Ever since I was a child, I have always felt that my mom can get angry really quickly. This will go on for days, settle for a couple weeks and then happen again.
Mom likes a clean house and likes controlled situations. When I say clean, I mean showy. We live in 2 story house with an unfinished basement. Chandeliers are all over the house. Greek looking structures. Very white and gold. I feel like she imagines stains in the rugs sometimes. If something isn't absolutely perfect, it must be cleaned and it's obviously my fault or dad's fault. She gets angry so easily sometimes. When she's not in rage mode she wants to be close to me and it's almost like she's a different person. So during these times it's tough not to be close to her. Especially since she expects it.
I barely got my degree in biology recently. Graduated in August. I moved home. It's created a lot of tension. I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. It's gotten better since I've been home bc I'm not living alone. I went into outpatient in October. That helped. I've been on so many different meds in the past 5 years.
I have difficulty believing in my ability to succeed in school ever since my sophomore year in college when the anxiety really started to get bad bc of abusive romantic relationships and just a general weird change in my brain it seemed.
Ever since I was a kid (8 years and up) mom has fed into my head that I'm lazy. I got amazing grades until sophomore year in college when I kind of just mentally collapsed. After that I've never been the same. Now that I'm home, she consistently makes me feel like I'm some lazy freeloader. Even though I work a part time job sometimes with full time hours (since October immediately after outpatient) and have signed up for prerequisites for nursing school (I can't live on my own in this area with the 15 an hour I'd make from the more common graveyard shift temp biology jobs). I've stopped seeing friends as much in the area because mom gets mad when I'm doing something "unproductive". I'm scared that I won't be able to succeed in school. I think I can do better now that I'm feeling a bit better, but mom says that if I don't get A's I have to pay for those classes.
She complains about paying for my healthcare and lodging and food and phone. She tells me I waste her life. She can't go on vacation until I'm independent. So there's pressure for me to go back to school and do really well.
My folks make at least 200k a year.
She does things to single me out: like dad's allowed to eat in his room bc he earns it and I'm not allowed to bc I do nothing to deserve it.
Dad and I both think she needs help. I still need help and see doctors regularly. Can't talk to her about this stuff bc it just feeds the fire. I love her a lot for who she is outside these periods of time when she's like this.
And to be fair, I have done some things that may warrant an angry response.
I've made a lot of mistakes in college especially. I made relationships a higher priority than school. After outpatient it finally clicked that I don't have to be in a relationship. I did try moving to Indiana right out of college bc of a significant other. In part also bc I didn't want to move back home. I ended up adopting a cat and brought him home.
The cat has been great therapy and I use my job to pay for his food and everything. Mom sometimes really likes the cat. Other times she gets angry that he's here. And I understand that.
To me, I'm just trying to survive and feel okay and eventually be independent while trying to do what I can not to upset my ma. I've made mistakes but I don't feel I deserve what ma says and does and screams and cusses about at times.
She says she wants a clean home and a happy family and deserves a better daughter. Dad defends me a lot but also defends her a lot for fear of divorce.
She expects me to be able to handle things the same way she does. As well as everyone else around her.
She almost always apologizes once her rage episode is over.
I could go on and on about this stuff but that's the gist I think.
Advice?
Mom likes a clean house and likes controlled situations. When I say clean, I mean showy. We live in 2 story house with an unfinished basement. Chandeliers are all over the house. Greek looking structures. Very white and gold. I feel like she imagines stains in the rugs sometimes. If something isn't absolutely perfect, it must be cleaned and it's obviously my fault or dad's fault. She gets angry so easily sometimes. When she's not in rage mode she wants to be close to me and it's almost like she's a different person. So during these times it's tough not to be close to her. Especially since she expects it.
I barely got my degree in biology recently. Graduated in August. I moved home. It's created a lot of tension. I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. It's gotten better since I've been home bc I'm not living alone. I went into outpatient in October. That helped. I've been on so many different meds in the past 5 years.
I have difficulty believing in my ability to succeed in school ever since my sophomore year in college when the anxiety really started to get bad bc of abusive romantic relationships and just a general weird change in my brain it seemed.
Ever since I was a kid (8 years and up) mom has fed into my head that I'm lazy. I got amazing grades until sophomore year in college when I kind of just mentally collapsed. After that I've never been the same. Now that I'm home, she consistently makes me feel like I'm some lazy freeloader. Even though I work a part time job sometimes with full time hours (since October immediately after outpatient) and have signed up for prerequisites for nursing school (I can't live on my own in this area with the 15 an hour I'd make from the more common graveyard shift temp biology jobs). I've stopped seeing friends as much in the area because mom gets mad when I'm doing something "unproductive". I'm scared that I won't be able to succeed in school. I think I can do better now that I'm feeling a bit better, but mom says that if I don't get A's I have to pay for those classes.
She complains about paying for my healthcare and lodging and food and phone. She tells me I waste her life. She can't go on vacation until I'm independent. So there's pressure for me to go back to school and do really well.
My folks make at least 200k a year.
She does things to single me out: like dad's allowed to eat in his room bc he earns it and I'm not allowed to bc I do nothing to deserve it.
Dad and I both think she needs help. I still need help and see doctors regularly. Can't talk to her about this stuff bc it just feeds the fire. I love her a lot for who she is outside these periods of time when she's like this.
And to be fair, I have done some things that may warrant an angry response.
I've made a lot of mistakes in college especially. I made relationships a higher priority than school. After outpatient it finally clicked that I don't have to be in a relationship. I did try moving to Indiana right out of college bc of a significant other. In part also bc I didn't want to move back home. I ended up adopting a cat and brought him home.
The cat has been great therapy and I use my job to pay for his food and everything. Mom sometimes really likes the cat. Other times she gets angry that he's here. And I understand that.
To me, I'm just trying to survive and feel okay and eventually be independent while trying to do what I can not to upset my ma. I've made mistakes but I don't feel I deserve what ma says and does and screams and cusses about at times.
She says she wants a clean home and a happy family and deserves a better daughter. Dad defends me a lot but also defends her a lot for fear of divorce.
She expects me to be able to handle things the same way she does. As well as everyone else around her.
She almost always apologizes once her rage episode is over.
I could go on and on about this stuff but that's the gist I think.
Advice?
I haven't found all that much.