I’m scared of my husband going back to work on Monday

[marialavender]

We just had our first (and only) 7 weeks ago. I can’t imagine doing this while already having a child. I am firmly one and done.

I am miserable. I feel like I’m not doing any of this right, and I’m terrified of my husband going back to work- I can hardly function with both of us taking shifts with her. I feel like I am awful at being a mother.

As far as sleeping, she only sleeps in her bassinet for up to 1 1/2-2 hours at a time. I might get her to sleep a little longer in her Dock-A-Tot or laying on me, but I have to be awake to supervise her for that obviously. And when I do lay her down, she makes noises and fusses, and like I said she won’t stay down for long. And people say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but I’m a light sleeper so every noise makes me jolt back up. I also have anxiety, and I find it hard to try and fall asleep; I am stressed that she will wake up any second, which prevents me from drifting off. So far I’ve only slept when it’s my husband’a shift to watch her, and tomorrow is the last day for that.

When she is awake, 90% of the time she is crying. I have low milk production, so she is fed mostly formula. I am about to stop breastfeeding completely, it stresses me out because as soon as she latches she starts to freak out. She will stay latched for like one minute tops, and then she starts flailing her arms and screaming, and I can’t get her latched again. And then when I get her to eat a bottle, she never takes more than 3 ounces. I can hardly get her to finish that without crying.

I am a quiet person, so I hardly ever talk to her. I try to read her stories and talk more, but I swear it makes her cry more. And I try to shake a rattle or play with her, but that just makes her cry too.

The only thing I’m good at is changing diapers.

I honestly hate this whole experience. I dread waking up. I completely regret getting pregnant. I feel like everything I do is wrong. And I am so scared of my husband going back to work I’m crying right now. I don’t know how I will sleep.

I don’t know why I wrote this. I just feel lost.

 

[sofiahh]

@marialavender You’re in the thick of it. You may have moments where you’re questioning your decision and that may make you feel guilty and cause a cycle of despair. You may think there is something wrong with your baby or something wrong with you. You may think this is a sign your child will be a “difficult” child or that you’re not sure you can do this parenting thing.

2.5 years ago I had all of these thoughts (I also came to find out that so, so many women do, though few discuss them). My little guy was a very intense infant. He never seemed to settle. I couldn’t put him down and the evenings during witching hour (hours, such a horrible misnomer!) brought me to tears. We wore noise canceling headphones and passed him back and forth to one another like an awful game of hot potato. My partner and I would hold one another and sob after our son went to bed some nights. I googled a million sites trying to understand my life, my baby, and why I was failing at motherhood.

But I wasn’t. And you’re not either.

Babies are hard, well many of them anyway. But that doesn’t get a lot of playtime in the baby shower stories or the “can I feel your belly?!” conversations. So the realization can be isolating.

Let me repeat again, you’re not alone. In fact, you’re doing great. You are doing your best to get to know your child’s needs and to meet those needs. You’re dedicated. You’re loving. Even when your baby can’t reciprocate that love very much right now. There will be a day she runs toward you with arms open and yells “mama” with total joy some day. And it feels like a million miles away, but time is a fast car.

Your daughter will be ok. So will you. Some days will be better than others. But progress will come. She will laugh at you. She’ll repeat something you say in a sing-song voice to make you laugh too. And these days you’re in will be a memory. One you won’t forget, but it will fade.

And I will let you in on a secret. My very fussy baby boy prepared me for motherhood in fire. Now I’m slick as ice when he has a toddler meltdown. They are NOTHING compared to his hours long scream fests. Sometimes I have to stifle a chuckle when he throws a little fit. I’m like “dude, you got nothing I ain’t seen before x1million).” You are going to be a tough, slick as ice mama too. And some other moms you know will be jealous of it.

And my son has transformed from that angry, volatile potato into a sweet, funny, and considerate little toddler. He kisses my ouchies and he loves to run around pretending he’s a car. Big hugs. You got this.

 

[marialavender]

@sofiahh Thank you so much. I will be sure to come back to your comment when I’m having tough times. I am so much looking forward to happier days.

 

[michael0830]

@marialavender Just wait until you hear your baby say you're the best mom in the world. The first time you hear him/her laugh. When they learn something new. When they say they miss you. When they need you when they're sad. It truly does get better.

 

[marialavender]

@michael0830 She is learning to smile now, and when either my husband or I wake up and say hello to her she smiles. It’s so cute, and it makes me happy for that moment. I can’t wait for her other milestones.

 

[stanlyjohn]

@marialavender Don't be afraid to talk to a professional either. The hormon crashes are hard, ppd is very real and the lack of sleep makes everything ten times worse.

I got ppd and ppa myself and I remember wanting to run away at times. And blaming my husband for convincing me to have a child. That was my decision too but I had periods where I secretly and quietly blamed him for everything.

Mood stabilisers and therapy helped a lot. And being honest about the issues we where having while talking to the pediatric nurses when we had checkups for our son.

The pediatric nurses helped a lot with resources and tools to manage that first year. We where absolutely honest about our feelings and what issues we where having and in return they gave us an enormous amount of help.
Later I thanked them for everything they had done for us and got told in return that it was easy to help us since we where just honest with them and WANTED the help. They didn't have to try and convince us about anything, we just gladly accepted and gave their advice a try. Not all of them worked, but most of them did. Make it easy for them to help you. There's no pride in managing everything on your own. The pediatric professionals can be your village if you have no one else.

I feel for you. Our son is three now and he still have phases where I wonder why on earth I agreed to this, but mostly he's absolutely golden and says Thank you mom! I love you! with a glint in his eye and a massive smile. Makes every grey hair worth it.

 

[marialavender]

@stanlyjohn Thank you for your advice! I think I will enjoy the toddler years, just being able to communicate easier with her will be amazing.

 

[mm17]

@sofiahh

that angry, volatile potato

Guess what stage my son was at when I chose my Reddit username

 

[edtkw]

@sofiahh Oh god the hot potato! That’s what we called it too, he would just fuss and fuss for hours while we traded off and prayed for him to finally go to sleep…

And the toddler thing is so true too. My local bump group friends are freaking out about tantrums and separation anxiety but everything is so easy now for me in comparison! It’s like a horrible life hack lol.

 

[iwonder777]

@edtkw 110% on the toddlers

With my PPD, people telling me "you think newborns are hard? Just wait until you have a toddler!" nearly sent me suicidal (I was going "if it gets worse than this, I might as well check out now") Yeah, there are rough days with my almost 3-year-old as well, but I would take having a toddler for the rest of my life over a newborn any day of the week. Things are so much better than infancy.

 

[aydria]

@iwonder777 Having a toddler is leaps and bounds easier than having a newborn. The sleep deprivation alone in those first 3 months almost killed me before PPA/PPOCD came into play

 

[mm17]

@iwonder777 Oh yes when a friend said to me 'it doesn't get easier, it's just a different kind of hard' I felt absolute despair - I was barely coping and they were saying it would never get easier!? Thankfully that was 100% NOT true - it absolutely got easier! 2, 3, and 4 - just keeps getting better. I am NOT a baby person - and that's fine!

 

[djkword]

@iwonder777 Same!! I was so worried about the toddler years.. but my kid is cool as hell and I genuinely love hanging with him and exploring our world. He’s the best. I couldn’t say the same when he was an infant.

 

[kenprays]

@sofiahh As fellow mom to nightmarishly fussy newborn, I appreciate this perspective lol.

 

[bwtbrandon]

@sofiahh Yes! I started out with a screaming collicky poor sleeper and it just got easier after that. People would always say just wait, it will get harder, and it seriously never did.

 

[djkword]

@sofiahh I could have written your response and OPs post. So many of us are in the exact same boat with the exact same feelings… not that it makes it any easier in the moment. But you’re not alone and you’re not doing anything wrong for feeling like this.

OP, I’m sure everyone and their mama wants to throw advice at you. I’ll give you a brief synopsis of what changed my world and made those first months bearable. If you read it and it sounds like a possible solution for how you’re feeling I’m happy to elaborate.

Firstly, you’ve probably got PPA. My doctor diagnosed me when I told her I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking the baby would wake any moment and then I’d feel even more tired if I had just fallen asleep. I also learned really early (6-7 weeks) I can’t sleep in the same room as my kid. Every grunt and sigh would have my heart pumping and I’d be fully awake. Babies are loud ass sleepers… it just wasn’t working. For the first 6 months my husband slept with the baby in our room, and I slept in the guest room with a sound machine. At 6 months we moved him to his crib and we kept the monitor near my husbands head so I wouldn’t hear every grunt or roll over. That alone was a huge help.

Also, I’d feed baby at 9pm and then head straight to bed. Then my husband would do the midnight feeding and then go to bed. Then I was up for the 3am feeding… meaning I got 6 solid hours each night. With my PPA once I was awake, I was up for the day, so I’d lay with baby on my chest and watch movies until his 6am feed. Taking shifts where we both got solid blocks of sleep was key to not wanting to kill each other and actually enjoying baby. I would normally get a cat nap in during the day as well. But like you, it was near impossible to sleep when baby slept.

Secondly, I quit breastfeeding (or trying to) at 8 weeks. My milk never really came in. I was buying donor milk and then eventually supplementing with formula. I endured countless lactation appointments for weighted feeds where some woman tried to help as my baby was losing it because I just didn’t have enough milk. I tried allll the things (including prescription drugs) for milk production. It just wasn’t happening. The triple feeding also made it impossible to sleep and I started getting anxiety when it was feeding time… feeling like I didn’t even want to be near him because it was all negative feelings of failure. Finally my friend gave me permission to quit (I have no idea why that was the thing that made it click for me) and I instantly felt a bond with the baby. Like night and day. Keep trying if that’s your goal, but also give yourself permission to quit if it’s doing more harm than good.

Lastly, I learned about wake windows and eat, play, sleep to get baby full feeds and on the right sleep schedule. At 7 weeks your baby should be awake for 45-60 mins max, and most of that should be eating and a diaper change, then a snuggle and back to sleep). If your baby is chronically tired it makes it harder for them to sleep and they’ll be generally unhappy. I read the book Babywise to figure out age appropriate wake windows and feeding schedules. It was like the key to unlocking how to care for my baby in a way that made sense to me. I also downloaded the Huckleberry app (best thing ever) and it sends you notifications when it’s time for baby to go to sleep. Tracking his feeds and sleep gave my anxious brain the control it needed to feel good about the whole thing and that I was doing it “right.”

If you baby is fed, clean, and loved… you’re doing great. There are so many methods for feeding and sleep, find what works for you guys and run with it. It DOES get easier. I promise. Mine started sleeping through the night at 16 weeks (god bless Babywise) and has only woken once during the night since then (he’s 2.5) and it was because he had a 104 fever. Sleeping through the night and nap consolidation are game changers.

 

[sharpya88]

@djkword Just have to add that the wake windows and things like this are so key. I couldn’t sleep when my baby slept either during the day, it was so awful. You are going to have a toddler you adore someday. But the days you are dealing with are the hardest. Some of the worst days of my life, truly. But you will come out the other side!

But again, the wake windows and stuff are so, so key to survival. Also if you have anxiety, I recommend the Nanit baby monitor that allows you to monitor their breathing. That might help you rest easier. I wish I had had it as a newborn mom but I got it when mine started rolling and it was a game changer for my nighttime sleep anxiety.

 

[djkword]

@sharpya88 Oh yes! I think they changed owlet monitors, but that was a game changer for me too. Being able to open the app and see his heart rate soothed my PPA.

 

[incantation]

@sofiahh Wow this reply is incredible. I’m lost for words, really. You put it so perfectly, I wish I had someone like you say this to me when I was in the thick of it. Thank you, from one mother of a volatile potato to another.

 

[sofiahh]

@incantation Thank you! I needed someone to say this to me too. I had such bad PPA/PPD and (I think) PTSD from the screaming. So now when I see posts like this on Reddit or baby forums, I make a point to be the response I needed. Hah trying to send some good back in the universe I guess.