I am 23 F living with mom and dad right after college. Advice

shirl

New member
Ever since I was a child, I have always felt that my mom can get angry really quickly. This will go on for days, settle for a couple weeks and then happen again.

Mom likes a clean house and likes controlled situations. When I say clean, I mean showy. We live in 2 story house with an unfinished basement. Chandeliers are all over the house. Greek looking structures. Very white and gold. I feel like she imagines stains in the rugs sometimes. If something isn't absolutely perfect, it must be cleaned and it's obviously my fault or dad's fault. She gets angry so easily sometimes. When she's not in rage mode she wants to be close to me and it's almost like she's a different person. So during these times it's tough not to be close to her. Especially since she expects it.

I barely got my degree in biology recently. Graduated in August. I moved home. It's created a lot of tension. I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. It's gotten better since I've been home bc I'm not living alone. I went into outpatient in October. That helped. I've been on so many different meds in the past 5 years.
I have difficulty believing in my ability to succeed in school ever since my sophomore year in college when the anxiety really started to get bad bc of abusive romantic relationships and just a general weird change in my brain it seemed.

Ever since I was a kid (8 years and up) mom has fed into my head that I'm lazy. I got amazing grades until sophomore year in college when I kind of just mentally collapsed. After that I've never been the same. Now that I'm home, she consistently makes me feel like I'm some lazy freeloader. Even though I work a part time job sometimes with full time hours (since October immediately after outpatient) and have signed up for prerequisites for nursing school (I can't live on my own in this area with the 15 an hour I'd make from the more common graveyard shift temp biology jobs). I've stopped seeing friends as much in the area because mom gets mad when I'm doing something "unproductive". I'm scared that I won't be able to succeed in school. I think I can do better now that I'm feeling a bit better, but mom says that if I don't get A's I have to pay for those classes.

She complains about paying for my healthcare and lodging and food and phone. She tells me I waste her life. She can't go on vacation until I'm independent. So there's pressure for me to go back to school and do really well.

My folks make at least 200k a year.

She does things to single me out: like dad's allowed to eat in his room bc he earns it and I'm not allowed to bc I do nothing to deserve it.

Dad and I both think she needs help. I still need help and see doctors regularly. Can't talk to her about this stuff bc it just feeds the fire. I love her a lot for who she is outside these periods of time when she's like this.

And to be fair, I have done some things that may warrant an angry response.
I've made a lot of mistakes in college especially. I made relationships a higher priority than school. After outpatient it finally clicked that I don't have to be in a relationship. I did try moving to Indiana right out of college bc of a significant other. In part also bc I didn't want to move back home. I ended up adopting a cat and brought him home.

The cat has been great therapy and I use my job to pay for his food and everything. Mom sometimes really likes the cat. Other times she gets angry that he's here. And I understand that.

To me, I'm just trying to survive and feel okay and eventually be independent while trying to do what I can not to upset my ma. I've made mistakes but I don't feel I deserve what ma says and does and screams and cusses about at times.

She says she wants a clean home and a happy family and deserves a better daughter. Dad defends me a lot but also defends her a lot for fear of divorce.

She expects me to be able to handle things the same way she does. As well as everyone else around her.

She almost always apologizes once her rage episode is over.

I could go on and on about this stuff but that's the gist I think.

Advice?
 
@shirl Saying she "deserves a better daughter" is a terrible thing for any parent to think, much less say to their child. That's poison.

Yes your mom needs help. Why hasn't she gotten it?

You are never the cause or the reason for any tantrum your mother chooses to throw. None of the rotten filth that spews from her mouth is deserved. Her horrible rages are never caused by you.

She is an adult, she should have learned self control and hoe to manage her emotions before you were ever born. For whatever reason, she never did. Again, that is not your fault.

You said you can't afford to live on your own. Can you find a place to move into with a roommate? Can you afford to rent a bedroom out of someone's house?

I think the best thing for your mental health would be to remove yourself from the toxic living environment that is your parent's home.
 
@katrina2017 This isn't a constant thing. It build up, rage, then an era of peace for a couple weeks. It always ends with an apology. I know it's better for me to be independent. But I need a degree that can help me live comfortably with my cat and a vehicle. I can't do that now. I don't know anyone I can room with. And I don't want a stranger bc it would be more problematic. Also wouldn't have the money to move out or afford rent while going to school.

This is my only option rn. It's not bad when things are peaceful. It's just hard during rage episodes. I know well enough to try not to believe what she says. I've learned techniques to pacify angry people from living with my folks and from abusive relationships. Once it's over I can relax until it happens again.

I wish she would get help. Dad and I have tried talking to her about it but she denies having any issues. "You're the one who doesn't have a vehicle, long lasting marriage, house, money, etc. I'm successful in life. You're the one who needs help"
 
@shirl Except yourndad has all those things. By the way x what you're describing (rage, peace, rage), is called the "cycle of abuse". Google that phrase. It's something like Rage, reconciliation (apologies), the honeymoon period (peace), then back to rage again.

Or something like that. Your mother is abusive to you.

Her peaceful moments do not negate the abusive ones.
 
@katrina2017 Yes. I absolutely agree. However I cannot get away from this right now. I'm very familiar with abuse. And I know that's what this is. It doesn't mean that I can't survive. I can't really exit the situation right now. I've been reading up on ways to deal with high conflict people. It's very similar to how dad's taught me to deal with her lol
 
@shirl Get out of there. I know you're stressed about money and jobs, but find a roommate or 3 (so you're not alone and it's cheaper) and get out of there.
 
@shirl It feels impossible but it's not. Ask for your father's support for moving out and talk to the dean of your school about what support (financial/social services) you can get from them so you can finish your education. This won't be the first time the school has had a student that needed their support to finish her degree.
 
@blitzking I have finished my first degree. I'm applying to nursing school in June.

Dad won't support me on this. He hasn't in the past (a few months ago). He says he's lived with her for a long time and so can I.

Best thing for me is to learn how to pacify the situation as quickly as possible without giving into her opinion of me. Without bowing down to her, essentially.

The sooner I complete the 2.5 years of nursing school the sooner I can move out.

As it is, fafsa will not support my second bachelors degree much. I don't know that they'll allow me to take out loans. Bc I'm filling it out at 23 I won't get the support that I would get at 24, and it lasts from 2017-18 rather than just the one year.
If I leave, I will not be able to support myself.
No vehicle, no college, no phone, no ability to drive to work. Plus you never know if your roommate is crazy or not.
I live in a suburb of Chicago where apartments are 800/month on the low end. And there are very few on Craigslist. Especially if I'm taking my cat.
 
@shirl
Plus you never know if your roommate is crazy or not.

You seem to have convinced yourself you cannot move out and I doubt anything I say will change that if you prefer dealing with the certainty of abuse over the uncertainty of independence.

However, as someone who has moved into countless roommate situations in my youth, I can tell you that it is simply not true that you are incapable of finding a good roommate situation near a major (expensive) city. I lived with roommates for 15 years and never had a crazy one. Not because I have great luck or great social skills, but because I put some effort into interviewing potential roommates and getting a sense of who they were before I moved in.
 
@blitzking Yeah. I guess I'd rather take financial stability over avoiding an abusive situation. If you can refer me to any good articles on how to deal with high conflict people, that would be helpful. :) I haven't found all that much.
 
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