are available to take care of the baby, and relieve him. He has to go to the ATM? Strap the baby in the car seat and take the baby with you, use the drive through atm if avail. Has to use the bathroom? Get a bouncer and place the baby in there while he uses the restroom. Baby is hungry? Ok, you are a parent, get her something to eat! He needs to step it up.

 

[justkevin85]

@eleader22 It’s really hard when you work at home and there’s a caregiver at home. Can you try set break times where you’re willing to “help” or give him a break, or some sort of signal like open/closed door? If not, you might have to leave to work. Lots of people put in a 1/2 day from the library or whatever.

I empathize with you, my husband became a SAHD after our youngest was born and somehow I worked harder at home and at work, instead of feeling any relief. I’m sorry you’re in this season, though. It’s such a hard one!

 

[kolinfarrel]

@justkevin85 If you feel comfortable, can you elaborate on how it got harder when your husband was a SAHD? We were considering this but I am nervous for this exact reason

 

[justkevin85]

@kolinfarrel Sure. He was mentally exhausted by caring for the baby all day, so basically he got the bare minimum done during the day and no one was “thriving”. Baby was cared for by a loving family member, sure. A good example is at 12 weeks my little guy got RSV and my husband wouldn’t even call the Dr so I had to. Then I had to take off work to take him in. Then when he was admitted to the hospital only I stayed and my husband saw it as a “break” for him instead of me missing the work that paid our bills or having someone there to lean on in a difficult time. When I needed emotional support because becoming the sole income is stressful, he couldn’t provide it. Hes not a bad partner overall like this makes him sound- but being a SAHD turned him into a bad partner for a season. It was worth it to know our baby was with someone who had absolutely love and care, but when he turned 2 we put him into daycare because our relationship couldn’t survive the SAHD dynamic anymore.

 

[kolinfarrel]

@justkevin85 That’s interesting, thank you for sharing. I don’t think my husband would thrive as a SAHD either so we probably wouldn’t go that route either.

Thanks again for sharing your story! I hope day care has been a better fit for your family!

 

[sabresong]

@eleader22 I give you permission to say "sorry, I don't have time, but look online and I'm sure you'll find a way to do it" to these people. Also, I'm surprised your boss was allowed to take so much time off in busy season unless it was like for Chinese NY or something!

 

[rebecca25]

@eleader22 Boundaries!

1. Leave the house. Good for you. Good for husband. Good for baby. Prep a bottle so you can nurse, leave, he can do a bottle, you come back in 4-6 hours. Do you have an office or a coworking space to go into?
2. Boundaries at work. You don’t have to show coworkers everything. Delegate to someone else to teach her or find an online course and send it to her and tell her to complete asap.
3. Push back. Tell people “boss is OOO until x date. Project y will have to wait until he returns so I can handle a b c”

 

[chanamalon]

@eleader22 Can you go work in a cooking space or the library or a coffee shop or literally anywhere away from your house until he realizes that he doesn’t have the option?
Can you put a lock on the door and wear noise cancelling headphones?

You definitely need to say “dude I’m NOT HERE. Pretend I’ve left the house if you need but I am NOT AVAILABLE FOR CHILD CARE WHILE IM AT WORK”

I found using the phrase “at work” instead of “working” really helped me and my spouse and my kid create a stronger mental association even while I WFH.

I will say “I’m going to work now, see you later” or “I’m at work all day” or “I can’t do that, since I’ll be at work” (instead of “I can’t, I’m working”) for some reason has helped get over the “yeah but you’re home” response. No; I’m at work.

 

[ninsh]

@eleader22 It sucks to go back to work when you don’t want to. I’m sorry your husband isn’t taking it seriously - time for a real boundary convo or yes taking your work outside to a library if you can.

 

[marker855]

@eleader22 I can relate to so much of this!! I also recently returned while my partner started his leave and he has yet to manage all the things I was doing on his own. I still have to do bedtime for baby, bathtime, in the AM toddler dressed and cleaned up, feed baby, do lunches, etc. He was even asking me to do drop off. I was SO frustrated and frankly exhausted.

It sucks and makes me feel awful but I stopped stepping in. Last night the baby was crying and he was struggling and I just sat on my phone on the couch. It was 8pm and the first time I had stopped working since 6am that morning. He looked at me like “are you gonna step in” and I didn’t. And, he eventually figured it out (put her in her stroller and pushed her around for a bit). I shouldn’t have to, and I reminded him that I did ALL of these things while on my leave, but i’m back to work and these are his job now. And, I deserve a moment of peace for a few minutes. I work a high level job and so can’t take a nap or have downtime during the day like he can.

 

[goonie]

@eleader22 Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. This is a great time to practice just saying no. Trying to do all of this all the time will put you on a fast track to burn out (ask me how I know!).

I WFH and this used to happen when my husband would be home for a day with our child. So I started working in my office with the door locked and noise canceling headphones on. Your husband can handle it. Tell him you start work promptly at 8am and he needs to act like you are not there.

When your husband asks “can’t you hold her real quick?” “No I can’t, I’m working. Try the swing while you’re using the bathroom that’s what I did while I was on leave.” Repeat ad nauseam.

If something’s wrong with someone emails, tell them “sorry I’m swamped right now maybe [name of tech person] can help.” And stop holding hands, let people figure it out.

I know it’s easier said than done, but trust that your husband or your coworkers will not drown without you there to hold their hands. You can’t let them pull you under too. They will learn to swim.